On social anxiety...feeling awkward

"At work, he tries to mix with his co-workers, but he feels awkward. Somehow he doesn't seem to speak the same language. They laugh at things he doesn't find funny, they speak about things he doesn't find interesting, and when he tries to interact, he fumbles with his words and often lose their attention before he has finished expressing himself."

"She makes sure that she always dresses according to the current fashion, that she wears the "right" labels, that everything about her appearance tells others how confident and self-assured she is.

Still, she feels awkward around others and far from self confident."

 

When I was a kid, being accepted into the "cool group" at school was very important and as far as I can ascertain, it still is today. But what made the cool group cool? And is it really limited to schools, or does the concept apply to many social settings?

A group of researches decided to conduct a scientific study on what being "cool" meant.

508 people of varying ages were asked to use adjectives that they connected with the word "cool" and the most commonly used terms were "confident" and "popular". Other words also used were words such as "calm" and "aloof", but they discovered that although "coolness" may be easily recognised, it was harder to define.

If we just "know" when a person is cool, does that work the other way too? We just "know" when someone is not cool?

According to Maslow's hierarchy of human needs; belonging is one of the big ones, we all want and need to belong to or with something/someone regardless of whether we are "cool" or not.

How we interact with others plays a big part in the equation of belonging, and how we interact often has a lot to do with how we view ourselves.

If we view ourselves as inferior, others will sense it, if we view ourselves as socially awkward, others will sense that too.

What are some signs of social awkwardness?

Some suggestions: We feel nervous, anxious, uncomfortable, ill at ease in a number of different social settings. We feel uncertain about how to behave "correctly", we feel unsure of what topics of conversation are acceptable. We remain silent in case we say the "wrong" thing.

Basically, when we experience social awkwardness, there is an underlying concern of being negatively judged and or evaluated by others.

However, having read up on social anxiety/awkwardness and the different definitions of the terms, I would like to change tack because there seems to me to be a glaring discrepancy in most of the definitions: it does not include the possibility that perhaps most of us experience some form or another of apprehension when dealing with different social settings.

Perhaps not all of us want lots and lots of friends, not all of us want to be social butterflies, not all of us want to be members of "this, that, or the other group" activity, some of us perhaps prefer a few close friends, a few outings now and then, and the occasional visit to a ball game, museum, gallery et cetera with a few equally minded people.

(Perhaps it may be a question of the quality of the connections we make with others rather than the quantity?)

If we feel anxious in some social settings but would like to feel more at ease, it may be helpful to ask ourselves how, and what we can change about ourselves to better and more confidently, deal with such settings. A good starting point may be to improve our communication skills.

A few suggestions: focus your attention on what is going on outside of you rather than on your own thinking > when someone speaks with you, establish eye contact,

> ask questions relating to what is being said, that way people will know that you are connecting with the conversation,

> be clear in your language, but also respectful,

> be aware and mindful of others emotions/feelings.

Become a good listener; when people feel listened to, they often feel empowered and validated.

Perhaps it may also be helpful for you to define for yourself how you consider a socially competent person to behave? (According to the research on "coolness"; people are deemed "cool" because others find them enjoyable to be with.)

Once you have established what in your view constitutes "social aptness", it may be helpful to investigate what you can do to acquire those qualities.

On the other hand, you may be "cool" with: having a few, but awesome friends, to hang out in galleries on your own, to sit with a book and read in a coffee shop, to not have 85.000 friends on Facebook, to listen rather than speak, to have a mint tea rather than a brew, to meet your friends on line rather than in a RL,  acknowledging your awkwardness in certain situations without a loss of self-esteem, .......you may even be "cool" about not being cool.....

 

“I used to feel so alone in the city. All those gazillions of people and then me, on the outside. Because how do you meet a new person? I was very stunned by this for many years. And then I realized, you just say, "Hi." They may ignore you. Or you may marry them. And that possibility is worth that one word.” (Augusten Burroughs)

When all seems lost.......invest in hope

 

At times,

often are the times,

when our minds do need some rest.

