Hope or despair?.......you choose...

One of the many things that fill me with wonder and hope is light.

Darkness cannot overcome light, even the smallest flame from a candle is more powerful than the darkest of nights.

 

Quietly, like a thief in the night

despair and hopelessness

 steals our hope, steals our light.

 

The question "why" hovers like a bird of prey

circling our consciousness, tempting our matter grey

to seek for easy answers, someone that we can blame.

 

Why is there so much suffering, why is there so much pain,

why is there so much poverty, so many being slain?

Why is your life so easy, but mine so hard

why do you get access, while I am being barred?

 

Like claws, the many questions "why?"

cut out hearts and make us cry;

is this the way it has to be, then why me, why me?

 

Innocent or guilty, fettered or free,

this we have in common; to choose hope in what can be.

 

Despair says: it's not possible

Hope says: why not?

Despair says: it's useless

Hope says: it's not.

 

Despair says: Hope's an illusion

Hope says: Hope's a solution

Despair says: Change is impossible

Hope says: All things are possible

 

Despair says: Love is weakness

Hope says: Love is kindness

Despair says: Love is chemistry

Hope says: Love is unity

 

Despair says: Life is suffering

Hope says: Life is discovering

Despair says: Life is loneliness

Hope says: Life is boundless

 

Despair says: Hope is wishful thinking

Hope says: Despair is hopelessness thinking

Despair says: There is no light at the end of the tunnel

Hope says: There is always light, albeit ever so subtle

 

This is where despair ends; now.

This is where hope begins; now.

(Citizen X)

 

 

“There is a crack in everything.

That's how the light gets in.” (Leonard Cohen)

 

What's your message? Is that what you mean?...On communication

When I lived in England, I loved  the way the red Telephone booths stood out against the backdrop of the beautiful English countryside. In autumn, the red against the muted earth tones; in summer the red complementing all the luscious hues of green, blue and yellow; in winter, the red so easily seen against the black, white and greys; and in spring, the red stood out as a beacon heralding the promise of magnificent colours to come.

I recently watched a documentary in which they showed a Telephone booth "graveyard", a final resting place for the many now superfluous Telephone booths. There they were these magnificent red creations, these tools of communication, now made all but redundant surpassed by "mobile" phones.

Somehow it seemed kind of sad to me because those phone booths were more than just a place to make a call, they were also a shelter in bad weather, a meeting place, a space to find some privacy, a safe space to wait, and they were there for anyone and everyone to use for a few pennies. (Cents)

Before "mobile" phones, when we made phone calls, we made them on fixed-lines, we called a place or an address if you will, but nowadays when we call mobile(cell)phones, we call people;

and we people carry our phones with us everywhere, so theoretically, we have access to each other 24/7. That's if we know the numbers, because there is no public directory for mobile(cell)phone numbers unlike the public directory that goes with fixed-line phones. This to me is very interesting, because there seems to be somewhat of a paradox here; our social networks sustained through the use of mobile phones are very private (no public directory) yet the conversations we have often take place in public spaces (parks, beaches, restaurants, coffee shops, libraries etc..).

Perhaps the use of mobile phones has redefined our sense of what constitutes personal and public space and, to a varying degree, depending on the cultural/social behaviour of the country we live in?

Although there are now probably more and better than ever tools for us to use to communicate with each other, are we also getting "better" at understanding each other?

 When we communicate, we are basically conveying information and, to do so there is a sender> message>receiver. This is how Wikipedia describes it:

Thought: First, information exists in the mind of the sender. This can be a concept, idea, information, or feeling.

Encoding: Next, a message is sent to a receiver in words or other symbols.

Decoding: Lastly, the receiver translates the words or symbols into a concept or information that a person can understand.

Thing is; the meaning the sender has in mind when communicating a message may be different to the meaning that the receiver attaches to the message.

(Perhaps this applies especially to text messages, hence the invention of emoticons)

Misunderstandings often come about when the sender and the receiver have different interpretations of the meaning of a message.

Examples: "I'll be there soon". "Soon" for the sender meaning in an hour, "soon" meaning within a few minutes for the receiver. "I can't see you tonight, I'm busy" for the sender meaning having too many things to do, but for the receiver it may be interpreted as "You're not as important to me as this other thing I am doing".

