The problem with problems.........

I don't know about you, but I sometimes feel as if I've

been through a shredder.

Stuff happens, we deal with it and then try to move on.

Right? Yeah, well, not always in my view.

Sometimes stuff happens at such an alarming rate

that it can be difficult to find the time or space to ''re-group''.

You know, one of those weeks when it seems

as if anything that can go wrong, goes wrong.

You've just managed to sort out one problem

when the next one comes along and knocks you for six.

(A bit like the 70's Arcade game Whac-A-Mole methinks.)

Problems are pesky critters that insists on our attention.

Sometimes we may try to ignore them, we may try to

''whack'' them away, but in my experience, more often than 

not the most efficient way to get rid of them is to deal with them.

''Easier said than done'' you may say.

And I agree, sometimes we may face problems that

may overwhelm us, that zaps us of all our mental energy

and leaves us wanting to curl up in a fetal position.

But perhaps sometimes that may be just what we need

to do in order to gather strength?

I am all for positive thinking, affirmations and problem

solving, however, life has taught me that there are times when

retreating to a quiet and safe place and just be still for a moment

before tackling a problem can be more helpful.

A few years ago my father was very ill and we were all very

worried about him. Not wanting him to be alone, all of us

in the family took turns in being with him in the hospital.

One day, a very difficult day, when it was only he and

I in the hospital room, he asked me to put a pillow

over his face and suffocate him.

He didn't want to live any longer.

What does one say to that?

No, is what I said and then left the room.

On very wobbly legs I walked out of the hospital,

found a quiet corner and slumped to the ground.

I needed time to think, to find words, and to find the strength

to say them to my father.

As a parent of a son who struggles with an array of mental health 

and physical illnesses, there has been many times when

I have felt as if I have been through a ''shredder''.

Times when I've felt as if I was going to die from exhaustion,

from losing my mind, from anxiety, from fear, and or from 

a sense of hopelessness and inadequacy.

But as is obvious since I am writing this, each time I go through

the shredder, I put the pieces back together again.

(Of course not perfect.... going through a shredder leaves ''scars''.)

''It is in the stillness, 

that the greatest peace of mind

and wisdom can be found.''

These words somehow suddenly popped up in my mind

as I was sitting on the ground outside the hospital.

I took a few deep breaths and then walked back to

my father's room.

I had found the words and the strength I had been searching for.

And, now, three years later....every second Sunday I visit my

mum and dad in their beautiful home.

Problems, most seem to agree, is part of life.

Sometimes they may come all at once,

sometimes perhaps one at the time.

Some may need immediate attention,

some may need some thoughtful meditation.

''The tests we face on life's journey are not

to reveal our weaknesses but to help us

discover our inner strengths.

We can only know how strong we are

when we strive and thrive beyond

the challenges we face.''

(Kemi Sogunle)

about the image: Ink on paper, edited in Photoshop

 

Who are you George?

I am a man.

 I am a father,

    I am a husband,

 I am a brother.

I am a friend,

   I am a stranger.

I am a singer,

I am a talker.

I love my wife,

     I love my children.

   I love my parents,

   I love my siblings.

  I love my music,

I love my food.

 I love my home,

     I love a good brew.

There are times when I feel happy,

there are times when I feel sad,

there are times when I feel hopeful,

and times of deep despair.

There are times when I feel anxious,

there are times when I feel poised.

there are times when I feel troubled,

there are times I feel composed.

I am a being,

a human being.

 I am a spirit,

a living spirit.

I am a heart,

a beating heart.

I am a soul,

a teaching soul.

The I, that I know to be me,

is not skin that covers me.

The I, that I know to be me,

are my actions, my hopes,

my dreams, my beliefs,

and my feelings.

''The true colour of a person is not determined by skin,

but by the behaviour in it.''

(Giovanni de Sadeleer)

about the image: a photo I took of  ''Chicken George'', a musician

friend of mine

Feeling lonely sometimes? Don't worry, we all do.

 The door behind her closes with a soft thud.

She kicks of her uncomfortable shoes and head

straight for the fridge. Ah. She grabs her elixir, her best friend,

her counselor who always soothes and comforts her.

She pours the wine into a large glass, sits down 

on her couch, takes a sip, and then turns on the Laptop.

As if out of nowhere her eyes suddenly fill up

with tears. What's wrong with me? she asks herself.

Why am I crying? Which is a superfluous question.

She knows why she is crying. She is feeling lonely.

