Loneliness is not the same as solitude.............

Sociability. What is it?

Some say: Agreeability.

Which means.....?

The ability to interact and get along with most people.

The ability to feel comfortable and confident 

when mixing with others. 

The ability to interact in a friendly and comfortable

manner with new people.

The ability to communicate well(effectively)

with others by using a conscious choice of

words, body-language and facial expressions.

Sociability, as far as I can ascertain, is a highly

valued skill/ability in most cultures/societies.

Why is it so?

Because our ability to interact with others, to organize, plan, 

imagine and visualize events and things collectively

plays an important part in the continued

progress of mankind.

Some suggest that sociability/agreeableness, is a

personality trait that is often displayed by extraverted 

people.

In other words, the ability to ''mix and mingle''

with others may often come easier for people born

with ''extraverted genes'' than for people

born with ''introverted genes''.

Having been told by a number of people that I am

an ''introvert'' have made me look up the word in many

dictionaries and more often than not, compared to

extroverts...... us introverts don't come out too ''good''.

(''Extroverts are good at sociability whereas introverts

are not. Extroverts are agreeable but introverts more

''loner'' types''.)

My own observation is that some people(extrovert) seem to

enjoy and get energized when around a bunch of people.

Some other people(introvert) seem to need to spend some time

alone after spending enjoyable time in large-ish groups.

According to some research done by those in the know,

most of us are ''ambiverts''.

(A bit of both extro and introvert)

That is, sometimes we get energized by socializing,

sometimes we get energized by ''lone'' time.

Some of us have times when we prefer some solitude

and reflection rather than socializing.

Some of us prefer to socialize and interact with others

and only ponder deeper thoughts if or when an unexpected

opportunity suddenly presents itself.

Socializing can mean many different things.

It can be done many different ways.

It can be done in person or through a screen.

Through the written word (texting) or spoken

word(sms-ing).

It can be done through an avatar or a ''catfish'', troll

or anonymous bully.

Many of us probably prefer to socialize some way or another

rather than spending time alone. Especially these days when

there is often an unspoken but known stigma and

prejudice attached to preferring one's own company

rather than ''hanging out'' with friends

or spending time on social media platforms etc. etc.

Solitude seem to often be understood as meaning loneliness

although solitude is a chosen state of mind whereas loneliness 

is often an unwelcome emotional state.

''Loneliness is the poverty of self;

solitude is the richness of self.''

(Mary Sarton)

If being on our own fills us with dread

and seeking comfort in all the wrong places,

maybe now is a good time to find a

quiet, solitaire place and listen to the voice 

of our inner selves.

''Solitude is not so much the absence of company

as it is an opportunity. 

A chance to discover

 the richness,

the joy,

the fullness of life abundantly.''

(Citizen Z)

*

The above image is a sketch I call ''the Tramp''.

Sometimes I just visualize people and faces

out of nowhere. 

Often with stories that accompany them.

I don't know where ''it'' comes from, it just

shows up and if I'm lucky I have pen and

paper handy.

This man, this Tramp, is neither lonely nor

anti-social. He's a man who knows who he is

and where he is going although he may

look a bit worse for wear.

Thought:

It can be easy to judge a book by its cover.

To forget that precious pearls lay beneath

a cover I bet none of us

 would call a beauty.

Good news! Memories are not fixed....they are malleable.

-What about space then? I've been fascinated by all things

space and the Universe as far back as I can 

remember, he said.

-Really? Hmm. I guess that time travel is something

that interests me but I'm afraid that I have never really 

spent any serious time investigating ''Space or Universe'', I

answered.

-Wow! Seriously? You're a person who is basically interested

in everything, but Space and Universe does not entice you

into further investigation? Richard asked and then began

a lecture on how exciting and amazing Astronomy is.

As he excitedly spoke of the ''never ending and

mysterious Universe'' he did make it sound interesting.

But, as exciting as he found ''the out there'' I find

the ''in here'', as in the goings on inside of a human

mind.

*

Let me explain what I mean with ''time travel'' for

the purpose of this post:

The kind of ''time travel'' that interests me is the

kind of time travel any healthy brain/mind can

and does engage in every single day from a

very young age.

