So, what seems to be the problem Mr. Jones? asks
the doctor.
Everything and everywhere seems to hurt, answers
Mr. Jones.
Can you please be a bit more specific Mr. Jones?
For me to be able to diagnose what the cause of
your pain is, I will need you to be a bit more precise.
Unspecified, anything can be anything.
A cough can be pneumonia, a stomach ache can be
colon cancer, a headache can be a tumor, a temporary
memory lapse the beginning of dementia, fatigue and
listlessness the signs of depression etc. etc.
A careless remark can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect,
silence can be interpreted as a sign of passive aggressive behaviour,
tears can be interpreted as a sign of emotional blackmail,
and the list goes on.
I may be wrong, but I have a feeling that many of us have
probably sought out Dr. Google in search for answers to
what does it mean when... or what are the symptom's for...?
Searching for possible answers that may explain what
may be wrong with or troubles us, often one discovers that
there are numerous possibilities.
And until we begin to cull some of the possibilities,
all possibilities are viable.
If asked: what's wrong? it may be easier to just say
everything!, but if we want to try to solve, or fix, or
overcome, or deal with something, it is
often far more useful and helpful to be specific.
If we can identify specifically what is troubling us, the chance of us
being able to deal/sort/fix/accept the problem greatly
improves. Trying to fix everything is a tall order, trying
to fix one of the ''things'' one at the time, far easier in my view.
Feelings can often be complex and it can be quite tricky to
be able to identify what is what and what the origin of those
feelings are.
It may seem simplistic, but I often find it helpful to ask
myself why am I feeling this way? and what was I thinking
before I started to feel this way?
In my experience, thoughts often precede feelings, as
in: our feelings are a response to our thoughts rather than the
other way around. (Except for feelings as a result of a physical event)
In my previous post I mention expectation bias. (Basically it
means when our expectations about an outcome influence our
perceptions of our own and others' behaviour.)
Pondering the complexity of emotions and trying to
answer ''why am I feeling this way'', it occurred to me
how much met and unmet expectations have to do with
how I respond emotionally to a number of different
situations/events.
Someone jumps the line annoyed anger sadness don't care
Someone cuts you off in traffic
Someone is rude to you
Someone makes fun of you
Someone bumps in to you
Someone stands you up
etc. etc. etc.
After two hours of waiting had passed, I decided to leave.
I felt rejected, sad and quite upset. Couldn't she at least have
called me to tell me she wasn't coming? I thought she was a friend and friends
don't just not show up without an explanation. (Expectation bias)
Two weeks later my friend called me. She said nothing about
not showing up. Still upset, I decided to ask her why she didn't show.
''Oh, that, yes, well, I lost track of the time,'' she answered.
That was it? Yes. I was stumped. I concluded that we
obviously viewed our friendship differently.
Unspecified, anything can be anything.
My friend could have been in an accident, she could have had
car trouble, one of her kids could have taken sick, etc. etc.
or maybe she just didn't care.
When we experience something upsetting, I believe it is important
to use precise language when we define for ourselves what it was
about what happened that we found upsetting.
''It was the way he/she said it, it was the words he/she used,
it was the tone of voice, the body language, the place, the time, etc. etc.''
What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Jones? asks the doctor.
It's my husband doctor, he keeps telling me that he is hurting
everywhere and all the time and that nobody seems
to be able to help him.
I see, says the doctor, has he mentioned any particular area that
hurts more than any another?
That's the thing, doctor, that drives me crazy. He is allergic to the
body-lotion that he uses everyday! I keep telling him
to stop using it, but he refuses to do so because he
paid a lot of money for it.
What am I to do doctor, when he doesn't listen to me??!!
Hmmm, if you emptied the expensive lotion and
replaced it with another lotion your husband is not
allergic to, do you think he would notice, Mrs. Jones?
It's definitely worth a try, doctor, Mrs. Jones answers
with a smile.
''Aiming at everything there's a great possibility that you'll hit nothing.''
(Citizen Z)
about the image: acrylic on canvas
