How our associations to words influence us..........

According to some research, some words are more "powerful" than others and two of the most powerful words are "love" and "peace". How exactly this may be measured, I don't really know, but what I do know, is that I would like to add a word, and that word is "hospital".

Most of us begin our lives in a hospital, and for many of us, this is also where our life-journey's end.

Right now, I am sitting in a Starbucks in a large Hospital, sipping coffee and trying to chew my way through an awful wrap which seem to consist of mainly mushy pumpkin, some other indistinguishable veggis, and a whole lot of un-digestible pumpkin seeds.

My son has been called to the hospital to have yet another fMRI, a procedure which usually takes about one hour or so, so it's up to me to find something to do to pass the time.

I decide to buy a cheap notebook and get a head start on my next blog post. After staring at the blank page for ages, it suddenly dawns on me to write about hospitals, after all, I have spent many, many, long hours in hospitals since I was very young.

For some of us, the word hospital may invoke all sorts of anxieties, flashbacks, scary or happy memories, joyful or sorrowful events, etc.etc., but for others, the word may just be one of many ordinary words. In my case, the word hospital often brings associations with both fear and comfort and emotions ranging from despair to relief, so I guess perhaps I could say that the word in my case, comes with "attachments".

Pondering these attachments I suddenly have a flashback: I am 12 years old and on the other side of a hospital door with a glass window in it, stands my brother. We are not allowed to touch due to the risk of infection, so we put our hands against the glass, look at each other silently, while our hearts whisper I love you. That was the last time I saw him, not much later he died in the hospital. He was 14 years old. 

Somebody suddenly shouts: double shot latte, skim milk! and in an instant I am transported back to the here and now. Although I have only had a few bites of the wrap, I decide to throw it away. 

I still have some coffee left, so I return to my seat after I have thrown away the wrap and then proceed to do my best to swallow all the emotions that the flashback has stirred up. 

This proves impossible. One after the other of flashbacks from times when I have found myself in a hospital waiting room hijacks my mind. The birth of my son, my son's first life threatening asthma attack at 13 months old, followed on by the 2nd attack, 3rd, 4th, and so on....not until in his mid teenage years did it slow down. Hospital, when my son constantly had to be hospitalized, was a word of comfort, a word signifying hope and survival. And then......the turbulence of finding his own way in the world began. "This is doctor Smith, from the ABC hospital, do you have a son by the name of...xyz? He needs emergency surgery and we need your consent..." I threw myself in the car and drove to the hospital with reckless abandon and eventually found myself once again in a waiting room, anxious, scared, yet also comforted by my trust in the surgeon at the hospital to be able to see my son through. Okay, I need to stop these flashbacks and their attachments now, I still have another 25 minutes to wait and I want to be calm and collected when my son has finished his fMRI.

I decide to clock up some steps on my "stepping-gadget" by walking up and down the corridors at the hospital. I toss the empty coffee container in the trash and take off.

That was a few days ago, I am now sitting at my computer. 

We have not been given any results by the hospital as to what they found on the fMRI, only another appointment. We do know however, that my son has tumors that need to be removed and that he will have to have some delicate surgery done. So, more waiting rooms, more hospital visits, and more worry. 

But hey, considering the fact that there are so many people who do not have access to hospitals (for a varied number of reasons), or that there are people who live in war torn countries where hospitals are targets used as a mean to exert control, or that there are people who can't access hospitals due to crazy healthcare systems, etc.etc., it may be worthwhile pondering how fortunate those of us are who have access to hospitals when and or if we need it. (This of course includes me)

Have you ever been asked to do a "word-association" test?

If not, then basically it is a method of trying to understand/gain insight into people's personality traits and mental functions by asking people to respond to words by giving as a response the first words that springs to mind. Examples: blue, red, white= a flag, green, legs, slimy=a frog, nurse, pain, bed=hospital...and so on.

In my opinion, most of us are involved with "word-association" most everyday, although we are mostly unaware of doing so. For me the word hospital triggers a lot of other words, but not only words, but also memories, emotions, events, and so on. ("Attachments")

Word-association, in my view, can at times be helpful to help us find a path to follow in order to understand our feeling-responses to some words and some word combinations. 

