How can I know if what I believe is really what I believe?

How do we come to believe what we believe?

Life experiences? Cultural history? Family history?

How much of what we believe is generated from within ourselves, from having asked ourselves the question: "Why do I believe this to be the truth of how things are?

Is it possible to be "bias" free? A definition of bias: "Bias is an inclination of temperaments or outlook to present or hold a partial perspective at the expense of (possibly equally valid) alternatives in reference to objects, people, or groups." (Wikipedia)

Bias is a pesky critter that somehow manages to convince us that we are without bias, rather; we are just seeing things the way they really are.

Many of us form parts of our personal identities according to our biases, perhaps we may even feel that they make us who we are. Often we tend to trust people with the same biases as ourselves in preference to those with conflicting ones. "Nah, I don't trust liberals, they are too liberal." "I don't trust religious people, they are too religious." "I don't trust losers, they are such losers."

Hanging on to a long-time held bias may feel comfortable and letting go of it may be experienced as stepping over to "the dark side".

Although we may like to believe that all our behaviour is rooted in conscious intent, can we actually show evidence for such being the case since much of human behaviour is governed by mental processes that exist outside of conscious awareness and control? (Fears of a number of varieties)

How much does the fear of disapproval by others affect our views/beliefs?

Whether it be explicit or assumed, rational or irrational, the fear of disapproval may direct our behaviour and belief system more than our consciousness allows us to admit.

If there is a disconnect between what we really believe and what we say we believe, what we really think and what we say we think, perhaps we are hanging on to biases we no longer hold in order to not be disapproved of? Letting go of well used, familiar biases can be experienced by some of us as a form of "betrayal", a break with our cultural identity; going over to "the dark side" so to speak.

"My family has always voted AAA, if I vote for BBB my family will disapprove."

"I have always said that all zzz people are lazy, if I now say that I don't view it that way anymore, my friends will disapprove and since I don't want to lose my friends, I don't say anything."

We may have selected our friends, partners, because of shared biases (views/opinions); any change may jeopardise our continued relationship. If we question our biases; "why do I hold this opinion/view?", perhaps we may also need to ask: "is it working for me, or is it causing me harm?"

Is there cognitive dissonance? ( The state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, esp. as relating to behavioural decisions and attitude change.)

If there is cognitive dissonance, it can be helpful to do a little cognitive (conscious intellectual activity) reframing: Do I have facts/evidence to support that my beliefs/views are correct? Are there other ways of looking at this? Are there pay-offs or costs involved in holding this view?

Some smart person wrote: "Any belief system (a mental system consisting of interrelated items of assumptions, beliefs, ideas, and knowledge that an individual holds about something concrete or abstract) that can't be updated, is inherently biased."

Do you feel there is a "right" way to chop an onion, do the dishes, stack a dishwasher, hang the washing, change a tyre, park a car, answer the phone, cut a pizza, make coffee, discipline a child, treat a teenager, approach a stranger, propose marriage, cut a roast, plan a budget, et cetera?

My question is this: How did you come to the conclusion as to what the "right" way is?

Often we can hold beliefs about what the right way is without even knowing why we believe so.

My son, who has always found his own "right" way of looking at things, has helped me tremendously to identify many of my biases. (Although often with much resistance from me.)

Having our belief system challenged can be of great assistance in helping us understand why we hold the views we do, and if the why is no longer applicable then we have the chance to "update" our belief system.

Every new day gifted to us offer us an opportunity to change and whether we curse or welcome its arrival is ultimately up to us. If our belief system/views/opinions/biases makes us miserable, why not challenge them by asking: "Is there another way to look at this?"

Many of us probably consider ourselves able to construct our belief systems with a mind free of bias and prejudice, question is; is that really possible for a being who's existence and survival depends on getting along with others, on forming lasting cohesive, magnanimous bonds?

Or are we all to some degree or another fettered behind subconscious configurations of biases, prejudices, and opinions?

If so, perhaps we can adopt the wisdom of five year olds and never stop asking "why?".

 

 “None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free.”  

(Goethe)

 “When we blindly adopt a religion, a political system, a literary dogma, we become automatons.”

(Anais Nin)

 "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds."

