On the impermanence of life...do what you need to do...Now

Two days ago my son and I lost a dear friend. It wasn't unexpected, our friend had been fighting the good fight for many hard years....yet....it still hurts.

As much as we may try to prepare ourselves for loss; people, jobs, pets, children, etc. etc., I still can't help but wonder if it is at all possible, or if it is even a good idea, to try to prepare ourselves for the potential loss of someone or something that is important, dear, to us.

When we buy fresh flowers, we do so even though we know that eventually the flowers will whither and die. Why? Because while they are still alive they bring us joy. Why bother with listening to music? Eventually the music will end. Because while listening to the music it brings us joy. Why spending hours cooking a delicious meal? It only ends up in the stomach regardless. Because while eating it, it brings us joy. Why bothering with investing time and effort into doing things that has no monetary reward attached to the efforts? Because while investing time and effort into doing things we enjoy, we experience a sense of joy.

A painting, such as the above, is often called a "still life" painting, and my guess is that most "still life" paintings are paintings of inanimate objects. I personally really love the term "still life" because for many of us life often includes moments when life is the very opposite: turbulent, violent, chaotic, fractious, complicated, stormy, noisy, and very animated.

When we go through such times it can be difficult to find even the smallest measure of inner stillness from which we can draw strength and a spirit of resolve to weather the difficulties we are faced with.

It seems to be the case, that at times before we have even had the time to process one turbulent and emotionally draining event, here comes the next one...... We fumble, we stumble, we search for words to soothe and explain, we seek advice, we seek reasonable answers, we long for a safe harbor into which we can withdraw (if even just for a few minutes) in order to be able to find some stillness and calm. 

Being alive it seems, is risky business fraught with hurdles, obstacles, hoops to jump through, mountains to climb, stormy seas to conquer, deserts to endure, and "monsters" of many a kind to do battle with. And yet, considering the ability of a single blade of grass to be able to grow through a thick layer of asphalt, I can't help but be amazed at the strength of the life force in that blade of grass. 

Or the life force in a crack baby who is born an addict yet manages to cling to life and overcome terrifying withdrawals and other life threatening side effects, or the life force in plants of many different kinds managing to grow and flourish in impossible places, or the life force driving tiny little turtles to valiantly struggle their way to the ocean in spite of a number of predators just waiting to devour them.

When we lose someone or something that is of great importance to us, this often has a tendency to make us think, evaluate, and take stock of what we consider to matter the most to us in life.

Suddenly the impermanence and transitory nature/aspect of life/living becomes very real.

We are reminded that we too one day will become "stardust", as my son puts it.

This reminder of the impermanence of life, although difficult to come to grips with for some of us and often quite painful, can actually also be quite helpful.

"Don't put off until tomorrow those things you know you need to do today."

If you need to find some inner stillness, go find some...now

If you need a safe harbor, go find one.......now

If you need to say sorry to someone, do it....now

If you need to tell someone you care about them, do it.....now

If you need to forgive someone, do it....now

If you need to spend more time with someone, make a date.....now

If you have something to say to someone, do it....now

The NOW is all that we have.

"Nothing in the world is permanent, and we are foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we're still more foolish not to delight in it while we have it."

(W. Somerset Maugham)

Letting go of regrets.........

A man stands at the waters edge watching the waves roll in as the sun is slowly setting.

His heart is heavy, his demeanor solemn, and his body language oozing defeat.

Although he is surrounded by beauty; a scintillating clear blue ocean, palm trees gently dancing in rhythm with the wind, and the air filled with the sound of birds singing, ......he however remains un-affected and un-connected regardless of how hard nature tries to entice him into a dialogue.

And he remains so because regrets have ceased his heart, mind, and soul to such an extent that he has become oblivious to life and living as it unfolds in the present.

Regrets. Many of us have them. 

Psychology tells us that "regret is a negative cognitive/emotional state that involves blaming ourselves  (and here I would like to add my own bit:) and or others for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss and sorrow over what might have been or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made."

