Listening is an action......

The facilitator sighed deeply.

''Counseling'', she said, ''is not about giving advice, it's about listening.

And when I say listening, I mean active listening.

Active listening is a communication technique that requires from

the listener to re-state and paraphrase in his/her own

words what he/she has heard, and by doing so

confirm with the speaker that they understand

each other.''

''Okay class, so what we are going to do now is to split you up

in to groups of four and practice active listening.''

Although we were in our third week of the Crisis counseling course,

we didn't really know each other.

Yet, somehow, groups of four were made.

We placed our chairs in a circle facing each other, we

smiled, we gave each other furtive looks,

 but not one of us spoke.

It seemed none of us wanted to go first.

Roger, one of the few men who attended the course,

finally broke the silence and began to tell us why

he was doing the course.

He told us that he was in the middle of divorce proceedings

and that his wife wanted to break up because she felt that

they never really communicated.

Before long, others in the group began to give him advice.

I remained silent and focused on just listening. 

Not because I didn't also have the urge to

offer some advice, but because the facilitator had told us

to not do so.

Suddenly Roger turned to me and said: ''You haven't said a word,

what do you think?''

Mindful of what the facilitator had told us, I said: ''So what

I have heard you say is that your wife feels that the

communication between you is not very good, is that right?

Yes, he answered.

"What I have also heard you say is that you feel that

when you do try to be open and honest with her, she shuts

you down, is that right?

Yes.

''Am I right in saying that I've heard you say that you offered to

go to couples counseling but that she feels that it's too late?

Yes.

''But you feel that it's not too late and that your marriage can 

still be saved, is that right?''

Yes.

And so it went. I paraphrased, he agreed when he felt that

he was understood correctly, and when he felt that he wasn't,

he re-phrased himself.

One by one, we all took turns speaking about issues that 

were important to us, and although at times

we would give in to the temptation of advice giving,

I think we all discovered the effectiveness of active listening.

At the end of the session, I wrote down some notes. 

If, or when, someone needs a listening ear,

instead of jumping in to ''solving'' mode try saying this:

I am here and I am listening.

I want to hear what you are saying so that I can sense what

you are feeling and thinking.

Can I share with you my perceptions of what you have 

told me to make sure that I'm on track?

Can we explore together your concerns and maybe

that can help in some way to bring clarity to your 

situation?

If I start to give you advice, please tell me to stop.

On the way to my car at the end of the day, Nicola,

another student, caught up with me.

''Do you buy into the ''no advice'' thing? Really, what's the point in

sharing one's troubles with someone if they are not going to

offer any advice on how to fix it? Seems pretty useless to me and

I don't agree with it.''

Before I could answer her she shouted ''See ya" and disappeared

around the corner.

All the way home I pondered what Nicola had said.

Was she right?

Why do so many of us feel the need to offer up solutions?

We may be perplexed by our own problems yet we are

often quick to offer solutions to other's problems.

Let's face it, telling others how to fix their problems

is often far easier than figuring out our own, besides,

it's a kind of ego-boost.

However, creating a space in our hearts and minds by listening,

listening deeply and supportedly, 

may be the most helpful thing we can do

when someone needs a hand.

''What's wrong with giving advice?

Advice is often a basic insult to the intelligence

of the other person.

It implies a lack of confidence in the capacity of the

person with the problem to understand

and cope with his or her own difficulties.''

(Robert Bolton)

about the image: biro on paper... ''open'' your ears and you hear better

ps. Nicola never came back to the course

Anxious? Meh, so is everyone....:)

This, well, for me anyway, is a visual representation

of what happens to our thinking when we are experiencing

a bout of anxiousness, a panic attack, or a ''flash-back''.

Our thinking becomes messy with rapid-fire thoughts

(or memories) and all but does away with our capacity

for ''rational and reasonable'' thinking.

Can you hear your heart pounding,

Or is just me?

Is it really hot in here and hard to breathe,

Or is it just me?