With our minds/brains we can ''travel back in time''

with help of our memories, we can travel forward in time

with the help of imagination/visualization, or we can

experience living in the ''now'' by focusing all our

attention on each moment as it presents itself to us.

(In short, the ability we have to re-live past

experiences and pre-live potential future events/

experiences.)

Some even use the term ''mental time travel''

as us humans seem to be able to travel back

into the past whenever we want to.

Alas, memory is crucial for our development from

newborn beings to fully functioning adults.

There are several different types of memories

such as short term/long term, implicit/explicit,

etc. etc. to mention a few so for the purpose of

this post I am going to stick with what ''those in

the know'' now reckon: ''Every time we recall

a memory of an experience we have been through,

we alter it''.

*

''A memory is NOT a fixed ''recording'',

it is a dynamic reconstruction process.''

Every time we remember something

..........we change some aspects of it.

The forest that I experienced as huge and

full of magical critters as a child, 20 years

later proved to be a mere copse.

Movies that blew my mind as a teenager,

20 years later seem contrived and badly

made.

People that seemed amazing, brilliant and

super smart in my twenties, 20 years later

have lost their sparkle and become just as

frayed and disillusioned as myself.

 There are some experiences that I 

remember from ''back then'' that still makes

me anxious, doubt my confidence and feel as 

if I should have done so much better.

And then there are memories that needs

all my will power to keep them at bay, to stop 

them from growing and to stop me from

wanting to run away.

For years I have battled with PTSD and GAD

and it can be really scary.

Sometimes I would overcome those battles with distraction

as in for example: just doing something constructive

such as playing an instrument for hours, drawing something,

put headphones on and listen loud music, go for a walk,

go for a swim, etc.

Then one day a psychologist said this to me:

''Sometimes it can be easier to replace a bad memory

with a good one than trying to distract yourself.

A memory belongs to the past so if we replace the old

painful memory with a fresh new positive one, eventually

the old memory will fade.''

A memory is not set in cement.

It is malleable.

We can't change bad times and experiences

that we have been through but we can change how

we remember those times.

Actually, in truth, we always do.

''Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us.''

(Oscar Wilde)

''Nothing fixes a thing so intently in the memory

as the wish to forget it.''

(Michel de Montaigne)

about the image:  Martin Luther King Jr. remembers,

graphite on medium sized paper

''Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.''

While us adults keep saying and doing

crazier and crazier things,

children are there.

While we yell and shout our different

opinions at each other,

children are there.

While we fight, brawl and throw punches

at each other,

children are there.

While we lie, mislead and hide the truth

from each other,

children are there.

While we ignore, gaslight and disrespect

each other,

children are there.

While we belittle, denigrate and bully

each other,

children are there.

While we hide our pain, grief and sorrow

from each other,

children are there.

While we spend our time staring at a screen

and not speaking with each other,

children are there.

While we invest more and more of our trust

in creations made from algorithms and binary code,

children are there.

While we find more and more

ingenious ways of killing each other,

children are there.

While we keep doing this

will we keep doing so until one day

there will no longer be such a thing

as an ''innocent child''

anymore?

Will there be........

A day when a balloon ceases to be magical,

a day when a doll or a ball is exchanged 

for an AK-47.

A day when the brand is more important

than the damage ''the thing'' may cause,

Or,

A day when our children will find more

love, attention, comfort and joy

in the company of another primate

.............less human.

''Monkeys are superior to men(humans) in this:

When a monkey looks in to a mirror

he sees a monkey.''

(Malcolm de Chazal)

''Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.''

(Neil Postman)

about the images: top: Four different large paintings all

painted on canvas with acrylic and kohl pencils. 

''Collaged'' with Elements to become one image.

Father and son painting; acrylic on medium canvas

We are all born with hidden gifts.....the trick is to find it

''Eli discovers music hidden beneath the ivory keys''

Although perhaps we don't often ponder the many different ways

we use to communicate and interact with each other, .... as an artist,

I often find myself in awe of how innovative the human

species can be at finding ways to express itself.

For instance: using words > written/spoken/ or signed,

through touch, movement, images > moving or still,

sound > organized(music) and or un-organized,

visual > paintings, sculptures, installations, 

i-Thingy's > all things based on binary code, 

etc. etc. etc.

