I think I better dance now...........

As she walks up her driveway carrying bags of food

a gentle breeze ruffles her hair.

The air is crisp and she can smell autumn arriving.

She loves everything about autumn. 

The trees changing colours, the cooling breezes,

the warming glow that the sun radiates as it sets

earlier and earlier in the afternoons.

As she opens the door to her apartment she

is greeted by her cat Lucy.

With Lucy in tow she carries her bags of food

into the kitchen.

Just a minute Lucy, food is coming she says to her

cat who is already sitting neatly next to her bowl.

With Lucy feed she grabs a glass from the cupboard

and pours some white wine into it.

She takes a sip, empties a small bag of peanuts into

a bowl then walks over to the TV and turns it on.

Lucy, having finished her food jumps up on the 

couch next to her and curls into a small ball.

I probably should eat something substantial, she says 

to herself but she's not really hungry.

Surfing through the channels on the TV she

can't settle on anything. It's all too depressing

and after the day she's had today she really doesn't want

to hear any more bad news.

What's wrong with people Lucy?

Why is everyone so mean and nasty these days?

Is it really so hard to be kind and considerate?

And, and, since when is being polite a bad thing, tell

me that Lucy.

I mean, just because I'm not married and have kids

doesn't mean I matter less in the big scheme of things

does it?

I did have a plan for my life and it just didn't include

a family. Don't know why it's so hard for some

people to get that not all of us seek coupling

or to create families.

My goal was to not get married, my goal was to

fulfill my dream that I had nurtured since I was

barely five years old.

How was I to know that destiny was going to step in

and crush my dream? Suddenly she has a flashback

of the accident and she can feel her body tensing,

her heart beating furiously and tears threatening

to overcome her.

Oh, Lucy, will the pain ever go away?

As if Lucy understands her, she suddenly jumps up

and settles in her lap.

She lifts Lucy and hugs her.

I don't know why people make fun of cat lovers

Lucy, you're the best.

She gives Lucy an extra squeeze.

Lucy decides that it's time for a bit more food

and promptly jumps down off the couch and heads

 for the kitchen.

Lucy, it's time for some music.

She turns off the TV and puts a vinyl on her

record player.

She closes her eyes and lets the music wash over her.

Swaying back and forth in time with the beat

she can feel her body wanting to move.

Carefully she starts to move her legs.

It hurts. She ignores it. 

She has stepped into her time machine and 

travelled back in time to a time before the accident.

A time when both her legs worked very well indeed.

Her little apartment has become the starlit dance floor

of the Jitterbug Club.

As Benny Goodman's Sing, Sing, Sing re-energizes

and makes her feel weightless, young, and whole again,

she dances away all her pain.

''Dance is a song of the body.

Either of joy or pain.''

(Martha Graham)

about the image: charcoal and ink on brown wrapping paper

Dealing with difficult people...............

What is a difficult person?

What makes a person ''difficult''?

Is a difficult person someone who purposely sets out to be

contrary, unhelpful, and obstructive?

Someone who is bad at relating and communicating

with others?

Someone who talks but never listens, tells others

what to do but never accepts advice?

Someone who is quick to blame and criticize others but

slow to accept responsibility for their own behaviour?

Someone who is really hard to get along with?

Hmm, I wonder if not most of us at one time or another

perhaps fall into one or two of the above definitions.

Perhaps the potential for being a ''difficult person''

can be found in most humans?

To quote the Joker from Batman: ''All it takes is

one bad day to drive the sanest man(person) to lunacy.''

As the check-out girl scanned my items through I noticed

that she looked really worn out. Perhaps even sad.

Tentatively I asked her if she was okay.

-No, not really, I'm having one of those days, she answered.

I knew what she meant. 

 My kneejerk instinct was to say something comforting, something

''uplifting''. But I didn't. Instead I looked into her eyes, 

smiled and said ''I hear that''. 

She smiled back. For a split second we had an 

honest, human to human connection.

Communication, as far as I can ascertain, is a

fundamental basis for human interaction.