 

To find a pocket of peace,

a smidgin of quietude,

by increments removed.

 

The battle drums rattle,

the penny whistles screech,

the angst of existence

mankind besieged.

 

In far away places,

an enemy rages,

so small in size

invisible to the eye.

 

Hollow are the words,

the gestures of concern,

when icecaps are melting

and harvests burn.

 

Little the comfort

of trips to Mars

in the face of millions

sleeping beneath the stars.

 

Endless discussions

of who is right, or who is wrong,

instead of sincere attention

to how we could all get along.

 

For those who have it all,

all is never enough,

and for those who barely survive

enough is always tough.

 

In spite of all of this

and maybe even more,

there's still a great potential

for humanity to soar.

 

Inside of you, and inside of me,

inside of all humanity,

slumbers the embers;

 hope for a better destiny.

 

It begins with you,

it begins with me,

we begin with compassion,

we begin with empathy.

 (Citizen X)

Enjoying life "old school"........

Slowly the coffin was lowered into the ground. The boy watched in silence, holding back his tears the best he could.

His grand father was gone, but he had left a letter for him.

Jimmy waited until the evening, then he went into his room, closed the door, and opened the letter.

 

"Dear Jimmy, I want you to know that I have always loved you and I always will.

Since I am not going to be around as you grow up, I thought I would write down a few of my thoughts that may be of assistance to you in the future.

Yes, I am using that old Remington to write this because old does not necessarily mean no longer functioning or of any use. What is it you kids call it? Old school...

Words are words whether they are written with a pen, using a typewriter or an I-thingy so when you write something, be aware of the power of the words you use. Words are so easily misunderstood.

I guess perhaps there are many things that could be considered "old school" for instance: writing music using a real instrument instead of using a virtual one, going for a jog outdoors in nature instead of jogging on a treadmill indoors in a gym, painting a painting with brushes and paints on a canvas instead of using a graphics tablet, using an analogue camera and having the film developed instead of using a digital one with instant image reproduction, cooking a meal from scratch instead of buying take-away or ready-made, using a landline for phone calls instead of a mobile phone, and so on.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that one is better than the other, my point is: new or old school, consider both.

Although you can listen to music in digital form, consider also going to live concerts and becoming a part of the interaction between the performer and the listener, although you can view works of art on an interface, consider also going to galleries and viewing them with the naked eye, although you can read books in a digital form, consider also going to libraries and holding books in your hand, smelling the paper, and feeling the weight of the words. Although you can travel the world with the mere click of a button, consider also taking a trip to places you have never been, and although you can play many games comfortably seated in front of your computer, consider also playing games in real life situations, with real people, face to face.

I guess what I am trying to say is that "digital" experiences are possible through technology, but they are only approximations of real experiences so there is always something missing such as the high resolution and granularity (details) of real life.

Real life on the other hand, provides you with sensory experiences such as smell, touch, taste, movement, temperature, pain, balance, and emotional responses, and these things, contribute to the richness of your life.

I know how you love that computer of yours and I'm not saying to stop enjoying using it, what I am trying to say I guess, is to remind you to remember to also enjoy life "old school".

Life is so short and so very precious, so smell it, listen to it, touch it, see it, and taste it.

Love grandpa"

 

Jimmy put the letter back in its envelope and stood still. He decided that it was okay now for him to allow his tears to be set free, so he began to cry quietly.

Through the tears he could see the green light flashing on his laptop asking him if he wanted to save his game. Slowly he walked up to the laptop and closed it. Resolutely he put the letter from his grand father in his back pocket, then left his room and walked outside.

Standing on the front porch he closed his eyes, smelt the air and then listened

to the sounds of life.

How to travel while staying put........

Stop.

For a moment.

Close your eyes.

Breathe. Slowly. Deliberately.

 

Notice.

You are alive.

 

Whatever troubles you,

for a moment

put your troubles on hold.

 

Remember.

Your happy moments.

Hold them tight.

 

Listen.

