Living the Blues..........................

The Blues.

Music that comes straight from the inner most

parts of a human being.

''Gimme a pig foot and a bottle of beer'' Bessie Smith

(famous Blues singer)wailed on the old record player(gramophone)

 and from the first time I heard it, I was hooked.

Before there were vinyl records, there were Bakelite

records, also called ''78's''. In Sweden, where

I come from, they were called ''Stone Cake''

records.

Not long before my father passed away he handed

me a box of his prized 78's records.

As I browsed the content of the box, I was

overcome by childhood memories.

Those records are one of the reasons that

at the ripe old age of five, I decided that I was going 

to become a jazz & blues musician when I 

grew up.

Fast forward a bunch of years.>>>>>>>>

When I was doing a stint in the USA some years ago

 performing with some heavy-weight jazz musicians, one

night Cleve(Cleve Eaton, double bassist with among

others Count Basie's Orchestra and Ramsey Lewis)

 looked quizzically at me and asked: -How come a

little blue-eyed, white-haired kid growing up in

the suburbs of Stockholm ''gets'' the blues and jazz?

(I had told him that I had decided as a five year

old that I was going to become a jazz & blues musician.)

-Uhh, I really don't know Cleve, I just know that

from the moment I listened to my dad's old 78's

jazz and blues records, I had found a music that

knew and expressed everything that was 

in my heart and soul.

That's the thing with the Blues, it's raw, it's honest,

it tells it like it is.

Sometimes with words, sometimes with just instruments,

the Blues tells a story.

A story of what it feels like to be a human. 

When we cry when we laugh, when we love

when we grieve, when we're lonely when we're lost,

when we're happy when we're sad.

The Blues reminds us that we're not alone

when we suffer, when we struggle, when we feel

all alone.

''Every bad situation is a blues song

waiting to happen.''

(Amy Winehouse)

As a child, I used to try to get as close to the sound

I made on the piano as I could.

For hours I would press the keys searching for

sounds that responded to and expressed my feelings.

I discovered that music is a wave of emotion and

experiences in sounds that at times couldn't

be described with words.

''Music, [whatever the genre,] expresses that which

cannot be said and on which it is impossible

to be silent.''

(Victor Hugo)

about the images: top: Ink on paper

Billie Holiday, Lady sings the Blues

bottom: Graphite on paper

Light is more than a photosynthesis.........

Have you ever thought about ''light'' and how amazing it is?

I don't mean in a photosynthesis kind of a way, although

that's amazing too, no, I mean in the way light at times

can illuminate something ''ordinary'' in such a way that

it suddenly becomes extraordinary.

Extraordinary beautiful, amazing and enchanting.

Suddenly the rain stopped.

I put down my book on the table.

A sun beam touched my face and made

me look out through the window.

Hanging on to the edge of a leaf was 

a drop of water. Engulfed with sunlight

the drop glistened and sparkled like

the finest crystal. The beauty of that

drop, at that moment, had me breathless.

What I should have done was to grab my camera

and take a picture of it but I was so enthralled that

I just sat there and watched the drop until it fell

off the leaf.

That experience made me realize how beauty can be 

found in the most unexpected places and unexpected

situations.

This is a photo of some grass growing on the side

of my entrance. There is nothing special about

the grass, but for a brief second the sunlight fell on it

in such a way that it made it extraordinarily beautiful.

This time, I took a photograph of it.

The top image is a photo of broken pieces of glass

on top of a white chalked wall.

What made me stop and take a photo of those broken pieces, 

was the way the sunlight fell on them.

Somehow a broken beer bottle on a white background

 had become an impromptu, beautiful,

 ''art installation'' in my eyes.

Light is a form of energy, a type of electromagnetic

radiation that allows our eyes to ''see'' things.

However, what we see varies from person to person

as what we see, is filtered through our biases, perceptions

and cultural experiences.

Enjoying an art exhibition with a friend, suddenly before

us was a huge, yellow installation. (Really huge!)

It had an entrance at one end of it so I walked

in to it. As I found my way through it I was filled

with a sense of awe. Actually, I felt as if I had entered some 

sort of a cathedral....a blow-up yellow cathedral 

entirely made out of plastic. 

And the light, mmmm .........the light inside the installation 

was comforting, peaceful and calming. 

I don't really know how much time I spent in the cathedral,

but when I emerged from it my friend

was gone.

Later, when I finally caught up with her, I asked

her what she thought of the ''yellow cathedral''.

-Cathedral? What cathedral? Oh, you  mean that

yellow plastic monstrosity? she said.