We do so verbally, as in intonation, pitch, volume,

 and choice of words. (Spoken or written)

Non verbally as in body language.

Those in the know suggest that although it can be

tricky to reason with difficult people there are

things we can do to better deal with difficult people.

We need to really listen because we all want to

feel heard. For progress to take place the other

person needs to feel acknowledged.

We need to stay calm.

We need to choose the words we use carefully.

A word can mean one thing to us and a totally

different thing to someone else.

We need to stay away from judging.

We don't know what the other person may be

going through. He/she may be experiencing

something really difficult.

We need to stay away from arguing or talking

on top of the other.

We need to stay true to our limits and boundaries.

 

I tried to find out if being a ''difficult'' person perhaps

is a conscious choice made at some point in time,

 but no matter how I swapped the words

around, I could not find a definitive answer. 

I mean, there was a time when the word ''difficult'' was used

for what we today call ''mental health issues''.

For example, he/she is a difficult child > may today be: he/she

is on the autism spectrum/ADHD/Aspergic AD/Oppositional

Defiant Disorder ODD/Conduct Disorder CD, etc. etc.

Not too mention how many different Mental Health Issues

that perhaps could be included under the heading of difficult adults.

Though I haven't found a definitive answer to if

people choose to be difficult, I have found that

it's seldom a good idea to try to change a person 

we consider to be difficult.

A far better and helpful method is to try and understand

where he/she is coming from and a good first step

is to listen.

''The beginning of a deeper understanding usually

begins with listening.''

(Citizen Z)

A radical idea.......

At the moment I am reading a book titled ''Humankind: A

hopeful history'' by Rutger Bergman.

''So what is this radical idea? That most people, deep

down, are pretty decent.'' He writes.

Hmm. Really?

He also writes: ''It's when crisis hits - when the bombs

fall or the floodwaters rise - that we humans become our

best selves.''

Is this author for real? By now I am starting to wonder if

I really want to continue reading the book.

I mean, is there not enough evidence for the absolute opposite?

Is it not when we are put under tremendous pressure

that we start barricading ourselves in and view everyone

that is not one of ''us'' as highly suspicious and

potentially serious enemies?

According to the author Rutger Bergman, this is not really

so, but we are trained to see selfishness everywhere,

and so we do. He suggests that we are highly influenced by

''information bias''. News, for instance, seldom has leading 

headlines beginning with: ''Good News everybody!"

Why not? Probably because the news is about the exceptional:

 disasters, uprisings, terrorist attacks, murders, wars, famines,

and all that other ''exceptional'' stuff.

In my experience, the more time I spend wading through

different news outlets/sites the more down heartened I

seem to become.

 Slowly and stealthily compassion fatigue sets in and before

long what little hope and ''can-do-attitude'' I may have

possessed gives in to cynicism and ''what's the point anyways?''

Seems to me that the News is like scratching a scab; it's

itchy so I scratch it, but when I do, the wound opens up

again and the pain comes back.

However, some time ago I found a story that I use to remind

myself that ''deep down, most people are pretty decent.''

During the Blitz in London during the second World War,

St. Paul's Cathedral somehow managed to survive.

One of the caretakers of the Cathedral remembers how

he and other caretakers used to do all they could to protect

it. 

Risking their own lives they would extinguish fires,

build supports, sandbag where ever sandbagging was needed,

tape up/cover with boards and planks precious

 stained glass windows, store away irreplaceable antiquities,

artefacts, books, hymnals, etc. etc.

Night after night, day after day, working side by side

men and women, youth and children cared for their

city under siege. Seeking refuge in bomb shelters,

in subway tunnels, they shared whatever little food, tea,

 coffee, blankets, clothing, rations, etc. etc. they had with each other.

''Keep calm and carry on'', we fight our enemy together 

their motto.

The tremendous threat upon the survival of the British people 

during the WW II has left a legacy of numerous

true stories of people behaving very decently toward

each other. 

Two aliens watch Earth from their planet.

''Look at those Earthlings how they keep fighting

and destroying each other,'' says one Alien to another.

