Sometimes I ask people for a subject to write about on this blog. When I asked my sister, she suggested that I write about "Family Ties". (In general, not the TV show.)
Hmmm...I thought...a complex subject, but, I have decided to have a go nonetheless.
First, I asked myself why it is such a complex subject, although, for some of us perhaps it may not be viewed as complex at all.
“There’s nothing that makes you more insane than family. Or more happy. Or more exasperated. Or more… secure.” (Jim Butcher)
Then I asked myself what exactly is a family?
The Free dictionary: "A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children."
Merriam-Webster Free dictionary: "a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head : household."
Hmm...I think I need to broaden the definition some what: "a body/group of people who have a close relationship". (Through blood, but perhaps also through interests, hobbies, passions, work, sports, and so on.)
It seems to me that there are many different kinds of families, but whatever the configuration may be of what we deem to be our family, may I suggest that most of us have a number of expectations of how the people in the family we belong to should (or we may want to) behave.
Throughout our lives, we develop values, beliefs, and attitudes in response to our experiences of life and living. Our biological/nurturing family, our friends, the community in which we live, the schools we attend, all contribute in influencing how we view the world and the sense/opinion we have of ourselves.
In many families, loyalty and trust are often regarded as two very important values, along with support, (of all different kinds; emotional, financial, etc..) positive regard, and a commitment to sustaining the relationship/family. ("A ‘value’ is commonly formed by a particular belief that is related to the worth of an idea or type of behaviour.")
When a member of a family who for instance holds loyalty as a premium value fails to live up to it (as viewed by other members) complexities set in. ("He/she let us down, knowing how important loyalty is to the family. Why did he/she do this?) Along with the values a family may live by, the individual members also have their own values outside of the family to contend with.
Example: "My family has always voted for Party X, but I want to vote for Party Z, because I believe in their policies." "My family are all Catholics, but I am an atheist and don't believe in God."
"Should I be loyal to my family, or to my own values and beliefs?"
A dilemma. One of many a family member may encounter.
"I love my family, but I have different views, I want to live up to their expectations, but I also want to follow my own path, I want to trust that they have my best at heart, but I am not sure they really know what that is, I want to be there for my folks, but I also want to see the world, I want to be supportive, but I don't support all they do or stand for" et cetera.
Complicated. Enter expectations. "As their child (member of the family), I expect them to love me, to support me, to be loyal to me, to help me when I need help, and to trust me, because I know they expect that from me."
On the other hand, our expectations may go like this: "They were never there for me, so they should not expect me to be there for them, they never supported me, so they should not expect me to support them, they never showed me any real love, so they should not expect me to show them love, they never trusted in me, so they should not expect me to put any trust in them", and so on.
The thing with expectations is that they are very often not spoken, rather, often assumed.
It can be very confrontational and emotionally harrowing to ask those we love and have a relationship with, what they expect from us and what we expect from them.
So we get tangled up and it can be very hard to know where to start to untangle.
Perhaps a good place to begin is to ask ourselves "what exactly are my expectations of my family, how fair or real are they, and can I change them in any way so that I may become less entangled and more autonomous in my relationship with my family?"
(As long as we hold on to our entanglements, we can not free ourselves from them.)
Families of any kind are complex, human beings are complex, and one may easily conclude that so must any answer be to the question of how to begin to untangle.
But what if it isn't?
What if the answer of how to begin to untangle is as simple as to ask oneself: "what can I change about me that will affect a positive (life affirming) change to my family relationships?"
"Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything." (George Bernard Shaw)
"It only takes one person to change your life: You" (Ruth Casey)
"Love is what is left in a relationship when the selfishness is taken out."
(Nick Richardson)
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