Alas, we saw the same thing very differently.

In my view, 

just as light can turn something ordinary into

something beautiful and extraordinary, so can poor/dull/bad 

lighting turn something ordinary into something scary/

threatening/unwelcoming.

If we are seeking to find beauty in the ordinary, 

then a mindset that looks past the obvious subject

matter(thing/person/etc.) is very helpful as is patience and 

a bit of imagination methinks.

Have you ever used a kaleidoscope?

It's quite amazing.

With each turn a new beautiful image appears

as you hold it up to the light.

about the images: photos taken with an old Canon,

 the kaleidoscope image, watercolor on paper

some editing in Elements

Lonely people cast no shadow.............

 ''Les solitaires ne jettent aucune ombre.''

(Lonely people cast no shadow.)

Lonely people cast no shadows.

That's why it is so easy

not to see them.

Lonely people cast no shadows.

That's why it is so easy

not to hear them.

Lonely people cast no shadows.

That's why it is so easy

to just ignore them.

Lonely people cast no shadows.

That's why it is so easy

to look down on them.

Lonely people cast no shadows.

That's why it is so easy

to misjudge them.

Lonely people cast no shadows.

That's why it is so easy

to forget about them.

Lonely people cast no shadows.

That's why it is so easy

to disregard their tears.

Lonely people cast no shadows.

That's why it is so easy

to dismiss their humanity.

(Citizen Z)

''All the lonely people/Where do they all belong?'' 

Lennon - McCartney ask in their song ''Eleanor Rigby''.

A good question methinks.

Some say that although we may be more ''connected''

now then before we came up with the Internet,

paradoxically, we are apparently also lonelier.

According to Dr. Elias Aboujaoude, a Stanford University

psychiatrist: ''Internet-related technologies may give us

the perception of connectedness, the truth however he says,

is that the time and energy we spend on social media etc. comes

with the cost of missing out on more genuine and supportive

friendships.''

Numerous studies have found that spending a lot of time on

 social media can lead to feelings of depression, inadequacy

 and isolation as we compare our lives with everyone 

else's carefully edited versions.

Due to my son's illness I find myself spending a lot

of time in a variety of waiting rooms.

Doing so I have noticed that I am usually the only

one not scrolling or browsing (on) my phone.

I may be wrong, but sometimes I wonder if it is not

possible that our phones may create invisible barriers,

''bubbles'', which makes it possible for us to 

remain in our own ''worlds'', oblivious/unaware of 

the many splendored activities and bustling ''life'' that's

taking place everywhere, all the time, and all around us.

There are many places where we have to wait for our

turn.

At the shops, in banks, the dentists, the doctors, in hospitals,

in restaurants, in coffee shops, at the movies, at the bus stop

the train station, the airport etc. etc. etc.

Could these places not be viewed as excellent opportunities

for making new connections?

For making someone ''visible'' who may be feeling invisible?

The barista handed me my coffee. I still had half an hour to

kill. I scanned the food court and noticed an elderly woman

sitting alone slowly stirring her hot drink and staring into

nowhere. There was an air of sadness about her.

I decided to overcome my shyness and say something to her.

-Do you mind if I share this table with you? I asked.

-Please do, she said and then continued: -I haven't

spoken to a soul for days and I could do with a bit of

company.

Although once having been rebuked by someone for

starting conversations with ''strangers'', I have decided

that there are no strangers only potential friends

 I'm yet to meet.

''One of the most important things you can do on this earth

is to let people know they are not alone.''

(Shannon L. Alder)

about the image: graphite on paper, some editing in Elements

Oh, the reason for the French title is that I met a nice

 French speaking woman while waiting for my

son to have an ultra sound done on his heart. 

She translated it for me and it just sounded soooo good.

Fear is temporary, regret forever......................

''Fear is temporary, regret is forever.''

''I can't do it, it's too scary'' the little boy cried.

The father tried to comfort and encourage the boy as best he could

to help the boy overcome his fear.

Suddenly the boy's older sister(about 11-12) kneeled next to

the boy and whispered in his ear: ''Fear is temporary, regret

is forever. You can do this.''

Young as the boy was, somehow those were the words

he needed because he stopped crying, stood up straight and then

went to face his fear. 

What the little boy did was amazing. Strapped into a harness

he climbed up a 10 meter skinny pole until he reached the top.

Balancing on the very small platform at the top he took a

deep breath and then with outstretched arms...... he jumped.

Wow!! Watching this unfold on the TV I felt touched

by the little boy's bravery and his sister's words...

etched forever in my memory.

