Is ignorance really bliss? ......you be the judge

  (This painting is called: Behind the eyelids)
 

Close your eyes.

Now open them. What did you see?

(I realise that this is a strange request since usually when we close our eyes we regard that as not 'seeing'.)

I have found that if I have been in bright sunshine and then close my eyes,

whitish blobs float around on top of different and interchanging coloured backgrounds.

 

In the song "Strawberry Fields Forever" written by John Lennon, John penned these words: 'living is easy with eyes closed'. For me, that line is one of John's most profound and insightful lines of lyrics, but what does it mean?

Some suggest that it could mean living a life of denial; as in not seeing what one doesn't want to see, or some say its living a life of unawareness; according to Buddhist philosophy 'ignorance is bliss.'

The trouble with seeing things; traumatic things, scary things, difficult things, etc.. is that it can be very hard to "un-see" those things.

Some things we see that are troubling to us, can be very hard to forget even if we try very hard. According to Laurence Patihis: "The way memory works for arousing stimuli, such as disturbing footage of a police shooting or of a war scene, is that the emotional arousal primes the memory for strong consolidation, and then the epinephrine and other excitatory neurotransmitters strengthen the consolidation over a period of minutes, hours, and days. All of this is out of our conscious control."

Time helps a memory to fade, but the nature of seeing disturbing things is that those images although pushed deep into our subconscious, often has a tendency to "pop" up unexpectedly. A smell, a sound, anything connected even so slightly with that disturbing visual can become a trigger and before we know it, the visual we are trying so hard to forget is right before us. (Whether we have our eyes open or not, we "see" it.)

Besides seeing with our eyes (eyesight), we also use the word "see" to mean something totally different as in understanding something: "I see what you mean...see it from my point of view....you're not getting what I see....that's not how I see it..." and so on.

Was John Lennon right? Are many of us living with our "eyes" closed?

Is ignorance bliss?

As far as I can ascertain, that very much depends on the individual.

After reading "Flowers for Algernon", a book by Daniel Keyes, it seemed to me that he was suggesting that sometimes ignorance can be bliss. (For info on the synopsis, Google it perhaps?)

Just like it is hard to un-see what we have seen, I believe it is also hard to un-know what we know.

A dark spot on the skin may send some of us quick smart to the doctor whereas some of us may push it aside with a "it's probably nothing". I think perhaps John Lennon was right; it is probably easier to live with eyes closed, as in filtering out undesirable information, but this may only work if the information can be kept at bay. Once that dark spot changes, grows or starts to itch, ignoring or not seeing it, may become difficult.

On the other hand; ignorance may be bliss when it comes to knowing some things.

Personally, I prefer not to know all the things that can go wrong with an airplane when I am about to embark on a  24 hour flight overseas, I also prefer not to know about all the things that can go wrong with a car, the toaster, the TV, the computer, the phone, etc....well, you get what I mean. Too much information and knowledge can be quite a burden for some of us, but exactly what constitutes "too much" seems to me to be a very individual matter.

One may be uninterested in politics, but when political decisions are made that directly affects one's life, it is harder to stay ignorant. One may be uninterested in religion, but when acts by religious people directly affects one's life, it is harder to stay ignorant. One may be uninterested in climate change, but when one's home is swept away in a flood, tsunami or tornado unexpectedly, it is harder to stay ignorant. One may be uninterested in "psycho-babble", but if a loved one suddenly developed mental health issues, it would probably be harder to stay ignorant.

(Ignorance=uninformed, lacking knowledge)

When you eat a sausage (if you eat them), do you really want to know what's in it?

If someone you have been very close to suddenly seems to avoid contact, would you not want to know why?

When you drive your car, do you really want to know how a combustion engine works or do you just want it to take you from A to B?

If your partner comes home from work/study/etc. every night in a bad mood, would you not want to know why?

It occurs to me that with seeing and knowing, often comes a sense of responsibility of some kind: "Knowing xxx...should I not be taking some form of action, say something, or get involved in some way?" Not seeing and or knowing relieves us from that...and I wonder if perhaps this may be what John Lennon was referring to when he wrote: "living is easy with eyes closed".

On the other hand, being "blind" has its drawbacks too.......

 

"The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don't know anything about. (Wayne Dyer)

 

ps: In my view, a helpful thing one can do if one is troubled with "flashbacks" of troublesome things one has seen, can be to replace those images with positive, happy and peaceful images. I know from personal experience that it is not an easy thing to do, but I encourage you to give it a try.

(However, if your flashbacks are interfering with your quality of life, may I suggest that you seek out a health professional.)

Closure.....door shut or a door ajar?

 

(Usually I write a new post every Monday, but the last few weeks have been very difficult so I have found it hard to sit down and peacefully write a post. Alas, I will now try to collect my thoughts and write something....hopefully something you may enjoy.)

