Forgiveness...."To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."

 

The first beams of golden light slithers through the drawn blinds.

Eventually the beams find their way across her face. Their gentle warmth nudge her eyelids open.

Ekaterina startles. Once again she had fallen asleep in the chair by the window.

The room is filled with light and gone are the beasts of the night.

An alarm clock suddenly breaks the silence. Ekaterina rubs her sore feet, then slowly walks to her bedroom to turn off the angry sounding alarm clock.

To ease the pain in her aching body and make it possible for her to go to work, she decides to have a long, hot, shower.

The hot water sends shivers through her body but the pain remains.

With shaking fingers she touches the scars running up and down her arms, legs, and torso. Years have gone by since the assault, but the pain from the scars often remind her of the nightmare that once was her life. When the war had begun, she was a fourteen year old girl with hopes and dreams of becoming a professional ballet dancer, but when it ended, she was an old soul with broken dreams, a broken family, a broken heart, and a broken body.

She was still preoccupied with perfecting the 'pas the deux' when her brothers joined up, and when her father disappeared night after night to secret meetings, she stayed at home with her mother sewing costumes. For her, the war was inconvenient, but somewhat unreal, until the bombs started to fall and people disappear. First Dejan, then Goran, then her father. Food became scarce, her mother would leave at dawn to stand in line for a piece of bread, some potatoes, and a cup of milk. Ekaterina watched the light in her mother's eyes slowly die, as days, weeks, months, went by. On her sixteen's birthday, they were given the news, that her father and brothers, had been found dead in a shallow grave; all shot in the back of their heads.

Her mother's heart, fell apart, and soon she was gone, and Ekaterina was left on her own. She decided to leave, to run away, to find some peace, somewhere safe to stay. Then one night she packed a small bag, some morsels of food, some clothes to wear, and wrapped up in satin, her most beloved possession; her ballet shoes.

She was only a few kilometres from the border, when she run out of luck, she was spotted by a soldier from the back of a truck. Before she knew it, she was on her back, and one by one, they took turns, in defiling her body, and hitting her with their guns. Barely conscious, she realised that the worst was yet to come, she saw a big knife on top of a gun. He cut her arms, he cut her legs, he cut her feet, he cut her chest. She should have died, but death was denied, she woke three days later, a nurse by her side. A kind old shepherd minding his flock, found Ekaterina half dead and in a state of shock. On his back he carried her across the border, found a hospital to look after her to help her recover.

One year later, it was time for her to leave, to find new life, pastures green.

She settled in a city, not too big not too small,

with many ballet venues and concert halls. She found a job and a place to live,

made some friends, and decided to forgive.

Ekaterina carefully dries herself, then gets dressed. She swallows two pain killers, ties her hair in a bun, and turns on the radio. The small flat fills with music and Ekaterina gently begins to dance.

 When she decided to forgive the soldiers who assaulted her, a burden lifted and she found the desire to dance again. Although the scars on her feet still cause some pain, when she dances, she feels no pain at all.

"Soon, Mama, soon, I will be able to dance joyfully again," she whispers as she gracefully dances across the sunlit floor.

 

"When we forgive, we set ourselves free regardless of ...."

 

"Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, nor does it mean that you've given the message that what someone did was okay. It just means that you've let go of the anger or guilt towards someone, or towards yourself."

"Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning." (Desmond Tutu)

"When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future."

(Bernard Meltzer)

 

Friendship.....what does it mean to you?

A friend is someone who stays with you regardless of the weather.
A friend is someone who supports you, when you're at the end of your tether.
A friend is someone who will desert you,... never.

A friend is someone who treats you with respect,
inspite of flaws and being less than perfect.
A friend is someone who knows when to listen,
and when to offer, some gentle friction.

A friend is someone with whom you feel at ease,
warts and all, no need to appease.
A friend is someone who stays in touch,
has you on speed-dial, (or .. some such).

A friend is someone who calls when running late,
or if for some reason, have to break a date.
A friend is someone who stands by your side
when things fall apart and you're caught in a tide.

A friend is someone who openly shares,
concerns and worries, life's many cares.
A friend is someone who offers you honesty,
steadfastness, and utmost, loyalty.

On the list of things, of what a friend ought to be,
perhaps it may be prudent to ask: Is this true, true of me?
Am I such a friend, a friend like this?
I hope that I am, and you wont find me remiss.


"A good way to find a friend, is to become one."

(Citizen X)

 

Who am I ?.......on finding "me"...

 

"Tell me something, what do you mean with you have find yourself, do you mean that you somehow "lost" yourself, and now you need to find yourself again?" asked Linda's grand mother.