''Yes, I know. But the minute they think that we are

about to attack them they somehow manage to

join together as One. What's up with that?'' responds the other

Alien.

''I don't know. Why don't they just stop their fighting since

they obviously know how to?''

So, why don't we?

''Human nature is complex.

Even if we do have inclinations toward violence,

we also have inclinations toward empathy,

to cooperation, to self control.''

(Steven Pinker)

Perhaps it is time for us join Rutger Bergman and

adopt his radical idea that ''deep down people

are pretty decent.''

''Comprehensive research on human behaviour

suggests that we're instinctively cooperative

and willing to act out the good of our

social groups,'' reports The Scientific American.

Or: ''We initially feel compelled in a situation to

put others before ourselves.''

Although it may be true that human nature

has a number of flaws, (and just how many there are

will be evident if you google quotes on it)

I have to note that reading Rutger Bergman's book

 ''Human kind, a hopeful history'' in which he suggests

that we toss out the ''cynic'' in exchange for a more

brave and positive stance of viewing people 

in general as pretty decent......... makes me feel a 

whole lot better and far more hopeful for the future.

about the images: Top>Boy with the Golden Heart

Edited version of original acrylic on canvas 

Middle> St. Paul's Cathedral, acrylic

on large canvas from a photo take during the Blitz

Bottom> Teddy talks.....watercolor/ink on paper

Dealing with loss...........

People talk about closure and in theory, I guess

it sounds okay.

Question remains however, how does one do it?

Get closure, I mean.

The above image is an edited image of someone

who was my closest friend for many years.

His name was Anders, but to me,

he was the man with the golden locks,

the ruby lips, and the bestest jazz guitarist.

While I was in the USA doing the gig of my life,

(music)my best friend drove his car off the road

and up a huge tree and died instantly.

He had just turn 40 years old and for 20 of

those years he had been my best friend.

I, however, did not know about his death until the day

I returned back to Australia from the USA.

When I came back, not only had he already been buried

 but he had been buried in Sweden, not Australia.

Where was I to go and say ''goodbye''?

I was at a loss as what to do with my sorrow.

So I pushed it as far down into the recesses of

my soul as I could and threw myself into music.

Now, in hindsight I have come to understand that I

actually never really dealt with the loss of my friend.

What I did do, was trying to comfort his wife and children, his

friends, and our fellow musicians who had started to call me

the minute I returned to Australia.

Subconsciously perhaps I was ''dealing'' with my own pain

by trying to help others deal with theirs?

I don't know. Perhaps.

We were all missing our friend.

Years later I had the opportunity to visit the place where

he was buried in Stockholm, so I took the opportunity to do so.

Standing in a cemetery and reading his name on a gravestone

was so strange. It just didn't seem real. He was still so very real

and alive in me.

Walking the streets of Stockholm the day after my visit to 

the cemetery I found myself standing at the door of the Jazz

club where we both used to work.

Suddenly memories from our time working in the bar together

 hit me like a wall of water and I felt as if I was

about to drown.

I needed to scream. 

Putting my cupped hands over my mouth,

I finally allowed some of my anger, my sadness,

and my heartache to be released through a

guttural roar.

Returning to Australia after my visit to Sweden,

I discovered that the sadness of losing Anders often 

tended to show up as anger.

I didn't like feeling angry so in desperation

one day I grabbed a carton of eggs from the fridge,

walked out the backdoor of the house and up to the 

nearest large tree.

While yelling at the top of my lungs I launched

one egg at the time.

-I hate that you're dead! I hate that I can't see you anymore!

I hate that you drove off the road! I'm angry with you!!! etc. etc.

Strangely, although it took over a dozen eggs and a

number of times repeating the procedure,

every time I did it, it made me feel better.

Since Anders died, I have lost far too many more

artist/musician friends.

Which brings me back to closure.

-You need closure so that you can move on, is

a very common thing that we say to each other.

Another one is: just let it go.

Personally I've never found neither one of those sayings

particularly helpful, so if you don't mind, I would

like to offer you my version.