Feeling lonely at times is part of the human condition.

We are a species who seek meaningful social connections,

and having difficulties in making such connections can

perhaps for some of us be quite taxing and at times 

perhaps even devastating.

''Lonely people are lonely because they have poor

social skills.''

So some say, but is there perhaps not more to it?

How many social connections is the right amount?

See, here's the thing, I believe it is quite possible

to feel lonely when in a crowd, but also to feel

crowded when alone.

We are all different. Some of us may need a lot of

social connections and some of us may not.

Besides, what do we mean with social connections?

Let me suggest:

Social connections are the relationships we have

with others and they come in many varieties.

Especially since the advent of the Internet.

According to some, we are more connected today then

mankind has ever been....yet....somehow we are

also experiencing more feelings of isolation and

loneliness.

 During these turbulent times it seems that not

only the quantity of social connections we have

matters, but also the quality.

Which leads me to wonder: how important is 

it that our connections are actual as well as virtual?

How important for instance, is touch?

In the mid-1990's two scientists traveled to Romania to 

study sensory deprivation in children in understaffed

orphanages and discovered that touch-deprived children

had considerably lower cortisol and growth development

levels for their age groups.

Since then other studies on touch have been done that shows

how physical touch plays a primary role in our development

and physical and mental well-being.

Tiffany Field, head of the Touch Institute at the University

of Miami's Miller School of Medicine, made a

shocking discovery when she did a study at the 

arrivals at different airports:

 Nobody was touching each other.

Everyone was on their phone. (or i-Thingy)

No hugging, no embracing, not even handshakes.

Having said this, it seems as if perhaps this Covid-19 Pandemic

with quarantines, lock-downs, and social distancing may have

reminded some of us that we need eye-to-eye contact and touch 

as well as thru an interface.

We may have hundreds or even thousands of Twitter, Facebook, 

Instagram, etc. ''friends'', but when hard times hit us,

what would we prefer: 

a binary code/pixels on a screen or someone

sitting next to us?

If you find yourself at the bottom of a dark pit,

would you prefer someone to ''throw'' you a line

or throw you a rope?

Even though most of us feel lonely at times,

there still seems to be stigma attached to it.

''Don't tell anyone that you feel lonely, if you

do you are likely to be judged as a loser, as

unlikable, and as a weirdo.''

We do judge. We blame. We look down upon.

We rather throw solutions and ''good'' advice

than say: ''I feel lonely too sometimes.''

In my view, feeling lonely now and then does not

necessarily have to indicate lacking social skills,

it just means being a human.

''Loneliness is not lack of company,

Loneliness is lack of purpose.''

(Guillermo Maldonado)

about the image: water colour on paper/some Photoshop editing

Bias? What do you mean?

Crows seem to love my deck.

Every day they come for a visit.

One by one they line up on the railing.

And they ''chat''. Loudly. And a lot.

I have never really thought of crows as ''beautiful''

but I do find them intriguing.

According to folk lore (depending on culture),

 they are cunning, smart and often viewed as ''tricksters''.

After watching a crow ''snowboarding'' (YouTube) down

a snow cowered roof over and over again,

I think I may have to add that they seem to be

able to have fun as well.

Without going into any depth on the subject, is it possible

that because the crow is all black, has piercing eyes,

scavenges around dead things and caws menacingly (to our ears),

many of us perhaps view them as creepy, scary,

and ''bad''?

Some say that the black=bad notion has its roots in

us having a deep-seated tendency to associate darkness

with wickedness. Evil deeds being done under the cover of

darkness and so on.

Strangely however, when it comes to clothing, dressing in black

often seems to represent power, authority, elegance,

sophistication and formality.

I don't know about you, but I am somewhat flummoxed

by why so many religious institutions who claim to represent

the ''good'' (good=white) often dress in black (clergy, priests, nuns,

bishops, rabbis, etc.etc.).

Take a ''goth'' kid for instance, his or her dressing in all

black is often viewed as a sign of rebellion, whereas a clergy

dressed in an ankle-long black cassock is a sign of humility.

Just imagine a judge who enters his courtroom dressed in

a multi-coloured robe, or a doctor who wears all black

scrubs, would you trust them?

Would you trust a solicitor dressed in a red and

white polka dot suit as much as a solicitor dressed in a

black suit?

Bias.

A learned inclination for or against something.

Although, that is often not how we experience it.