The thing is however, we can't undo choices we made in the past no matter how much we ruminate,

because whether we like it or not, self-blame and or other-blame, and wishful thinking, cannot change one single thing in our past. (I would hazard a guess that although we may know this to be true, most of us probably still go through times when we "sink" into bouts of regret.)

When we speculate about how things could have been "if we had only.....",  more often than not we forget to take into account that even if we had acted/behaved differently, there is no way of knowing for sure that the outcome would have been "better", only that it would have been different.

During my last year of music studies, I was offered a number of wonderful and potentially amazing opportunities to further my career in music, but I turned them all down because all I wanted to do was to become a jazz pianist/composer. My friends told me that I was crazy to turn down such opportunities and although I at times have speculated as to what I may have "missed out on", I have never regretted my decision to pursue (and eventually fulfilling) my dream of becoming a jazz musician/composer.

Regrets belong to the past, but life, happens in the now, and it is in the now that we have the opportunity to make choices that have outcomes that are congruous with our core values.

Hot temper, a short fuse, jealousy, frustration, anger and other intense emotions can at times affect our behaviour in such ways that we may find ourselves acting and or behaving without thinking or considering the outcomes of our actions, and only when the "storm" has blown over are we able to see the "fall-out". We are then faced with either taking ownership and responsibility for our behaviour, or not....some of us may prefer to engage in the "blame game" = blaming others for our behaviour. "He/she/they made me so angry, frustrated, jealous, etc.etc. and that's why I behaved the way I did."

Or, we pretend that nothing happened....and push our feelings into our bag of "deal with later issues".

The thing with "later" however, is that sometimes "later" may be too late.

If we said or did something in the heat of a moment that we later feel bad about, we can chose to apologize and ask for forgiveness, because doing so often tend to ease feelings of guilt and regret.

When my son was born I decided that I would always apologize if I lost my temper with him, or if I judged his actions without first letting him explain, or if I was not paying proper attention to his needs. You guessed it, I have had to apologize many, many, times.......but you know what.....and this is fantastic.....my son does the same. 

The longer we put off apologizing when we say or do hurtful things, the harder it seems to become to

do it, so in my view, apologizing as soon as we know that we have hurt someone, intentionally or not, the less will be the regrets that we carry inside of us.

Sometimes, on the other hand, the person we may need to forgive in order to get past a regret may be ourselves. Hindsight is 20/20 vision, so they say, and at times we make choices and decisions that as time passes may prove not to have been the "best" ones, but if we own the choices we have made or make, and learn from them (even-though they were not the best ones), then we have gained valuable insight for future choice and decision making. 

Regrets, like all emotions, have a function for survival, so say those in the know. Regret, is our brain telling us to take another look at the choices we make by reminding us of the potential negative and or undesired consequences that may follow. Whatever regrets we may have, it can be helpful to write them down and sort them by deciding which of them we can do something about to set right, and which ones we may not be able to affect any change to. 

If nothing can be done, try to let go, forgive yourself, embrace the lesson and move forward.

"We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future."

(Steve Maraboli)

Making sense is easy....or not.

Mark Rothko, is an American painter who is mostly known for his "colour field" paintings. Colour field paintings are usually painted on very large canvases as in 4x4 meters for instance, they are not figurative, as in they are not depicting a recognizable "something", and when Mark Rothko was asked: "What do you paint?" He answered: "I paint emotions".

Some of us may view a Mark Rothko painting and think "anybody could paint this, what's the big deal?" but for some of us, (this includes me) his paintings instantly connects with us on an emotional level, and for some of us, his paintings even manages to touch a part of us we may not even have a word for.

(The above painting is of course not a painting made by Mark Rothko. I decided to experiment with the possibility of making a colour field painting with inks and acrylics on water colour paper, and this is the the result of that experiment.)

For many of us, making sense of what we experience, is often important so that when we are faced with something such as a painting, a situation, a behaviour, etc. that seems to make no sense, instinctively our brains begin to seek for "reasonable" (in our view) explanations.