Can you feel an iron grip around your heart,

Or is it just me?

Is your tongue swollen and your mouth bone dry,

Or is it just me?

Do you feel as if your life is threatened and you may possibly die,

Or is it just me?

Do you sometimes feel as if you're losing your mind,

Or is it just me?

Do you try really hard, yet sleep evades you,

Or is it just me?

Do you keep your deepest fears hidden

Or is it just me?

''Life is a hypothesis and not a forgone conclusion'' in my view,

so there will be times in most of our lives when we will

experience anxiety, perhaps even panic attacks and or PTSD.

Although these experiences can be very challenging and scary,

they can also help ''tenderize'' our hearts.

Compassion and understanding comes easier when we have

personal experiences to draw strength from when or if

someone we care about is going through an anxious time.

Often our emotions are a response to our thoughts, 

so putting that ''thinking'' into practice

I have found it helpful to backtrack my thinking when

I feel anxious about something.

''What's been pre-occupying my mind lately/today? The thoughts

swirling about in my mind, are they conjecture and speculation

or true?''

 Throwing facts at worrying thoughts can be very helpful:

 ''Is this something I know for a fact, or am I spit-balling?''

(Although, this necessitates acknowledging and not denying

one's ''worries''.)

''You don't have to control your thoughts.

You just have to stop letting them control you.''

(Dan Millman)

''Being anxious, or having panic attacks or flash-backs does not indicate

a weakness of the mind, rather, it indicates a fertile mind in

which many possibilities are born.''

(Citizen Z)

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.”

Waiting is an opportunity, not a waste of time........

Before I started to paint, I used to do a lot of photography.

I loved my old Analogue SLR and together we shot

many, many photos. Alas, along comes digital cameras

and out went films and the need for labs. 

I bought myself a digital camera, but, I never warmed to it.

I started to paint instead.

Now, many years later, due to torn rotator cuffs and

bursitis in my neck and shoulders, I can no longer paint.

Alas, I have decided to go back to photography as it

does not hurt.

(The above image is a photo I shot in my kitchen an 

hour ago with my crappy, old, low pixel rate,

digital camera.)

Satisfying though it is to instantly be able to see the

image, I have to admit that I miss the waiting for

the ''reveal'' while waiting at the lab for photos

to be developed.

(Although, truth be told, I don't miss the cost involved

with having films processed.)

Waiting, come to think of it, is something many of 

us don't like very much.

Perhaps how we experience the passing of time may have

something to do with how we view waiting?

''Life is short, so I need to cram as much of it into every passing

moment as I can.''

This is of course where i-Thingy's come in handy.

Wherever/whenever we find ourselves having to wait, we can

always fill the time (make use of time) by ''surfing the net'',

listening to music, checking emails, catching up with friends,

etc.etc.

There is no doubt about how very handy it is

to be able to do those things, but lately, I have 

been wondering if it is not possible that we may

miss out on actual ''living experiences'' when we

forfeit it for ''virtual'' ones.

Waiting, for some of us, may feel like we are

''wasting'' our time, so we may feel a need to fill

 it with something we deem more useful.

But, often when we are waiting somewhere,

we are not doing so in a void. Usually, there

are others waiting as well.

At the doctors, in a queue, at the bus/train stop, at the airport,

etc.etc. 

These sorts of situations can be opportunities for

making new connections, for observing life

in the moment, for just ''being''.

According to those in the know, more and more of

us are feeling alienated and lonely.

And I can't help but wonder if our ''obsession'' and

preoccupation with i-Thingy's perhaps has something

to do with that.

If we replace face-to-face interaction with 

virtual interaction, there is some research that

suggest that rather than feeling closer to others,

we feel more isolated.

However, if we use social networking to promote

face-to-face conversations, then the outcome is often

that we feel less lonely.

An i-Thingy can perhaps feel like a ''security blanket'',

but consider this,

is it possible that it can also be viewed as a

''Do Not Disturb'' sign?

