The Broken Doll Syndrome......

Last week somebody used a term that I had never come across before: ''The Broken Doll Syndrome''.

I decided to Google it, but it proved rather elusive. Trying a number of different word combinations, I eventually found the term ''White Knight Syndrome''. But, and I have a but, my life experiences have shown me that though the term is gender specific, the ''syndrome'' is not, so I will stick with the term ''broken doll syndrome'' for the purpose of this blog as that term applies to both women and men in my view.

''The Broken Doll Syndrome'' as I see it, is a term for a conscious or subconscious (or both) predilection towards seeking relationships with partners we feel we need to rescue, fix, or help become ''better'' people.

A Broken Doll, is often a person who has a history of physical or psychological abuse, trauma, addiction, turbulent and volatile relationships, and or deep-seated emotional issues.

The tortured and or misunderstood artist, the prostitute, the brilliant but shy genius, the ''hard-done-by'' man/woman, the ''diamond in the rough'' person, often attract the attention of someone who ''suffer'' with The Broken Doll Syndrome. Whether consciously or subconsciously, such a person often feels that they can help mend the broken doll, ''save'' him/her and make him/her whole.

The ultimate fantasy being that the broken doll will change and become the person that the person with The Broken Doll Syndrome envisages him/her to become once he/she is broken no more.

However, helping someone with a history of serious emotional or physical abuse, addiction and or trauma issues, is never easy and never a quick-fix. Broken Dolls can often be master manipulators, skillful deceptors, wizards at hiding their true feelings, thoughts, and intentions.

They will often use subtle methods of emotional blackmail to get what they want and need, but if subtlety does not work, they will often resort to ''full court press'', as in crying, yelling, threatening to xyz, invade every space with their presence (non-stop calling on the phone, showing up at the door, showing up at work, post stuff on the net), until finally, if they still don't get what they want, ...threatening to kill themselves.

Some years ago, I had a friend go through this and he nearly had a nervous breakdown in the process.

His broken doll used all the above methods (and then some).  My friend was torn between devastating guilt, a sense of utter failure, and self-deprecation. In the end, he decided to cut off all contact (including going places where she might show up) and no matter how guilty he felt, he would resist any notions of ''staying friends''. 

So, how does one know if one is a person with The Broken Doll Syndrome?

Some say that the The Broken Doll Syndrome is not really about the doll, rather it is about the emotional pay-off that comes with being the ''good guy/woman''.

''He/she is a hero putting up with him/her and all his/her issues. No matter what he/she does, he/she still keeps forgiving him/her.''

When I asked my friend why he had stayed with his ''doll'' for so long when she so often had hurt and upset him, he answered: ''Because I loved her''.

(How we define love, in my view has a lot to do with what kind of relationships we enter into.)

''How, or, in what way did you love her?'' I asked.

''What do you mean?'' he answered.

''I mean, what about her did you love that had nothing to do with you?''

He looked at me quizzically then answered: ''I loved how she made me feel wanted, how she made me feel as if I was a good protector and provider, and how she made me feel needed.''

''I see, but that doesn't really answer my question. What I am asking, is what about her you loved regardless of whether you were in a relationship with her or not.''

My friend remained quiet for a long time before he responded.

''To be honest, thinking back on it, I think I was so caught up in my own feelings that rather than dealing with the reality of how dysfunctional our relationship was, I made up excuses for why she treated me the way she did. She would do some crazy hurtful thing, but then she would tell me how much she needed me and didn't want me to leave her, which I guess I would chose to believe, ...because I wanted to.

I would catch her lying to me, press her on it, only for her to turn everything around and accuse me of not trusting her. If I asked her if she had paid the bills, she would accuse me of being a penny-pincher and that I was a lousy provider. Huh. Maybe I didn't love her? Maybe I was in-love with who I wanted her to be, not who she really was.....''

Sorry to repeat myself here, but for expediency's sake: ''The Broken Doll Syndrome'' as I see it, is a term for a conscious or subconscious (or both) predilection towards seeking relationships with partners we feel we need to rescue, fix, or help become ''better'' people.

Commonly relationships founded on one of us wanting to ''fix/rescue/save'' or change the other end up in a mess, ....often a very painful mess. So, I offer here my own definition of love in the hope that it may be useful:

''It seems to me that we love someone when we care more about the other as he or she is, rather than who we think they should become; when we reveal ourselves honestly and vulnerably, just as we offer the same for the other. We love someone when we act with patience, resilience, compassion, forgiveness, attention and a wholehearted commitment to their well-being.'' (Citizen Z)

Perhaps we may fall in love, but we choose to stay with love.

ps: If you find yourself choosing partners that tend to be Broken Dolls, perhaps asking yourself why you do so may be helpful.