Brain: "what is this painting about? I don't get it, its just some paint on a canvas, there doesn't even seem to be any skill involved, is there even a meaning to it, and if so, how am I supposed to figure that out? Nah, this painting makes no sense."

"Divorce??What? She never said anything, why didn't she say something? This doesn't make any sense, it's not like her at all."

"Why am I always the one to pick up the pieces? There are others that are much better at this than me, I just can't make sense out of why I am always the chosen one."

I have a feeling that at some point in our lives most of us have asked: "Why is this happening to me, why me, what did I do to deserve this? It makes no sense."

In these enlightened and technologically whiz-bang days, in my view, we have grown accustomed to being able to find what we may consider reasonable explanations and answers to many complex and bewildering questions so when we are faced with: "sometimes things just don't make sense" this is an answer that can be very hard for us to digest.

When we say: "This makes no sense"... are we saying: "I don't understand this" or "this has no meaning"?

Or when we are saying "this makes no sense" are we perhaps saying "I don't understand this therefore it makes no sense to me and so I see no meaning in it?"

What we consider to "make sense" in my view has a lot to do with our personal experiences and how we interpret those experiences, our cultural backgrounds, our belief systems, and our upbringing.

"I always check that all my doors and windows are locked before I go to bed because once when I forgot to do so, someone broke in and stole some of my things, so for me, it makes sense to always check that everything is locked up at night." "I was involved in a whirlwind romance once which ended just as quickly as it began, so it makes sense for me to not rush into relationships because that way I can  avoid unnecessary heart ache." "I am not interested in art so therefore it makes no sense for me to go to concerts or galleries."

For someone who loves the outdoors, sitting inside and reading a book on a bright sunny day probably makes little/no sense. For someone who loves socializing, staying at home and spending "alone-time" probably makes little/no sense. For someone who prefers to keep their cards close to their chest, sharing their inner thoughts and feelings with someone probably makes little/no sense.

And vice versa.

What we consider to "make sense" it seems to me, is more often than not, coloured by subjectivity and the depth of our understanding of the world we live in and its inhabitants.

By expanding our understanding, we gain insight, and by gaining insight what we may have previously have considered as making no sense, can begin to make sense.

Mark Rothko: "A painting is not a picture of an experience, but is the experience."

"The most interesting painting is one that expresses more of what one thinks then of what one sees."

"A picture lives by companionship, expanding and quickening in the eyes of the sensitive observer."

The importance of touch.......

Some of us are more relaxed about physical contact than others. For some of us a hug, a gentle tap on the shoulder, or a quick embrace comes easy and feels like a natural thing to do when we see someone who seem to be experiencing some form of distress. Some of us on the other hand, may have complicated and confusing emotions when it comes to expressing compassion and or care through physical contact.

In my experience, there are times in life when words just aren't enough when it comes to comforting someone in distress, no matter how sincere and heartfelt the words.

Sometimes we just need to be "touched". And when I say touched, I mean touched not in a manipulative or calculating way, but in a "I am here with you to help you through this" kind of way.

Don't tell me everything's gonna be okay,

 things will get better, tomorrow's another day.

Coz as true as those words may probably be

would you mind very much just holding me?

Don't tell me you know just what I feel,

or that broken hearts, they always heal.

Coz as true as those words may probably be

would you mind very much just holding me?

Don't tell me to forget bad days gone by,

though such advice is worth a try.

Coz as true as those words may probably be

would you mind very much just holding me?

Don't tell me my experience is not unique,

many hearts are broken every day every week.

Coz as true as those words may probably be

would you mind very much just holding me?

I know you mean well with what you say

you're trying to help me get thru the day.

As true as your words may probably be

would you mind very much just holding me?

(Citizen Z)

"Sometimes I think that a moment of touching may be the difference between utter despair and the ability to carry on."

(Eleanor Cameron)

Courage and bravery can be learned........

(Just in case you are wondering what on earth this image is supposed to be; (but please feel free to have your own interpretation)..... this is the view from under a Dandelion before its seeds have flown.)