Next time you are waiting(for whatever),

why not keep your i-Thingy turned off

and just use your waiting time to 

observe everything around you.

''Life only happens in the Now.''

Funny? Not if someone gets hurt............

 Charlie Chaplin, (above painting) once upon a time was a world

wide known movie star.

Through dark times during the Depression, World War I and II, 

he managed to find a way of allowing mankind some respite

from despair and heartache through his uncanny and wonderful

knack of making us laugh.

 What I find so masterful and insightful about his art is that 

he managed to (and still does) make us laugh at ourselves and all our

idiosyncrasies without any undertones of sarcasm or cynicism.

How often do you laugh?

What would you consider to be ''funny''?

Do you think there is a difference between laughing at verses

laughing with?

There is a theory that suggests that often what we find 

to be funny involves an element of surprise.

(We think we know what will happen next, but then something

else happens instead.)

There seem to be a general consensus that ''laughter is the

best medicine''.

Why?

Well, some say that:

it's good for our blood vessels, our emotional well-being,

it helps with social bonding, makes us more attractive,

lowers our stress and anxiety levels, strengthens our immune

and respiratory systems.

I read somewhere that laughter is about bonding/relationships

rather than a bunch of jokes.

Have you noticed that watching a ''funny'' something together

with others somehow makes it easier to laugh than when

you're on your own?

Actually, if you are sitting alone in a coffee shop, food court, etc.

reading a book, or watching something funny on your

i-Thingy and laughing out loud, 

I'm pretty sure that people will deem you a ''nutter''.

But if there were two of you looking at something,

meh, nothing weird at all.

In 1980, a movie by the title of ''The Gods Must Be Crazy'',

was released and much to the surprise of

critics, audiences world over loved it.

Synopsis: A Coca-Cola bottle dropped from an airplane

raises havoc among a tribe of peaceful African bushmen

who believe the bottle to be a utensil of the Gods.

There is very little talking through the movie,

just a lot of un-expected occurrences taking place,

occurrences that most folks regardless of nationality

 found to be hilarious.

(Including me)

Coming back to laughing with or laughing at, I find

that laughing at is very different from laughing with.

Laughing at often seem to me to be done at someone else's expense.

Laughing with on the other hand, seem to involve the sharing

with someone/others the many absurdities and inconsistencies 

that constitutes human behaviours.

What we may find ''funny'' changes as we age.

Farting is funny when you're 5 years old, embarrassing 

when your 17, uncouth when you're 35, bad form

when you're 54, but then funny again when you're 98. 

Ooopsie!!!

When I was a kid, I was made ''fun'' of for years by

others at school. 

I remember one thing in particular.

For some reason, it was cool to have a large

birthmark. During an inspection by the school nurse

we were stripped down to our underwear. The nurse would then

mark down who had what marks or freckles.

I had none. Nada, zilch, nothing.

So the ''new song'' the bullies chanted was:

''You're not even born, coz you have no mark of birth.''

Funny? Not so much.

Which is why I love much of Charlie Chaplin's

 work. Funny, without being sarcastic or demeaning.

Always infusing his comedy with intelligence,

reflection, and a meaningful message.

If in order to be funny a person feels he/she needs to

''lace'' his/her humor with sarcasm, shame, or criticism,

perhaps he/she may benefit from watching a few

Charlie Chaplin movies.........

and learn a trick or two from the Master.

''Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just

as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in

the park laughing at all the joggers.'' (coolfunnyquotes)

about painting: large canvas, acrylic....

How do we know that we really know someone?

''I wish that for once he would actually hear me. 

Let his guard down, silence his inner critic, and

just listen. 

I would love it if for once in my life

 I was able to really get to

know him, him, not as my father,

but as a fellow human being.''

The young man lets out a sigh, starts his car, throws a quick 

glance in the rear-vision mirror, then begins his

long journey home.