(Bob Marley)

 

Put down that i-Thingy and experience RL.....(real life)

 

One of my most memorable moments as a musician is a performance I did with a singer in a seedy, beer smelling, badly decorated, badly lit club, at the end of a week long tour. I can't remember the name of the town or the venue, but I vividly remember our rendition of the song "Georgia". The night before this performance, I had been struck down with a mysterious bug and was feeling like death warmed up.
As I climbed the stairs to the stage for a last minute rehearsal, sweat poured and my legs could barely hold me.
In the corner of my eye I saw the shape of a grand piano covered with a black blanket. There is a strange atmosphere in a venue such as this when it is totally void of people, and the silent, blanket covered grand piano, hidden in the recesses of the stage, seemed to amplify the strangeness.
A few slivers of light managed their way through the dirty, impossibly placed windows in the ceiling, creating a silvery path to the grand piano. Still shivering with fever I walked up to the piano. The grand piano seemed like a majestic, dignified, blanket covered thoroughbred stallion, deserving of respect, and humility. Gently I removed the blanket, folded it and put it to the side. With much care I opened the lid. The strings glistened as if made of gold and the lingering resonance from earlier performances dispersed into the air, tiny invisible droplets, of music.
I pulled out the piano stool, sat down, and just placed my hands on the keys without making a sound and then waited.
Until I knew, what I was supposed to play.
Three hours later, still feverish and shivering, we were coming to the end of our performance. The band had been somewhat lackluster, and although Leon, the singer, had tried his best, we were just too tired.
That's when I knew what to do. I told Leon to stall for time, tell a story, anything....while I walked away from my electric keyboard to the grand piano. It was on wheels so it was easy to move it to the front of the stage.
When in place, I sat down and began to play an introduction to "Georgia on my mind", but not like we had rehearsed it, but as the grand piano, the "stallion", had instructed me. Mellow, gentle, slow, every note carefully chosen....respectfully.
Suddenly all sounds except for those of the piano, vanished. People stopped speaking, the waiters stopped, the other band members quietly withdrew from their instruments and walked to the side of the stage. Leon removed the microphone from its stand and came and sat down on the corner of the piano stool and then sang Georgia as he had never done before. When we finished the song there was an unearthly silence......for a split second... that is.......then the audience stood up and every inch of that seedy, beer smelling club was filled with cheering, applause, and expressions of delight.
For a few moments, all of us; the performers, the audience, the waiting staff, had become one living, breathing, experiencing, entity.
Why have I told you this story?
Because I believe we all need to connect.
This may seem a strange thing to say since technology has made it possible for most of us to stay "connected"  24/7. Question is; are we connected or just superficially so?
Perhaps our communication tools are more cosmetic than we would like to admit?
Why bother going to a live concert when we can watch it on you tube?
Why bother going to an exhibition, a movie, a ballet, a cabaret, et cetera when we can do so via the internet?
Instead of cooking a meal together, we can buy take-outs, instead of going to a game, we can watch it on pay-tv, instead of going for a run in the park, you can run on a treadmill while listening to your I-thingy, instead of speaking face to face, we can use acronyms on another I-thingy, instead of saying we are sorry while looking someone in the eye, we can send a "sad" emoticon.
Are we using technology or are we abusing it?
Have we managed to found ways to avoid having to face up to the pesky aspects of human contact that includes: confrontation, conflict, challenge, rejection, social awkwardness, shyness, and so on?
"Now, hang on just a minute!"
"Think of all the amazing positive aspects of this new technology,"...I hear some say.
I agree, there are many, many positive aspects, I mean I am using one of those aspects right now to connect with you, the reader, so let me put it another way.
Social interaction, being in the company of actual people in the actual world as opposed to the virtual world, is beneficial to most of us according to most statistics/research. (Hence an isolation cell is a punishment, not a reward.)
Although we are all individuals, we are also all part of mankind, humanity, and according to some studies the reason homo sapiens managed to succeed as a species, is that we learned how to cohabit, to pool our resources.
Have you ever experienced the surge of energy when attending a live concert with friends?
Have you ever experienced the camaraderie when supporting a sports team in a stadium, or when making a "stand" with others for a shared "cause", exchanging ideas over a hobby, or an interest?
"People need people", so the song goes.
Imagine winning the lottery and having no one to share the good news with...............
When we connect with others hands on, we have the chance to improve our communication skills, to become good listeners, to speak clearly and effectively, to understand communicative subtleties, and to minimize misunderstandings.
Although confrontation, rejection, shyness, and social awkwardness, are all tricky issues to deal with, they also present opportunities for us to discover new strengths in ourselves when we face them head on.
Every time we face up to that which scare us, we become a little better at dealing with it and we increase our sense of self-worth.

