"Nothing that matter comes easy, nothing that's easy really matters"

 

Searching for images to sketch, I came across a black and white photo of JFK and Robbie Kennedy. 

The intensity and seriousness of these two brothers carrying the fate of a nation on their shoulders, grabbed my attention. JFK is speaking and Robert is listening...obviously something is discussed which matters very much to both of them.

(This sketch is made using graphite.)

Channel surfing on the TV I briefly watched a few minutes of a documentary on Rick Springfield and while doing so heard him say this: "Nothing that matters comes easy, and nothing that's easy really matters."

The opening line in the book "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck is: "Life is difficult".

When I first read it I thought: "Finally, someone who has the courage to say it like it is."

What a relief, someone gets it.

Easy. Now there's a word that seem to be used an awful lot.

It can be attached to many things:  nice-and-easy, easy does it, easy come easy go, easy money, easy way out, easy going, easy living, the easy life, et cetera. What is so good about something being easy?

“... it is the greatest of all mistakes to begin life with the expectation that it is going to be easy, or with the wish to have it so.”   (Lucy Larcom)

If something comes easily perhaps we also let it go that way?

When I read the words "Life is difficult" I realised that it offered a different perspective; If life is difficult, then when life is not difficult, those moments are not to be taken for granted, rather, they are to be treasured.

Difficulties overcome, do we not value them somehow more than those easily solved?

Hidden within difficulties are the potentials for opportunities to discover a number of different solutions.

Often when we find a solution to something straight away, we may find ourselves not investigating if perhaps there may be other possible solutions, perhaps even more suitable.

While driving to a gallery with a friend, I asked him why he was taking the long way around.

"Because I always take this route" he answered.

 "Why?" I asked to which he answered: "Because it's easier to just take the route I am used to even if it takes a bit longer."

Why do we often seek the path that offers the least resistance?

Some say we do so to conserve our energy, which may have been relevant in the old days when we were hunters and gatherers, but since nowadays most of us just go to the shops to buy whatever we need, what are we conserving our energy for?

It may be easier to buy take-away-food than to cook a meal from scratch, it may be easier to take the car than to walk to the corner shop, it may be easier to sms/facebook/email a friend than to arrange a meeting in person, it may be easier to adopt others opinions than to form one's own, it may be easier to do things the same way over and over rather than to figure out new ways, and so on, but perhaps in doing so we may lose valuable experiences?

“If you expect life to be easy, challenges will seem difficult. If you accept that challenges may occur, life will be easier.” (Rob Liano) 

Some of us are born into more difficult lives than others (wars, poverty, addictions, sicknesses, dysfunctional families, et cetera) and through necessity have to quickly learn how do deal with such the best way we can. Some of us grow strong from it, some of us less so, depending on our perspective.

If we view difficulties as opportunities for growth and valuable life experiences, then somehow those difficulties often become easier to cope with.

"It is not in the still calm of life, or the repose of a pacific station, that great characters are formed. The habits of a vigorous mind are formed in contending with difficulties." (Abigail Adams)

"Nothing that matter comes easy, nothing that's easy really matters"  but as to what that "matter" is, is up to each of us to ascertain.

Loving enough to let go.......

 

Realising that in order to save his family he must leave the country he loves, his friends and relatives, and most of what he holds dear in life; he still makes the choice to let go of what was in pursuit of what may become. His love for his family gives him the strength to be brave, and fuels his dying embers of hope.

As the ocean liner enters New York harbour, he decides to leave the past  well and truly behind and focus on what lies ahead.

“Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an ordination of character which determines the relatedness of the person to the whole world as a whole, not toward one object of love.”   (Erich Fromm)

When I had a tooth pulled out I found that my tongue kept revisiting the space where the tooth used to be although it was still tender and quite raw. I knew the tooth was no longer there and to be honest, for all the pain it had caused me, I was certainly glad to have had it removed, yet somehow my tongue kept finding its way there, prodding, touching, and reminding me that I had lost a tooth.

It seemed reminiscent to me of how at times we keep revisiting painful memories in our pasts; there is nothing that can be done about what was or what happened, yet somehow our thoughts drift back and when they do, they often affect how we feel and behave in the present.

Perhaps we keep going back over painful memories, i.e.  the past; because we are seeking to understand what happened, why it happened, and our part in what happened? Perhaps we ask ourselves if we could have done something differently that would have altered the outcome?

Whatever happened in the past we cannot alter, but the good news is that if we learn from our experiences (whether good or bad, joyful or sad) we may be able to repeat actions, thoughts, and behaviours that are life affirming and avoid such that are unhelpful and or destructive.

Perhaps we keep revisiting times (in our memory) when people let us down, or when our parents failed to support us, or when we lost our job, or when someone stood us up, et cetera? When we think of these things, how do we feel?

Not so good? Angry? Hurt?

Going back over old painful memories opens up the wounds again, yet there is nothing we can do to change what happened. What we can do is to make space for more life affirming experiences by choosing to let go of our painful memories. How? you may ask.

Forgiveness. What if it wasn't my fault? Forgiveness is not saying "It's okay what you did", rather, it is saying "I forgive you although you did what you did".  When we forgive, we clean the slate, and the best thing about it is that no one else needs to know, because it's not about others, it's about us.....loving ourselves enough to let go of that which hurt us.

“You can victimize yourself by wallowing around in your own past.”  (Wayne Dyer)

“The past should be a learning experience not an everlasting punishment. What’s done is done.”

(Unknown)

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”  (Steve Maraboli)

 

We often forgive those we love when mistakes are made, why not extend the same forgiveness to ourselves; being loving enough to ourselves to let go.....

You are not alone............

 

 

You are not alone

although

this may be how you feel.

 

You are connected

and many are the ways.