Here are some other "powerful" words that can evoke strong responses: religion, God, politics, poverty, suffering, right/wrong, truth, etc.etc ......

For one person suffering may be associated with their own experiences, for another it may be associated with someone else going through suffering, for one person dentist may be associated with fear and trepidation, for another person it may be associated with good dental hygiene, and so on.

Being able to communicate and understand each other well is often assisted/helped by us understanding our associations with words that trigger strong emotional responses in us and others.

For me the word hospital has a lot of associations, can you think of a word that has a lot of associations for you?

I think you may be surprised at all the words that may come tumbling out once you allow yourself to just let them flow freely.......:)

"He showed the word "chocolate cake" to a group of Americans and recorded their word associations. "Guilt" was the top response. If that strikes you as unexceptional, consider the response of French eaters to the same prompt: "celebration"."
(Michael Pollan)

"Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviour"....the power of words

Have you ever experienced times when it seemed as if out of nowhere

suddenly your thoughts had been hi-jacked? Your in bed, almost asleep, up pops a thought..."did I lock the back door? what did he/she mean when he/she said...?  what if ......?  did I turn off the....? etc.etc.

The other night I was awakened by a loud thud coming from my neighbour's unit. Since they had supposedly moved out, I was perplexed as to what was making all the racket at 2:30 in the morning.

My mind was racing. "Thought-bandits" hi-jacked my thinking. Maybe my neighbours had moved out their stuff in order to make space for a meth-lab? (Apparently this happens) Maybe some thieves had broken in and were stealing whatever stuff was still left in the unit? (This happened here in this complex not long ago) What if someone was hurt? A rapid-fire of thoughts and memories of past nocturnal traumatic events flooded my mind. 

How much control to we have over our thoughts? More to the point, where do thoughts actually come from? Apparently, according to Yohan John, NeuroScience PhD, thoughts come from "everywhere and nowhere" and sometimes just "pop up". Huh?  Well, he also says that thoughts come from neural processes and they come from everywhere, as in, the forms and dynamics of thoughts are influenced by everything that has a causal connection with us. (Although science may one day say something else, for now, thoughts for all intents and purposes, are made up of words/language.)

So thoughts are made up of words...so, what are words then made of, or more succinct: what are words?

Wikipedia: "Words are thought(?) of as the smallest meaningful unit of speech that can stand by themselves."

By now you may have come to the conclusion (like me) that thoughts and words both belong to the "we don't really know what they are and or how to efficiently explain them" category.

What we do know on the other hand is that thoughts and the words that make up our thoughts, play a very important part in our lives. We may not have all that much control over some thoughts, as in thoughts that seem to just pop up out of nowhere, but how we respond to the thoughts we have, this we do have the possibility to control to a large extent.

Once a thought grab ahold of us, it can be hard to let it go of it even if we recognize that the thought is making us anxious and or upset. Thoughts are often connected to emotions/feelings, images, past experiences, and one word can at times trigger a flood of different emotions. Although, so can a sound, a smell, an event, etc. (Some say that a smell can be a very powerful memory trigger.) For people who suffer with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or compulsive obsessive disorder, recognizing their "triggers" can be a very important aspect of understanding these disorders and how to find a helpful way to deal with them.

(Struggling with a mild form of PTSD myself, the smell of alcohol, or unexpected thuds in the night, are some of my triggers.)

"Now that we've found love, what are we gonna do with it" sings Heavy D, perhaps one could rephrase that and say: "Now that we have found thoughts that trigger suffering/pain/confusion/fear....what are we gonna do with them?"

Thoughts may be able to just pop up seemingly out of nowhere, but once we are aware of them, in my view, we do have an opportunity to decide how we will respond to them.

A very helpful tool (self-help tool) in my opinion, is "cognitive re-framing". Basically it is looking at an event/situation/memory from a number of different perspectives, as in, seeking alternative interpretations, perceptions, and words to define the experience. Ex: Situation: A man comes home to find his family standing on the road in front of their home burnt to the ground. Thought: I have lost everything. Feeling: sadness, anger, disillusionment, a sense of profound loss.

Same situation but with a different thought from the man. Thought: My family is safe. All I have lost can be replaced. Feeling: Relief, and a sense of gratitude that his loved ones are safe.