I view my friends that have passed on as just

physically unavailable because they are still very

available to me in my memories.

Anytime I want to spend some time with them, I close 

me eyes and bring forth a memory of a time that

I spent with them.

(And in some cases, I just listen to one of the recordings

I'm lucky enough to have made with some of them.)

The essence, the core of us, in my view is not limited 

to or by physics. 

Lucky for us we come equipped with the ability

to revisit experiences and people in our minds

whenever we choose to do so.

Perhaps closure is not so much ''moving on''

or ''letting go'', rather, more so perhaps about

taking our memories of people no

longer with us and ''weaving'' them into

the narrative of our lives.

about the image: a photo edited in Elements

There is no Them. There are only facets of Us.

For the last two weeks I have been battling with a

very persistent cold of some sort.

On top of constantly blowing my nose, coughing

up my lungs, not sleeping and barely eating,

this particular variety of cold also includes

some sort of ''brain fog''.

For me this means that my thinking is all over

the place so if this blog seems a bit fuzzy at times,

you'll know why.

Looking for something interesting to watch last night

I landed on a show called Four Corners.

This particular episode of the show was about women

in Afghanistan and how their lives have changed since

the Taliban took over the government.

I am fortunate enough to never having experienced what

it is like to live in a country where your existence can

be extinguished, erased at any moment and for in

my view the most absurd of reasons.

In Afghanistan just being a woman is living with

the knowledge that any man at any time can rape you,

taser you, physically and or verbally torture you,

throw you in jail, without the

perpetrator ever being held accountable.

Sisters, daughters, mothers, friends go ''missing''

every day never to be found again.

And yet, some of them bravely manage to raise

their voices in protest whether it be online, in

print, on radio, or marching down the streets.

When interviewed, one woman said: ''I have

still a little hope, a little light, that things can change

and get better here, but if it doesn't, there will

be only darkness, and if there is only darkness I will

find myself a dark place and just dissipate.''

Heartbreaking words from a woman 

barely 20 years old.

Meanwhile, in another country far, far away,

another 20 year old woman (''Karen"), hurls

abuse at a male waiter for disrespecting her

''rights'' while streaming the altercation online

for her followers.

One thing we all have in common is that we are

human beings.

And as such we have common needs:

Physiological (food/clothing etc.)

Safety (a safe place to stay)

Love and Belonging (friends/lovers/family)

Esteem (positive regard)

Self-actualization (fulfillment)

After watching the doco from Afghanistan

I pondered if perhaps us humans are incapable of

overcoming the ''warring spirit'' that seem to

inhabit us.

I also pondered if no matter what term we use to define

 ourselves by,

we don't seem to be able escape this ''us and them''

problem that sets us up against each other

resulting in never ending conflicts and suffering.

Perhaps it comes down to this:

''Even if I cannot stop others from hurting others,

I can stop me from doing so.''

 (Citizen Z)

''There is no Them. There are only facets of Us.''

(John Green)

about the image: Three different paintings painted on canvas

with acrylics.

Leaking emotions..........

-I don't know how to explain it other than to say that I feel

like I'm ''leaking'', she said.

-Leaking? How so? I asked.

-It feels as if no matter how much I try to keep my

emotions all locked up, they are somehow still slowly

leaking out of me.

-Why do you have to keep your emotions all locked up?

Why can't you express them?

-Oh, no, that won't do. Expressing my emotions will

make me weak.

-Weak? 

-Yes, only weak people express their emotions.

-What makes you think that only weak people

express their emotions?

-That's just how it is. Well, that's what I was taught anyways.

-So, if you were feeling hurt, you had to pretend that you weren't?

-Oh, yes. 

-What about when you were feeling angry, upset, or annoyed?

-Usually if I showed any of those feelings I would be sent

to my room and told to stay there until I had calmed down. 

-Didn't that make you feel even more angry?

-Sometimes, but I learned how to swallow it all. Although,

there were times when I would scream into my pillow just to

 get it out.

-What would you do if you were really sad?