To the sounds of life

all around you.

 

Visualise.

Images of beauty

visual delights.

 

Reflect.

On who you are

and what you do.

 

Imagine.

That all things

are possible.

 

Now.

Is when life

happens.

 

(Citizen X)

 

On feeling lonely.........

There are many things we may fear

but it seems pretty clear,

what we humans fear most of all

is to be alone with no one to call.

 

He

finds it hard to connect

he is far too direct,

he gets nervous, starts to sweat,

mumbles and fumbles

gets tongue-tied and mystified.

 

There must be a code

one that he doesn't get

because he is always the one

standing alone

when others are busy with their phones.

 

Deep inside he so longs

for a deeper connection,

somewhere to belong.

 

She

keeps herself busy every minute of the day;

there are clothes to wash, bills to pay.

The radio always on, even when shes gone;

she likes to come home,

to a home filled with song.

 

Her parents now long gone

her sister; a family of her own

it's just her and her little dog Shelly

her truest friend, her very best company.

 

Deep inside she so longs

for a deeper connection,

somewhere to belong.

 

No matter if young or old,

 hot or cold,

deep inside we so all long

for a deeper connection,

somewhere to belong.

 

To belong:

it begins with a smile

a kindly gesture,

a listening ear,

a willingness to share.

 

To sustain:

being there

wherever there may be;

to support, to encourage

to hold, to bear.

 

Loneliness is not selective

it does not care;

whether you are rich or whether you are poor,

how you look or what you wear.

 

But

times of loneliness;

whether pauper or laird;

something all mankind shares

so do not despair.

 

 

You are not alone.....
to an amazing, intriguing, bewildering,

astonishing, blossoming, breathtaking,

 mankind you belong.

 

(Citizen X)

 

How to become an "adaptor"......on adaptation

 

Sometimes, even though equipped with the right equipment, things go wrong and something unexpected happens.

I was told a story: "A man arrives home late in the evening. As he parks his car he notices his neighbour wandering around in circles under the streetlight. The man walks up to his neighbour and asks what he is doing. The neighbour answers that he is looking for his house key. "Are you sure this is where you lost it?" the man asks. "No," answers the neighbour, "I didn't lose it here but I can see here" answers the neighbour."

Someone once said: "Adapt or die." Others say that being able to adapt is one of mankind's most impressive features.  "The measure of intelligence is the ability to change" said Albert Einstein.

When things change unexpectedly, being able to quickly adapt can be very helpful, even though it can also be very challenging.

Adaptation basically means to modify something to suit new conditions.

Things change, circumstances change, people change, nature is constantly changing, and so on; but whether we like those changes or not, if we chose to not adapt there is a risk that those changes may get the better of us. As an example: Aging is part of the human condition and, although we may be able to slow down the effects of aging with the help of a healthy lifestyle and amazing medical advancements, the fact remains; as we age our bodies change. We can be upset about failing eyesight and/or loss of hearing, or we can adapt and buy glasses and hearing aids.

Life is not static, from birth to death there are many changes we have to adapt to, some changes we may welcome yet others we may resist. We may not be able to control the changes that occur, but we do have the option to choose how we will respond to them.

Something we may initially experience as "change", often becomes a "norm" once we have adapted to the change.

The first two years after my divorce were the worst; it seemed "change" was the norm and for me "adapt or die" was not an optional stance; rather, it was a necessity.

But adapt I did, moment by moment, day by day, and slowly my changed circumstances became my "normal" circumstances.

Adaptability perhaps for some of us, can be experienced as being at odds with our preference (and what often seems a natural instinct) for that which is known and stable, and our first response to change may be that of resistance. If I may ask, how do you respond to change, well or poorly?

How do you view change; as an opportunity, as a challenge, with an optimistic or a pessimistic outlook? Do you respond with cognitive flexibility or inflexibility?

(Cognitive flexibility refers to the mental ability to adjust thinking or attention in response to changing goals and/or environmental stimuli.)

