''You can't outsource your pain.''

 -''Yes, he said and then continued ''but you can't outsource your pain''.

Wow, I thought, that's a cracker of statement.

(Outsourcing, as in passing on one's task to someone else.)

Ever since my son made that statement a week ago I have been 

 wrestling with that thought. What else can't we outsource?

Memories? How we feel about and view ourselves? 

How we feel about and view others?

Hmmm, can our own emotional well-being be ''outsourced'' to others?

Well, how about blame?

Not exactly outsourcing, but.... by blaming someone else

for an outcome we may not be happy with, we ''remove'' the

responsibility and accountability from belonging with us.

''What do you mean??? My fault??You started it!!!''

''I only posted that because someone told me that you

had posted lies about me on your site yesterday.''

Etc. etc.

As I view it however, blaming someone else or others for

how we feel we basically resign ourselves to not being in

charge of our own emotional wellbeing. It may perhaps be easier

to assign blame rather than to examine our own behaviours,

but it can also keep us stuck in a mindset that prevents us

from finding new and more helpful ways of dealing

with difficult situations and emotions.

As much as we may want to ''outsource'' suffering and

pain, heartache and disappointment, what if hidden

within such experiences there are also invaluable ''treasures''?

According to some recent research, psychologists have

become aware of a phenomenon called ''post-traumatic growth''.

Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun discovered through

doing a large number of interviews with people who had suffered

serious traumatic life-events, that for many of them

their experiences became a powerful spur for personal development.

According to Tedeschi and Calhoun, their (the people interviewed)

suffering lead them to a ''deeper level of awareness''.

Pain comes in many different varieties; acute, chronic, physical,

emotional, psychosomatic, etc. etc.

None of us like it, 

 most of us probably try to escape it,

numb it, make it go away, so if I was to suggest that pain

has the potential to be a really good ''teacher'',

you may possibly think me nuts.

Some years ago I came up with this:

 ''Joy is a friend, but pain is a teacher''.

I think that perhaps it popped in to my head because

pain has helped me to gain a deeper understanding of

compassion, patience, long-suffering and the value of

mindfulness.

Loading my car one day with all my music equipment,

I managed to tear all the ligaments and muscles in my lower

back. The sound of the tearing was awful and as I collapsed

on the floor in agony, I knew that I had done some serious damage.

(The pain was actually so severe it temporarily blinded me.)

Long story short; After months of pain relief injections and

staying in bed, physio and a bunch of other treatments, I started

to swim laps in my local pool. In the beginning the pain was

so bad that each stroke made me nauseous, but I persevered

because after finishing my laps, I discovered that I felt a bit better.

Back pain, migraine, head-ache, stomach ache, heart-ache,

mental anguish, etc. etc. is often not ''visible'' to others. 

If there is no plaster cast, bandage, or stitches, how bad

can the pain really be? At least there should be some

blood somewhere, shouldn't there???

(This kind of thinking in my experience, can at times unfortunately make

 it difficult for some of us to be compassionate.)

From the first scrubbed knee to the first broken heart,

the pain that goes along with those experiences

offers us an opportunity to understand and to sympathize

with others when they go through such events.

Ours is not the task of passing judgement or moralizing

whether the sufferer is worthy of our compassion or not,

our task is merely to offer our support and understanding.

Sometimes pain can teach us things we didn't

think we needed to learn.

Sometimes suffering can soften a heart we didn't

notice had grown hard.

Sometimes it may seem easier to blame others

 for our shame,

offer wild aspersions, set wagging tongues aflame.

But,

somethings in life, most precious and rare,

can only be experienced with a heart that cares.

''We create our own unhappiness. The purpose of suffering

is to help us understand we are the ones who cause it.''

(Willie Nelson)

about the image: War, .... is it not outsourcing of the worst kind?

Those who decide whether to go to war or not rarely do the

fighting, instead... they ''outsource'' the fighting to others.

Acrylic on large canvas.

Shopping for thrills............