 

 

The sun was setting over the city throwing a tangerine tint on the rooftops, glass windows, and the many steel structures. After having spent the last two hours speaking virtually non-stop, their conversation started to wane with more and more empty minutes inserting themselves between words.

In the kitchen the café staff were busy preparing tomorrow's menu, and bar the occasional laughter, the coffee shop was draped with a coat of stillness.

Playing idly with a spoon while slowly sipping his lukewarm coffee, he decided to say something.

"So, what's your opinion on the commonly used term 'closure'?

She turned her head to the left, tilted it slightly, and as if there was an invisible screen in the top left corner, she kept staring at that corner for what seemed to him to be ages before she answered.

"Hmmm, let me see....if by closure you mean a closed door, or a 'full stop', then no, I find it hard to believe that us humans are able to shut the door absolutely on anything that we have experienced.

I have a feeling that for most of us, the door between what was and what is to come is always slightly ajar."

He looked at her quizzically, stroked his short beard, then asked: "So, closure is more like a 'comma' than a 'full stop' then?

A wry smile spread across her face.

"I guess one could say that....like chapters in a book....... the story continues....and like a snowball picks up more snow as it rolls down the hill, we pick up and add more experiences as our lives keep evolving."

He sat silent for a minute stroking his beard then let out a huh before he spoke:

"For me closure means 'letting go'. I mean, something ends and to move forward one has to let go.

Like when my wife and I finally signed the divorce papers...that was a full stop for me."

"And is it still a full stop?" she asked.

"Well, thinking about it from your perspective, perhaps it is more of a comma than a full stop. A lot of the experiences I shared with my ex are still with me I guess... Let me see now, the experiences we have teach us things, yeah? So although the relationship is over, what stays with us is what we have learnt from those experiences and that's why a comma and not a full stop?" said the man.

"Well, that's how I see it anyway. The word 'closure' is bandied about quite often and like with many other ambiguous terms, I have a feeling that our definition of closure is a very individual and personal one", she said and smiled then continued ....."so how does one find closure for things for which there may be no easy answer?"

"Such as what?" he quickly retorted.

"Soldiers missing in action, children born with all sorts of fatal illnesses, unexpected natural disasters, accidents, people suddenly 'falling out' of love, to mention a few. How do the parents of a soldier find closure when he/she is missing presumed dead? How do we find closure to our traumatic childhoods, or feelings of guilt for things we've said or done in the past we now regret, or the loss of someone we loved dearly?"

"Hmmmm.....not sure, do you have any suggestions?" he asked suddenly realising that he was no longer really sure that he himself knew what his definition of closure was.

"Well, I agree with you that 'letting go' is probably an important aspect of closure, but how one goes about doing so is perhaps a very individual thing. Each of us may have to define for ourselves what closure would entail, but I think we may all have to begin with some self-reflection," said the woman.

"And with that you mean...?" he asked.

"Assessing yourself, your actions, your character, your behaviour, your thoughts, and so on...basically put, exercising some introspection" she answered and then continued: "for me, closure begins with me seriously wanting to let go of something that hurts, which means not hoping and waiting for someone else to fix it, rather, the responsibility for the letting go is squarely up to me. Next, I try to look for positive outcomes that I hope will come from letting go as in; how things will change in a positive and life affirming way, but if there is sadness involved with the closure, then I allow myself to feel sad for however long time it takes rather than deny those feelings. Bearing in mind however, to make sure that I am not getting stuck in the sadness. My brother was a soldier who was declared 'missing in action presumed dead' and because there was no absolute certainty, for years we all clung to the hope that he would be found alive. Eventually I could no longer cope with the uncertainty so I decided to find some closure regardless. I decided that until he actually showed up in person, he was dead which made it possible for me to finally grieve and eventually let him go. Leaving the door ajar, I guess you could say", she said and smiled.

After she spoke those last words none of them said anything for a long time.

Only when one of the waitresses came out from the kitchen and told them that they were closing did the man and the woman stir. They paid their bill and walked out into the night.

"Before you go your way and I go mine, can I just ask one more thing? said the man.

"Sure" the woman answered.

"The way you see it, closure is not an absolute event, because our experiences remain with us and perhaps keep affecting us in different ways even after we have "closed the book"? Or, put another way; the "door "is never totally shut, but rather ajar because the past affects the future in one way or another?"

"Sure, why not? Anyway, I must dash. Nice talking with you, take care."

And with that she walked away.

The man turned up his coat collar, took at deep breath and with a smile on his face started his long walk home.

 

“...closure, that impossible thing that no one had ever experienced in life, because there always seemed to be a little aperture, a slit of light.” (Meg Wolitzer)

Love....and the heart....

 

 

Be careful with my heart,

if I may so request,

hearts are very fragile,

so easily distressed.