Recently I heard a man say: ''Fear, although we often equate it 

with being a ''bad'' emotion, is foremost, ......just information.''

Is it though? Just information?

Hmm, I'm not so sure.

Fear may be information as to that it informs us that danger

is coming our way. It also informs us to take action as in; flight,

fight, play possum/freeze(dead) or try to appease/placate

our way out of danger.

However, having pondered this for a while, it dawned on me

that fear can also be defined as ''an unpleasant emotional response 

triggered by the perception of danger/threat,

 real or as imagined.''

How does one physically fight or flee from a perceived threat?

For those of us suffering with GAD(generalized anxiety disorder)

 PTSD, panic attacks and or other anxiety related issues, fear

in my view, is much more than information.

When in the grips of it(fear) it can make us feel dizzy, find it hard to

breathe, feel as if we have lost control of our minds, bodies and

grasp of reality.

Everyday there are people rushed to hospital thinking that

they are having heart attacks only to be told by the doctor 

that they are just having a panic attack.

Just? For those of us who have experienced a panic attack,

or a PTSD attack, there is nothing just ''just'' about it.

It's terrifying.

But, and this is good, there things we can do to

better learn how do deal with and manage our fears.

Waking up in fright one night, heart pounding and mind

racing my ex partner sat up in bed, looked at me sternly

 and then said: ''What's the time? Ah, 4:15 in the morning.

So, right now, is there anything you can do about what is

making you so anxious?''

-No, I guess.

-Well then, as you can't do anything right now about it,

go back to sleep and then when you can actually do something,

do it.

And with those words my ex went back to sleep.

Those words have helped me through many, many,

many dark and stormy nights.

When worry comes knocking on the door, send logic to

answer it, I have deduced.

Right now my son and I are going through a very difficult

and worrisome time which at times fills both of us with

fears of all kinds. In desperation one night searching for something to

say to my son that could help calm him I paraphrased

my exe's words: ''It's night right now, everything is closed. 

First thing tomorrow we'll sort it, okay?''

Logic before emotions. My son calmed.

Fear, whether perceived or actual, feels real.

Through the years I found a few helpful questions

to ask myself if I am panicking or overly worried

that I would like to share with you.

Do I have any evidence that what I am fearing

is based in reality?

Am I safe/in a safe place right now?

Have I dealt with something like this before

and successfully overcame it?

Right now, is there something I can do 

that will help me?

Fear is temporary, regret is forever.

If fear comes knocking on your door,

send hope and faith to answer it.

Anne Frank, was a Jewish young girl who lived in

Amsterdam, the Netherlands, during the Nazi occupation.

On her 13ths birthday she was given a diary which

she brought with her when she and her mother

went into hiding in an attic.

For the duration of her time in the attic she

wrote down her thoughts and experiences

in her diary.

Amazingly, although going through such an extremely anxious

and life threatening situation, her diary is full of

hope and a zest for life.

''How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single

moment before starting to change the world.''

''Despite everything I believe that people

are really good at heart.''

''In the long run the sharpest weapon of all

is a kind and gentle spirit.''

Unfortunately, her hiding space was discovered and not long

before the war ended so did Anne's and her mother's lives.

Fortunately for us, a friend managed to save her diary

and by publishing it, her diary/book can be read by anyone

who is interested. (The Diary of a Young girl)

''The final forming of a person's character

lies in their own hands.''

about the image: ink on canvas

all quotes by Anne Frank

Being ''different'' means asking: But what if...?

What is it like to be ''different''?

Is being different a ''good'' or a ''bad'' thing?

Depends. On what? On how the person using

the word different interprets/understands the word.

In some circumstances being different can be experienced

as an attribute, a ''good'' thing, in some others....not so much.

We quickly learn as children that it feels good to be ''liked''

by others. It feels good to be included, invited, and accepted.

We also quickly learn that if we want to be included, invited and

accepted we have to conform and ''behave''* like those who we

want to be accepted by.

(*Behave as in conduct ourselves in accordance with the accepted

norms of the group we want to belong to.)

When I was six or seven years old was the first

time, I think, that I experienced what being different

could mean. 

-You come with me, said the music teacher. 

Perplexed I stopped playing the recorder/flute and asked:

-Where am I going?

-We are going upstairs, just follow me, she answered.

I was convinced that I had done something wrong.

Silently I followed her upstairs into a small room

filled with music stands and piles of sheet music.

-Here, sit down on this chair. I sat down.

The music teacher placed some sheet music on a stand 

in front of me, sat down on a chair next to me,

 and then started to play on her recorder.