If we are finding in hard to adapt to change, what are some common obstacles?

Some suggestions:

Denial > "it's not really that bad"

Resistance > "I've always done it this way"

Lack of understanding > "what's the big deal anyway?"

Fear of the unknown > "What if I change and it doesn't work out?"

With people who are at more at ease with change and can adapt more quickly, what are some of their strengths?

Some suggestions:

*They are able to use different thinking methods/strategies and mental frameworks

*They are able to vary their approach when dealing with their own and other's emotions

*They are able to be optimistic and realistic

How can I develop/improve my adaptability?

Some suggestions:

> Ask questions. Before making any judgements, explore and be curious

> Accept difference. Something can be different rather, than wrong or right

>Be informed. Understand the situation/circumstance/people

>Become a good learner. Learn new ways and entertain different possibilities

>View change as an opportunity

 Adaptability in my view, promotes understanding, a flexible attitude, resilience, and, as our global population grows larger and larger, it may become a life-necessity for us to become good "adaptors"....

 

“It is not the strongest or the most intelligent who will survive, but those who can best manage change.” (Charles Darwin)

“There can be no life without change, and to be afraid of what is different or unfamiliar is to be afraid of life.” (Theodore Roosevelt) 

Seeing with new eyes........

Seeing with fresh eyes.

"The real act of discovery consists not in finding new lands but in seeing with new eyes", wrote Marcel Proust.

Some suggest that our minds are "pattern making machines"; human beings have the ability to recognise and act upon patterns, no matter how small the sample. Once we know a pattern, we no longer have to consciously consider everything we do.  Learning to tie our shoe laces, learning to ride a bike, learning to swim, learning to drive a car; what initially required great conscious effort, once mastered seemingly needs little conscious effort. Apparently, just like we learn an "action-pattern", we also do so when it comes to our thought processes. (thinking patterns)

We observe, and then make our decisions based on what those patterns tell us. Thing is, our mind can be subject to a great many different kinds of errors of the conceptual and perceptual kind.

(For example: judging a book by its cover, allowing a first impression to be the only impression of someone/something, making up our minds about something because that is how our friends, families, etc... view it, and so on)

If we want to see something with fresh eyes, we have to challenge our perceptions.

We need to ask ourselves whether there are other possible ways to view/perceive something/someone.

Perhaps we have considered grey, rainy days as miserable, however, if we viewed them from the angle of the importance of rain for nature to thrive, we may view those rainy days as wonderful and life sustaining.

If we have considered animals as unintelligent and subjugated creatures, perhaps if we instead viewed them as creatures with their own unique attributes and wonderful contributions, we may find ways to treat them with more respect and care.

If we have considered people who think differently to us as mislead and ill-informed, perhaps if we instead viewed them as interesting and thought provoking, we may discover ideas and beliefs that enrich our own thinking.

If we have considered other nations traditions and cultures as primitive and substandard to our own, perhaps if we instead viewed them as different and intriguing, we may discover forms of artistic expression and communication that may compliment our own.

If we have considered poverty and unemployment as signs of weakness, perhaps if we instead viewed such as misfortune and trying circumstances, we may discover within ourselves more compassion.

If we are prepared to step out of our routines, think in new ways, adopt new ideas, walk down that road less travelled, we will have the opportunity to see things with fresh eyes.

Why not take a bus or a train to an unknown destination? You may discover something wonderful. Why not try some food you've never tasted before? You may discover something delectable.

Why not listen to some music you've never heard before? You may discover something sublime.

Why not speak to a stranger? You may find a friend.

Why not go for a walk in a park or a forest? You may find a connection with nature.

Why not turn off all electrical gadgets and light a few candles? You may find stillness of the soul.

Why not close your eyes and just listen? You may hear your own inner voice.

 

The possibility to "see with fresh eyes" begins now.

Each new moment offers an opportunity for us to view things from a new perspective.

“I used to dream about escaping my ordinary life, but my life was never ordinary. I had simply failed to notice how extraordinary it was." (Ransom Riggs)