Words(written or spoken) are crucial when it comes to

 communication, but words, as definitive as they may seem,

 are more often than not mere approximations and highly

ambiguous in my view.

How so? you may ask.

Take the word ''red'' for instance: We may agree on

defining the word red as a word for a specific color

but how we interpret that ''red'' will vary from

person to person: crimson red, vermillion red,

cadmium red, post-office red, fire-engine red,

etc. etc..............

Having said all this, now let me ask you:

 How would you

 define/interpret the word ''special''?

Depending on circumstances, would you define

special as in: better than usual, extraordinary, top notch,

exceptional, etc. etc.?

Or: different from what's usual, a person with special needs,

or special as in difficult to be around because of a behaviour

pattern different from the norm, or ...... something else?

*

Perhaps ''special'' is a term used today mostly in a

 positive way(exceptional) but not so long ago,

being described by others as ''special'' as far as I

can remember, was not great.....

Today we have many more terms for people/kids

who used to be labeled ''special'':

Autism Spectrum disorder, anxiety disorder, conduct

disorder, ADHD, eating disorder, PTSD post-traumatic

stress disorder, and so on. But also: Special, as viewed

through a positive lens: Gifted, different, creative.

*

When I was a teenager I had a summer job teaching

music to ''special'' people in an institution that

housed hundreds of special people.

''Special'' then meant ''hard to understand, hard to handle,

hard to communicate with and hard to be with''.

But among my special students, there were also three

pupils (people) that I would

classify as very gifted although...... their language and

communication skills could do with a bit of an upgrade.

Though I was scared every day I went to work and

absolutely shattered every evening when I came home,

I did learn many invaluable and crucial life lessons

about the term ''special'' and how devastating the

 consequences of that term can be at times.

My time all through school was horrible.

I was labeled ''special''(peculiar) by my class mates

already in grade 1 and not until I started

gymnasium(secondary school) did the

term change meaning from different/peculiar into ''gifted,

different in a good way''.

Straight out of college I auditioned for a placement

at the Conservatorium of music. My audition went well

and I was accepted and as soon as I started my studies

I knew that I was finally among ''my peeps'',

that is, in the company of others also labeled ''special''.

*

''We define our worlds with the words we use''

someone once said.

Though I agree with those words, I would like to add some.

We also use art to express how we experience

the world we live in.

Art is not only stuff that we find in galleries, museums and

parks.

Art, in my view, is an outer expression of an inner

experience.

And whether we use words, music, marble, clay

or any other medium to express our inner experiences,

we are all special, top notch in our own particular way.

''I believe that every one of us are born with

at least one gift.

A gift that only bears fruit if constantly nourished 

and persistently cherished .''

(Citizen Z)

about the image: photo edited in Elements

title: ''Eli discovers music hidden beneath the ivory keys''

ps: about Eli's right hand finger....How on earth did he do that????

Hiding behind a shroud can be costly........

 ''We knit alone our life, before seeing by it our shroud.''

(Charles de Leusse)

According to those in the know, what we want and desire 

most of all in life is to be accepted and included

by others.

Others, as in friends, relatives, colleagues and people

we hold in high esteem.

In other words, we need to belong somewhere.

 Somewhere where we feel that we can

be ''ourselves'', somewhere where we feel connected 

and supported.

Somewhere where we can express our thoughts and

feelings freely without the fear of being rejected.

In short, a trusted relationship.

Relationships, in my view, are not static(stationary/unchangeable),

they are dynamic(flexible/changeable).

As they consist of human beings and human

beings are complex creatures who like a chameleon

shift and change depending on circumstance,

so do we.

Sometimes we might find ourselves at a crossroad

of having to choose whether to stay in a relationship

or not. Sometimes we may discover that we have 

changed and that who we now are no longer fit

in a relationship.

Sometimes we may feel that we need to hide certain

aspects of ourselves from others we have a relationship

with.

Sometimes we may feel that we may need to shroud

 our true nature in order to be accepted, loved and cared for

 by others important to us.

*

Quietly she opens the door.