 The Dark Net.

A place (virtual) where it is possible to buy absolutely anything.

''Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?

The Shadow knows.'' (Walter B. Gibson)

(The Shadow was a crime fighting fictional character (superhero)

popular during the 1940-50's created by Walter B. Gibson.)

However one may define ''evil'', I am pretty sure it can be bought

on the Dark Net.

Some time ago I watched a doco series on The dark Net and it

sent shivers down my spine. If Walter B. Gibson was alive today

he would need no imagination to find material for his books.

All he would have to do would be to peruse the Dark Net.

What is it with humans that as soon as we invent something

with great potential for ''good'' we immediately find ways

of using it for something ''bad''?

Take dynamite for instance. Invented by Alfred Nobel, a

life-long pacifist, to assist in making tunnels and clearing the way 

for the railway.

When he discovered that it was also associated with mayhem and atrocities,

he was absolutely horrified.

How about nuclear fission, thalidomide, morphine, gunpowder,

refined sugar, alcohol, etc. etc.

And, oh yeah, .... the Internet.

How about technology as a whole?

''Technology is a tool, in itself it is neither good nor bad,

it is moral-less. As in, it depends on what the user of it

is using it for.''

So some say.

What technology makes possible and what humans actually

do with it are two different things.

I pull out my card to pay for my groceries.

It's declined. What? I know I have enough money to

pay for my stuff. I've been hacked!! All the money is

gone and I am devastated, but who is responsible?

Am I responsible for trusting the bank?

Is the bank responsible for not keeping my money safe?

Or is it the person who used technology to steal my money?

The capacity for anonymity (for those of us not tech savvy) 

that the Internet offers seems to me to be both a ''good'' and a ''bad'' thing.

It can protect both innocuous and offensive behaviours.

In itself anonymity as far as I can ascertain, is neither good nor bad,

it is what we use it for and what the end results of it is

that deem it one or the other.

If we use anonymity to slander someone, make illegal threats,

distribute misinformation, distribute harmful viruses, distribute

illegal publications in either text and or image form, etc. etc. then I

would deem that as using anonymity in a ''bad'' way.

Using anonymity in order to be nasty, sneaky, or plain mean, is

in my view behaving cowardly.

So, what is the Dark Web/Dark Net?

''It is a hidden collective of internet sites accessible only by a

specialized web browser.''

Some use it to evade government censorship, some to

conduct illegal practices/business, some to get (or share) information

not available (possible) on the ''visible'' internet.

But, according to the documentary I watched, it is a ''place/space''

where a lot of illegal transactions take place.

I try my hardest to believe that deep down inside most of us

is the desire to be ''good'', to to be kind, to be honest, to be

life-affirming, to be supportive and understanding, but after

having watched the documentary.....it seems that in some

of us.......''evil'' lurks.

''I know I shouldn't smoke, but .........''

''I really dislike sites like these, but.....''

''I know I shouldn't make mean comments, but....''

''I shouldn't drink cos it makes me mean, but......''

When someone who views him/herself as ''good''

does something ''bad'', cognitive dissonance urges him/her to

ignore that behaviour because he/she can't deal with

the inconsistency between his/her behaviour and beliefs.

(Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort we feel when

we hold two contradictory opinions and

or when our behaviour is inconsistent with our beliefs.

Aka: An angel and a devil on each shoulder both telling us what

to do.)

These days we can behave badly behind the veil of

anonymity; we can browse sites that we don't

want anyone else to know that we visit, we can 

have relationships with a bunch of different people

without them knowing anything about each other,

we can be voyeurs', we can be critics, we can

be judge, jury and executioners, we can be assassins,

we can be superstars, but here's the thing,

 just because we can, that doesn't necessarily mean we should.

''In each of us, two natures are at war - the good and the bad.

All of our lives the fight goes on between them, and one

of them must conquer. But in our own hands lies the

power to choose - what we want most to be, we are.''