Often our biases are hidden from our consciousness

as it is something that we have acquired very early

in our lives at a time when we were too young to be able to

differentiate between fact and opinion.

(Cognitive biases, is an ''umbrella term that refers to

the systematic ways in which context and framing of

information influence individuals' judgement

and decision-making.'')

Basically, biases are repeated patterns of thinking

that have not been scrutinized as to their veracity.

Example:

''Would you like to try a Swedish meatball? They are delicious.''

''No, thanks.''

''Why not?''

"I won't like it.''

''How do you know that you won't like it if you have

 never tried eating one?''

''I just know.''

Having biases is part of being human.

We all have them.

Knowing what they are and when they kick in,

has the potential to help us become less quick to

judgement and more open to others perspectives.

''The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.''

(Robertson Davies)

''Be like a crow...

Collect shiny things

Hop happily down the street

for no apparent reason

Scream loudly when you see your friends''

(?)

about the image: acrylic on canvas

Hard does not mean impossible.......

I have often wondered why we are mean to each other.

Why do we purposefully say things that we know will

hurt? 

Why are kind people often viewed as ''weak''?

Why is a gentle person often regarded as a ''push-over'' ?

Why is having a heart of gold not as important

as being self-assured?

It may be hard but not impossible to change our ways:

To choose kindness rather than meanness,

to choose words that uplifts rather than tear down,

to choose gentleness rather than harshness,

to choose to aim for a heart of gold rather than a pot of gold.

It may be hard but not impossible to: encourage rather than correct,

to support rather than criticize, to give rather than take,

and to love rather than hate.

''If we wait for others to change the world,

we may have to wait forever.

 If we change ourselves, the world

 as we perceive it will immediately be changed.''

(Citizen Z)

Does growing old scare you?

Old.

A heavily charged word.

Often associated with something surpassed by something 

newer, something improved, something more ''current''.

What about human beings?

How do we view ''old'' people?

We all know that aging is a part of the human experience,

but do we really know, or want to know, what it feels like

to evolve from being a ''person'' to being an old person?

As a society, how do we treat our old people?

In the midst of a pandemic that seems to affect the elderly

worse than other age groups, the media has made it

quite obvious that we (here in the western world)

 more often than not do not treat the elderly with compassion

and understanding.

Often, perhaps without us really being aware of it, 

old age may be one of those subjects we just don't want

to think about. We may even feel somewhat annoyed with

those pesky, try-hard ''baby-boomers'' who just don't seem

to know when to retire and ''take down the plaque''.

60's is the new 50's, 70's is the new 60's and so on.

Where ever one goes, there they seem to be. In the coffee shops,

on the bike tracks, in the gyms, in the swimming pools,

at yoga, on the hiking trail, (often dressed in colourful Lycra)

on the beach, etc.etc. 

Some of them even seem to get a new lease of life once they

have retired! Some sell their houses, buy camper-vans, boats, buses, 

and start to travel. 

Some get engaged in charity, community, and other kinds of 

volunteering work. Some join classes: pottery, painting, writing,

computer, music, counseling, etc.etc.

Some embrace technology and become wizards at most

i-thingy's. 

Baby-boomers, what have they really contributed to society?

*  That it is important to be an informed member of society and 

to question governmental authority.

(Remember Watergate? The Vietnam war?)

*  We inhabit one environment, one planet.

Conservation of the environment and the planet,

is not a political or financial issue, 

it's a ''survival of the planet'' issue.

(Greenpeace was established in 1971.)

*  The need for us to be involved in our communities:

Civil rights and women's rights, aka human rights

need to be fought for for a more egalitarian society.

*  Art is not just a pretty picture, or a beautiful piece

of music, it can be

a powerful agent that can be used to generate

 cultural/societal change.

(In 1969, Jimi Hendrix performed a rendition of the 

''Star-spangled Banner'' at Woodstock in which he was

able to capture the essence of the very complicated 

issue of the Vietnam war on his guitar. (May be

worth a listen.))

*  DNA fingerprinting, the implantable artificial heart,

The Apple II, The World Wide Web, The Universal Serial

Bus port (USB) are just a few Boomer inventions.

 Aging is part of the human experience, how we deal with it 

however is up to each of us.

Some say: ''You're only as old as you feel''.

Recent studies have shown that there is merit to that saying,

but I would like to add to that: ''and think".

Age, in my view does not have to determine how we think.