"As you think, so shall you become." (Bruce Lee)

And since we use words to think with, then it seems to me that the words we use to think with are very important. Ex: "People should be more considerate of others, because I am." If this is our thinking then it is possible that when people fail to match our perception of what being considerate means, we will feel disappointed/sad/disheartened. Put another way: "I am a considerate person because I believe that being considerate to others is a good thing, whether others view it the same way or not, is up to them."

I have found the phrase- "or put another way"- to be really helpful in finding alternative perspectives on how to define and interpret events/experiences/emotions, .......perhaps you may too?

If a "thought-bandit" (intrusive/maladaptive thought) comes and demands for you to hand over your thoughts, it may be helpful to remember that by changing the words that your thoughts consist of, you have the possibility to change your thoughts, and by doing so, potentially change a negative emotional response into a more positive (life-affirming) one.

"Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words.

Keep your words positive because your words become your behaviour.

Keep your behaviour positive because your behaviour becomes your habits.

Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values.

Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny."

(Gandhi)

On owning one's feelings and responses.....

Always on the search for interesting books I often find myself browsing for bargains in second hand shops, and on one such an occasion, I found "Choice Theory" authored by William Glasser M.D. Have you ever used the phrase: "He or she made me feel so angry/frustrated, scared/etc.etc that.....", or "you make me feel......", "they made me feel that I....."?

According to Glasser, Choice Theory explains to us how we choose everything we do, other people can neither make us happy nor unhappy, other people cannot make us feel what we feel. What others offer/gives us, is information, and information in itself is void of feelings. We process the information, then we decide how we will respond to it.

In Glasser's opinion, (as I understand it) understanding that we have the freedom to choose how we will respond to any given information/action or behaviour, offers us an opportunity to respond thoughtfully and deliberately.

I have a feeling that for many of us, digesting the statement that "nobody can make you feel anything" can be a pretty tough task, after all, telling someone "you make me feel...(whatever you are feeling).......is common parlance. If Glasser's Choice Theory is correct, then whatever we are feeling as a response to something, we are responsible for, that is, the ownership of whatever our feelings may be, belongs to us. (If we say to someone "You make me feel so angry!" we are basically handing over the responsibility of our feelings of anger to "You", as in, we didn't choose the anger, the other did.)

 Beginning a sentence with "you make me feel" is often problematic because it tends to sound like an accusation, and more often than not provokes counter-accusations and or antagonism...."I make you feel??? What about what you make me feel??!!"

                   I believe that most of us desire to build and maintain good relationships with people that are important to us, and to do so, it is often helpful to understand that how we express our feelings play an important role as to the quality of our relationships, as well as, understanding that the only person whose behaviour we can control, is our own. 

Most of the time when we communicate, we use words, but the use of words can be problematic ....they have many different interpretations and definitions....let me ask you, what does the word "relationship" mean to you?

The way two or more people/things are connected? A state of connectedness with emotional bonds, close connections with someone/something, being part of and or belonging to a specific someone or something? How we define "relationship" is important in my view, because commonly we have expectations attached to the word....although, those expectations are seldom voiced but more often assumed. "Now that we are in a relationship, I thought you wouldn't....." ..."You're my brother/sister, why did you......?"etc.etc. In my view, for any kind of relationship to flourish, we need to communicate clearly, precisely, and compassionately. (Mind reading is not recommended :)

We can choose our words, we can choose to have eye contact when we speak, we can choose to listen, we can choose at what volume we speak, we can choose to take responsibility for our actions and behaviours aka: "I am sorry that I was irritated/angry/flustered/etc. with you, I am just feeling a bit on edge at the moment".  In my view, caring for those with whom we have a relationship without any inclinations toward "ownership" and or "rightful expectations" is often a helpful approach. (Which, for those of us who are parents, may prove to be a long-lasting battle to overcome.)

Glasser: "To achieve and maintain the relationships we need, we must stop choosing to coerce, force, compel, punish, reward, manipulate, boss, motivate, criticize, blame, complain, nag, badger, rank, rate, and withdraw. We must replace these destructive behaviours with choosing to care, listen, support, negotiate, encourage, love, befriend, trust, accept, welcome, and esteem."