 

Be careful with my heart,

I bruise so easily.

Be not fooled by my laugh,

see, I cry in secrecy.

 

Be careful with my heart,

though I wear it on my sleeve,

I do so play my part,

but in silence I still grieve.

 

Be careful with my heart,

no matter how I smile,

hidden from the lights,

my troubles for awhile.

 

Be careful with my heart,

though I seem quite uneffaced,

it is a mere mask,

for years I have embraced.

 

Be careful with my heart,

although I may seem strong,

in my soul at times quite dark,

 sings a melancholic song.

 

Be careful with my heart,

as I will be with yours,

hearts are meant for loving,

and not for cruel wars.

(Citizen Z)

 



The bane of bullying..........

 

According to some statistics, 80 % of us have experienced some form of bullying during our school years. (It may be different in some cultures)

But before I go on, let me offer my definition of bullying: "deliberately being cruel to someone, and or a group of people, for any reason, using whatever means", .....and, in my view,...

the responsibility for the bullying behaviour rests solely with the bully.

Being the victim of bullying can have devastating, long-lasting effects, effects that the victim can struggle with from early childhood to late adulthood. Bullying does not only take place in schools however, but also in homes, workplaces, institutions such as the police force, the military, teaching institutions, actually, to make a long list short:....it seems it takes place almost anywhere where groups of humans congregate.

(Some say: "bullies are not born, they are made" which I take to mean that a bully is someone who is or has been bullied themselves.)

Why does someone become a bully? Some suggestions: there may be self-esteem issues, personality issues, and issues with understanding emotions, how they function, and how to control them.

A bullies thought processes and emotional reactions, some say, differ greatly to non-bullying persons.

Often they have a rather negative interpersonal view and easily misinterpret others behaviour towards them, often with the result of an emotional "flare up". (hostility, anger)

Sadly, those who are childhood bullies, commonly enough go on to become bullies as adults.

Although, as adults, they are not perhaps as overt as child-bullies.

Examples: "Can't you take a joke?....OH, don't be so sensitive.......Just grow a pair......Don't be such a sissy........I'm the boss, just do as I tell you.......Get over it......What's the matter, can't you take a little criticism?....etc. etc....."  When working in a warehouse, the bullying went so far that they fiddled with the steering wheel in my car and I almost crashed it on the way home from work one day. When I confronted the perpetrators the next day they laughed and said: "What? Can't to you take a joke?"

They also lied, stole things from me, spread rumours, not to mention all the insidious and hurtful remarks they made to me constantly. Although the ringleader was the warehouse manager, the others went along.... scared that if they didn't, they would lose their jobs..... I guess.

Which brings me to this: "In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." (Martin Luther King Jr.)

For me, what hurt the most was not the bullying that the warehouse manager inflicted, rather, what was upsetting me the most was that my work "mates"  played along.... yet behind the managers back, they constantly complained to me how awful he was at his job.

When we are bystanders we are sending the message that the bullying is okay, and so it continues.

It seems to me, that a bully loves an audience, and when we remain silent while someone is being bullied, we empower the bully. Standing up to a bully is understandably scary....they are bullies because they are good at saying and doing things that are hurtful, cruel and intimidating.

Perhaps you have found yourself in a situation in which someone was being bullied? 

What were your thoughts?

"It's none of my business.......I don't want to get involved......Why should I say something, nobody else is....... Why doesn't he/she stand up for herself?... If I say something the bully will just turn on me, and I don't want to deal with that..."

Or perhaps you thought: "Right, I hate bullies so I am gonna have a say.....Looks like he/she could do with a friend, I better say /do something.......I believe in helping the underdog, better do something.....etc. etc."

Or perhaps in such a situation you would just walk away?

Some say that the best way to deal with a bully is to ignore him/her.

I am not sure that it is the best way, but it certainly is one way.

Sometimes that is not an option however.....some bullies just try that bit harder to intimidate their target and being ignored may be experienced by him/her as an extra incentive, a challenge to meet.

For a long time I "ignored" the warehouse manager's intimidation and constant snide remarks, but eventually I found myself having troubles falling asleep at night, knowing that the next day it would all start up again.  Gnawing at me, was the feeling that somehow by not responding, I was letting myself down. I abhor bullying, and having experienced it through most of my school years, I finally decided to make a stand, come what may. I decided to take my "power" back, made an appointment to see the company boss, and then without compromising my principles on what constitutes being a decent human being, I quit with the words: "don't ever mistake kindness for weakness".

If you are being bullied, may I suggest that you address it, but be assertive, not aggressive. If you see someone else being bullied, may I suggest that you address it, but be assertive, not aggressive. If you think that perhaps you are a bully, may I suggest that you address it.