-The same, cry into my pillow. 

-So, if you were not allowed to show your feelings, what

about your parents? They never showed their feelings either?

-My father, not so much. Although, when it came to things

not doing what he wanted them to do he could really

blow a gasket. People, on the other hand, he seemed to have

 more patience with.

-What about your mother?

- I have seen her get very emotional at times.

-How would she deal with her emotions?

-I think that maybe she was brought up to ''put on

a happy face'' whatever she was feeling.

-Is that what you are trying to do? I mean, something

like that. Like hiding or subduing your feelings?

-Although I've never been told this in words, deep down

inside of me there's a voice telling me to ''keep calm

and carry on'' no matter what I'm feeling. 

To be strong, to not let feelings overcome me, rather,

.......overcome them by being pragmatic.

-What's different now then? Why do you now feel as if

you're ''leaking''?

-I don't know. 

-Let me ask you this. Do you still really think that

expressing your emotions is a sign of weakness?

What if you are leaking because the time has come

for you to start expressing your true feelings?

If not to others at least to yourself.

-But if I do that, will not others view me as weak?

-Well, some may but some may not.

Going through something really traumatic in my early

20's I was faced with a dilemma similar to yours.

Lucky for me however, someone said something to me that

changed my life: ''It takes strength to accept and

own one's weaknesses.''

Feelings, are not signs of weaknesses, rather, they 

assist us in identifying issues we need to deal with.

Pretending that we don't feel what we are feeling

will not make them go away. Doing so often just

intensifies them.

Acknowledging what we feel is important, 

identifying what kind of feelings they are is

also important, and so is expressing them in

a non-threatening and conducive way.

-Like how?

-Beginning our sentences with ''I feel angry/sad/upset/confused

etc. etc. when............'' instead of ''you make me......''

-I see, so to stop the ''leaking'' I need to

identify what I am leaking and why?

-I think that would be a very good starting point.

-Okay then. As I'm feeling parched, can we have that coffee

now, please?

Feeling in dire need for a strong coffee myself,

off we went to the nearest café.

''When we deny our emotion, it owns us.

When we own our emotion, we can rebuild and

find our way through [the pain] it.''

(Brenè Brown)

about the painting: plastic mask glued to large 

canvas, painted with acrylics, some Elements editing

Title: Help! I'm leaking.

What's the point of life?

-What's the point? he said.

-What do you mean? I asked.

-I mean, what is the point really? From the second we 

draw our first breath, the process of us dying begins.

Darn, that's a chilling statement methinks.

Although, also true.

However, true as it may be,

between drawing our first breath and exhaling our last,

a lot of life and living happens.

I've pondered the question: ''What's the point of life?''

many, many times.

What I have discovered is that perhaps: the point of life

is to find it. (the point)

But,

perhaps there is no objective, singular, immutable, irrefutable,

point that drives us all.

Perhaps there as many different ''points'' swirling about

as there are human beings.

(''Points'', as far as I can ascertain, are highly individualized.)

What if life and living is a continuous flailing about

collecting, exchanging, finding and fulfilling different ''points''?

For some of us it may be important to know what

specific ''points'' are important to us.

As for instance: It's important for me to be happy, to do

well in life, to be healthy, to be a good person, to believe in

something bigger than myself, to care about others, to

care about the planet, etc. etc. etc.....

Knowing what is important to us can provide us with a sense

of purpose, a direction, a sense of ''control'' 

and perhaps even a feeling that there is a ''higher'' meaning

to our lives.

Though it is true that from the second we 

draw our first breath, the process of us dying begins.

It is also true that from the second we draw our

first breath, the process of life and living begins.

What is the point of life?

To live every moment of it.

As every single human being has a point of beginning

and a point of ending,

 thus,

 what we do and how we live our lives 

between the beginning and the end,

is ultimately, 

(in my view,)

 what really matters.

''The mystery of human existence

lies not just in staying alive,

but in finding something to live for.''

(Fyodor Dostoyevsky)

about the image: Acrylic on wood board

''Light equals life''