Bravery, is often referred to as an admirable quality in a person in most or perhaps even in all, cultures. What a person has to do in order to be considered a brave person however, in my view probably involves a number of variables.

As is often the case with many words, our definitions of words are commonly influenced by our own experiences, belief-systems and biases, so let me offer a few definitions for bravery: courage, valor, being able to show mental and or moral strength in the face of danger.

For me, bravery means staring straight into the center of something one is scared off, (whatever that may be), but instead of trying to avoid it, walk around it, under it, over it, or ignore it......one "walks" right at it.

Tomorrow, I will have to do just that when I go to see my doctor...... because finally my biopsy results have come back. Until I have actually been given the results, like Schrodingers cat experiment; the results are neither bad nor good, they are both.....(I am thinking however, that if they were really bad, they would probably have contacted me by now, so regardless of not knowing, I can still chose to be optimistic.)

Such is not the case for someone my son and I have known for years. Our friend has battled with cancers of varying kinds for many, many years, and now, other life threatening medical issues have popped up. The way he has coped, and still copes with all his health battles, as well as life's curve balls, is for me the very epitome of a behaviour that constitutes being a "brave" person.

Nelson Mandela: "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man (woman) is not he (she) who does not feel afraid, but he (she) who conquers that fear."

Most of us will at times face things, events, people, etc. that evoke fear in us and we will have to decide how to deal with it. There are options: denial, put it on hold, avoid, put it in the "too hard" basket, minimize the size of the issue, and so on,... or face it; investigate options on how to deal with it, seek assistance and guidance from a professional, talk over the problem/issue(s) with a friend or family member, etc.etc.

"Feel the fear and do it anyway" suggests Susan Jeffers. Well, at times this can be quite difficult, although when it comes to dealing with fears that interferes and cripples our quality of life, it is probably good/useful advice. A little analogy: Learning to drive a car (manual) can at first be quite scary for some of us, but if we want the freedom of movement that being able to drive a car offers us, we have to face our fears one by one, and then with practice....  driving suddenly seem to have become almost second nature. 

Most of us experience anxiousness to some degree when we learn or deal with new things/experiences/events/people, but the good news is that more often than not, each time we overcome that anxiousness and forge ahead, a sense of achievement and empowerment follows.

Is it possible that perhaps with "practice" we can become "braver" human beings? 

In my view, the answer is Yes.

"Lifehacker" has this to say: 

                                            1. Be terrified of something

                                            2. Do it anyway

                         3. Be moderately less scared than when you do it the first time

                                            4. Repeat

Another alternative:           1. Be terrified of something

                                           2. Do nothing

                                           3. Still be terrified

There may be much we have little power to change, but one thing we DO have the power to change is our attitude, how we chose to view things, and how we chose to respond to events and experiences in our lives.

About the image: A little colour added to our lives can make a big difference

Beauty resides in the mind........

Flicking through channels on the box (foxtel), suddenly one after the other grotesque image of faces distorted by plastic surgery filled the screen.

(It looked painful, so painful that I could almost feel the pain.)

Pictures of before and after surgery were placed next to each other, followed by interviews with the "patients" who tearfully spoke of how the surgery had "destroyed" their lives.

I know very little about plastic surgery, but I know that in some cases plastic surgery is performed due to patients suffering with severe burns, dis-figuration caused by an accident or a physical altercation, and or other medical issues, and so on. But, such was not the premise for the program that I was watching, the premise for the program (as I understood it) was to tell a story about "patients" who had undergone plastic surgery, not due to a medical issue, but because they were not happy with the way they looked.

Their lips were too thin, their jawline too weak, their ears too big, their nose too big, too small, too crooked, too straight, too bulbous, their eyebrows not thick enough or too thick, their cheekbones too protruding or not defined enough, their skin too wrinkly, their crows-feet too pronounced, their eyelids too heavy, and etc.etc.

 These patients, as I understood it, were motivated to have plastic surgery much due to an underlying belief that "good-looking" = happiness, better opportunities, a better life.