There is perhaps a positive aspect to dealing with bullying as an adult as opposed to being a child;

you have more life experience and you can chose if you want to confront it, walk away from it, or ignore it, .....doing what is "right" for you and in accordance with your guiding life principles.

 “One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.” (Michael J. Fox)

 

“Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right.” (Theodore Roosevelt)

 

“Don’t turn your face away.
Once you’ve seen, you can no longer act like you don’t know.
Open your eyes to the truth. It’s all around you.
Don’t deny what the eyes to your soul have revealed to you.

Now that you know, you cannot feign ignorance.
Now that you’re aware of the problem, you cannot pretend you don’t care.
To be concerned is to be human.
To act is to care.”
(Vashti Quiroz-Vega) 

 

 

Personal space....how do I find some?

 

IfIwritewithoutanyspaceinbetweenthewordsitbecomesveryhardtoreadwouldntyouagree?

Space in this case, it seems, is quite important.

Space can also be important in relationships, as in "personal space".

So how can "personal space" be defined?

Suggestion: the "region/space" surrounding a person which he/she psychologically and physically regard as his/her own. Most of us put great value in having our "space" respected and when infringed upon may experience feelings of anger, unease, or anxiety.

The size of our physical personal space varies from person to person, and culture to culture.

Some suggest that our sense of our personal space requirements start to form around 3-4 years of age and are commonly not cemented until we go through adolescence. We construct our personal space requirements mainly depending on our social and cultural environments, but our nurturing experiences as well as our brain chemistry also plays a part. (Some research is suggesting that a part of the brain called the amygdala also has a lot to do with the construction of our personal space requirements.)

The size of how much personal physical space we may need in order to feel comfortable and safe may I suggest is inter changeable; it depends on the relationship we have with someone, but according to some, most of us start to feel uncomfortable when someone is (what we deem) too close, which usually means a proximity of less than a metre(3 feet). (If you are speaking with someone and they keep stepping back chances are that you are infringing on that persons physical space.)

If someone infringes on our  personal physical space we can move; step back, but what about our personal space as in regards to our "emotional" personal space?

Boundaries....setting boundaries can be quite helpful when it comes to emotional personal space.

Not only respecting and understanding our own emotional boundaries, but also respecting and understanding others emotional boundaries.

Some of us are quite open about talking and showing our emotions/feelings, and some of us perhaps less so. Whereas you may feel quite comfortable about openly showing or talking about your anger, disappointment, sadness, frustration etc., someone else may not, so being sensitive to others emotional boundaries can be important for the success/quality of a relationship. None of us are mind readers (as far as I can ascertain) so it can be very helpful for us to verbalise when we feel that someone is infringing on our emotional personal space: "Do you mind if we change subject, I don't feel comfortable talking about this right now.....or......I can see that you are upset, and I get that, but do you think we could just take a breather and talk about this in a bit calmer way?....or......I am feeling a bit anxious at the moment, can we talk about this when I feel a bit less anxious?.....or....I get that you are trying to give me some advice because you care, but I think I need some time to process this for myself first if you don't mind....etc." Equally, we may be told the same things by someone who may feel that we are infringing on their emotional space.

Boundaries are in my view for our own benefit and protection, and although perhaps we may experience pangs of feeling that we are being selfish asserting them, my suggestion is that they build self-esteem. Have you considered what your emotional boundaries may be....if not, perhaps spending some time considering what they are may be helpful....?

Knowing what our own, as well as others boundaries are, can be effective in minimizing stress and conflict in our relationships. Some people need alone-space when they come home from work/studies/etc.etc. to debrief and process....but some don't,...some people need to find their own solutions to issues they deal with,....but some need others input,....some people need physical contact when they feel down,....but some don't........some people seek validation from others,....but some seek it from themselves,......some find strength in alone-time,.....but some find it in together-ness, and so on....

Just like it can be hard to read and make sense out of a sentence without spaces or punctuation, it can be hard to understand someone's emotional state without boundaries and or explanations.

If you feel like you need some space; be it physical and or emotional, may I suggest that you verbalise it in a clear, considerate, and caring way?

 

"Boundaries represent awareness, knowing what the limits are and then respecting those limits."

(David W. Earle)

 

"Boundaries are, in simple terms, the recognition of personal space." (Asa Don Brown)

 

"While the introvert is reflecting on the question (thinking first), the extrovert takes this as an invitation to fill the void (talking first). As long as the introvert doesn't interrupt, the extrovert continues to fill the interpersonal space with talk. But as long as the extrovert talks, the introvert can't think and stays mute. Mute means the invitation is still open, and continued talk assures that the introvert remains mute. By the time the extrovert pauses to ask, the introvert's head is pounding and he or she just wants to get out so he or she can think. The extrovert just assumes the introvert had nothing to say, and moves on."
(Laurie A. Helgoe)