While fossicking in a second hand book shop I picked
up a book titled ''Choice Theory'' by William Glasser.
It looked interesting to me and as the cost of the book was a
mere $2, I added it to the collection of books I was going
to buy.
Had it not been for a particularly stubborn and painful headache,
I think I could have easily spent another hour in that book shop.
Instead, I paid for my books and went in search of a strong cup
of coffee.
(Coffee, I have discovered, can often help alleviate my headaches.)
Lucky for me, next to the book shop I found a small Italian restaurant
who served Espresso's. I quickly ordered a double Espresso and sat
down at a small table.
While I was waiting for my coffee I started to read the cover of
''Choice Theory''.
Choice Theory, a New Psychology of Personal Freedom.
Sounded good to me. I have always been intrigued by how
we make choices. (Ask a three year old if he/she likes red or yellow
best and he/she will quickly give you an answer, but how does the
three year old make that choice?)
Is there something more to making a choice other than ''because
I like it better?''
According to Choice Theory, ''we choose everything we do,
including the misery (or joy) we feel. Other people can neither make us
miserable nor make us happy. All we can get from them is information,
and by itself, information cannot make us feel anything.''
Really? Can that be true? Others can't make us angry, irritated,
belittled, sad, frustrated, etc. etc.?
According to Choice Theory there are three ''common sense'' beliefs
that are the foundation of why we may feel that others make us
feel this, that, or the other.
First belief: I do countless things because I am responding to a
simple external signal.
Second belief: I can control what I want others to do, and others
can control how I think, act, and feel.
Third belief: If others don't do what I want them to do, it is right,
perhaps even my moral obligation, to punish or reward them
in order to get them to do what I want.
''These three common sense beliefs are the foundation of the
external control psychology that essentially rules the world'',
writes William Glasser.
Basically, to sum up, William Glasser suggests that all
choices are based around five basic needs: survival, love and
belonging, power, freedom and fun.
Others suggest that our choices may be based on what maximizes
our interests and benefits.
However, what seems to be a common denominator when it
comes to choice making, is personal preference.
And personal preference, as far as I can ascertain, is often founded on
conscious and subconscious bias.
Bias; basically a disproportionate weight in favour or against something,
someone, an idea, a behaviour, action, etc. etc.
Some biases may be innate, some learned.
''Why do you dislike the Smith's so much?
''Because the Connor's have always disliked the Smith's.
''Yeah, okay, but why?''
''I dunno, that's just the way it's always been.''
''Between stimulus and a response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.''
(Victor Frankl)
Or put another way: Between an event and how we will
respond to that event, there is a space.
In that space we have the opportunity to decide how
we will respond to that event. As in;
Before we respond we have the opportunity to consider
the potential outcome(s) of our response.
We choose our response, just like others choose how
they will respond to our response.
I read somewhere that we make thousands of choices every day,
although many of them we don't make consciously.
We call them habits, routines and or behaviour patterns.
The more choices - simple or complex- we face
the more decisions we have to make and that takes mental
and physical energy.
So... we may choose to not ''sweat the small stuff'' and instead reserve our energy
for the ''big stuff''. (Whatever that may be for each of us.)
But, perhaps William Glasser has a point:
''We choose everything we do, including the misery (or joy) we feel.
Other people can neither make us miserable nor make us happy.
All we can get from them is information,
and by itself information cannot make us feel anything.''
Those words may seem counterintuitive, but I have found
a sense of freedom in entertaining the idea that I can choose
how I will respond to all the things that happens to me.
Perhaps you may too....?
about the image: All the images on the candle is made by me.
Some are ink, some acrylic. Add a little fancy editing and
this was the result.
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