Suddenly she stopped.

-Can you play what I just played? she asked.

Puzzled I repeated on my recorder what she had played.

-I knew it, from our first lesson I knew that you were different,

she said and smiled.

Unfortunately, well intentioned as the music teacher's

act was, it became the beginning of me being mercilessly

bullied for being ''the teacher's pet''.

I didn't view myself as different, or the teachers pet, I was

just me. A six-year old who somehow had a knack for

playing the recorder.

Fast forward years and years and I have now become

 accustomed to being called ''different''.

If you reading this have also experienced being called

different, I would like to share some thoughts with you.

First, there are a lot of us ''different'' people.

So you belong. You are not alone.

There are a lot of us who are told that we are ''too'', too

sensitive, too introverted, too deep, too intense, too

emotional, too different, too this that and the other.

To this my question is: what is the right amount thereof

and who gets to decide that?

As far as I can ascertain none of us have chosen our

genetic make-up, the only thing we get to choose is what

to do with it.

I have often wondered if not some of us are born

with the question ''but what if....?'' on our lips.

Also, if it may be possible that ''but what if?'' at times

plays a big part in how we discover new ways of doing,

thinking, viewing, perceiving, and interpreting a number of

known and unknown ''things''.

One last thought:

If people tell you that you're ''different'',

take it as a compliment. 

If it wasn't for people being ''different'',

would ice cream come in so many different flavours?

''The person who follows the crowd will usually go

no further than the crowd. The person who walks

alone is likely to find him(/her)self in places no one

has ever seen before.''

(Albert Einstein)

about the image: acrylic on large canvas

Turning pain into a creative expression........

''But what is it supposed to mean?'' is a question I have often

been asked by people viewing some of my art works.

More often than not I would answer with: ''Well, what do you think

it means?'' followed up with ''It means whatever you think

it means''. 

Standing in front of a large white canvas for the first time

I felt such a sense of freedom that I decided to ''hang

rules and techniques''. I was just going to paint intuitively.

Having spent years improvising in music, why not do

the same when painting?

This is one of my earliest paintings and I began

painting it by deciding to slop on some blue and

green on the canvas. (Probably because I was listening to

a Miles Davis tune by the name ''Blue in Green'' at the

time.)

I grabbed a bit of charcoal, did some ''improvising'',

 and then as if out of nowhere and right before my 

eyes ...........the boy appeared. 

One of the most wonderful aspects of art in my view,

is that (I believe) it is a subjective experience. 

I find that how we experience artworks is often affected 

by our emotional state at the time of viewing/listening

to them.

Another wonderful thing about art is that it

works so well as a symbolic language.

As in: ''A picture paints a thousand words'', music can

sound like the rushing wind, the roaring ocean, the

flight of a bumble bee, etc. etc. etc..

A poem/song lyrics can describe our inner most thoughts

and feelings with the use of but a few words.

A single photograph can for example 

capture a historic/epic/extraordinary moment

in time.

With words we can create imaginary worlds, universes,

beings, etc. etc. etc......

Having said this, let me give you the title for the

painting at the top: ''Heartbreak.''

Huh? you may say.

Why not ''The red chair''?

Let me explain.

As a kid my family used to spend our summers at our

summer cottage. It was a wonderful place full of

all sorts of wild berries, marvelous hiding spaces and

best of all....waterfrontage with a jetty to either

sunbathe on or jump off.

Occasionally we (the kids) would be allowed to invite

a friend to come and stay with us, and as we grew

older, even boy/girlfriends.

The summer I turned 17 the love of my life (and

also my first love) broke up with me.

It affected me so much that no matter how much

the sun shone brightly, the water in the lake glittered and 

sparkled, for me, summer ended abruptly and autumn 

 arrived with all it's muted and solemn dark colours.

(the background of the jetty)

I felt alone (the red chair), empty and isolated (the blue

outline around the chair) in my pain.

Hence the title ''Heartbreak.''

(I hope this makes sense to you, but if the painting

means/depicts something totally different to you,

I respect that.)

After the summer was over and the family returned home,

I decided to channel my emotions through music.

The piano became my love, my friend, and my comfort

in the storm.

A year or so later I was accepted into a sought after (respected)

 Music school. My life as an artist had begun.

Years later..... my very creative teenage son is experiencing

his first heartbreak. Remembering how awful I felt when

I experienced it, I was determined to find something

at least a bit helpful to say to him.

As he was already a budding artist, this is what I blurted

out: ''Paint the pain, write it out, say it with music,

say it with photographs. Pain when expressed creatively

can become a piece of art, pain when repressed or 

dwelled upon, can make you a prisoner to the dark.''