"Little by little, Internet and mobile technology seems to be subtly destroying the meaningfulness of interactions we have with others, disconnecting us from the world around us, and leading to an imminent sense of isolation in today’s society. Instead of spending time in person with friends, we just call, text or instant message them. It may seem simpler, but we ultimately end up seeing our friends face to face a lot less. Ten texts can’t even begin to equal an hour spent chatting with a friend over lunch. And a smiley-face emoticon is cute, but it could never replace the ear-splitting grin and smiling eyes of one of your best friends. Face time is important, people."  (Melissa Nilles)

"What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it."
 (Jiddu Krishnamurti)

What if.......I fail, things go wrong, I'll be rejected, I lose........?

 

 It's the 4th of July and the fireworks display is mesmerising. Jimmy forgets about the traffic and runs in to the street to get a better look. A policeman sees Jimmy and walks up to him. "Now Jimmy, what if a car comes along and doesn't see you here in the middle of the street and runs you over?" The policeman gently guides Jimmy back to the curb.

I have a friend who recently lost his beloved dog. The dog had been a good companion to my friend, loved and treated with much affection and when he passed my friend experienced a great sense of loss. I asked him if he would consider getting another dog. "No," he answered, "what if I get a new dog and he gets sick and dies too, I don't want to risk it."

That's the thing with living, it's risky.

Risky in the sense that we may get hurt.

But if we allow our fears of getting hurt prevent us from trying, then would any of us learn to walk, to ride bikes, to swim, to try anything that includes the possibility of being hurt?

Some say: "Nothing worthwhile was ever achieved without an element of risk."

"The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live." (Leo F. Buscaglia)

Perhaps a definition of risk: Risk is the potential of loss (an undesirable outcome, however not necessarily so) resulting from a given action, activity and/or inaction. (Wikipedia)

Every encounter with learning something new, can be viewed as including an element of risk since there is always a possibility we may fail at first, but as we learn, we get better at it, and the risk of failing diminishes.

When I was learning how to rollerblade there was a lot of falling, not being able to stop, going backwards, etc. but I persisted and eventually rollerblading became very enjoyable, and less risky. Had I given up the first time I fell I would have missed out on the hours and hours of joy, a sense of freedom, and the sheer fun I experienced when rollerblading.

"I have always wanted to play an instrument, but what if I'm no good at it?"

"I would love to surf, but what if haven't got the body type for it?"

"I would love to do another job, but what if I can't get another one?"

"I would love to have a partner, but what if I am not lovable enough"?

"What if I love someone and they don't love me back"?

"It seems to me that people have vast potentials. Most people can do extraordinary things if they have the confidence or take the risks. Yet most people don’t. They sit in front of the telly and treat life as if it goes on forever." (Philip Adams)

Henry David Thoreau puts it like this: “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”

As far as I can ascertain, there is no statute of limitations on dreaming, trying, learning, discovering, attempting, etc.

Billy Connolly says: "Don't die before you're dead". Every new day presents a new opportunity for discovering something new about you and the world you inhabit.  If we avoid trying for fear of failing, perhaps we would do well to redefine the term "failing". To "fail" is an act of doing, the fear of failing is not.  If we fail at something, it could just mean we just haven't had the outcome we desire yet, whereas if we do nothing because of the fear that we will fail, then we have not even tried. (Success is all the sweeter when we arrive at it (whatever it may be) after ignoring our fear of failure and doing it anyway.)

What if I fail? So what......try again using a different method.

What if he/she rejects me? So what......there are many others that will not.

What if it all goes wrong? So what.......figure out why it went wrong and what you can learn from it.

What if I am no good at it? So what.......do it again and again until you are.

What if......what if....what if.....

Let's turn it around and make it a positive; what if there is a better method, better technology, better process, procedure, language, communication, explanation, system, et cetera. Our human endeavour forges its way forward by pioneers asking "what if..." and then tossing the risks overboard.

"It’s not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It’s because we dare not venture that they are difficult."

(Seneca)