Silence.

She removes her shoes gently 

and puts them on the floor.

A faint light from the kitchen

lights a path into the living room.

Carefully she takes a few steps

toward the light.

A sudden indistinct sound from

her daughters room makes her stop.

Clasping her handbag to her chest

she stands frozen in the middle of

the living room.

-I shouldn't have had that last drink,

she thinks to herself as she can feel 

herself swaying back and forth.

Assuring herself that nothing is

happening she tiptoes into the 

kitchen and puts her handbag on

the kitchen table.

Slowly she pulls out a chair and

sits down.

She opens her handbag and pulls

out her purse.

Empty.

Her heart skips a beat as she realizes

that she has lost all her money.

-Mummy?

Standing before her is her daughter

holding her teddy bear.

Quickly she pulls her ''the good

mummy shroud'' over her face

and pulls her daughter into her

arms.

-There, there Laura, lets get you

back in bed, she says hoping

that her daughter can't smell the

Casino, the booze and her

feelings of betrayal on her breath.

*

In our need for belonging, for acceptance and support it can

be tempting to resort to hide behind a ''shroud'' those aspects

 of ourselves we may view as un-desirable.

Maintaining a ''fake'' façade for a long time however

 can have serious consequences methinks.

For instance, at some point we may no longer be able 

to differentiate between our fake and authentic selves.

''There's no version of conformity that will

protect you from judgement---so you might

as well be judged for who you actually are.''

(Michell C. Clark)

about the image: acrylic on two large canvases

Title: ''Removing the shroud can make you feel naked''

Rather than gaslighting, honesty and kindness works better.............................

''Between stimulus and response there is a space.

In that space is our power to choose our response.

In our response lies our growth and our freedom.''

(Victor E. Frankl)

When I read those words for the first time I sensed

that within those words there existed an undeniably

profound ''truth'' and wisdom.

As in: Before we respond/react to something there is

a moment, a breathing space, that we can use to 

''press the pause button'' long enough so that we

may be able to contemplate not only how we will

respond but also the possible outcomes thereof. 

There are a number of hurdles however that must

be overcome in order for us to be able to recognize that

moment, that space, that allows us to choose how we 

will respond.

Some hurdles:

May I suggest that emotions, especially strong ones

such as fear, anger and frustration have a tendency to

make us blind and deaf to our inner voice of wisdom

telling us to think, before we act.

Kneejerk reactions (no thinking, just reacting), although they

at times may be very helpful, may at other times cause 

irrevocable damage.

Fatigue, pain, anxiety and stress, those in the know suggest

 often tend to greatly affect the way we respond

 to different stimuluses/situations.

And then there is gaslighting.

In conversation with a friend the other day I asked him

what ''gaslighting'' means because I have a sneaky

feeling that someone I have been considering a friend,

may be ''gaslighting'' me.

-Well, it's a kind of psychological manipulation

that someone does

that makes you feel as if you have done something

wrong, something that have hurt that person,

but instead of telling you what that is, he or she 

avoids you, in person and or on all i-thingy's, he answered.

As I pondered his words I realized that I have been

''gaslit'' many times.

My next thought was: why?

Why would someone choose to gaslight someone

instead of just telling the person they are

gaslighting how they feel?

According to those in the know, the most common

reasons are to avoid confrontation and accountability

for their own part in why a relationship they used to

view as amicable has ceased to be viewed that way.

Other reasons can be that the gaslighter has deep rooted 

insecurities, self-esteem and validation issues and uses

gaslighting as a coping mechanism.

Somehow, rather than communicating his or her concerns in person,

a gaslighter cuts all ties with the other which often leaves

 the other confused, voiceless and hurt.

Gaslighting in my view, is more hurtful and more

damaging than having a face to face confrontation

with someone, especially someone once viewed

as a friend.

It's one thing saying something hurtful in the heat 

of the moment, it's a very different thing to

vanquish and render obsolete another human

being once called friend.

However, 

''Between stimulus and response there is a space.

(no matter how long or short)

In that space is our power to choose our response.

(or un-choose and change)

In our response lies our growth and our freedom.''

Before you judge, press the pause button.

Before you act, press the pause button.