''Art is an outer expression of an inner experience.''

(Citizen Z)

''Creating artwork allows your mind to be in a safe

place while it contemplates the tougher issues you

 are dealing with.''

(George E. Miller)

about the images: acrylic on large canvases

Title of 2nd image: ''Blue in Green''

''I know just how you feel.......Well, not really.....

''I know just how you feel''.

Something we may say in an attempt to comfort

someone. To show that we are on his/her side.

That we understand what he/she is going through.

But do we? Can we?

So here is my quandary: Is it possible for any one of us to truly

  know what another human feels?

''There are things that we know. There are things that we know

that we don't know. And then there are things that we don't know that

we don't know.'' ( said by ?)

When we say that we know something...what do we really mean?

Perhaps we may mean that we understand, comprehend, apprehend,

grasp something. I guess it may depend on context?

However, the ''knowing'' bit becomes in my view quite murky

when we add ''feelings'' to the knowing.

Some years ago I did a crisis counselling course and one of

the most profound wisdoms I gained from the course was

how limited my vocabulary was when it came to feelings.

(This I discovered when during an exercise we were asked

to write down 20 different feelings and I failed miserably at

doing so.)

You feel sad? As in: down, miserable, depressed, lonely,

unhappy, downhearted, etc. etc. etc.?

You feel angry? As in: upset, frustrated, cross, annoyed, irritated,

irate, etc. etc. etc.?

You feel bored? As in: disinterested, blasé, fed up, uninterested,

etc. etc. etc.?

You feel unhappy? As in: sad, miserable, rejected, dejected,

despondent, alienated, dispirited, etc. etc. etc.?

You feel lost? As in: unmotivated, directionless, discouraged,

alienated, dispirited, isolated, etc. etc. etc.?

The more specific we can be when we are verbally

 communicating our feelings/emotions, the easier it will

be for others to understand/decode what we are trying

to convey.

However, as a lot of communication these days may 

perhaps exponentially be exchanged into text form, and so possibly

rather than increasing our vocabularies, we may find

them shrinking.

As far as I can ascertain, although texting has a lot

of pluses, it also has minuses.

Communicating through texting we are not able to

 convey body-language, facial expressions, tone and

emotion, eye contact and ''build'' a genuine connection

and trust.

That's what emoji's are for, you may say.

Yes, we can use emoji's but emoji's can apparently

 (I have discovered) be used ''ironically'' and

they can create ambiguity and confusion.

Texting encourages rapid-fire, single-thought conversations,

but when it comes to sensitive and sincere conversations,

in my view such are often ''better'' (more conducive to) 

 face to face.

Let's imagine a convo on a mobile/cell phone.

                                                   Sender: Feeling down today. 😔

                                                   Receiver: Why?

                                                   Sender: Dunno. Hard to say.😟

                                                   Receiver: Everyone feels a bit down sometimes

                                                                           I know just how you feel. 😏

                                                   Sender: You do too?

                                                   Receiver: Nah, not me. I stay positive.😎

                                                   Sender: You wanna catch up later?

                                                   Receiver: Sorry, got stuff to do. I'll call you later.

                                                   Sender: Okay. Later then.

Doing the counselling course I learned a few very gentle

and simple but profound new ways of ''conversing''.

If someone tells me he/she is feeling down, low, sad, etc....

don't ask why, just say ''How can I help?''.

If someone tells me that he/she is feeling lonely,

don't ask why, just offer to listen.

If someone tells me that he/she feels anxious, nervous, etc..

don't tell him/her you know ''just how it feels'',

just ask: ''How long have you been feeling this way?''

If someone texts me saying that he/she is feeling lost and confused,

don't ask anything just text back:

 ''Please call me so we can chat properly

 or would you like to come over?''

I still have to remind myself to not use the phrase

''I know just how you feel''. The intention for using it

may be good, but it is not really helpful.

Even if we may be going through (or have gone through) what

seems to us to be a similar experience, we can not ''know''

what someone else is feeling. Our feelings are unique to us

as they are founded on our interpretations and perceptions of

our life experiences.

''There seem to be some questions and quandaries in life

for which in spite of much pondering, no answers can be found.

Though such may be the case, a listening ear and a gently spoken word,

soothes, restores and even sometimes heals... even the greatest wounds.''

(Citizen Z)

''Effective communication is 20% what you know,

and 80% how you feel about what you know.''

(Jim Rohn)

about the image: charcoal on baking paper, some editing in Elements