Rather than gaslighting, honesty and kindness works better.............................

''Between stimulus and response there is a space.

In that space is our power to choose our response.

In our response lies our growth and our freedom.''

(Victor E. Frankl)

When I read those words for the first time I sensed

that within those words there existed an undeniably

profound ''truth'' and wisdom.

As in: Before we respond/react to something there is

a moment, a breathing space, that we can use to 

''press the pause button'' long enough so that we

may be able to contemplate not only how we will

respond but also the possible outcomes thereof. 

There are a number of hurdles however that must

be overcome in order for us to be able to recognize that

moment, that space, that allows us to choose how we 

will respond.

Some hurdles:

May I suggest that emotions, especially strong ones

such as fear, anger and frustration have a tendency to

make us blind and deaf to our inner voice of wisdom

telling us to think, before we act.

Kneejerk reactions (no thinking, just reacting), although they

at times may be very helpful, may at other times cause 

irrevocable damage.

Fatigue, pain, anxiety and stress, those in the know suggest

 often tend to greatly affect the way we respond

 to different stimuluses/situations.

And then there is gaslighting.

In conversation with a friend the other day I asked him

what ''gaslighting'' means because I have a sneaky

feeling that someone I have been considering a friend,

may be ''gaslighting'' me.

-Well, it's a kind of psychological manipulation

that someone does

that makes you feel as if you have done something

wrong, something that have hurt that person,

but instead of telling you what that is, he or she 

avoids you, in person and or on all i-thingy's, he answered.

As I pondered his words I realized that I have been

''gaslit'' many times.

My next thought was: why?

Why would someone choose to gaslight someone

instead of just telling the person they are

gaslighting how they feel?

According to those in the know, the most common

reasons are to avoid confrontation and accountability

for their own part in why a relationship they used to

view as amicable has ceased to be viewed that way.

Other reasons can be that the gaslighter has deep rooted 

insecurities, self-esteem and validation issues and uses

gaslighting as a coping mechanism.

Somehow, rather than communicating his or her concerns in person,

a gaslighter cuts all ties with the other which often leaves

 the other confused, voiceless and hurt.

Gaslighting in my view, is more hurtful and more

damaging than having a face to face confrontation

with someone, especially someone once viewed

as a friend.

It's one thing saying something hurtful in the heat 

of the moment, it's a very different thing to

vanquish and render obsolete another human

being once called friend.

However, 

''Between stimulus and response there is a space.

(no matter how long or short)

In that space is our power to choose our response.

(or un-choose and change)

In our response lies our growth and our freedom.''

Before you judge, press the pause button.

Before you act, press the pause button.

Before you react, press the pause button.

Before you pull away, press the pause button.

about the images: top: acrylic and pastel on canvas

bottom: graphite on paper

Beyond ''absolutes'' ........on embracing an open mindset

-What do you mean? Everybody knows what reality is, he said.

-Are you sure about that? Is it not perhaps possible that

how a person experiences reality varies from person to person?

I responded.

-Nah, it's either reality or it's not, he said and then logged out.

His answer prompted me to do some deep-thinking on the 

subject of ''absolutes''.

''Absolutes'' as in a kind of mental ''short-cut'', a belief

that how we view and think about things can be divided

into two categories.

For or against, good or bad, black or white, wrong

or right, true or false, real or fake, etc. etc. etc.

The more I looked into it, the more I realized just

how often I was using absolute terms such as: everyone,

every time, always, never, totally, all, etc. etc.

But why was I doing this?

More research was needed and this is what I have come

up with so far:

I think I was doing it(still do sometimes) in order to

 emphasize something, simplify something,

assume rather than research something, stick with the

short-cut mindset rather than putting in the effort

of challenging it.

Keeping an open mind though, I've found to

lead to inquiry and to challenge

 the basis, the foundation, on which I've based

my thoughts and views. (mindset)

Thinking in absolutes visa vie(compared to) having an open

mindset for some of us offers less ambiguity, complexity and

uncertainty. 

This for some of us may seem preferable, however

 research shows that it can also stymie progress, 

social interaction and limit a person's potential.

In the words of Donald Rumsfeld: 

''There are known knows.

 These are things we know that we know.

There are known unknowns. That is to say,

there are things that we know we don't know.

But there are also unknown unknowns.

These are things we don't know that we don't know."

A long time ago I was having a discussion

with my younger sister's boyfriend about music.

He contended that classical music had no feeling,

was boring and only old people was interested in it.

As I at that time was studying music at the University

in Stockholm and regularly went to the Concert Hall

and listened to Classical concerts, I strongly disagreed 

with him.

After much back and forth discussing I suggested that 

he'd come with me to a concert and judge for himself.

He surprisingly agreed.