 

 Through breath;

the air you breathe

is the same air that gives breath

to all that is alive.

 

Through words;

all of us humans use words,

some sung, some written,

some read, some spoken.

 

Through our senses;

 we connect through the smell of a blossoming flower,

the sound of rolling thunder,

the taste of the sweet and the taste of the sour.

 

Through what we see;

through our eyes we have instant access

whether from near or from afar;

life unfolding; from the smallest plant to a shooting star.

 

Through being alive;

you are connected to the earth upon which you walk;

you and all creatures;

from the biggest of the big

to the smallest of the small.

 

You are not alone,

you are surrounded by life,

some of the human kind,

some of the flora and fauna kind.

(Citizen X)

 

"Humankind has not woven the web of life.

We are but one thread within it.

Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves.

All things are bound together.

All things connect." (Chief Seattle)

Is there such a thing as "normal"?

 

Many of life's "battle scars" are invisible; a cuddly teddy bear with many patches may perhaps be interpreted as a "well loved" toy, but I wonder,  are we as favourably inclined with people?

How tolerant, patient, or accepting are we of those among us who very visibly show signs of
"battle fatigue"? (People who battle with mental health issues, or any other issues that may affect their behaviour.)

"Yeah, I know he suffers with PTSD, but come on, surely that doesn't mean he can't behave like normal people?"

"Yeah, I know she lost her job, and that her car was repossessed, but surely, it can't be that hard to get another job? I mean, why doesn't she just do what normal people do, get another job, any job?"

"I heard that he has a drinking problem, but he just has to stop drinking like a mad man, and drink like normal people and he will be alright."

Yeah, I know she has some sort of anxiety problem, but why doesn't she do like normal people, suck it up and just get on with life?

"So what if he has Bipolar disorder, it's just a label anyway, if he really wanted to, he could change his behaviour and act like normal people."

Normal? Hmmmm.........

This is how the Urban Dictionary defines normal: "A word made up by this corrupt society so they could single out and attack those who are different." Normal is about as concrete as the idea of "love". The meaning is constantly evolved to suit the momentary desires and/or needs of a single person, or group of people."
Another definition is: "conforming to the standard or the common type."(dictionary.reference.com)

Wikipedia: "Definitions of normality vary by person, time, place, and situation – it changes along with changing societal standards and norms."

Perhaps, what we deem normal, keeps changing according to the changes occurring in our environment/culture/society?

The behaviours we perceive our society, friends, and family expects from us, are often instrumental in determining how appropriate (normal) we measure our own (and others) behaviours to be.

(Example: Speaking loudly and animatedly; normal in some cultures, but less so in others.

Crying in public; normal in some cultures, but less so in others.)

Understanding what we perceive to be expected from us, and what we can deliver on the other hand, may prove to be difficult. We may want to be more "social" and easy going, but if we have experienced rejection many times when we have attempted such, we may find it very difficult to overcome our past experiences; we may have healed, but we still have scars. (patches)

Feeling upset, worried, hurt, rejected, ignored, isolated, sad, lonely, disappointed, uncertain, et cetera, is common to human beings. So is feeling happy, joyful, confident, passionate, exuberant, energetic,

glad, optimistic, pleased, thankful, et cetera. Let me ask this; when we experience such feelings, is there a "normal" amount attached, and if so, who decides such?

Be sad, but not too sad, be glad, but not too glad?

Laugh out loud, but not too loud, cry for your loss, but not for too long?

Don't wear your heart on your sleeve, stiff upper lip, ol'boy....

Laughing out loud at a joke with friends, considered a normal response,

laughing at the same joke on a bus when alone, you're strange.

Crying out loud in the company of friends, often frowned upon,

crying out loud according to norm, must be done when you're all alone.

 

 “Everybody knows there is no such thing as normal. There is no black-and-white definition of normal. Normal is subjective. There's only a messy, inconsistent, silly, hopeful version of how we feel most at home in our lives.”   (Tori Spelling)

 

 “Judging others makes us blind, whereas love is illuminating. By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are.”

(Dietrich Bonhoeffer)

ATTENTION ! .... there's a crow at the door...and he wants you to listen to him.

 

There is a crow who has decided to 'communicate' with me.

And he does so very loudly (!) and at the most inopportune times.

As far as bird calls go, his, is not musical, rather, he sounds obnoxious and petulant.

"Hey, can I get some attention here!!! Now!" seems to be his message, however, I don't speak crow so maybe I am totally misunderstanding his message.

Not long ago he decided to make sure he got my attention, ....which he did by hopping up to my glass door and start to tap on it with his beak. (The sound he made, almost that of paradiddles on a snare drum.) What did he want??? And why was it so urgent?

This carried on for a week or so, and then, as suddenly as it had started, it ended.

Apparently crows are commonly associated with life mysteries, insight, mischief, audacity, fearlessness, and often, they are viewed as tricksters. (Since ancient times the crow has been used as a religious/cultural symbol.)

Then on the other hand, some view them as noisy, aggressive, ugly, and destructive birds with perhaps an unusual and often somewhat comedic, capacity for problem solving.

Since I do not speak crow, it occurred to me that perhaps I could use it as an analogy.

Perhaps the noisy, obnoxious crow could be likened to the "noisy, obnoxious" people who try to get our attention about any number of issues they consider to be of great importance.

Global warming, climate change, food shortage, increasing pollutions, an over populated planet, holes in the ozone layer, bleaching barrier reefs, melting glaciers, new strains of deadly viruses, animal species becoming extinct, languages disappearing, cultures disintegrating, starvation and yet also obesity issues, and the list goes on and on and on.

In the beginning the crow cawing loudly every morning was hard to ignore, but, strangely, when it finally stopped, I had become used to it. Are we getting so used to the "cawing" of the people warning us of how our insensitivity towards our planet is beginning to show serious effects, that we now barely notice them? We may still hear the cawing, but we no longer are affected to the extent of trying to understand the 'message'?