What we say or do, we filter through our belief systems/worldviews/understanding of the world we live in, and so do others. Interestingly, we often assume that others have the same views as us, we may even think of our views as "commonsense", so we often forget to ask if their understanding/interpretation is the same as ours.

Example: "When you said .........did you mean?" "This is my interpretation of.........what is yours?"

"Am I understanding you right? This is my understanding....."

Words get most of their meaning in their context; "he's yellow" could for instance mean he is jaundiced, painted with yellow paint, wearing a yellow rain coat, or "weak", but put in context the meaning would be clearer: "His skin tone is almost yellow due to jaundice."

"I can't see you tonight, I'm busy" if rephrased into "I can't see you tonight because I have a paper (or whatever the reason) to finish which is due tomorrow", alleviates a number of possible misunderstandings.

"Misunderstanding must be nakedly exposed before true understanding can begin to flourish.”  

(Philip Yancey)

"I feel trapped!" said Bob. What does that mean to you?

What if I told you that Bob was in a coal mine when he said it? What if I told you that Bob was playing chess when he said it, or that he was referring to his obesity issue, or that he was stuck in peak-hour traffic when he said it?

Whether we are communicating through the spoken or written word, words are the most effective when the sender and the receiver attach the same meaning to them and the more precise and clear we are, the less chance there is for misunderstandings.

What someone says and what we hear; what someone writes and what we read; can be worlds apart.

When the sender and receiver are congruous on meaning and context, understanding is likely to be the outcome.

Returning to the phone booths and fixed-lines.......

The phone-booth was/is a private space, an enclosed space, dedicated to speaking with someone one on one, and is there perhaps not something worthwhile in that? All focus on the person on the other end of the line; because isn't communication about dialogue, listening as well as speaking, sending as well as receiving?

Do we need music?

The "magic" of music: An insiders perspective

Before I walked, I played an instrument. As long as I can remember, music has been my constant companion, my friend, my enemy, my psychologist, my safe harbour, my great "unknown".

As a kid, I often used to wonder what music was and why it affected me so much and yet it had little to no affect on others.

I concluded that music is: melody, harmony and rhythm ordered into patterns, but this did not explain why music has the ability to bring us to tears, to energise us, to comfort us, to stir us into action, to sooth, to alleviate the pressure of time and transport us into timelessness.

Some suggest that there are two kinds of emotions related to music: emotions that we perceive and emotions that we feel.

They suggest that we can grasp the sadness in a piece of music without actually feeling sad, rather we perceive the sadness in the music vicariously. What I have noticed, is that certain kinds of music for certain people at certain times, seem to have the ability to pull aside our inner "curtains"(restraints/protections) and make us momentarily aware of aspects of ourselves which usually are inaccessible to us.

Just for a moment imagine a world without any kind of music.......no ring-tones, no music in the shopping centres, no music in the elevators, no music to go with movies, news, TV series, no music in the pubs, clubs, restaurants, no music to go with the computer games, .. and so on.

"Music expresses that which can not be said and on which it is impossible to be silent."

(Victor Hugo)

"Music is the shorthand of emotion." (Leo Tolstoy)

So what does this make musicians?

"Musicians want to be the loud voice for so many quiet hearts." (Billy Joel)

Musicians, regardless of what kind of music they play, spend a lot of time working on their craft.

I have probably spent half of my life practising one instrument or another. As a kid, when others played, I practised...., first recorder, then trumpet, then piano, then guitar, then upright bass, then flute, then tenor sax, and so on. I studied music at Music school, Conservatorium and University. Although there were times when the body resisted the constant and repetitive motions, the mind and soul was always willing. "This is how many people become artists, musicians, writers, computer programmers, record holding athletes, scientists,...by spending time alone practising what they love."

(Meg Cabot)

For some, all the hard work pays off and they are able to earn a living from doing what they love, but for many others, theirs is a life of obscurity and financial insecurity.

As an "insider"(= professional/paid musician) I have experienced amazing, magical, wonderful moments as a musician, but there are aspects to a musicians life that are not so glamorous.

