Somewhere in our minds we have inner voices
that tells us what we should or shouldn't do, believe
or not believe, trust or not trust, but according to
those in the know....if asked, most of us would
find it hard to specify where all those voices
come from.
According to Alain De Botton, a British philosopher,
those voices are an internalization of the voices of people
who were once ''outside'' of us.
Imperceptibly, unknowingly however,
we have somehow made them our own.
Some of those voices ''live'' in our conscious mind,
but many more live in our subconscious mind.
A bit like an iceberg: what we ''see''(conscious) is only
a small portion of what is hidden beneath
the water. (Subconscious)
Have you ever used the phrase: I shouldn't....xyz?
Or: ''They shouldn't ....xyz?
Or "You, I, they should.......xyz?
Have you ever asked yourself where the inner voice
telling you what you ''shouldn't'' or ''should'' do
comes from?
When my son suddenly transformed from a basket ball
and skater kid into a goth, there was no end to the
advice that I was given by people telling me that I ''should''
tell him to ''snap out of it'' or leave.
I was told that I shouldn't be so soft, I should show him who
the boss was.
Agonizing over what to do, I decided to try understanding.
What did being a goth mean to my son, what did the
music he listened to give to him, and how did dressing in
all black and wearing black nail polish make him feel?
My solution was to
push away all my own and others shoulds and shouldn'ts
and focus on just being there for my son.
In hindsight, I believe that that experience alerted me
to the many critical and judgmental voices that resided
and still reside, within me.
In conversation with a friend I suggested to him that
perhaps much of our shoulds and shouldn'ts are based
on mental shortcuts formed on opinions not based
on critical observation, self-reflection and analysis.
He disagreed and a long discussion on biases ensued.
Wanting to further my understanding of biases
I discovered that there is something called Cognitive
Biases* and that it is something that comes with
being a human being.
*Cognitive Bias is a systematic error in thinking
that affects how we process information, how we
perceive others and ourselves, and how we make decisions.
Bias: Basically, an understanding and observation of something
impaired by inclinations toward a preferred outcome
and a disregard toward information that contradicts
that preference.
''The eyes sees only what the mind
is prepared to comprehend.''
(Robertson Davis)
In conclusion:
I have found it helpful to ask myself
''says who?'' if I find myself making snap judgements
rather than considering a number of different
possibilities.
Especially if one of my inner critics keep telling me
what I should or shouldn't do that carries with it
negative consequences rather than positive ones.
(Negative as in pessimistic, positive as in
life-affirming)
''The vast majority of ideas we have
about ''should'' and ''shouldn't'' come from
other people.
We adopt them but they are not ''ours''.
We have not really questioned them
so as to come to our own truth about them.
We just swallow them regardless whether
they reflect our personal truth or not.''
(Teal Swan)
about the images: Iceberg, water colour on paper
Drag queen, acrylic on large canvas