What we call "progress", is it so for everyone, everywhere, or does progress for some rest on the retrogression of others?

Besides, what do we mean with "progress"?

Some say, progress is when the economy grows, and the economy is said to grow when the value of a country's economic output (Gross Domestic Product=GDP) increases. (In other words, a country's income per person is increased, which is believed to indicate a "better" lifestyle.) However, one may ponder; does not the benefit of economic growth depend on "what" is growing?

(Oil spill= people get hired to fix it; a spike in employment/income for "clean-up" companies,

but fish and other creatures in the hydrosphere die and some of the resources are diminished.)

"The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have little." (Franklin D. Roosevelt)

Many voices are rising up trying to get our attention as to the impact that "progress" has on

the hydrosphere, geosphere, biosphere, and the atmosphere.

We may chose to ignore what they are saying, but in the face of increasing numbers of tsunamis, devastating droughts, life threatening floods, deadly viruses, the decimation of wild animals (of many kinds), et cetera, it becomes harder and harder to pretend that all is well with the planet. The people who are trying to get our attention, may I suggest do so because they are trying to find possibilities of minimising the impact humankind is having on the planet.

Although, perhaps it is no longer a question of how we can minimise our impact, rather, how we can intervene, and if such is the case, we may need to listen more carefully to those "obnoxious, insistent" voices (cawing) trying to get our attention.

Caw, caw, caw......

 

                            "Saving our planet, lifting people out of poverty, advancing economic growth... these are one and the same fight.

We must connect the dots between climate change, water scarcity, energy shortages, global health, food security and women's empowerment. Solutions to one problem must be solutions for all."

(Ban Ki-moon)

If the question of whether to go to war or not is never asked, then war will never be the answer.

 

He held on to his flag

bone tired, more dead than alive.

He could not sleep, nor could he eat,

even breathing, was a feat.

 

When he joined the forces, so filled with pride;

a righteous fight for all men's rights;

now long forgotten in a war worn mind

a broken body, mates left behind.

 

Still a young man according to age

but his soul .... fragmented, filled with rage.

The things he had seen, the places he'd been,

indelible nightmares, filled with screams.

 

The thought of going home, (oh, comforting thought),

steadied his nerves, made him feel strong.

Sunny blue skies, fields dressed for summer,

lightened his mood, when feeling too sombre.

 

Finally, it was confirmed,

the war was over, t'was time to return.

 

Standing at the station, waiting for their son,

a mother and a father, hand in hand.

Time moves very slowly for hearts filled with fear

but now he's coming home, soon he'll be here.

 

No words are spoken as they embrace their son,

so gaunt and solemn, he has become.

He left, the larrikin, so full of life,

returned instead, man merely alive.

 

In war, whether defeated or victorious,

the cost to human lives, copious.

All of us, someone's mother, someone's father,

someone's sister, someone's brother,

someone's  friend, someone's lover,

someone's relative, someone's partner,

someone's son, someone's daughter.

 

If the question of whether to go to war or not is never asked, then war will never be the answer.

(Citizen X)

Laugh, and the world laughs with you........

   Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977), had the ability to take everyday

situations  and turn them into comedy gold.

If you have never watched a Charlie Chaplin movie, I highly recommend you to watch a few such as The Gold Rush, City Lights, Modern Times, The Dictator, or Monsieur Verdoux. Yes, they are old, some are silent movies, most in black and white, but the stories they tell about humanity is surpassed by few in my opinion.

So, what makes something funny?

What makes us laugh?

Do we have to be happy to be able to laugh?

According to some; no. Laughter is an un(sub)conscious response, to laugh is part of the human vocabulary that needs no translation. No matter what language we speak, we all know how to laugh.

Robert Provine, a Neuro scientist and psychology professor, discovered through his research that

what we mostly laugh at in our every day lives are not "jokes", rather, our laughing, is an inherently social behaviour, and at the core, it is a form of communication.

When you watch a comedy (or whatever you consider humorous) by yourself, do you laugh as much as you would if you were watching it together with others? Do some things seem funnier when we share the experience with someone else?

Sharing laughter with others, often binds us together and in doing so, increase our sense of intimacy and feelings of happiness. Some suggest that laughter also strengthen our immune system, boost our energy levels, help us forget pains we may be enduring, and help us de-stress.

 But I guess, the biggest benefit of laughter is that it makes us feel good, and when we feel good it can often be easier to have an optimistic and positive outlook on life.

 Looking at things (life) occasionally from a humorous perspective can help us to create a "psychological distance", enabling us to feel less overwhelmed with the "goings on" in our lives.

Not always easy to do perhaps, .... some of us, live very difficult and complicated lives.

However, if laughing is an unconscious response we all share then perhaps it may be helpful to take some time out now and then to watch a comedy on TV, or a funny movie, play a silly game, read a funny book, watch the "Funny Cats" on youtube, or whatever we may find humorous.

When we laugh, our bodies release endorphins (feel good chemicals/neuro transmitters) and we can't help but feel invigorated and uplifted.

There are times when we may need to be serious and self reflective, but there are also times when we may need to be more light hearted and give ourselves the permission to just enjoy a good laugh.

Even if for just a brief moment.

 

"A person who knows how to laugh at himself, will never stop being amused." (Shirley MacClain)

"Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection."

(Jacob Smirnoff)

"Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine." (Lord Byron)

"It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the same time. Anger and laughter are mutually exclusive and you have the power to choose either." (Wayne Dyer)

Feeling sad is not always bad..........