Music taste is subjective, some will not like the music you play/write. (As a musician one has to learn to deal with criticism as well as praise.) Financial stability is an ongoing struggle. Working hours are often highly irregular. Practising is a must which often means hours and hours in solitude with ones instrument/voice.

A friend who had never heard me play the piano asked me to play something for him.

"Sure, what would you like me to play?" I asked.

"Anything really, I don't mind," he answered so I sat down at the piano and just "jammed" on a chord progression I liked. After I finished playing he looked at me and said: "You're so lucky that you can play the piano". Lucky? Winning the lottery is being lucky, winning anything through random selection is in my view being lucky, but being able to play an instrument, or being competent at anything, is the result of hard work, commitment, and determination.

(Some of us may be born with certain "gifts" such as creativity, physical abilities, mathematical aptness or other proclivities but unless those are refined, nurtured, and worked on, they may never bear fruit.)

Seeing our favourite musicians on stage doing what they are so good at, it may be easy do be caught up in the "romance and glamour" of it all, but perhaps we need a bit of that?

Perhaps we need artists to help us to expand our own sense of possibilities?

Perhaps we need music?

"In the rich tapestry of human life our music is a crucial thread; pulling it out would damage the world we recognise beyond repair." (Victoria Williamson)

Studies suggests that music can stimulate us both psychologically and physically: relaxing music, reflective music, music to stimulate us to "shop" more, music to cry to, music to dance to, music to march to, music to bring us to other countries, music to get us in touch with the sacred, music to farewell a loved one, music to bring images to life, music to help a restless child fall asleep, music to work out to, music to set the "mood", and so on.

Music so far, is probably our most efficient way to communicate non-word intentions, feelings, emotions, even our identities. (We often group ourselves with people of similar tastes in music.)

May I also suggest that music offers us the possibility to transcend our everyday state of consciousness, in a sense; music helps us to hold on to, or process different life experiences for which we have no words. (Do you remember the "Mixed-Tape"? A tape made with specially selected tunes to convey a specific message, such as for instance  "this is how I feel about you". Some found it easier to express their feelings through a mixed-tape rather than through words.)

When I was bullied as a kid, I turned to music. I would play my pain away, lose myself in the music and rebuild my crushed soul. By the time I started High School, music was my closest friend and I was no longer bullied; after all..... by this time I could play Beatles tunes on the guitar as well as a mean Blues on the piano.

Perhaps music is not as much "magical" as it is transcendental in that it offers us the possibility to  momentarily transcend our everyday struggles.

“Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination
and life to everything.”   (Plato)

The power of choice...