"Well, when you put it that way, it sounds kind of silly, but yes, I feel as if I don't really know who I am, what I stand for, or what I believe in," Linda answered.

"Did you use to know these things then?"

"Yes, I used to be very sure of who I was and what I believed in".

"So why do you now feel as if you are lost?"

"I don't know, but recently I have started to question myself. I mean, why do I hold the views that I do? Are they truly my own views, or are they hand-me-down views that I have picked up along the way? I feel lost I guess, because I am no longer sure of who the real me is."

"Is there such a thing as a "real" you then?"

"That's the thing, I don't know. Things happen, and suddenly I find myself doing things I don't want to do, and not doing the things I want to do. It's like there is a war going on inside of me between a "real" and "false" me."

"How is the "false" you different to the "real" you?

"Well, the "real" me wants to be kind, hard working, fair, patient, understanding, wise, supportive, loving, fun, loyal and so on, but often that other "false" me shows up instead. That "me" gets irritated, impatient, jealous, envious, competitive, angry, .......basically not a very nice person at all".

"Being a nice person is important to you?"

"Yes, I want people to think well of me."

"Why is it important for you that other people think well of you?"

"See, that's another struggle I have. I want people to like me, but I also want to stand by my principles, and sometimes those things clash."

"What do you usually do when they clash?"

"It depends I guess. If sticking up for my principles will cause a loss of some kind, like a friend, or a job, or cause friction in my family, then I often choose to ignore my principles and go with the flow.

I mean, people are more important than principles aren't they?

"Are people more important than principles?

Perhaps that is a principle for you; people are more important than principles?"

"Well, I have relationships with people, but not with principles."

"Yes, but the kind of relationships you have with people depends to a great extent on your principles."

"Hmmm....so I guess it is important for me to be really clear about what my belief system and guiding life principles are? Do they make up the core of who I am perhaps?"

"In my opinion, they certainly play an important role. However, life is not static and you may encounter experiences in life that may cause you to question your belief system and guiding life principles. At times  you may even find that you may need to revise or even change them."

"So, my sense of who I am is not static? It keeps changing?

I am neither "lost" or "found", I am both, I am neither my "real" or my "false" self, I am both?

"Well, Linda, I am a mother, a grand-mother, a woman, a wife, a human being, a cook, a gardener; yet my experience of me is that of one "me" with many aspects."

"Is who I am the same as what I do?

"Part of who you are, is what you do, just like part of what you do is part of who you are.

What you think you are, you become."

"Will I ever really know for sure who I am, Grandma?

"Knowing what kind of human being you want to be is a very good start, Linda,

and if you find yourself falling short of being the kind of person you want to be, you can always make a change. As Vera Nazarian wrote: "Sometimes, being true to yourself means changing your mind. Self changes, and you follow."

 

(About the painting: This is a piece that came about while I was teaching a student to paint.)

 

On feeling helpless........

One by one the baby turtles were snapped up by predators. Hundreds were decimated to a few. A bystander watching a woman assisting the baby turtles by gently carrying them one by one to the ocean, walked up to the woman and asked: "What's the point of what you are doing, what difference does it make if you rescue a few of these turtles?" The woman turned around and looked at the man and then answered: "Well, it makes a big difference to this little one"  then she walked to the water where she released the baby turtle.

Have you ever experienced times in your life when you have felt helpless? "Hmmm...helpless in what way?" you may ask. While shifting a piano with a friend I suddenly lost my grip and the piano came crashing down on my left foot.....no matter how hard I tried I couldn't lift it...I was helpless...until my friend came around to my end of the piano and helped me lift it off my foot.  I recently had a conversation with a friend who told me that he felt utterly helpless to change the situation he was in, and due to his feelings of helplessness, he felt depressed.

Physical helplessness may be quickly fixed with an influx of physical strength/help, but what about emotional helplessness?

First I looked up: Helpless = unable to help oneself/others...or = lacking support, or = powerless, or = defenseless, or = weak/dependent....the more definitions I looked up the more puzzled I became...was there a slight twinge of disapprovement hidden in the definitions?

Next I searched for "emotional helplessness"......lo and behold, more bewilderment.

Attached to the word "emotional helplessness" very often was the word "learned".

This led me to ponder what different kinds of experiencing "emotional helplessness" there were; so there is "learned emotional helplessness", but what about "circumstantial emotional helplessness" or "adapted emotional helplessness", or just plain "I-feel-so-emotionally-overwhelmed-right-now-that-I-feel-helpless-to-affect-any-change" emotional helplessness"?

Is being emotionally competent a "natural/common" state of being/behaviour and so any deviations from such becomes "learned"?