Have you ever seen something so beautiful that it made you feel sad? Have you ever heard something so beautiful you found yourself tearful? Have you ever experienced something so joyful it made you cry? (= tears of joy)

Why does feeling sad get such a bad wrap? (I am not speaking about prolonged feelings of depression)

 Often we try to outrun our feelings of sadness, and/or keep ourselves busy in order to keep those feelings at bay.

 Joe Forgas, a prominent social psychologist who has spent a considerable amount of time studying "sadness" discovered much to his surprise that there are benefits in feeling sad at times.

Some of the benefits he found: somehow feeling a bit down/sad, improves our memory, we make less biased judgements, we detect insincerity quicker, we are less likely to engage in stereotyping, basically; we become more sensitive toward others.

No wonder he was surprised. I have often heard it said that sadness makes people selfish, introverted and antisocial, but according to Joe Forgas research, it does the opposite.

(Once again, this is not referring to depression or prolonged feelings of sadness)

Many of us at times enjoy watching sad movies, listening to sad music, read sad books/poetry, look at paintings that invoke feelings of sadness, and perhaps we do so, because those feelings can help us stay in touch with parts of ourselves that we hold very close to our chests and at times find hard to express. After the showing of "Schindlers List" finished, I could hear many people sobbing, some crying, and as beautiful music played while the credits rolled, nobody moved, nobody spoke, and the atmosphere in the movie theatre was saturated with emotion. Eventually we all left, sad, but perhaps we were also more grateful for many things, and people, in our lives.

Feeling sad, for many is viewed as a problem emotion, best avoided. However, is it possible to be happy and cheerful all the time, or to be "positive"? Can temporary feelings of sadness be abolished, more so, should they?

Perhaps we experience sadness at times because it is an important, valuable even, aspect of being a human being?

When a dear friend of mine passed away, my friends wife told me in confidence that she was not able to cry for her loss. "I want to cry, but I can't, I don't seem to be able to let it out," she told me. There is something cathartic about crying because often after a good cry, we feel better, which suggests to me that sadness rather than a "negative" expression, or a problematic emotion, can be a helpful emotion in that it may assist us in reliving some "pressure" when we are hurting.(Physically or psychologically)

"The word "happiness" would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness." (Carl Young)

Perhaps many of us wish for "happiness" to be our constant emotion/state of mind, however, unpleasant/uncomfortable/"negative" emotions are equally as crucial as pleasant/comfortable/"positive" emotions when it comes to us making sense of life's many ups and downs. Emotions, may I suggest, assist us in evaluating our experiences; good and/or bad, happy and/or sad, and so on.

Some suggest that sadness can also assist us in seeking solutions, if instead of seeking to avoid it, we learn to understand its causes and how to manage it.

(Once again, this is not referring to depression or prolonged feelings of sadness)

There can be many different reasons for why we experience feelings of sadness, but if we acknowledge those feelings rather than "gloss over" them, we may be able to find helpful ways to transform those feelings into valuable insights and a deeper sense of compassion for others when they experience sadness.

"We can't outrun sadness, because where ever we go, we bring our sadness with us."

(Citizen X)

"It doesn't hurt to be sad from time to time." (Willie Nelson)

 

"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out, also keeps out the joy." (Jim Rohn)

Is it possible to run out of love? Teddy talks.........

 

It is two days before her wedding. Suddenly she feels filled with panic. To settle her anxiousness she seeks the counsel of her best friend. "What is love? she asks her friend.

Her friend, happily married with five children looks at her and answers: "Not an easy question to answer, because I believe there are many different kinds of love."

" But what if I run out of love?"

Is it possible to run out of love?

When we are born, are each of us given a certain amount of "love" to draw from;  and every time we share (give) our love (any kind of love), we have a little less left?

If we love someone, and that someone does not feel the same way about us, is that a "waste" of love?

Is it a "waste" of love, to love a child/friend/partner caught up in self destructive behaviour?

Is it a "waste" of love to love those who do not/can not, love themselves?

So, how do I define love?

In an earlier post I wrote this: "It seems to me that we love someone when we care more about the other as he/she is, rather than who we think they should become, when we reveal ourselves honestly and vulnerably just as we offer the same for the other. We love someone when we act with patience, resilience, compassion, forgiveness, attention, and with a whole hearted commitment to their well being."

Is there only so much love to go around? For instance, some of us may find it hard to give compliments, and often our first response may be to see the "negatives" rather than the positives.

"If I would have done it, I wouldn't have done it that way...I would have done it this way..."

"You paid how much?" "Well, you were just lucky." "Wow, what made you decide to choose that...?"

(As a painter(artist) I have observed how often the first words from a viewer are words that specifies what they don't like about a painting, rather than what they do like.) Is there a "cost" involved in being exuberantly positive? "If I give you this much encouragement and positive feedback, it is going to cost me, because I will feel less positive about my own undertakings."

(If I give this much love out of my "pool" of love, there will be less love left for me.)

The word "overly" often accompany the words positive, affectionate, and optimistic, which makes me wonder if there is also "under" positive, optimistic or affectionate? How much love and affection, or positivity and optimism, ought one to dispense? If there is a "right" amount", and if so, who decides such?

Should we clutch our hearts tightly to our chests to prevent us from running out of love?

And if, and when, we offer our love, do we need to make sure that we don't give away too much of it leaving ourselves short of love for ourselves?

However, what if love is boundless?

What if dispensing: compliments, positive feedback, an optimistic view, affection, support, and or encouragement, rather than costing us something, gives us something?

In romantic love, reciprocity is very important, but in many other forms of love, it is less so.

One can love a brother or a sister, although they show little interest , one can love a cat although it seldom responds with affection, one can love a parent although he/she disapproves of every choice in life one makes, one can love a friend, although he/she never returns ones calls, one can love nature although it just is, one can love humanity, in spite of its many failings, one can love oneself although being aware of ones short comings, one can love food, although it may increase ones girth, one can love "GOD" (whichever way one perceives such) although GOD can only be accessed through faith.

