On Toxic positivity

 ''Toxic positivity'' is what my son answered when I asked him

to help me come up with a new topic to write about.

So, why not? 

Toxic positivity is a term coined by Theo Tucker.

As far as I can ascertain, Toxic positivity is overrating a happy, 

optimistic state of mind to the extent that authentic emotional

experiences are pushed aside, denied, invalidated or just

plain ignored.

''-I don't allow any negative feelings or thoughts to enter my

being'', I was once told by someone.(I forget who...)

-How do you do that exactly? was my kneejerk retort.

-I just block it all out by using one of my mantra's.

-Like what kind of mantra?

-Like, nothing can dim the light that shines from within.

-So, what if for example you were told that you only had three months

left to live....what would you do then?

-First, I wouldn't just accept the diagnoses, second, I know

that with a positive mindset I would overcome it, third, I

would only engage myself with positive people and

positive activities.

I have to admit that at first what my friend said sounded

pretty good but the more I thought about it, the more

precarious it seemed.

I mean, I love cheese, but I am pretty sure that even something

as innocuous as cheese can become an obsession, eventually

if overindulged even dangerous and potentially quite lethal.

The human experience; are not the mistakes, the trip-ups, the

bad times, the sorrows, the troubles, the losses, etc. etc.

just as much a part of the tapestry we call ''life'' as our

''positive'' experiences?

Is it even possible to truly experience joy without knowing

sorrow, certainty without knowing uncertainty, success without

knowing failure(oopsies), security without knowing insecurity,

love without having experienced being loved, and on it goes.

Is not one of the most mystifying and gloriously wonderful

aspects of human beings that in spite of all our

flaws we still manage at times to achieve incredible,

breathtaking, feats of compassion?

(As well as cruelty but lets focus on the positive :)

Unexpected things happens to all of us.

Things we have no control over.

Such as what other people do or say, such as a multitude

of different kinds of illnesses, such as accidents, etc. etc.

We may have control over how we deal with unexpected things,

 but we can not stop them from happening.

We can have a positive attitude to how we will deal

with difficult situations but a positive attitude can not

prevent them from taking place.

Hiding or denying what we are feeling often leads to

stress and anxiety which in turn takes a toll on our

emotional and physical well-being.

Brushing off uncomfortable emotions with one-liners

such as: ''just get on with it, it could be worse, or it is

what it is'' may feel like some kind of bravery,

but usually, it does little for helping us deal with

difficult thoughts and emotions.

Positivity can become toxic when ''negative'' emotions are 

viewed as inherently (permanent) ''bad'' and authentic

emotions are pushed aside.

(Perhaps one can say that toxic positivity is basically an

avoidance strategy used to push away and invalidate

''internal'' discomfort.)

I have always wondered who gets to decide which feelings

are deemed bad(negative) and which are good(positive...

I mean, does not that depend on what we do in response to

 our feelings?

(Feelings usually classified as negative are for example:

sadness, anger, loneliness, jealousy, etc.)

Some research shows that an overly rosy(positive) outlook can

foster complacency and a lack of compassion.

Other research suggest that allowing ourselves to experience

''negative'' emotions can help us to experience a sense of

meaning, personal growth and an enriched sense of ''self''.

Negative feelings, when accepted and understood can in my

view be understood as guides trying to draw our attention

to something we need to deal with.

Why am I angry, why am I sad, why am I jealous, why am

I frustrated etc. etc.

By asking ourselves why we are feeling the way we are,

we may be able to dissolve or at least understand those emotions 

rather than suppressing them.

Because what most research seem to agree on is that 

suppressing negative emotions and thoughts does not work in the

long run, they will surface in some form and at some

point or another.

A slow burning anger can not be suffocated with a 

blanket of positive affirmations, a raging anxiety can not

be calmed with a ''just fill your mind with positive thoughts'',

a searing sense of panic will not be mollified by ''don't be

so negative, just look at the bright side.''

What may help in my view and experience, is to ask

oneself: why am I feeling this way and what can I do right now

that may help in a life-affirming way?

Try to resist the temptation of tossing a bunch of positivity

platitudes on your very real feelings.

Although, having said that, I have to say that

I have found that when I feel very anxious

and worried, saying out loud to myself CALM, CALM,

CALM seems to help.

Like with most things, even really good things,

too much of a good thing can become a bad thing.

''Toxic positivity takes positive thinking to an overgeneralized

extreme. This attitude does not just stress the importance of

optimism, it minimizes and denies any trace of human

emotions that aren't strictly happy or positive.''

(verywellmind)

about the image: acrylic on canvas 

''Life is like a painting'', there's some light, there's some dark,

and then there's all that stuff in between.