What do we mean when we say that we know somebody?

At what point does it change from knowing things about

somebody to knowing somebody?

As far as I can ascertain, we can know a lot of things about

a lot of people without being able to say that we know them.

Such as:

 Knowing where and when they were born, what their

educational background is, what kind of food or music

they like, etc.etc.etc.
This kind of information may help us to form a basic

understanding of who we think someone may be,

but, without a personal connection or interaction

with that someone,
is it really possible for us to say

that we truly know that someone?

If we want to move from ''knowing about'' someone

to really ''knowing'' someone,
often this necessitates an accumulation 

of shared experiences.

However, shared experiences whether physical

and or emotional in nature, do not necessarily guarantee

that a deeper bond(knowing) will be forged, but potentially, it is

fertile soil in which a personal and deep connection

can spring forth and flourish.

If we really want to know someone, I believe that

we need to forfeit our own assumptions, 

wishes, and illusions about that someone

and instead focus our attention on what is 

actually presented to us.

Come to think of it, how many of us can say 

with certainty that we even know ourselves?

In my younger and more confusing days, many of us
were familiar with the term: ''He/she's left to
go and find him/herself.''
Folks would travel the world, sail the seven seas,
live like hermits in for-ever-reaching deep forests,
brave deserts, drink peyote tea, sweat with shamans,
whirl with the whirling dervishes, hum with
Buddhist monks, submit to silence in abbeys,
and this they would do in order to try to know
the core of who they are.
Often, after long journeys, whether inward or outward,
many of us would discover that to get to know
who we were, we didn't need to travel.
What was needed was to learn how to be still
and sensitive enough to hear our own inner voices.

Getting to know someone, in my view involves
us being willing to let our guard down, to share
intimate parts of ourselves as well as being
sensitive and open-minded toward others when
 or if, they choose to share intimate parts of themselves
with us.
For some of us, to open up and share things
about ourselves which we consider to be
very private, can be quite challenging.
Scary even. But why?
Vulnerability.
Being ''open'', we run the risk of being
hurt. The person we open up to may not
reciprocate, at worst, he/she may make fun
of what we just told him/her.
This happens. It has happened to me many times.
But, if we all clam up because we are afraid of
getting hurt, how can we ever establish friendships,
or any other kind of meaningful relationships?
''Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots
with it. The new goodness that is coming to you
in the form of people, situations, and things
can only come when you are vulnerable,
that is: open.'' (Stephen Russell)

''With the world as with people, you know only

the tiny percentage you pay close attention to.''

(Steve Touthonghi)

about the image: acrylic on canvas, altered in Photoshop

Who is the bogeyman? Facing the ''Shadow''......

The bogeyman.

Exactly who he is and where he comes from seem to

be somewhat mysterious.

But, as far as I can ascertain, he is scary.

Perhaps what makes him so scary is that no one seems to

really know what he looks like, where he comes from and what

he will do to us if he catches us.

Whatever he is and wherever he comes from, folklore tells us

to get as far away as possible from him.

The Scientific American suggests that the bogeyman can be viewed

 as a metaphor for something that to us represents fear, anxiety and danger.

Although known by other names such as: Krampus, jumbie, bhoot,

Baba Yaga, etc., variations of the bogeyman can be found
in many cultures.
Regardless under what name the bogeyman is known,

often he is used as a tool for keeping children in line, for

making them follow ''the rules'',
(whatever they may be according to cultural

ideals).

Although the bogeyman is a folklore, there seem to me to be 

a number of ''bogeymen'' hiding behind quite ordinary looking

facades.(Appearances)

Pleasant and polite at work>>>a tyrant at home

 Loyal and committed in words>>>devious and sneaky in action

Jovial when sober>>>violent when drunk

Loving husband/wife/partner before others eyes>>>

an abuser behind closed doors,

just to give a few examples.

Perhaps the potential for becoming a ''bogeyman'' is possible

for most of us human beings given certain circumstances?