"When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself."

(Deepak Chopra)

About the image: The rain does not make us use an umbrella, we choose to use one.......or not.

The importance of eye contact......

When you speak with someone, how important is it for you to have eye contact?

Have you ever said to someone: "look me in the eyes when you say that so that I know that you are telling me the truth", or "your mouth says one thing but your eyes says something different", or "can you please take off your sun-glasses so that I can see your eyes?"

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is a "scanner"? With "scanner" I mean a person who constantly shifts his/her gaze... only for split seconds here and there do your eyes connect so you are never really sure if the scanner has actually paid any attention to anything you have said to him/her. (Kids, I have discovered, are masters at noticing when adults are "scanning" rather than interacting. "Look at me when I am talking to you, mum/dad!" they demand, and a tantrum of some kind may often follow if the demand is not met.)

In many Western societies (Eastern societies are different), having eye contact when we speak with someone, shows that we are paying attention and that we are interested in connecting with the person we are speaking with. 

(And vice versa: we often avoid eye contact in situations we may find uncomfortable: the loud drunk on the bus, the screaming child in the super market queue, the man/woman speaking out loud to him/herself in the waiting room, riding an elevator with strangers, etc.etc. aka: "don't make eye contact with strange people".)

For some of us, eye contact can perhaps be experienced as a little bit too "intimate". If the saying "the eyes are the window to the soul" is true, then eye contact can perhaps even be experienced as "intrusive" under certain circumstances. 

According to some inquiries made by those in the "know", we are able to read a person's emotions by just looking in to their eyes, which is perhaps a reason for why so many of us find it uncomfortable to speak to strangers, to speak with people wearing dark glasses, wearing caps with the visors pulled down so the eyes can't be seen, or wearing mirror sun-glasses.

Even if we happen to be shy, there are benefits to having eye contact with those we speak with or listen to, even if it may be a bit challenging.

Through having eye contact when we interact with others, a mutual exchange of respect, attention, appreciation, understanding and acknowledgment can be had, and at times, even without having to utter one word.

Slouched in a chair, tired beyond words, sipping cold, watery coffee from a plastic cup, my eyes gazed around the impersonal hospital waiting room. My son was being attended to by a pediatrician in another room, so I had a few minutes to myself. I looked at my hand holding the plastic cup and noticed that it was still shaking from having spent hours of carrying my son while he was struggling to breathe, to stay alive. In a dimly lit room across from where I was sitting, I saw a man sitting in a chair with a small, sleeping child in his arms. Just like my son, this boy was also hooked up to bags,  bottles, and an assortment of machines. Although my eyes felt like they had saw dust in them and I could barely see, I just couldn't take my eyes of the man and the boy. Suddenly, the man looked straight at me. We locked eyes. In the 20 or so seconds our eyes connected and without speaking even one word, I knew that he knew that I knew what we were both going through. 

Amazing as today's technology is, I can't help but wonder sometimes if we do not spend perhaps too much time gazing at screens rather than in to each others eyes. An i-Thingy may be able to do many things, but as a substitute for face to face, human inter action and connection, comfort and compassion, in my view, an i-Thingy is a poor substitute.

"Sometimes you have to disconnect to stay connected. Remember the old days when you had eye contact during a conversation? When everyone wasn't looking down at a device in their hands? We have become so focused on that tiny screen that we forget the big picture,.... the people right in front of us." (Regina Brett)

Surviving boarding school....one woman's story

For a year or so, I worked in an art gallery. While I was working there, I would sometimes have lunch with some of the others on duty in the gallery. One rainy and very slow day in the gallery, I was told a story by a woman on duty with me that day that made such an impact on me that I had to write it down.

(This is my rendition,  after the application of some "poetic licence".)

Circus Girl

The bell rings, she runs to get ready,

a brush through the hair, heart quite steady.

Socks pulled up, unruly skirt straightened,

eyes thoroughly fixed on the front gate opened.

Five o'clock and she's still there waiting,

the hope of them coming, slowly waning.

Maybe she thinks, they're just running late,

just a few minutes more, and they'll walk through the gate.

As the sun slowly sets and the evening bells chime,

she knows they're not coming, well, not this time.