Before you react, press the pause button.

Before you pull away, press the pause button.

about the images: top: acrylic and pastel on canvas

bottom: graphite on paper

Beyond ''absolutes'' ........on embracing an open mindset

-What do you mean? Everybody knows what reality is, he said.

-Are you sure about that? Is it not perhaps possible that

how a person experiences reality varies from person to person?

I responded.

-Nah, it's either reality or it's not, he said and then logged out.

His answer prompted me to do some deep-thinking on the 

subject of ''absolutes''.

''Absolutes'' as in a kind of mental ''short-cut'', a belief

that how we view and think about things can be divided

into two categories.

For or against, good or bad, black or white, wrong

or right, true or false, real or fake, etc. etc. etc.

The more I looked into it, the more I realized just

how often I was using absolute terms such as: everyone,

every time, always, never, totally, all, etc. etc.

But why was I doing this?

More research was needed and this is what I have come

up with so far:

I think I was doing it(still do sometimes) in order to

 emphasize something, simplify something,

assume rather than research something, stick with the

short-cut mindset rather than putting in the effort

of challenging it.

Keeping an open mind though, I've found to

lead to inquiry and to challenge

 the basis, the foundation, on which I've based

my thoughts and views. (mindset)

Thinking in absolutes visa vie(compared to) having an open

mindset for some of us offers less ambiguity, complexity and

uncertainty. 

This for some of us may seem preferable, however

 research shows that it can also stymie progress, 

social interaction and limit a person's potential.

In the words of Donald Rumsfeld: 

''There are known knows.

 These are things we know that we know.

There are known unknowns. That is to say,

there are things that we know we don't know.

But there are also unknown unknowns.

These are things we don't know that we don't know."

A long time ago I was having a discussion

with my younger sister's boyfriend about music.

He contended that classical music had no feeling,

was boring and only old people was interested in it.

As I at that time was studying music at the University

in Stockholm and regularly went to the Concert Hall

and listened to Classical concerts, I strongly disagreed 

with him.

After much back and forth discussing I suggested that 

he'd come with me to a concert and judge for himself.

He surprisingly agreed.

As the conductor raised his baton and the symphony

orchestra began to play Mahler's third symphony,

I closed my eyes and allowed the music to envelope my being.

When I opened my eyes again I found my sister's boyfriend

 overcome with emotion as he told me:

''You're right, classical music is awesome.''

Later, on the train back home, he looked at

me and with a big smile on his face said:

"So, when's the next concert?''

*

From the moment we are born we

have to learn to face the unknown.

Because all that we now know was

once the unknown.

An ''absolutes'' mindset though it

may make us feel safer also prevents

us from discovering and experiencing

the wonderful, the beautiful, the joyful,

the exciting and the bewildering that

surrounds us when we keep

and open mind.

about the image: Ink and charcoal on paper

 title: Bi-polarity

Be passionate, it feels good..........

-So, is this the dream job then? I asked the x-ray machine

operator as he was on his way to get to the shielded booth. 

My words may have slowed down his walk a little

but he didn't answer.

-Stay absolutely still, he said and then shut the door to the

shielded booth.

A few minutes later he returned and told me to get up.

He didn't answer my question so I tried another one.

-What's your passion in life? I mean, what in life are you

passionate about?

-Passionate? I'm not sure that I'm particularly passionate

about anything really, he answered as he was making notes

on a piece of paper and motioning me to get dressed.

That was it. Next minute I was in my car on the way

home.

In my view passions 

 are something that evokes strong 

emotions in us often varying from happiness, joy, 

a sense of purpose and meaning as well as anger and frustration.

Some say that passions are important to us because

they help to motivate us into action, engagement and

the pursuit of desired goals.

But where do passions come from?

Pondering this, I started to wonder if perhaps day-

dreaming may have something to do with it.

Daydreaming as in ''staring out the window'',

not because of a curiosity to find out

what's going on outside, rather, in order to

 set the mind free to wander, explore, hypothesize

and let the imagination run wild in our minds.

For me, daydreaming often begins with a question:

But what if........?

What if it is possible to.....

What if I do it differently......?

What if I look at it differently....?