After months at sea, finally the ship arrived in New York. On board were thousands of people who had been forced to flee their own countries due to conflict of the worst kind: war.
For many this meant that they had to chose to leave all they knew and were familiar with and instead embrace the unknown. As far as choices go, choosing to leave your homeland to live permanently somewhere else, is one of the "bigger" choices a human has to make.
If there is a threat to ones survival, then the choice to seek safety probably seems as an obvious choice; if I stay here I will die, I do not want to die, so I will chose to remove myself from here.
What about the choices we make that are not life-threatening as such but in the long run may still hasten our demise? Instead of choosing healthy food, we choose fast food, instead of walking up the steps we take the elevator, instead of having a glass or two we have a bottle or two, instead of getting a good nights rest we party with the best, and so on. Everyday we make thousands of choices although some we are no longer consciously aware of making;  habits=something that we do so often that we no longer are aware of choosing to do so.
Some things we don't choose; our gene pool, our DNA, where we are born, and who our parents are.
But according to Jean Paul Sartre; "We are our choices." or according to
Louise Hay, a best-selling self-help author who writes: "We are what we choose to think."
If we are our choices and we are what we choose to think, then the responsibility for how our lives turn out (one could surmise), rests with us.
Taking the responsibility for our choices at first may seem a heavy burden, but if we are responsible do we not also have the power for change?
Perhaps a good start to begin at is to understand how we choose, how did we arrive at the conclusion that this is the choice we make? A recent study suggests that there are two separate networks/regions involved in the brain: > risk versus reward(value) and > one that guides how you ultimately behave.(Cognitive control) "When the cognitive control regions are working well, distractions are ignored and behaviours occur in the appropriate context; when valuation is appropriate, choices are made that are likely to be beneficial in the long run."(Time mag.) (When both these regions are working well, often we make choices from what we may experience as a "gut instinct".)
Many of us make choices based on our emotions, on how the choices fit with our view of ourselves, we choose according to how our choices fit in with our "bigger picture", we ascertain if our choices fit well within our family, friends, work situation, etc..our environment.
Example: "I would really like to join the BBB, I do view myself as a contributor, and in the future I would like for that to become my full-time activity, which I know would also make my folks happy."
Interestingly, ask a toddler what colour they like the best and they will tell you in an instant. If you ask why they chose the colour they did, often the answer is: "I just like it."
 Sometimes we make choices which felt right at the time, but as time passes turn out to be not so right after all. That extra serve of fries, that "one for the road", that phone call in the middle of the night to your ex, telling your boss how unfair he is, and so on.
Choices we make, have outcomes.
If we know what outcome we desire, then the choices we make need to be congruent with that outcome. If we want to loose weight, if that is our desired outcome; then we need to make choices that supports that outcome. Choices like: exercising more, have smaller meals, be as physically active as possible, eating less calorie rich foods, etc.. If we want to be more socially active, then we need to make choices that will support that outcome such as: joining a club, sports group, hobby activity, church and so on. Perhaps also choosing to find information on how to improve our communication skills, how to extend our vocabulary, or/and how to be comfortable in a group environment may be fruitful.
A simple graph may perhaps be helpful.
Desired outcome > what are the options > which option/s will bring me the desired outcome > choose the option/s
If you desire to feel "better" about yourself, what choices can you make that will bring this about?
If you desire to feel more comfortable in social settings, what choices can you make that will help you with that?
If you desire to quit a habit that is inhibiting your life, what choices can you make to overcome it?
If you desire to have more friends, what choices can you make that will assist you with that?
If we always choose what we have always chosen, then we will always have what we have always had.
To affect change, we have to choose differently.

"The future is an ever-shifting maze of possibilities until it becomes the present." (Terry Brooks)
"If you want a new tomorrow, then make new choices today." (Tim Fargo)
 

Them versus Us......

The silence was deafening. No explosions, no bombs, no gunfire, no screaming,

just the gentle sloshing of wet boots trudging through the relentlessly falling snow.

Time suspended, there is only now; life in every step they manage

to take forward.

 

When "tribes" go to war, the individual ceases to exist.

It becomes them against us.

The others becomes the "enemy", murder becomes killing, and killing the enemy in war is viewed as the soldiers duty.

By depersonalising, by removing common human traits from the "enemy"  may I suggest that it becomes easier for one human to kill another. It then becomes the "enemy", not another human with feelings, desires, families, dreams, and hopes, just like us that we kill. Even in peacetime we often tend to depersonalise those who are different to us; "those kinds of people", "people that dress like that", "people that think like that", "people that listen to that kind of music, eat that kind of food, vote for party "X", and so on. By making them "them" we can detach from their humanity and view them as a whole rather than

a group of individual human beings.

Henri Tajfel; a British psychologist; suggests that "stereotyping"(putting people into groups and categories) is based on a common/normal cognitive process. Human beings have a tendency to group things together and by doing so we often exaggerate the differences between different groups or the similarities of things within the same group. "We see the group to which we belong(the in-group) as being different from others(the out-group), and members of the same group as being more similar than they are". "Them" verses "Us". The group we identify with is our "in-group" and the groups we don't identify with are the "out-groups"

What we consider to be "normal" and appropriate behaviour in the groups we belong to, becomes our reference point.

Yet, every group consists of individuals, with many common human needs. We seek certainty, yet also variety, we seek to feel needed, we seek love and connection, we seek growth and to contribute.

Understanding and identifying our biases(inclination or prejudice for or against one person or group, especially in a way considered to be unfair) can be helpful when we are trying to assess or understand others.

Our biases, for instance, may prevent us from being able to see "good" aspects/points in others, and we may view things from how we think/feel about something/someone rather than from actual facts/evidence. We may decide that someone is untrustworthy because we are biased against the way they dress, look, speak, et cetera rather than the other's actual actions.