She returns to her dorm, small suitcase in hand,

why they so seldom come, she can't understand.

She misses the Circus and all her friends there,

she misses the music and the atmosphere.

She misses her father clowning around,

her mother soaring, high above the ground.

Why had they decided to put her in this place,

so harsh so cold, such an unhappy space?

Nuns with stiff clothing and quick to reprimand,

and visiting Fathers with strange demands.

Do the nuns not know what the Fathers do,

behind closed doors, and out of view?

In the dark little room at the top of the stairs,

some Fathers perform, their illicit affairs.

She has decided to be, a brave little girl,

to create for herself, her own little world.

A world in which, she cannot be touched,

by men in robes, driven by lust.

The bell rings, she runs to get ready,

a brush through the hair, heart quite steady.

Socks pulled up, unruly skirt straightened,

eyes thoroughly fixed, on the front gate opened.

In through the gate, the Circus marches,

filling the air, with music and laughter.

Home, she thinks, has now come for me,

and home is where I, really want to be.

************

The woman who told me the story is an artist who specializes in creating masks. The masks she creates are highly sought after by many professional performers in the theater, ballet, musicals, operas, etc.etc. When I asked her why she creates masks, she told me that wearing a "mask" was how she survived her years at boarding school. Though it may seem a bit fantastical, she really did grow up in the circus. Her mother was a trapeze artist, and her father a clown.

A.I. (artificial intelligence)......saviours of a flawed mankind?

In 1949, Gilbert Ryle, a British philosopher, coined the term "Ghost in the Machine" in his work: "The Concept of Mind".

The Ghost in the Machine... can be referred to as "consciousness carried in a physical entity", but also as a machine with a mind/will of its own, aka, independent of a human operator's intentions, and a ghost in the machine is also a term computer programmers often use when a program runs contrary to expectations.

Many of us have probably experienced the following scenario: you are using your electronic device when suddenly something unexpected happens...... it shuts down for no apparent reason, the camera on the computer unexplicitly lights up, a key on the keyboard only works intermittently, etc.etc.

If you are like me, then you "talk" to your computer or other i-thingy when stuff happens...

Foolish I know, but for me it seems to be a knee-jerk response to ask the i-thingy/computer... "-Why are you doing this???"

My first experience with the term  "Ghost in the Machine" was HAL in the movie "2001-a Space Odyssey", and HAL was quite the malevolent being which has undoubtedly coloured my perspective on "A.I."

In a chat room recently, I was asked by someone: "Do you believe that A.I. is going to save humanity, since humanity seems hellbent on destroying itself?"

In all honesty, I had never entertained that thought until I was asked the question. I asked my son for some info on the subject and when I asked him if A.I.'s more commonly than not are portrayed as malevolent entities in the movies, he answered that he wasn't sure about "pop/blockbuster movies" but that that was not the case in Japanese animation and or Manga.

In Japanese animation and or Manga, the A.I.'s are often portrayed as beings in search of their own humanity, so rather than being portrayed as malevolent beings, they are portrayed as benevolent beings.

I have watched a few movies with A.I.'s: The Terminator, I, Robot, Blade runner, The Matrix, Ex Machina, Metropolis, Tron, Bicentennial Man, A.I. (and probably a few more that I can't remember right now), and although I enjoyed watching those movies, I never pondered any further on the subject. Having been asked a question about A.I. saving mankind, then thinking on it, I came up with no answers, only questions...

Does humanity need to be saved from itself? Will technology advance to a stage when A.I.'s will become "better" humans than humans?  Will flawed human beings be able to program machines to be flawless? And if so, what will happen to us flawed human beings? Can machines be programmed to "age"? How we experience and interact with the world around us has a lot to do with at what stage of the maturing/aging process we are. Will there be teen aged A.I.'s? Or baby ones?

Can intuition, consciousness, mind, thinking, emotions, imagination, love, compassion, etc.etc. be programmed? A sperm penetrating an egg, why does that create, and how, does that create a new life? What is "life force"? 

Can "life force" be programmed?

Okay, I am now beginning to feel as if I may have opened Pandora's box...so Imma go ahead and close it.