As the conductor raised his baton and the symphony

orchestra began to play Mahler's third symphony,

I closed my eyes and allowed the music to envelope my being.

When I opened my eyes again I found my sister's boyfriend

 overcome with emotion as he told me:

''You're right, classical music is awesome.''

Later, on the train back home, he looked at

me and with a big smile on his face said:

"So, when's the next concert?''

*

From the moment we are born we

have to learn to face the unknown.

Because all that we now know was

once the unknown.

An ''absolutes'' mindset though it

may make us feel safer also prevents

us from discovering and experiencing

the wonderful, the beautiful, the joyful,

the exciting and the bewildering that

surrounds us when we keep

and open mind.

about the image: Ink and charcoal on paper

 title: Bi-polarity

Be passionate, it feels good..........

-So, is this the dream job then? I asked the x-ray machine

operator as he was on his way to get to the shielded booth. 

My words may have slowed down his walk a little

but he didn't answer.

-Stay absolutely still, he said and then shut the door to the

shielded booth.

A few minutes later he returned and told me to get up.

He didn't answer my question so I tried another one.

-What's your passion in life? I mean, what in life are you

passionate about?

-Passionate? I'm not sure that I'm particularly passionate

about anything really, he answered as he was making notes

on a piece of paper and motioning me to get dressed.

That was it. Next minute I was in my car on the way

home.

In my view passions 

 are something that evokes strong 

emotions in us often varying from happiness, joy, 

a sense of purpose and meaning as well as anger and frustration.

Some say that passions are important to us because

they help to motivate us into action, engagement and

the pursuit of desired goals.

But where do passions come from?

Pondering this, I started to wonder if perhaps day-

dreaming may have something to do with it.

Daydreaming as in ''staring out the window'',

not because of a curiosity to find out

what's going on outside, rather, in order to

 set the mind free to wander, explore, hypothesize

and let the imagination run wild in our minds.

For me, daydreaming often begins with a question:

But what if........?

What if it is possible to.....

What if I do it differently......?

What if I look at it differently....?

Recent research suggests that daydreaming can help

us problem solve, stimulate creativity as

well as set and achieve goals.

Important to remember though, is that time and

place matters.

Daydreaming is not recommended when doing

so affects or interferes with our overall

daily functioning.

How we express and experience passion 

(according to those in the know) often

depends on our personalities.

Personalities as in our character, temperament,

disposition, taste, inclinations, etc. etc.

i.e. our psychological profile.

I'm passionate about.......I'm enthusiastic about......

I like...................I enjoy................ I feel strongly about....

I'm quite interested in............and so on.

If you are wondering whether you may be ''passionate'' about

something or mere ''interested'' maybe this little

tip can be helpful:

If you find that you always put in more energy

into (doing) something than that which is required,

then that something may be something which you feel 

passionate about.

Personally, I find that although being passionate 

about stuff often involves allowing ourselves to experience

feelings on a deeper level,

it also brings with it a drive, a sense of purpose

and excitement.

''If you can't figure out your purpose, figure out your passion.

Passion will lead you right into your purpose.''

(T.D. Jakes)

''Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from

focusing on what excites you.''

(Oprah Winfrey)

about the image: acrylic on large canvas

title: American Geisha (we all can have dreams)

''I should.....I shouldn't....says who? Me, says the internal judge.''

Somewhere in our minds we have inner voices

that tells us what we should or shouldn't do, believe 

or not believe, trust or not trust, but according to

those in the know....if asked, most of us would

find it hard to specify where all those voices

come from.

According to Alain De Botton, a British philosopher,

those voices are an internalization of the voices of people

 who were once ''outside'' of us. 

Imperceptibly, unknowingly however,

we have somehow made them our own.

Some of those voices ''live'' in our conscious mind,

but many more live in our subconscious mind.

A bit like an iceberg: what we ''see''(conscious) is only

 a small portion of what is hidden beneath

 the water. (Subconscious)

Have you ever used the phrase: I shouldn't....xyz?

Or: ''They shouldn't ....xyz?

Or "You, I, they should.......xyz?

Have you ever asked yourself where the inner voice

 telling you what you ''shouldn't'' or ''should'' do

 comes from?

When my son suddenly transformed from a basket ball

and skater kid into a goth, there was no end to the

advice that I was given by people telling me that I ''should'' 

tell him to ''snap out of it'' or leave.

I was told that I shouldn't be so soft, I should show him who

 the boss was.

Agonizing over what to do, I decided to try understanding.

What did being a goth mean to my son, what did the

music he listened to give to him, and how did dressing in

all black and wearing black nail polish make him feel?

My solution was to

 push away all my own and others shoulds and shouldn'ts

and focus on just being there for my son.