Whether it is true/correct that good looks ensures happiness and a better life I am not so sure of, but what I am sure of and know to be true (judging by statistics) is that the pursuit of "good looks" is a mega dollar industry. 

Roger Moore, who played James Bond in many films, was once asked if he considered himself good looking to which he answered: "Good looking? I don't know about that, but I guess I do have rather symmetrical features."

Bombarded as we are in most western societies by image after image defining for us how we have to look in order to be described as good looking/attractive/beautiful, I am not surprised that so many of us feel/think that we just don't measure up. Hook, line and sinker, we swallow the bait and rather than bristle and defiantly question the definition served up to us, many of carry with us the feeling that we just don't measure up in the "beauty/good looking" department. 

A little analogy: "A house may look beautiful on the outside, but unless there is some light and furniture inside of it, the exterior beauty is not enough to make the house a home."

An oyster may be "ugly" on the outside but within, it holds a precious pearl.

I once worked in a band with a guy who was very good looking, women used to chase after him, give him their phone numbers and proposition him virtually every time we did a gig. I assumed he loved all the attention....until one night when for whatever reason he decided to talk to me about it. 

Much to my surprise he told me that "it was fun in the beginning, but not anymore." "I feel cheap, men can feel cheap too after too many one-night-stands. The women who proposition me, they don't want to know me, they just see a good looking guy on a stage and being with me is not about me, it's about how they feel about themselves having been with me, a musician. I am just a feather in the cap."

According to him, his good looks was more of a deterrent to finding love rather than the opposite.

Whoever said : "Perception is everything",  in my view offers a great insight.

Stephen Hawking, regardless of his physical limitations, to many of us may still seem "beautiful", Joseph Merrick, aka the Elephant man, to those who knew him, was considered a "beautiful" person regardless of his deformed body, as they say: "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder."

Our ideals for what we mean with good-looking/attractive/beautiful varies: factors such as tradition, culture, peer pressure, media, exposure, etc.etc. plays a big role in influencing our perceptions. 

Even so, in my experience, once we get to really know somebody and enjoy being with them, our perceptions often change. As we get to love and cherish somebody, looks matter less and less, and who they are as human beings matter more and more. 

Come to think of it, I think this extends to most living creatures. The flea bitten mutt, the scrawny tabby, the turtle with only three legs, the horse with a limp, the black sheep....they are all worthy of being loved. And so are you, whether your lips are too thin (in your view), your butt too big, your nose too crooked, your ears too narrow, etc.etc.

A good looking person can have a mean personality, a beautiful runway model a haughty temperament,

a handsome movie star a cold heart, etc.etc.

Whether we consider ourselves handsome, good looking or visually pleasing, in my view is in the long run less important than whether we consider ourselves as "good" people, because like it or not,

beauty is fleeting but a beautiful soul and mind, and a compassionate disposition lingers even after we have ceased to do so.

Go on, embrace yourself....warts and all.....and others will too.

"Beauty is not in the face; it is a light in the heart."

(Kahil Gibran)

about the painting: a "perfect" face is not about measurements, it is about .......

How our associations to words influence us..........

According to some research, some words are more "powerful" than others and two of the most powerful words are "love" and "peace". How exactly this may be measured, I don't really know, but what I do know, is that I would like to add a word, and that word is "hospital".

Most of us begin our lives in a hospital, and for many of us, this is also where our life-journey's end.

Right now, I am sitting in a Starbucks in a large Hospital, sipping coffee and trying to chew my way through an awful wrap which seem to consist of mainly mushy pumpkin, some other indistinguishable veggis, and a whole lot of un-digestible pumpkin seeds.

My son has been called to the hospital to have yet another fMRI, a procedure which usually takes about one hour or so, so it's up to me to find something to do to pass the time.

I decide to buy a cheap notebook and get a head start on my next blog post. After staring at the blank page for ages, it suddenly dawns on me to write about hospitals, after all, I have spent many, many, long hours in hospitals since I was very young.