(Robert Louis Stevenson)

about the image: small shopping bags glued on a canvas with

sketched outlines of a bigger shopping bag. 

Added; some editing in Photoshop +

made-up sites

Before you make a choice, ponder the outcomes of those choices......

While fossicking in a second hand book shop I picked

up a book titled ''Choice Theory'' by William Glasser.

It looked interesting to me and as the cost of the book was a 

mere $2, I added it to the collection of books I was going

to buy.

Had it not been for a particularly stubborn and painful headache,

I think I could have easily spent another hour in that book shop.

Instead, I paid for my books and went in search of a strong cup

of coffee.

(Coffee, I have discovered, can often help alleviate my headaches.)

Lucky for me, next to the book shop I found a small Italian restaurant

who served Espresso's. I quickly ordered a double Espresso and sat

down at a small table.

While I was waiting for my coffee I started to read the cover of

''Choice Theory''.

Choice Theory, a New Psychology of Personal Freedom.

Sounded good to me. I have always been intrigued by how

we make choices. (Ask a three year old if he/she likes red or yellow

best and he/she will quickly give you an answer, but how does the

three year old make that choice?) 

Is there something more to making a choice other than ''because

I like it better?''

According to Choice Theory, ''we choose everything we do, 

including the misery (or joy) we feel. Other people can neither make us

 miserable nor make us happy. All we can get from them is information, 

and by itself, information cannot make us feel anything.''

Really? Can that be true? Others can't make us angry, irritated,

belittled, sad, frustrated, etc. etc.?

According to Choice Theory there are three ''common sense'' beliefs

that are the foundation of why we may feel that others make us

feel this, that, or the other.

First belief: I do countless things because I am responding to a 

simple external signal.

Second belief: I can control what I want others to do, and others

can control how I think, act, and feel.

Third belief: If others don't do what I want them to do, it is right,

perhaps even my moral obligation, to punish or reward them

in order to get them to do what I want.

''These three common sense beliefs are the foundation of the

external control psychology that essentially rules the world'',

writes William Glasser.

Basically, to sum up, William Glasser suggests that all

choices are based around five basic needs: survival, love and

belonging, power, freedom and fun.

Others suggest that our choices may be based on what maximizes

our interests and benefits.

However, what seems to be a common denominator when it

comes to choice making, is personal preference.

And personal preference, as far as I can ascertain, is often founded on

 conscious and subconscious bias.

Bias; basically a disproportionate weight in favour or against something,

 someone, an idea, a behaviour, action, etc. etc. 

Some biases may be innate, some learned.

 ''Why do you dislike the Smith's so much?

''Because the Connor's have always disliked the Smith's.

''Yeah, okay, but why?''

''I dunno, that's just the way it's always been.''

''Between stimulus and a response there is a space.

In that space is our power to choose our response.

In our response lies our growth and our freedom.''

(Victor Frankl)

Or put another way: Between an event and how we will

respond to that event, there is a space.

In that space we have the opportunity to decide how

we will respond to that event. As in;

Before we respond we have the opportunity to consider 

 the potential outcome(s) of our response.  

We choose our response, just like others choose how

they will respond to our response.

I read somewhere that we make thousands of choices every day,

although many of them we don't make consciously.

We call them habits, routines and or behaviour patterns.

The more choices - simple or complex- we face

the more decisions we have to make and that takes mental

and physical energy. 

So... we may choose to not ''sweat the small stuff'' and instead reserve our energy

 for the ''big stuff''. (Whatever that may be for each of us.)

But, perhaps William Glasser has a point: 

''We choose everything we do, including the misery (or joy) we feel.

 Other people can neither make us miserable nor make us happy.

 All we can get from them is information,

and by itself information cannot make us feel anything.''

Those words may seem counterintuitive, but I have found

a sense of freedom in entertaining the idea that I can choose

how I will respond to all the things that happens to me.

Perhaps you may too....?

about the image: All the images on the candle is made by me.

Some are ink, some acrylic. Add a little fancy editing and

this was the result.