Recent research suggests that daydreaming can help

us problem solve, stimulate creativity as

well as set and achieve goals.

Important to remember though, is that time and

place matters.

Daydreaming is not recommended when doing

so affects or interferes with our overall

daily functioning.

How we express and experience passion 

(according to those in the know) often

depends on our personalities.

Personalities as in our character, temperament,

disposition, taste, inclinations, etc. etc.

i.e. our psychological profile.

I'm passionate about.......I'm enthusiastic about......

I like...................I enjoy................ I feel strongly about....

I'm quite interested in............and so on.

If you are wondering whether you may be ''passionate'' about

something or mere ''interested'' maybe this little

tip can be helpful:

If you find that you always put in more energy

into (doing) something than that which is required,

then that something may be something which you feel 

passionate about.

Personally, I find that although being passionate 

about stuff often involves allowing ourselves to experience

feelings on a deeper level,

it also brings with it a drive, a sense of purpose

and excitement.

''If you can't figure out your purpose, figure out your passion.

Passion will lead you right into your purpose.''

(T.D. Jakes)

''Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from

focusing on what excites you.''

(Oprah Winfrey)

about the image: acrylic on large canvas

title: American Geisha (we all can have dreams)

''I should.....I shouldn't....says who? Me, says the internal judge.''

Somewhere in our minds we have inner voices

that tells us what we should or shouldn't do, believe 

or not believe, trust or not trust, but according to

those in the know....if asked, most of us would

find it hard to specify where all those voices

come from.

According to Alain De Botton, a British philosopher,

those voices are an internalization of the voices of people

 who were once ''outside'' of us. 

Imperceptibly, unknowingly however,

we have somehow made them our own.

Some of those voices ''live'' in our conscious mind,

but many more live in our subconscious mind.

A bit like an iceberg: what we ''see''(conscious) is only

 a small portion of what is hidden beneath

 the water. (Subconscious)

Have you ever used the phrase: I shouldn't....xyz?

Or: ''They shouldn't ....xyz?

Or "You, I, they should.......xyz?

Have you ever asked yourself where the inner voice

 telling you what you ''shouldn't'' or ''should'' do

 comes from?

When my son suddenly transformed from a basket ball

and skater kid into a goth, there was no end to the

advice that I was given by people telling me that I ''should'' 

tell him to ''snap out of it'' or leave.

I was told that I shouldn't be so soft, I should show him who

 the boss was.

Agonizing over what to do, I decided to try understanding.

What did being a goth mean to my son, what did the

music he listened to give to him, and how did dressing in

all black and wearing black nail polish make him feel?

My solution was to

 push away all my own and others shoulds and shouldn'ts

and focus on just being there for my son.

In hindsight, I believe that that experience alerted me

to the many critical and judgmental voices that resided

and still reside, within me.

In conversation with a friend I suggested to him that

perhaps much of our shoulds and shouldn'ts are based

on mental shortcuts formed on opinions not based

on critical observation, self-reflection and analysis.

He disagreed and a long discussion on biases ensued.

Wanting to further my understanding of biases

I discovered that there is something called Cognitive

Biases* and that it is something that comes with

being a human being.

*Cognitive Bias is a systematic error in thinking

that affects how we process information, how we

perceive others and ourselves, and how we make decisions.

Bias: Basically, an understanding and observation of something

 impaired by inclinations toward a preferred outcome

and a disregard toward information that contradicts

 that preference.

''The eyes sees only what the mind

is prepared to comprehend.''

(Robertson Davis)

In conclusion:

I have found it helpful to ask myself

''says who?'' if I find myself making snap judgements

rather than considering a number of different

possibilities.

Especially if one of my inner critics keep telling me

what I should or shouldn't do that carries with it

negative consequences rather than positive ones.

(Negative as in pessimistic, positive as in

life-affirming)

''The vast majority of ideas we have

about ''should'' and ''shouldn't'' come from

other people.

We adopt them but they are not ''ours''.

We have not really questioned them

so as to come to our own truth about them.

We just swallow them regardless whether

they reflect our personal truth or not.''

(Teal Swan)

about the images: Iceberg, water colour on paper

Drag queen, acrylic on large canvas