The list goes on, I am sure you can think of other possibilities, for myself, I have to say that I love art in most its forms, because it sustains my soul by its sheer existence.

Someone once said: "Love is a constant, it's only the objects that change."

One of the most amazing definitions I have found on love comes from a best seller; The Bible; and it goes like this: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

This may seem like a tall order, but perhaps if we don't hold on too our hearts to tightly, we may find unexpected joys, and in life, new delights.

 

Finding the extra ordinary ......you

In 1962, The Beatles,  (John Lennon, Ringo Starr, Paul McCartney, George Harrison) became a household name when they burst on to the music scene with their song "Love Me Do". For the next eight years they composed music of such quality and depth, that many of their songs are considered "classics" on par with Mozart, Bach and other heavy weights.

Four ordinary guys from Liverpool managed to come up with a new kind of music, a new sound, with far reaching ramifications. In 1970, they broke up as a band, but their legacy, still carries on.

Ordinary people, can, and often do, do extra ordinary things.

 

Ordinary, they say,

is the common way.

Some call it normal

usually informal,

happens every day,

 quite colourless

and kinda grey.

 

Being the same,

playing the game,

nice and secure

void of allure.

And so it goes

time passes by,

until one day,

an ordinary day,

the time has come.

 

There is a shift,

you catch a whiff

of something else

a different self.

A chance to do

something new,

all it takes

is a different view.

 

The extra ordinary

hides within the ordinary,

silently waiting,

quietly anticipating,

for the time to come

for us to become,

all we can be.

 

(Citizen X)

Are you wearing tinted glasses? Teddy talks....

 

Have you heard the expression "he/she was wearing rose coloured glasses"?

If not, then let me offer a brief definition: the term is commonly used as a way of saying that someone is a bit too naïve, innocent, or overly optimistic. (Basically, for some it may be seen as an insult, although perhaps for some, it may be viewed as a compliment.)

What we "see", is often affected by our biases. Bias? A definition: Bias; a particular tendency/inclination/point of view so strongly held, that it makes it difficult to consider other possible points of view.

The tricky thing with biases is that we are not always aware of having them.

According to some research, our biases are formed very early in our childhood and they can become so deeply ingrained in our minds that they become  virtually "invisible" to us.

To make the biases "visible" to us, it can be very helpful to ask ourselves: why do I hold this view? how did I come to hold this view? is this view founded on my own experiences? is there perhaps another way to view this?

Am I wearing any kind of "glasses" through which I view the world?

As an experiment, why not try this: Sunglasses have different coloured tints that vary from yellow, orange, green, brown, blue, and variations thereof. Try different colours and ascertain if the different colours affect the "mood" of your impression of what you see.

(Often we tend to have a preference as to which tint we feel most comfortable with and in my case, I prefer the brownish tints. What is yours?)

If there are "rose-coloured" glasses, perhaps there are also "gloom-coloured" glasses?

If someone wearing rose-coloured glasses is overly optimistic, perhaps someone wearing gloom-coloured glasses is overly pessimistic?

When my son was going through a particularly difficult period in his life, he would phone me all hours of the night, drunk, distraught, angry, sad, and often times, incoherent. This happened so often that I began to have anxieties connected to the sound of a phone ringing; any phone, anywhere, anytime. The sound of a phone ringing became synonymous with some form of disaster, suffering, and unmitigated fear; I donned (put on) the gloom-coloured glasses. Wearing those glasses on and off eventually led to me wearing them all the time, although by this stage, I was no longer aware of doing so.

At times, we can get so used to thinking along particular lines that we may find it hard to even entertain the possibility that there may be other possible lines of thinking. Our way of viewing something a particular way, becomes "the truth";  blue tinted glasses only offer the right light.

(Which can be tricky when it comes to getting along with others who may be wearing orange, green, brown or even rose-tinted glasses.)

Becoming aware of that we perhaps view the world, our experiences, through "filters" (tinted glasses) can be helpful, because we then have the opportunity to choose to affect a change.

We can try different "tints"; if I am more optimistic, how does my situation look then? ... if I consider another way of interpreting what person xxx said, how will I feel then?.... if I choose another way of responding to zzz, what will happen then? .... are there other ways of viewing this?.... et cetera.

What if we don't want to change, what if we are happy sticking with our gloom-tinted glasses?

Then gloom is what we will see.

And if we are happy sticking with rose-coloured glasses?

Optimism, hope, and opportunity is what we will see.

 

“The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.” (Robertson Davies)

 

 

Forgiveness...."To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."

 

The first beams of golden light slithers through the drawn blinds.

Eventually the beams find their way across her face. Their gentle warmth nudge her eyelids open.

Ekaterina startles. Once again she had fallen asleep in the chair by the window.

The room is filled with light and gone are the beasts of the night.

An alarm clock suddenly breaks the silence. Ekaterina rubs her sore feet, then slowly walks to her bedroom to turn off the angry sounding alarm clock.

To ease the pain in her aching body and make it possible for her to go to work, she decides to have a long, hot, shower.

The hot water sends shivers through her body but the pain remains.

With shaking fingers she touches the scars running up and down her arms, legs, and torso. Years have gone by since the assault, but the pain from the scars often remind her of the nightmare that once was her life. When the war had begun, she was a fourteen year old girl with hopes and dreams of becoming a professional ballet dancer, but when it ended, she was an old soul with broken dreams, a broken family, a broken heart, and a broken body.