War, for instance, in my view, seem to qualify as such a circumstance.
Atrocities are often carried out under the banner of
fighting the enemy, protecting one's country,
serving one's country, doing one's duty,
etc.etc.
Those in the know say that when we are faced with highly
stressful and threatening circumstances, how we
 respond during such times often affect our behaviour.
At times even to a degree that we respond in ways
that during normal circumstances we would classify as
un-acceptable.
When at war, peace-time values, ethics and morals are reevaluated.
A soldier is sanctioned to murder the enemy, although it is
no longer called murder, it's called killing.
A man/woman who kills 20 people in peace-time
 is called a mass-murderer, a soldier who kills 20 people
in combat is often called a ''hero''.
Whenever there is a war of any kind, it seems to me that
this is when seemingly ordinary folks can turn into bogeymen.
Which is a worry, because when the war is over, where do
they all disappear to?

Perhaps the Bogeyman is what Carl Jung calls the Shadow?
According to Jung the shadow represents the dark side
of our personality that our consciousness doesn't want
to acknowledge.
''Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in
the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser
it is. At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag,
thwarting our most well-meant intentions.''
(Carl Jung)

Okay, if Jung is right, what can be done about
 the shadow(bogeyman within)?
A few suggestions:
Identify your shadow and what triggers it.
When it is triggered, what are your feelings?
Investigate those feelings compassionately.
Try not to confront the shadow, rather, try to
understand it.

''Name the fears that are holding you back.
It's the equivalent of flooding the bogeyman
with light.''
(Gina Greenlee)

about the image: graphite on paper, border made in pxlr

Things are not always what they seem..................

The black cab glides through the deserted city streets.

Reflections from the traffic lights intermittently cover the

rain soaked streets with a multitude of colours.

In the backseat of the cab, a silent, serious looking young man.

Every now and then the cab driver casts a furtive glance

in the rear-view mirror to check on his passenger.

He decides to try and strike up a conversation.

''Aren't you a bit young to be travelling all alone at 

this time of the night?''.

No answer.

''If I was out and about at this time of the night at your age, 

my folks would've had my hide'' the cab driver tries again.

Still no answer.

The cab driver decides to put on the radio.

''Do you like music? I like the swing bands, they really get

me going, you know, The Duke, Goodman, Basie and those cats.''

''Oh, good, the lights turned red, now I can find a good station.''

The cab stops at the lights and the cab driver fiddles with

the knobs on the radio until Benny Goodman's ''Sing, Sing, Sing''

fills the silence.

Still nothing from the passenger in the backseat.

''I tell ya, Goodman really knows how to play that clarinet, don't you think?''

The cab driver throws another glance in the rear-view mirror.

''Sheesh, that's one strange youngster, so damned serious,''

 he mutters under his breath.

Before he had left home for his night-shift, his wife had told him

to not talk too much to his passengers, but, he likes

talking to people, it makes the time pass quicker.

He throws a glance at the meter; 20 dollars.

''You sure you've got the money to pay for this ride? he asks 

his young passenger.

His eyes meets his passenger's eyes in the rear-view mirror.

''Yikes, okay, okay, I get it, you've got the money.''

''Hey, no offense, just making sure, is all."

Lorna is right, I should just zip it, he thinks to himself.

We are almost there now anyway.

Fillmore 2547, East Upper side. Two blocks away.

A few minutes later he pulls up at the Fillmore.

He turns off the meter, turns to face his passenger and then says:

 ''That will be $27.50.''

The passenger hands him a fifty dollar bill, waves his hand as

to indicate that he doesn't want the change, then exits the cab.

As the cab driver slips the bill into his wallet, he throws a quick glance

through the side window of the cab and sees the young

man holding something shiny in his right hand.

Only after the doors to the Fillmore Hotel has closed behind 

the young man, does he realize what the shiny thing is.

    A gun.

about the image: graphite on cardboard with a filter added