Embracing change, being passionate,

curious, compassionate, caring, mindful, interested,

thoughtful, etc.etc. is not determined by our age

but our willingness to have and keep an open mind.

''The sooner growing older is stripped of reflexive dread,

the better equipped we are to benefit from the

countless ways in which it can enrich us.''

(Ashton Applewhite)

about the image: acrylic on canvas

Sometimes talking to a stranger can be easier than talking to a friend.......

I look at my watch. 4 am. Four more hours to go. 

Standing in the kitchen at the Crisis Center I hear my phone 

ring again. I grab my coffee and run to my cubicle.

''Stanton Crisis Center, how may I help you?''

I can hear someone breathing on the other end

of the line.

I try again: ''I am listening, can I help you?''

Finally a deep voice answers: ''I've never done this before,

I mean called a Crisis Center, and I don't know if you

can help me, but I guess it's worth a shot.''

''I am happy to give it a try. Why don't you tell me

what's on your mind?''

The caller sighs.

''I can't sleep. My mind just wont shut down. It's like

I've got ants crawling around in my brain. I have never been 

much of a worrier, but nowadays it seems as if all I do

is worry.''

''What do you worry about?''

''Everything. I worry about my kids, I worry about losing

my job, and I worry about if perhaps there is something

wrong with me. 

I've never been an emotional sort of person but lately I seem to

have become one and that worries me.''

''You are concerned about your emotional state of mind?

 Is that right?''

''Yeah. I wouldn't say that I'm depressed, but I feel down

most of the time. I don't seem to be able to shake it off

which I am usually able to do.

 It's like there's a dark cloud hanging

over me all the time. That's not normal, is it?''

''You are feeling down which is unusual for you.

You have tried to shake it off but you have not been

able to do so. 

Are you now worried that the feeling

that there is a dark cloud hanging over you is not normal?''

''Yeah, I mean, it's not normal to feel down all the

time is it?''

"Is it okay to feel down sometimes in your view?''

''Sure, it is. It's okay to feel down when there's a good 

reason for it. Like when something bad happens.

I mean, like when my marriage fell apart and I had

to move out. Or when I found out that my daughter was

bullied at school.  Feeling down when stuff like that

happens is normal.''

''It sounds to me as if it is important for you 

to be viewed as normal, is that right?''

''It is. People are too emotional these days, always

on about their feelings. My mum was always on about

expressing one's feelings. Not that it did her any good.

She took an overdose of sleeping pills last year and died.

At the funeral her doctor came up to me and told me that

he had been treating her for depression for years.

Depression? Why had she not told me??!!!''

''I can sense some anger in your tone of voice.

Would I be correct in suggesting that you are angry with

your mother for killing herself?''

''You bet I'm angry! If she would have told me how

down she was feeling I could have done something!

Instead I always feel guilty for not having seen how

bad she was feeling.''

''That feeling of guilt and anger, do you think it may be possible

that it may have something to do with that dark cloud 

that you feel is always hanging over you?''

''Hmmm, I've never thought of it that way.

So, let me see....I am angry with my mum for not

telling me how bad she was feeling, I feel angry with myself

for not having noticed that she was struggling, and I feel

guilty for not having done something about it all.

Is that about the sum of it?''

''Perhaps, what do you think?''

''I guess it is possible. If I am to be honest, it was suggested

to me by my ex that I needed to go and see someone.

She said that after my mum died I'd changed,

 that I had become really moody and withdrawn.

Actually, come to think of it, 

the kids have said the same thing.

So, to get rid of the dark cloud I should go

and see someone? 

Someone like a counselor or a psychologist?

Lay it all out there? Express my feelings??''

There is a touch of sarcasm in the caller's tone

of voice but I ignore it.

''What do you think?''

I can hear the caller taking a deep breath and then letting

out a sigh.

A few extraordinarily long seconds pass in silence, and

then finally: ''I guess it couldn't hurt. I do want to

get back to feeling normal again with a clear

blue sky above my head, void of any dark clouds.''

*********

I did spend a year ''working'' at a Phone Crisis Counseling

Center some years ago, but the above story is merely an example 

of a Phone Counseling session, not an actual one.

''Sometimes it can be easier to tell a stranger

what you're going through than it is to tell a friend.''

(Citizen Z)

about the image: acrylic on canvas...  

first I threw a few splashes of colour on the canvas, then I covered the canvas

with black paint. When it was semi-dried, I removed some of the black

paint with a cloth to reveal the face