In hindsight, I believe that that experience alerted me

to the many critical and judgmental voices that resided

and still reside, within me.

In conversation with a friend I suggested to him that

perhaps much of our shoulds and shouldn'ts are based

on mental shortcuts formed on opinions not based

on critical observation, self-reflection and analysis.

He disagreed and a long discussion on biases ensued.

Wanting to further my understanding of biases

I discovered that there is something called Cognitive

Biases* and that it is something that comes with

being a human being.

*Cognitive Bias is a systematic error in thinking

that affects how we process information, how we

perceive others and ourselves, and how we make decisions.

Bias: Basically, an understanding and observation of something

 impaired by inclinations toward a preferred outcome

and a disregard toward information that contradicts

 that preference.

''The eyes sees only what the mind

is prepared to comprehend.''

(Robertson Davis)

In conclusion:

I have found it helpful to ask myself

''says who?'' if I find myself making snap judgements

rather than considering a number of different

possibilities.

Especially if one of my inner critics keep telling me

what I should or shouldn't do that carries with it

negative consequences rather than positive ones.

(Negative as in pessimistic, positive as in

life-affirming)

''The vast majority of ideas we have

about ''should'' and ''shouldn't'' come from

other people.

We adopt them but they are not ''ours''.

We have not really questioned them

so as to come to our own truth about them.

We just swallow them regardless whether

they reflect our personal truth or not.''

(Teal Swan)

about the images: Iceberg, water colour on paper

Drag queen, acrylic on large canvas

When all falls apart...........

Waiting for the hospital to call me and inform me as to

how my son's operation had gone, I restlessly paced

the living room. I had tried to sit down and watch

television but every time I stopped moving

I felt as if I was going to disintegrate into a

pile of little pieces. 

(Like what happens to a LEGO creation if dropped on

 the floor after having spent hours creating it.)

As time went by and the phone remained silent

my anxiousness was quickly heading towards the ''red zone'',

that is: ''critical, bordering on falling apart''.

-Okay, that's it. I'm calling the hospital.

I need to know that my son is okay.

After much ado I was finally able to speak to

a nurse who told me that my son was ''stable''.

Since we had been told that the operation

was very serious and could potentially result

in death, quadriplegia, paraplegia and or other horrible

outcomes, ''stable'' was an unsatisfying answer but 

the nurse said that she was

unable to give me any more information.

-Call back in an hour, she said and then hang up.

Three hours later I was able to find out that

my son had been moved to a ward.

I phoned the ward and was once again told that he

 was stable.

Not long after finishing the conversation with the

hospital my son phoned me on my mobile and

told me that he was in pain but that he was not 

a paraplegic.

I could finally sit down.

I could finally breathe.

Two days later they discharged him although

he was severely traumatized both physically and

 psychologically.

Love it seems, is not so much

a feeling as it is a decision,

a choice to make.

It is now up to me to be the nurse, the doctor,

the psychologist, the parent, the friend, 

the ''whatever'' that will help my son to recover.

It may require me to ''dance'' in and out

of the ''red zone'' at times,

but I know of no other power as strong

and as transformative as love, 

so I choose love.

''Love is not a feeling

Love is a response.

Love is an action.''

(David Jeramiah)

about the image: water colour on paper.

My illustration of going through hard times

when one feels as if one is falling apart.

You are not alone.....though darkness surrounds you

Hope springs eternal, so some say.

When doubt comes knocking on your door,

send faith to answer it, so some say.

When darkness threatens to overwhelm you,

find a crack in it because that's where the

light can find a way in, so some say.

A single candle, no matter how small,

is able to dispel the darkest of darknesses,

so some say.

These sayings have always sustained me

and kept me hobbling, crawling, dragging myself

toward that spring, that crack, clinging to my

tiny candle trusting that it's little flame will

be enough to help me find my way 

out of the darkness.

 I rather be a candle than curse the darkness,

and I do love the ''chewiness'' of hope.

(How like a chewing gum it keeps sticking

to the bottom of your shoe no matter how

much you try to get rid of it.)

My faith however, or rather the lack thereof,

trying as it may to keep doubt out,

is showing signs of exhaustion and fatigue.

Doubt, like an insidious mist keeps finding

its way into my mind, my soul and my heart.

In a few days I will have to summon up

faith, hope and trust from somewhere so that

when the surgeons plunge their knives

into my son's body they will do so 

expertly and with the greatest of care.

And while I will be waiting for the result of

the operation, I will have to keep holding

on to my little candle, block the door to

 doubt, and keep my anxious heart beating.

Life presents us with many different doors

we must enter through, willingly or not.

Sometimes we are greeted by the unfamiliar,

the unexpected, the unknown and the most feared for.

Sometimes we are greeted by the familiar,

the expected, the dreamed and longed for.

