Forgiveness....feels better than resentment

-Grand-father?

-Yes?

-Can I ask you a question?

-Of course you can, son.

-What does forgiveness mean?

-That's a very grown-up question, Jimmy.

Where did you hear that word?

-At school today. Jeremy was mean to Abby, he

pushed her so hard that she fell and hurt herself.

Miss Mitchell got angry with Jeremy and told

him that he had to apologize to Abby for having

been so mean to to her. But Jeremy didn't want to

do that, he said that Abby had pushed him yesterday

and that if he had to apologize then Abby should have to do 

so too. 

-What do you think Jimmy, should they both apologize to each other?

-I don't know, because Jeremy said that Abby pushed him first so she

should apologize to him first. He said that if she hadn't pushed him he 

wouldn't have pushed her.

Forgiveness.

Such a tricky thing to get one's head around sometimes.

If one says: ''I forgive you'' is that

the same as saying ''what happened is okay''?

Those in the know suggest that forgiveness is a

conscious and deliberate choice we make regardless

of whether in our view we consider him/her/them to deserve it.

(Lily Tomlin: ''Forgiveness is giving up the hope of a better

past.'')

Forgiveness, so some say, is not about letting him/her/them

get away with treating us unfairly, rather, it is about

us letting go of stultifying emotions and thoughts that prevent us

from freeing ourselves from pain and suffering experienced

in the past.

Though it may perhaps seem a long shot, I believe that

often we feel hurt when our expectation of what we consider

to be a fair and civil behaviour is not met. 

We expect people, even people we don't know, to adhere to certain

behaviour patterns... i.e. ''expectation bias''.

''Expectation bias occurs when an individual's expectations

about an outcome influence perceptions of one's own

or other's behaviour.''

When, or if, people or governmental institutions fail to live up

to our expectations, we may experience that as a form of

betrayal. And betrayal can hurt a lot because it may feel as

if our trust has been violated, we have not been valued, and

actions have been taken against us. Some ex:

''How am I supposed to ever trust you again when you shamed me

in front of everyone?''

''How am I supposed to trust you after you lied to me?''

''How am I supposed to trust the police after they beat my

friend half to death?''

Forgiveness does not come easy when we feel we have

been betrayed, belittled, shamed, lied to, etc. etc.

Often, in my view, to do so (forgive) would feel as if we were to condone

 something that we probably deem as an un-acceptable behaviour.

However, those in the know say that if we want to get

on with our lives, we need to let go of past transgressions.

Those inflicted on us or those we may have inflicted on others.

Forgiveness is a conscious decision we may need to make

since most of us at some time or another most probably

will fail to live up to someone else's expectations of us.

Or to paraphrase the Dalai Lama: 

''Forgive, it will make you feel better.''

''When you hold resentment toward another, you are

bound to that person or condition by an emotional

link that is stronger than steel.

Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that

link and be free.''

(Catherine Ponder)

about the image: graphite on paper