How trustworthy are you?

 (Just in case you're wondering, the above image is depicting a hand grenade.)

Trust.

Such a small word that encompasses so much.

It colours most of our relationships with our

families, friends, medical practitioners, government officials,

etc. etc. etc.

Trust, although outside of anything to do with any kind

of religion, is in my view still based on faith(belief).

A belief that the people(or government) we trust in will behave in

 certain ways.

Trust however when it boils down to it, rather than being

something solid or certain, I contend is a mere abstract mental attitude.

We trust the postman to deliver our mail, we trust the bank

to look after our money, we trust our doctor to find remedies

and treatments for our illnesses, we trust other drivers to

stop at the red lights, we trust others to adhere to common

courtesies, we trust store clerks not to steal our card details,

etc. etc.

Why? 

Apparently, it's in our ''DNA'' to trust, we are social beings

and already from the get go we begin to socially interact

with others. Our tendency to trust, makes sense from an 

evolutionary perspective, so says some research.

Some even suggest that we trust routinely, reflexively,

and occasionally ''mindlessly''. We especially trust people who

''looks'' a bit like us, or seem to belong to our ''social group''.

Often however, we don't ask ourselves why we trust someone

and mistrust someone else. If someone would ask us: ''why do you

trust ''A'' and not ''B'' when they have the same credentials?'',

sometimes our answer may simply be: ''I don't know really, it's just

a gut feeling.''

Basic trustworthiness in people and institutions around us

as far as I can ascertain, is accumulated through our own 

experiences thereof.

Unfortunately, trust or mistrust, both experiences tend to stick.

Once we have decided on whether a person or ''institution''

(the police, healthcare, employment networks, councils, etc.)

is trustworthy or not, we often don't question our outlook.

Why is a collective trust important in a society?

''Trust is the foundation upon which the legitimacy of

public institutions is built and is crucial in maintaining

social cohesion.''

Why is individual trust important?

Belonging and Love, are some of mankind's most

profound needs, according to Maslow's

Hierarchy (theory) of needs.

Both, require trust as a foundation.

Trust perhaps can be likened to a flexible "glue'' 

that holds things together.

But unlike most glue, ''it can't be bought in a Supermarket''.

Trust, in my view, is not static, it is flexible.

It also is ''organic'', as in: it needs nurturing and TLC.

In my experience, these are some suggestions of

what I believe inspires trust:

Being true to one's word and following through with

actions that solidifies those words.

Respect.

Patience.

Keeping an open mind.

Willingness to listen.

Being supportive.

Transparency.

Never disclosing words spoken in confidence.

These days with Social media, the Dark Net, etc. etc. and the

possibility for anyone to post anything at any time

it can be hard to know who to trust.

Which is reflected in surveys done on peoples trust in

Governments doing their best for their citizens.

According to Edelman's Trust Barometer, it's at an all time low.

Public and Private institutions are run by human beings.

Regardless of position held within those institutions,

it is still a human being with all his/her flaws and biases

who makes the decisions.

We may have little power to influence the level of trustworthiness

in the people who makes decisions ''on our behalf'',

but we do have the power to decide our own

trustworthiness.

''Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be

trusted in important affairs.'' (Albert Einstein)

''Your character holds the key to your trustworthiness.''

(Jeffrey Gitomer)

about the image: ink and water colour on paper edited in Photoshop

Echoes from the dark

The Dark.

What is it? For some of us it may be a ''headspace'', or

perhaps a mindset, or perhaps a memory. Regardless of

how we view the dark, most of us probably prefer not to go there.

The dark is often associated with something uncomfortable, scary, sad, 

gloomy and perhaps even at times tinted with a sense of malevolence

and impending doom.

Some say that we fear the dark because the dark can conceal all manner

of scary stuff. Potential predators and or dangerous and deadly creatures

(including humans) for instance, who are able to hide under the cover of darkness.

In other words, in the dark, our visual sense disappears and we become unable to

detect who or what may be hiding in there.

Sitting in a beanbag on the floor one night watching an intense and very

scary thriller on the TV, I suddenly felt a shiver go through my body.

Except for the light from the TV-screen, the rest of the living room

was in total darkness. Suddenly I sensed a presence.

I quickly stood up and turned on the houselights. As I flicked the

switch I found myself eye to eye with the biggest huntsman spider

I have ever seen in my life. Right there, next to the light switch he was,

the size of a big man's hand. We both decided to run for it.

Eventually I caught the spider, and yes, I killed it.

Although Huntsman spiders are not classified as deadly, 

their fangs still pack a serious punch and can land you in hospital.

''Dark'' memories or experiences on the other hand, are in my

view a lot trickier to outrun, or ''kill''.

Eventually most memories fade somewhat, but often, it seems

to me, the really good ones and the really bad ones can

be very persistent in their staying power.

According to some recent research published in JNeurosci:

''it takes more mental effort to discard information from the

brain than to keeping it. Moderately reactivating the experience

of an unwanted memory may be required to forget it.''