Personally, I find it helpful to ask myself how I have come to hold the views that hold, are they founded on hearsay or are they founded on my own inquiries? When my son started to listen to Heavy Metal music and wear "Goth" clothing I asked him to tell me what he liked about the music, and the "Goth "clothing style. (Being a professional musician, I wanted to try to understand rather than dismissing his choices just because they were foreign to me.) After gaining some insight into how my son experienced the music, and listening to some of it with him, it was no longer foreign to me, and although I still do not like the "growling" there are some "metal" bands I really enjoy listening to at times. Adopting others biases may be a quick way to feel accepted by others; "In this group we don't like the colour green, so if you want to be included, you can't like the colour green", or "If you want to be included in this group, you must like all colours, or you can not be included".  (Bias can influence us to hold views either of "all good" or "no good".)

It can be tough to discover ones biases, because often they feel like "that's just the way it is" and to lose them may be experienced as loss of a part of oneself, of a part of ones identify.

To belong, is regarded as one our basic needs, so challenging our position within a group we belong to by holding differing views may result in us becoming excluded from that group and this can be very challenging for many of us since a sense of certainty is also regarded as a basic human need.

Whether we call someone an enemy or friend, them or us, as individual human beings we have our humanity in common.

We all feel, think, love, care, and seek to fulfil our basic human needs on this one planet called Earth.

If it hurts us to lose someone we love, chances are that it hurts them to lose someone they love as well. If it hurts us to be shot at, bombed, tortured, belittled, humiliated, chances are, that so will they.

If "them" are us seen from their perspective, then they are "them" from our perspective.

We are both them and us, depending on our perspective, but regardless, we are all one humanity.

 

"One way or another, we all have to find what best fosters the flowering of our humanity in this contemporary life, and dedicate ourselves to that." (Joseph Campbell)

What is the secret to a good relationship? .......listening with patience and kindness...

 

When they met she was just a slip of a girl

he; swept her away when on the dance floor they gave it a whirl.

In those days; before mobile phones and text messages,

arrangements were made following proper premises.

 

He used to pick her up in in an old beat-up truck

but she didn't care he was just so "the devil may care".

 

Gable, Bogart, or Grant he wasn't

but always on time,

with a big smile,

dependable and honest was her sweet Miles.

 

When they first met words came so easy

for hours they spoke, she never felt uneasy.

He was full of ideas, dreams and visions

there was no end to his many ambitions.

 

They married in a chapel high on a hill

he started work in the local mill.

 

She stayed at home like her mother before her

minding the children, raising them proper.

 

Years went on by, no clouds in the sky

days filled with laughter, and blueberry pie.

Til one rainy Thursday when it all had to change

Miles had been called; the world had gone strange.

 

Some fella called Adolf, German he was 

declared war on Europe; soldiers began to march.

 

Miles left; still a man of ambition

 returned a few years later

a man of contrition.

 

She tried all she could, the children did too

to find the old Miles

they all loved him so.

But no matter how hard they all tried,

something in Miles had broken, his joy had died.

 

Days became weeks, weeks became years

still in the nights, Miles shivered with fear.

She would hold him real tight, stroke his hair:

"It's alright dear Miles, I'm here, I'm here".

 

Then one summers evening, the children asleep

Miles began weeping, tears from the deep.

Stuttering, sputtering, out the words came

describing his nightmares, describing his shame.

 

For hours she listened as he poured out his heart

sharing the memories that was tearing him apart.

 

Finally sunrise; all golden and still

 announcing new hope, new life to begin.

 

They watched the sun rising, heard the birds sing,

huddled together on their home made swing.

Miles took her hand and put it in his

looked her in the eyes and whispered this:

"Thank you my dear for allowing me to share,

my many pains, so heavy to bear.

Although my joy I yet have to find

hope now colours my troubled mind."

 

And so Miles finally arrived "home" at last

leaving behind his painful, troubled, past.

 

 

Epilogue: Every Sunday afternoon Miles and his wife drive into town and have a meal at the local diner. They hardly say a word to each other; seemingly lost in their own worlds; but Betty, the proprietor, told me that they seem to need no words.