Hmmm...........

Perhaps we can learn to become "emotionally competent" even though we may struggle with feelings of helplessness?

Are there some steps one can take to overcome feelings of helplessness?

I believe there are.

My suggestions are as follows: What are the issues over which you feel helpless? At times being able to define the issues clearly and precisely can help us establish what we know to be true compared to what we believe to be true. (Being told by a trusted doctor that you have "xxx-disorder" is different to believing that you do because your dad did.)

Share your concerns with someone; getting a different perspective can be very useful/helpful.

At times it can be easy to get stuck in a pessimistic loop when we feel helpless; sharing our concerns with someone with an optimistic disposition may assist us in entertaining new possibilities.

For some people it can be helpful to set goals.

"Of the issues that I find problematic, are there perhaps some that I can do something about?

What do I need to do to affect change?"

Sometimes even the smallest of successes make a big difference in achieving a sense of hope and empowerment.

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." (Francis of Assisi)

Strange though it may seem, when we shoulder the responsibility for our own lives,

an amazing sense of empowerment often follows.

 

“Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.”

(Rumi)

 

Many voices when in harmony makes a choir......

During my last few years of high school, I belonged to a choir.

I can't really remember how or why I joined a choir since I didn't really like singing and I couldn't read music, but joined, I did. (How I passed the audition, is still a mystery to me.)

It was a motley crew of people from many different backgrounds, but what was quickly apparent to me, was that they all seemed very dedicated to this choir.

When the conductor raised his baton (conductors stick), forgotten were the differing views on religion, politics, moral dilemmas, whether Jimi Hendrix were a better guitarist than Eric Clapton, or Yoko Ono destroyed the Beatles. Once the baton was raised, all that mattered, was the music.

I was amazed at the transition from a cacophony of people arguing and debating to in an instant becoming the harmonious sound of a choir.

My conclusion was, that there was one thing that was more important than anything else; the love of making wonderful music, together.

The algorithm (formula for solving a problem) for the choir, was the music.

If mass media is to be believed, then it occurs to me that mankind better come up with a new algorithm for peaceful co-existence, because whatever algorithm we are currently using, is obviously not working.

But why care?

With everything going on all over the planet, what difference does it make if we care?

May I suggest that because of the ripple effect, and because the world is an interconnected system, it makes a difference when we care.

Expanding on Edmund Burke's words: "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing".

Evil?

Some of us don't adhere to that term. Okay, perhaps expressed differently: "All that is necessary for injustice to triumph, is for righteous people to do nothing." Or: "All that is necessary for indifference to triumph, is for people to not care." Or: "All that is necessary for apathy to triumph, is for people to abandon hope."

Have you heard of the Butterfly Effect? (The term not the movie) The Butterfly Effect is "the idea, used in chaos theory, that a very small difference in the initial state of a physical system can make a significant difference to the state at some later time ".

Put another way: A small change can end up being a big change.

Consider the "Power of One", some examples: Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi, Lord Buddha, Jesus Christ, William Shakespeare, Socrates, Charles Darwin, Isaac Newton, Marcus Aurelius, ......and so on.

"Never believe that a few caring people cannot change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." (Margret Mead)

In the face of  24/7 reports of wars, atrocities, famines, poverty, crimes, natural disasters, et cetera

it can be tempting to apply the "It's all too much" algorithm, and according to research, human beings find it easier to become emotionally involved with the fate of one missing child in their own home town than 3.000 children in peril "somewhere over there".

Another algorithm is: "If I ignore it, it will go away."

(Climate change? What climate change?)

If we are not directly affected by natural disasters, economic down turns, pandemics, growing unrest and political upheavals, it is possible to ignore such....however, if the Butterfly Effect Theory is correct, then whether we like it or not, we will be affected.

The population on this planet consists of many "voices", but perhaps it would do all of us some good if we could find a way to put aside our many differences and started to focus more of our attention on what we have in common, and how we can create "harmony" rather than dissonance, together?

 

"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world." (Jack Layton)

 

(About the image: The reason I have chosen to use bears rather than humans, is that I am cautious as to not offend any peoples. The bears are symbolic representations.)

Parents and children.......

We are all someone's child,

and some of us,

are someone's parent.

 

From the moment my son was born,

not a moment has passed,

when I was not aware of his existence.

 

The love that comes with being a parent,

is equal to none.

Every fibre, every heartbeat, 

 the very last pore,

is ones own,.... no more.

 

When my child is happy, I soar,

when my child is hurting, I bleed from every pore,

when my child despairs, I am anxious to the core.

 

The instinct to protect,

to offer cover from life's darts

so very persuasive

when his dreams fall apart.