She was still preoccupied with perfecting the 'pas the deux' when her brothers joined up, and when her father disappeared night after night to secret meetings, she stayed at home with her mother sewing costumes. For her, the war was inconvenient, but somewhat unreal, until the bombs started to fall and people disappear. First Dejan, then Goran, then her father. Food became scarce, her mother would leave at dawn to stand in line for a piece of bread, some potatoes, and a cup of milk. Ekaterina watched the light in her mother's eyes slowly die, as days, weeks, months, went by. On her sixteen's birthday, they were given the news, that her father and brothers, had been found dead in a shallow grave; all shot in the back of their heads.

Her mother's heart, fell apart, and soon she was gone, and Ekaterina was left on her own. She decided to leave, to run away, to find some peace, somewhere safe to stay. Then one night she packed a small bag, some morsels of food, some clothes to wear, and wrapped up in satin, her most beloved possession; her ballet shoes.

She was only a few kilometres from the border, when she run out of luck, she was spotted by a soldier from the back of a truck. Before she knew it, she was on her back, and one by one, they took turns, in defiling her body, and hitting her with their guns. Barely conscious, she realised that the worst was yet to come, she saw a big knife on top of a gun. He cut her arms, he cut her legs, he cut her feet, he cut her chest. She should have died, but death was denied, she woke three days later, a nurse by her side. A kind old shepherd minding his flock, found Ekaterina half dead and in a state of shock. On his back he carried her across the border, found a hospital to look after her to help her recover.

One year later, it was time for her to leave, to find new life, pastures green.

She settled in a city, not too big not too small,

with many ballet venues and concert halls. She found a job and a place to live,

made some friends, and decided to forgive.

Ekaterina carefully dries herself, then gets dressed. She swallows two pain killers, ties her hair in a bun, and turns on the radio. The small flat fills with music and Ekaterina gently begins to dance.

 When she decided to forgive the soldiers who assaulted her, a burden lifted and she found the desire to dance again. Although the scars on her feet still cause some pain, when she dances, she feels no pain at all.

"Soon, Mama, soon, I will be able to dance joyfully again," she whispers as she gracefully dances across the sunlit floor.

 

"When we forgive, we set ourselves free regardless of ...."

 

"Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, nor does it mean that you've given the message that what someone did was okay. It just means that you've let go of the anger or guilt towards someone, or towards yourself."

"Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning." (Desmond Tutu)

"When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future."

(Bernard Meltzer)

 

Friendship.....what does it mean to you?

A friend is someone who stays with you regardless of the weather.
A friend is someone who supports you, when you're at the end of your tether.
A friend is someone who will desert you,... never.

A friend is someone who treats you with respect,
inspite of flaws and being less than perfect.
A friend is someone who knows when to listen,
and when to offer, some gentle friction.

A friend is someone with whom you feel at ease,
warts and all, no need to appease.
A friend is someone who stays in touch,
has you on speed-dial, (or .. some such).

A friend is someone who calls when running late,
or if for some reason, have to break a date.
A friend is someone who stands by your side
when things fall apart and you're caught in a tide.

A friend is someone who openly shares,
concerns and worries, life's many cares.
A friend is someone who offers you honesty,
steadfastness, and utmost, loyalty.

On the list of things, of what a friend ought to be,
perhaps it may be prudent to ask: Is this true, true of me?
Am I such a friend, a friend like this?
I hope that I am, and you wont find me remiss.


"A good way to find a friend, is to become one."

(Citizen X)

 

Who am I ?.......on finding "me"...

 

"Tell me something, what do you mean with you have find yourself, do you mean that you somehow "lost" yourself, and now you need to find yourself again?" asked Linda's grand mother.

"Well, when you put it that way, it sounds kind of silly, but yes, I feel as if I don't really know who I am, what I stand for, or what I believe in," Linda answered.

"Did you use to know these things then?"

"Yes, I used to be very sure of who I was and what I believed in".

"So why do you now feel as if you are lost?"

"I don't know, but recently I have started to question myself. I mean, why do I hold the views that I do? Are they truly my own views, or are they hand-me-down views that I have picked up along the way? I feel lost I guess, because I am no longer sure of who the real me is."

"Is there such a thing as a "real" you then?"

"That's the thing, I don't know. Things happen, and suddenly I find myself doing things I don't want to do, and not doing the things I want to do. It's like there is a war going on inside of me between a "real" and "false" me."

"How is the "false" you different to the "real" you?

"Well, the "real" me wants to be kind, hard working, fair, patient, understanding, wise, supportive, loving, fun, loyal and so on, but often that other "false" me shows up instead. That "me" gets irritated, impatient, jealous, envious, competitive, angry, .......basically not a very nice person at all".

"Being a nice person is important to you?"

"Yes, I want people to think well of me."

"Why is it important for you that other people think well of you?"

"See, that's another struggle I have. I want people to like me, but I also want to stand by my principles, and sometimes those things clash."

"What do you usually do when they clash?"

"It depends I guess. If sticking up for my principles will cause a loss of some kind, like a friend, or a job, or cause friction in my family, then I often choose to ignore my principles and go with the flow.

I mean, people are more important than principles aren't they?

"Are people more important than principles?

Perhaps that is a principle for you; people are more important than principles?"

"Well, I have relationships with people, but not with principles."

"Yes, but the kind of relationships you have with people depends to a great extent on your principles."

"Hmmm....so I guess it is important for me to be really clear about what my belief system and guiding life principles are? Do they make up the core of who I am perhaps?"

"In my opinion, they certainly play an important role. However, life is not static and you may encounter experiences in life that may cause you to question your belief system and guiding life principles. At times  you may even find that you may need to revise or even change them."

"So, my sense of who I am is not static? It keeps changing?

I am neither "lost" or "found", I am both, I am neither my "real" or my "false" self, I am both?

"Well, Linda, I am a mother, a grand-mother, a woman, a wife, a human being, a cook, a gardener; yet my experience of me is that of one "me" with many aspects."