It seems to me that technology has the potential to both harm and or enhance our lives. At the same time as communication has become easier in many ways, paradoxically, social isolation has become an increasing problem according to statistics. One may even ask how this is possible with a myriad of social networks available 24/7 all over the world.....apparently however, on-line communication falls short in comparison to face-to-face communication. If we want to connect with someone on a deeper level, body language and the sound of a persons voice is important (so they say). 

Since we are not A.I.'s (you're not, are you?) but garden variety humans, it can be helpful to ask ourselves a few questions: do technologies help us to build/form meaningful relationships? are we able to communicate, listen, interact, "better" with others because of technologies in our lives? do technologies increase or decrease our compassion and concern for others? If we find that we miss out on face-to-face interaction and deeper connections with others because we spend most of our time in front of or on an interface, we may need to re-evaluate.....

To comfort someone suffering, human arms are usually best for the job, to be there for someone feeling isolated, being present in both body and mind is usually most helpful, to share a joyous occasion with someone, showing up with a balloon and or a bunch of flowers is often well received.

Love, compassion, and tenderness I reckon is hard to program, so until then, human expressions of such rule........(is the best)

"The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than if a submarine can swim."  (Edsger W. Dijkstra)

on Expressing oneself....

A solitary figure walks across a snow covered frozen lake. Who is he? Where is he going?

Why is he alone? 

For years, early every morning I would drive to the beach and go for a long walk along the waters edge.

Except for on a few occasions, nothing out of the ordinary used to happen. Allow me to share one of those exceptions with you...

Not far in front of me, there they were, two men carrying a sofa, and a woman carrying a floor lamp.

They walked to the waters edge, put down the sofa and the floor lamp facing the ocean.. The men sat down on the sofa, the woman somehow magically turned on the floor lamp and then sat down on the sofa as well. 

Something so ordinary; people sitting on a sofa with a lit floor lamp behind them; suddenly extremely out of the ordinary due to where this was taking place. What a lark!! and for me, a mind bender.

My whole approach to painting changed. I realized that as an artist, I had the freedom to paint any kind of image....the word "real" no longer came with any restrictions other than whether I would be able to technically produce my "mind's" image or not.

"You're a "message" artist" one of my friends told me. "A what?" I asked. "Most of your paintings seem to have an underlying message" she answered. 

Expressing ourselves, according to research, is paramount to our well being. We do so in many ways: talking, writing, painting, dancing, gardening, working out, etc.etc.etc. Some suggest that the need to express ourselves comes from an "inherent" need for belonging; we want to know about others and we want others to know about us. ( Hence the "success" of the internet?)

Most commonly we express ourselves by using words; written/signed or spoken; but in my experience, there are times when words just somehow are not enough. Which is when the "arts" can come in handy. "A picture paints a thousand words".."music is the language of the soul"..."dancing can improve your mental health"...and so on. As well as expressing ourselves by "doing" (whatever it may be), at times others "doing" may be just as effective: listening to music, viewing other peoples works of art, reading other peoples writings, watching movies, performing arts, etc.etc.

Unfortunately, we also express ourselves in less life affirming ways: through the use of hurtful words, shouting, screaming, aggressive and hostile actions, breaking and destroying things, abusive actions and words, etc.etc...

How we express ourselves, can often depend on how aware we are of the underlying emotions that are driving our behaviours, and the good news is that there are different possible ways of finding out what our underlying emotions are. Between an event and a response, there is a fraction of time in which we have the chance to choose how we will respond......  Dr. Phil: "When you choose the behaviour, you choose the consequences."

That fraction of time between the event and the response is when we can: count to ten, take a deep breath, consider the consequences should we lash out etc., consider postponing a response until a calmer time, choosing our words carefully, and so on. We may not be able to control/handle/subdue our emotions at all times, but, more often than not, we can choose how we are going to express them.

Expressing ourselves is important for our well-being, so spending some time figuring out constructive and life-affirming ways of doing so, may be worth while.  

"Everyone has their own ways of expression. I believe we all have a lot to say, but finding ways to say it is more than half the battle." (Criss Jami, writer)

"If you could say it in words, there would be no reason to paint." (Edward Hopper, artist)

"Where words fail, music speaks." (Hans Christian Andersen, writer)

ps. the above painting is an imagined depiction of a Russian soldier on his way home, finally.