 

If my child's heart is broken,

from pain unspoken,

what do I have to offer

but an endless supply

of love, unconditional in design.

 

For me there will never be a time,

when I will desert this child of mine,

I'll be his shelter in the storm,

his friend when he feels low.

 

He shares my heart, he shares my soul,

he owns his heart, he owns his soul,

and though my child he well may be,

to know himself, he must be free.

 

To learn to cope with fiery darts and broken hearts,

life must be lived with all its parts,

to learn to grow, how to be strong

one cannot quit when things go wrong.

 

When the bough breaks and the skies turn grey,

a parents lot is to show the way,

how to find the crack where the light shines through

and what to do when one's feeling blue.

 

To learn to be selfless, patient, and kind

a good way of learning

is to love a child.

How to open your mind................make a paradigm shift

 

"But where is the film? they asked the man when he was trying to show them a new photographic technique. "And you don't use either a developer or a darkroom? Well, how can this be photography then?" they asked. What the man was trying to show them was electrostatic photography; also known as xerography; but since their paradigm (model) of what photography was did not recognise this mans invention, they rejected it. Chester Carlson, the inventor, was rejected many times before he was successful. (Xerography is used in most photocopying machines as well as in laser and LED printers which today is a multi billion dollar industry.)

So what is a paradigm? One definition is: " A shared
set of assumptions that have to do with how we perceive the world.
Paradigms can be very helpful because they allow us to develop expectations
about what will probably occur based on these assumptions." But what if we discover data/information that falls outside of our paradigms? Often we just don't see and or accept it, and this is called the "paradigm effect". Take it one step further to where we don't even recognise or are aware of that we are guided by our paradigms, and we may end up with "paradigm paralysis".

And this is important why?

Paradigm paralysis prevents us from seeing beyond our current models of thinking.

("If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got.")

If we hold the view that all unemployed people are lazy and don't want to work, then we are probably not going to recognise those who are unemployed for a multitude of different reasons and none to do with laziness. Paradigm> unemployed people are lazy.

If we hold the view that rich people are rich because they work hard and so deserve it, and poor people are poor because they don't work hard and so deserve to be poor, then our working paradigm may be > you get what you deserve.

These paradigms may work until......we get sacked from our jobs due to an economic downturn and find ourselves struggling to pay our bills, and, struggling to keep poverty at bay we may come to the conclusion that nobody deserves to be poor; > a paradigm shift.

There are religious paradigms, theoretical paradigms, scientific paradigms, social paradigms, and technical paradigms (just to mention a few), and they vary from culture to culture.

As I am writing this, one news report of war and conflict after the other, flashes on the TV screen.  Paradigm clash after paradigm clash, resulting in serious conflicts, innocent people dying and causing irreparable damage to structure, culture and nature.

Are we in the grips of a global paradigm paralysis? If so, for the sake of all mankind, is it not possible that we could re-examine our paradigms and break our paralysis? Perhaps we are due for a few paradigm shifts?

Throughout history there has been many paradigm shifts (a change of basic assumptions); "The transition in cosmology from a Ptolemaic Cosmology to a Copernican one, The acceptance of the Theory of Biogenesis; that all life comes from life, as opposed to the theory of spontaneous generation, which began in the 17th century and was not complete until the 19th century with Louis Pasteur. The development of quantum mechanics, which replaced classical mechanics at microscopic scales. The movement known as the Cognitive Revolution, away from Behaviourist approaches to psychological study and the acceptance of cognition as central to studying human behaviour. The acceptance of Lavoisier's theory of chemical reactions and combustion in place of phlogiston theory, known as the Chemical Revolution." (Wikipedia)

An earful I know, yet there are so many more.

Dealing with uncertainty and changing paradigms, although unsettling, also bears good fruit; we learn, we discover, and we invent new ways, new things, new thoughts.

Perhaps we want to hang on to our paradigms, belief systems, views, because it feels safer, but may I suggest we ponder this: An open mind allows us to experience new (different) ideas, new (different) thoughts, new (different) ways of seeing things, and an open mind is often conducive to positive change.

Our paradigms may perhaps be hidden to us, yet they are intrinsic to our mental processes. Often we only discover them when we try to communicate with someone with differing paradigms.

But the good thing is, we can make a paradigm shift whenever we like.

 

"We need to develop and disseminate an entirely new paradigm and practice of collaboration that supersedes the traditional silos that have divided governments, philanthropies and private enterprises for decades and replace it with networks of partnerships working together to create a globally prosperous society." (Simon Mainwaring)

 

(About the image: What do you see?

It is a close-up contraption for kids to play in.)