"Is who I am the same as what I do?

"Part of who you are, is what you do, just like part of what you do is part of who you are.

What you think you are, you become."

"Will I ever really know for sure who I am, Grandma?

"Knowing what kind of human being you want to be is a very good start, Linda,

and if you find yourself falling short of being the kind of person you want to be, you can always make a change. As Vera Nazarian wrote: "Sometimes, being true to yourself means changing your mind. Self changes, and you follow."

 

(About the painting: This is a piece that came about while I was teaching a student to paint.)

 

On feeling helpless........

One by one the baby turtles were snapped up by predators. Hundreds were decimated to a few. A bystander watching a woman assisting the baby turtles by gently carrying them one by one to the ocean, walked up to the woman and asked: "What's the point of what you are doing, what difference does it make if you rescue a few of these turtles?" The woman turned around and looked at the man and then answered: "Well, it makes a big difference to this little one"  then she walked to the water where she released the baby turtle.

Have you ever experienced times in your life when you have felt helpless? "Hmmm...helpless in what way?" you may ask. While shifting a piano with a friend I suddenly lost my grip and the piano came crashing down on my left foot.....no matter how hard I tried I couldn't lift it...I was helpless...until my friend came around to my end of the piano and helped me lift it off my foot.  I recently had a conversation with a friend who told me that he felt utterly helpless to change the situation he was in, and due to his feelings of helplessness, he felt depressed.

Physical helplessness may be quickly fixed with an influx of physical strength/help, but what about emotional helplessness?

First I looked up: Helpless = unable to help oneself/others...or = lacking support, or = powerless, or = defenseless, or = weak/dependent....the more definitions I looked up the more puzzled I became...was there a slight twinge of disapprovement hidden in the definitions?

Next I searched for "emotional helplessness"......lo and behold, more bewilderment.

Attached to the word "emotional helplessness" very often was the word "learned".

This led me to ponder what different kinds of experiencing "emotional helplessness" there were; so there is "learned emotional helplessness", but what about "circumstantial emotional helplessness" or "adapted emotional helplessness", or just plain "I-feel-so-emotionally-overwhelmed-right-now-that-I-feel-helpless-to-affect-any-change" emotional helplessness"?

Is being emotionally competent a "natural/common" state of being/behaviour and so any deviations from such becomes "learned"?

Hmmm...........

Perhaps we can learn to become "emotionally competent" even though we may struggle with feelings of helplessness?

Are there some steps one can take to overcome feelings of helplessness?

I believe there are.

My suggestions are as follows: What are the issues over which you feel helpless? At times being able to define the issues clearly and precisely can help us establish what we know to be true compared to what we believe to be true. (Being told by a trusted doctor that you have "xxx-disorder" is different to believing that you do because your dad did.)

Share your concerns with someone; getting a different perspective can be very useful/helpful.

At times it can be easy to get stuck in a pessimistic loop when we feel helpless; sharing our concerns with someone with an optimistic disposition may assist us in entertaining new possibilities.

For some people it can be helpful to set goals.

"Of the issues that I find problematic, are there perhaps some that I can do something about?

What do I need to do to affect change?"

Sometimes even the smallest of successes make a big difference in achieving a sense of hope and empowerment.

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." (Francis of Assisi)

Strange though it may seem, when we shoulder the responsibility for our own lives,

an amazing sense of empowerment often follows.

 

“Don't be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.”

(Rumi)

 

Many voices when in harmony makes a choir......

During my last few years of high school, I belonged to a choir.

I can't really remember how or why I joined a choir since I didn't really like singing and I couldn't read music, but joined, I did. (How I passed the audition, is still a mystery to me.)

It was a motley crew of people from many different backgrounds, but what was quickly apparent to me, was that they all seemed very dedicated to this choir.

When the conductor raised his baton (conductors stick), forgotten were the differing views on religion, politics, moral dilemmas, whether Jimi Hendrix were a better guitarist than Eric Clapton, or Yoko Ono destroyed the Beatles. Once the baton was raised, all that mattered, was the music.

I was amazed at the transition from a cacophony of people arguing and debating to in an instant becoming the harmonious sound of a choir.

My conclusion was, that there was one thing that was more important than anything else; the love of making wonderful music, together.

The algorithm (formula for solving a problem) for the choir, was the music.

If mass media is to be believed, then it occurs to me that mankind better come up with a new algorithm for peaceful co-existence, because whatever algorithm we are currently using, is obviously not working.

But why care?

With everything going on all over the planet, what difference does it make if we care?

May I suggest that because of the ripple effect, and because the world is an interconnected system, it makes a difference when we care.

Expanding on Edmund Burke's words: "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing".

Evil?

Some of us don't adhere to that term. Okay, perhaps expressed differently: "All that is necessary for injustice to triumph, is for righteous people to do nothing." Or: "All that is necessary for indifference to triumph, is for people to not care." Or: "All that is necessary for apathy to triumph, is for people to abandon hope."

Have you heard of the Butterfly Effect? (The term not the movie) The Butterfly Effect is "the idea, used in chaos theory, that a very small difference in the initial state of a physical system can make a significant difference to the state at some later time ".

Put another way: A small change can end up being a big change.

Consider the "Power of One", some examples: Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi, Lord Buddha, Jesus Christ, William Shakespeare, Socrates, Charles Darwin, Isaac Newton, Marcus Aurelius, ......and so on.

"Never believe that a few caring people cannot change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." (Margret Mead)

In the face of  24/7 reports of wars, atrocities, famines, poverty, crimes, natural disasters, et cetera

it can be tempting to apply the "It's all too much" algorithm, and according to research, human beings find it easier to become emotionally involved with the fate of one missing child in their own home town than 3.000 children in peril "somewhere over there".