Regardless of what greets us as we

enter through a new door,

deep within in us we have been given

the freedom, the gift of being able to choose

whether we will use this freedom, this gift,

to create within us a new purpose, a new

meaning and a new perspective of just how

uncertain and unpredictable 

but also beautiful and meaningful

is the life of every precious human being.

''Suffering ceases to be suffering

at the moment it finds meaning.''

(Victor Frankl)

If you, reading this, is going through

pain and suffering and feel as if

your little candle(of hope) is about to be 

snuffed out, know this:

You are not alone.

about the image: Graphite on paper

Title: Hang in there, Teddy.

Be empathetic, it feels good.....and makes others feel good too

 Browsing through a bin of old magazines in a bookshop I came across

an old People Magazine.

Flicking through the pages I found a section called Vintage photos

from the 1930's Depression in the USA.

Though there were a number of very thought provoking

images, there was one photo that spoke straight to my heart.

After reading the short story that was attached to the image

I decided that I had to try to do a painting that somehow

incorporated parts of the story in the painting.

The story:

Among the numerous suffering and starving people

who were experiencing droughts, dust storms, lost livelihoods 

and lost crops, there was a doctor, who by foot tirelessly 

walked the Southern Great Plains offering free medical

assistance to everyone, wherever he went.

*

Watching a video essay together with my son a few

nights ago, we heard the speaker utter these words:

 ''Empathy is a sin.''

The fact that the speaker was a preacher, made us look

at each other in disbelief and yell:

 ''What?!? Did he really say that?''

Having spent the last 25 years of my life absolutely

committed to accumulating as much information

as possible through thorough research founded on

accredited sources, accepted peer reviews, 

and sources globally acknowledged by other experts in

 the field,.........I can say this with confidence:

''Empathy is a sin'' is the very antithetical(opposite) of what most

religious/spiritual/wisdoms texts exhorts.

See, not only did he say that empathy is a sin, but he also said 

that it is a ''weakness''?!!!? Yikes!!!

Does that mean that sympathy and compassion in his view

 are weaknesses as well?

What about kindness? Caring?

In my view, all words are mere approximations.

With this I mean that we attach our own interpretations,

experiences and unconscious biases to the words we

and others use. 

Whatever our definition of empathy may be, just imagine 

a world void of it, or void of compassion and sympathy.

A world in which caring and being kind to others is

a ''bad'' thing, a sign of weakness.

As far as I can ascertain the fact that us humans are able

to express and experience compassion and empathy

for others is one of mankind's most redeeming 

qualities.

Empathy, may I suggest, is the opposite of self-absorption

and narcissism. It's stepping out of one's own ''bubble''

of existence and feel strong enough in one self to be

 able to recognize and identify with others when

they experience struggles and difficult times.

Empathy, rather than making us weaker makes us stronger

because it helps us to foster stronger and deeper relationships

with others.

This in turn promotes a deeper insight and understanding of

each other. A foundation upon which we can build a

compassionate and inclusive community/society.

The words sympathy and empathy are often viewed

as meaning the same thing, but in my view, they are two

different ''creatures''.

Sympathy, I interpret as to ''feeling for xyz'', empathy

I interpret as ''feeling with xyz''.

Compassion I interpret as different from sympathy and empathy

because in my view compassion includes a desire to want to help,

to act in some way that helps alleviate xyz's suffering/pain/etc. etc.

*

''Get a job!'' says the man to the beggar as hurries past him.

''Have some compassion'' says the beggar to the man.

The next day the man passes the beggar again.

''Still here? Begging instead of working, I see,'' says the

man to the beggar.

''Have some compassion,'' says the beggar to the man.

Weeks go by. Hurrying down the street the man passes the beggar.

''Still a loser I see,'' says the man to the beggar.

''Have some compassion,'' says the beggar to the man.

Months go by. Carrying a box with his things in it

the man walks past the spot where the beggar used to be.

The beggar is gone. 

Standing in line at the Job Centre its finally the man's turn.

''Sir, I've lost my job, I've lost

my family, I've lost my home. I need a job,'' says the man.

As he raises his head and looks at the person behind the

glass, he recognizes him. 

It's the beggar.

''Sir, please have some compassion,'' says the man.

The beggar looks the man straight into his eyes

and then says:

''Life can be tough sometimes, it can turn on a dime.

But with a little compassion, a kindly spoken word,

 a dark and dismal day can become rather fine.''

''In my view, the best of humanity is in our

exercise of empathy and compassion.

It's when we challenge ourselves to walk

in the shoes of someone whose pain or

plight might seem so different than yours

that it is almost incomprehensible.''

(Sarah McBride)

about the image: acrylic on large canvas, yellow ink, and

painted with a cloth, not brush