For some of us, the word hospital may invoke all sorts of anxieties, flashbacks, scary or happy memories, joyful or sorrowful events, etc.etc., but for others, the word may just be one of many ordinary words. In my case, the word hospital often brings associations with both fear and comfort and emotions ranging from despair to relief, so I guess perhaps I could say that the word in my case, comes with "attachments".

Pondering these attachments I suddenly have a flashback: I am 12 years old and on the other side of a hospital door with a glass window in it, stands my brother. We are not allowed to touch due to the risk of infection, so we put our hands against the glass, look at each other silently, while our hearts whisper I love you. That was the last time I saw him, not much later he died in the hospital. He was 14 years old. 

Somebody suddenly shouts: double shot latte, skim milk! and in an instant I am transported back to the here and now. Although I have only had a few bites of the wrap, I decide to throw it away. 

I still have some coffee left, so I return to my seat after I have thrown away the wrap and then proceed to do my best to swallow all the emotions that the flashback has stirred up. 

This proves impossible. One after the other of flashbacks from times when I have found myself in a hospital waiting room hijacks my mind. The birth of my son, my son's first life threatening asthma attack at 13 months old, followed on by the 2nd attack, 3rd, 4th, and so on....not until in his mid teenage years did it slow down. Hospital, when my son constantly had to be hospitalized, was a word of comfort, a word signifying hope and survival. And then......the turbulence of finding his own way in the world began. "This is doctor Smith, from the ABC hospital, do you have a son by the name of...xyz? He needs emergency surgery and we need your consent..." I threw myself in the car and drove to the hospital with reckless abandon and eventually found myself once again in a waiting room, anxious, scared, yet also comforted by my trust in the surgeon at the hospital to be able to see my son through. Okay, I need to stop these flashbacks and their attachments now, I still have another 25 minutes to wait and I want to be calm and collected when my son has finished his fMRI.

I decide to clock up some steps on my "stepping-gadget" by walking up and down the corridors at the hospital. I toss the empty coffee container in the trash and take off.

That was a few days ago, I am now sitting at my computer. 

We have not been given any results by the hospital as to what they found on the fMRI, only another appointment. We do know however, that my son has tumors that need to be removed and that he will have to have some delicate surgery done. So, more waiting rooms, more hospital visits, and more worry. 

But hey, considering the fact that there are so many people who do not have access to hospitals (for a varied number of reasons), or that there are people who live in war torn countries where hospitals are targets used as a mean to exert control, or that there are people who can't access hospitals due to crazy healthcare systems, etc.etc., it may be worthwhile pondering how fortunate those of us are who have access to hospitals when and or if we need it. (This of course includes me)

Have you ever been asked to do a "word-association" test?

If not, then basically it is a method of trying to understand/gain insight into people's personality traits and mental functions by asking people to respond to words by giving as a response the first words that springs to mind. Examples: blue, red, white= a flag, green, legs, slimy=a frog, nurse, pain, bed=hospital...and so on.

In my opinion, most of us are involved with "word-association" most everyday, although we are mostly unaware of doing so. For me the word hospital triggers a lot of other words, but not only words, but also memories, emotions, events, and so on. ("Attachments")

Word-association, in my view, can at times be helpful to help us find a path to follow in order to understand our feeling-responses to some words and some word combinations. 

Here are some other "powerful" words that can evoke strong responses: religion, God, politics, poverty, suffering, right/wrong, truth, etc.etc ......

For one person suffering may be associated with their own experiences, for another it may be associated with someone else going through suffering, for one person dentist may be associated with fear and trepidation, for another person it may be associated with good dental hygiene, and so on.

Being able to communicate and understand each other well is often assisted/helped by us understanding our associations with words that trigger strong emotional responses in us and others.

For me the word hospital has a lot of associations, can you think of a word that has a lot of associations for you?

I think you may be surprised at all the words that may come tumbling out once you allow yourself to just let them flow freely.......:)

"He showed the word "chocolate cake" to a group of Americans and recorded their word associations. "Guilt" was the top response. If that strikes you as unexceptional, consider the response of French eaters to the same prompt: "celebration"."
(Michael Pollan)