        When we experience something difficult, something traumatic,

             many of us probably want to ''shove it where the sun don't shine''

         but if JNeurosci's research is right, then throwing some gentle

                            light on it: as in talking to someone about it, (the experiences/memories)

is probably more helpful.

    One night, after having found my son comatose in a pool

             of vomit and urine on my living room sofa, I tried to push the

         image of the event into the deepest recesses of my mind. 

        It didn't work. 

  Every time I would go to bed, echoes of that dark event

                  would haunt me. I decided to seek help. This proved to be very helpful

         because there would be many, many, more dark events for me to deal

       with. But, with the help of a very wise psychologist, I have been able

         to process and find an approach that now helps me to confront ''the dark''.

          According to some research I read some time ago, it was 

        suggested that every time we recall a memory, we change that 

memory a little bit depending on who we are talking to. 

(They call this audience-tuning.)

  In my view, much like an echo, it changes with time and distance.

Daniela Schiller, of Mount Sinai School of Medicine,

     suggests that memory is not like a ''file'' in our brain, but

more like a story that is edited every time we tell it.

                   (Each edited version however, feels like the ''real'' story.)

      Have you ever left something dark colored out in the

       sun for a long time? It fades most of the time doesn't it.

               Light is powerful, even the gentle light from a lit matchstick

         is more powerful than the dark. 

The Dark only remains the Dark when we hide it from the light. 

   If you find that every now and then echoes from the Dark rise up

 instead of trying to silence it, perhaps it may prove helpful

to  listen to it.

       ''Don't fight darkness - bring the light and darkness will disappear.''

       (Maharishi Mahesh Yogi)

        about the image: acrylic on large canvas, some editing in Photoshop

 ps: sorry about the spacing.....not my doing

If you want to be close to someone, remember to pull back your spikes......

 Although there may not be a lot us humans have in common

with hedgehogs, we do have one major thing in common: spikes(quills)

that we use to protect ourselves with when we feel threatened,

scared or insecure.

Unfortunately, our ''spikes'' are usually not as visible as those of a

hedgehog.

Take words for instance, words in my view can be as sharp and as lethal

 as a surgeon's knife.

With a mere tone of voice, a certain inflection, benign words

can become ''weaponized''.

Sometimes this may perhaps happen unintentionally, other times perhaps 

 it's more of a ''knee-jerk'' response to a perceived threat, slight, or

put-down. Regardless, the result often ends up the same: we hurt each other.

As a kid, I was mercilessly bullied for years. Mostly the bullies

used words, but every now and then they would forgo language

and just use their fists. Already a shy and introverted kid,

I adopted the ''hedgehog defense''. (Roll up in a ball and

protect the soft parts and eventually they will get bored and walk away.)

Why didn't I fight back? you may ask. Believe me, I have asked

myself that question many times and it wasn't until years later that

I found a probable answer.

I just didn't want to hurt anyone. 

Hurting someone else just because they had hurt me just didn't

seem a good enough reason for me to be hurtful back.

Knowing how painful words could be, why would I want to

inflict that kind of pain on someone else?

Retaliation, an eye for an eye, just makes us all blind.

 Eventually, we would all end up just stumbling about

and what would be the point of that?

So I've made a decision to never use my brain to come up with

things to say or do for the sole purpose of hurting someone.

(Although there has been many times when I have been tempted

to ignore that decision, so far  ....... I have not.)

Hurt people, hurt people.

(The thing with putting one's ''spikes on'' is that

although the spikes may protect us, they also prevent

us from being able to get close to others.)

As far as I can ascertain, many of us find it far easier 

to get angry (or irritated) with someone than to tell that someone that

he or she hurt us. To shrug our shoulders and say ''Nothing!''

if asked ''Are you okay?''. To fake a smile and say ''No, I'm right,

I don't need any help'' when asked if we need a hand.

To respond with a sarcastic rather than truthful response when

asked ''Is something wrong? or ''Would you like to talk about it?''

Have you ever been told: ''Oh, don't be so sensitive, can't you 

take a joke?!!''  or ''You're way too emotional!''

I have, many times. I view it as a form of gaslighting. A shifty way of putting

someone down under the guise of being something else.

My answer to:  ''Oh, don't be so sensitive, can't you take a joke?!!'' 

and ''You're way too emotional!'' is:

 ''Okay, well, why don't you just tell me the right amount of sensitivity/

(emotion) I am supposed to feel then?''

I once challenged a friend who had a habit of being sarcastic

to go a week without being sarcastic anyone.

''What do you mean, it's just a bit of fun,'' he said.

''Do the people you are sarcastic to usually view it as funny? I asked.

''Well, that's not my problem,'' he answered.

He turned down my challenge.

In my view, sarcasm and gaslighting is a form of passive-aggressive behaviour.

Rather than being witty or funny, it's usually hurtful.

There may be times when we feel it necessary to bristle our spikes.(Quills)

Times when we feel threatened, scared and the need to protect ourselves.

But once the threat is gone, we do need to remember to pull them back in

 again and not leave them ''bristled'' permanently.

about the image: ink and candle wax on paper.