Another algorithm is: "If I ignore it, it will go away."

(Climate change? What climate change?)

If we are not directly affected by natural disasters, economic down turns, pandemics, growing unrest and political upheavals, it is possible to ignore such....however, if the Butterfly Effect Theory is correct, then whether we like it or not, we will be affected.

The population on this planet consists of many "voices", but perhaps it would do all of us some good if we could find a way to put aside our many differences and started to focus more of our attention on what we have in common, and how we can create "harmony" rather than dissonance, together?

 

"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world." (Jack Layton)

 

(About the image: The reason I have chosen to use bears rather than humans, is that I am cautious as to not offend any peoples. The bears are symbolic representations.)

Parents and children.......

We are all someone's child,

and some of us,

are someone's parent.

 

From the moment my son was born,

not a moment has passed,

when I was not aware of his existence.

 

The love that comes with being a parent,

is equal to none.

Every fibre, every heartbeat, 

 the very last pore,

is ones own,.... no more.

 

When my child is happy, I soar,

when my child is hurting, I bleed from every pore,

when my child despairs, I am anxious to the core.

 

The instinct to protect,

to offer cover from life's darts

so very persuasive

when his dreams fall apart.

 

If my child's heart is broken,

from pain unspoken,

what do I have to offer

but an endless supply

of love, unconditional in design.

 

For me there will never be a time,

when I will desert this child of mine,

I'll be his shelter in the storm,

his friend when he feels low.

 

He shares my heart, he shares my soul,

he owns his heart, he owns his soul,

and though my child he well may be,

to know himself, he must be free.

 

To learn to cope with fiery darts and broken hearts,

life must be lived with all its parts,

to learn to grow, how to be strong

one cannot quit when things go wrong.

 

When the bough breaks and the skies turn grey,

a parents lot is to show the way,

how to find the crack where the light shines through

and what to do when one's feeling blue.

 

To learn to be selfless, patient, and kind

a good way of learning

is to love a child.

How to open your mind................make a paradigm shift

 

"But where is the film? they asked the man when he was trying to show them a new photographic technique. "And you don't use either a developer or a darkroom? Well, how can this be photography then?" they asked. What the man was trying to show them was electrostatic photography; also known as xerography; but since their paradigm (model) of what photography was did not recognise this mans invention, they rejected it. Chester Carlson, the inventor, was rejected many times before he was successful. (Xerography is used in most photocopying machines as well as in laser and LED printers which today is a multi billion dollar industry.)

So what is a paradigm? One definition is: " A shared
set of assumptions that have to do with how we perceive the world.
Paradigms can be very helpful because they allow us to develop expectations
about what will probably occur based on these assumptions." But what if we discover data/information that falls outside of our paradigms? Often we just don't see and or accept it, and this is called the "paradigm effect". Take it one step further to where we don't even recognise or are aware of that we are guided by our paradigms, and we may end up with "paradigm paralysis".

And this is important why?

Paradigm paralysis prevents us from seeing beyond our current models of thinking.

("If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got.")

If we hold the view that all unemployed people are lazy and don't want to work, then we are probably not going to recognise those who are unemployed for a multitude of different reasons and none to do with laziness. Paradigm> unemployed people are lazy.

If we hold the view that rich people are rich because they work hard and so deserve it, and poor people are poor because they don't work hard and so deserve to be poor, then our working paradigm may be > you get what you deserve.

These paradigms may work until......we get sacked from our jobs due to an economic downturn and find ourselves struggling to pay our bills, and, struggling to keep poverty at bay we may come to the conclusion that nobody deserves to be poor; > a paradigm shift.

There are religious paradigms, theoretical paradigms, scientific paradigms, social paradigms, and technical paradigms (just to mention a few), and they vary from culture to culture.

As I am writing this, one news report of war and conflict after the other, flashes on the TV screen.  Paradigm clash after paradigm clash, resulting in serious conflicts, innocent people dying and causing irreparable damage to structure, culture and nature.

Are we in the grips of a global paradigm paralysis? If so, for the sake of all mankind, is it not possible that we could re-examine our paradigms and break our paralysis? Perhaps we are due for a few paradigm shifts?

Throughout history there has been many paradigm shifts (a change of basic assumptions); "The transition in cosmology from a Ptolemaic Cosmology to a Copernican one, The acceptance of the Theory of Biogenesis; that all life comes from life, as opposed to the theory of spontaneous generation, which began in the 17th century and was not complete until the 19th century with Louis Pasteur. The development of quantum mechanics, which replaced classical mechanics at microscopic scales. The movement known as the Cognitive Revolution, away from Behaviourist approaches to psychological study and the acceptance of cognition as central to studying human behaviour. The acceptance of Lavoisier's theory of chemical reactions and combustion in place of phlogiston theory, known as the Chemical Revolution." (Wikipedia)

An earful I know, yet there are so many more.

Dealing with uncertainty and changing paradigms, although unsettling, also bears good fruit; we learn, we discover, and we invent new ways, new things, new thoughts.

Perhaps we want to hang on to our paradigms, belief systems, views, because it feels safer, but may I suggest we ponder this: An open mind allows us to experience new (different) ideas, new (different) thoughts, new (different) ways of seeing things, and an open mind is often conducive to positive change.

Our paradigms may perhaps be hidden to us, yet they are intrinsic to our mental processes. Often we only discover them when we try to communicate with someone with differing paradigms.

But the good thing is, we can make a paradigm shift whenever we like.

 

"We need to develop and disseminate an entirely new paradigm and practice of collaboration that supersedes the traditional silos that have divided governments, philanthropies and private enterprises for decades and replace it with networks of partnerships working together to create a globally prosperous society." (Simon Mainwaring)

 

(About the image: What do you see?

It is a close-up contraption for kids to play in.)