"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got"

 

When I first met Darren, he was still in high school. He was an amazing person; he had very clear goals, he worked hard at everything he was involved in, he played tenor sax with passion, and he was even at that young age, very dedicated to being a decent human being.

He was articulate, caring, generous, and a joy to work with. (He played sax in our band for quite some time)

I couldn't help but wonder what made him so strong, so focused, so seemingly unaffected by the "goings on" of his friends. From where did Darren get his determination and will power to make choices that were so life affirming?

According to William Glasser who writes in his book "Choice Theory"; "we choose everything we do, other people can neither make us miserable or happy. All we get from other people, or give to them, is information."

If this is correct, then ultimately we are all responsible for our own emotional responses.

"You make me so angry!" is no longer viable; we chose to respond with anger.

Neither would: "you made me" > sad, frustrated, irritated, upset, etc.. or > happy, secure, satisfied, etc.. be viable.

Whatever our emotional response is; we choose it.

Not to say that we are not influenced by others actions, we are, but, others do not control our responses, we do...(if I understand Choice Theory correctly).

According to Glasser (Choice Theory) there are three underlying beliefs for why we believe in "external control": Number One: there are a number of things we do because we are responding to external signals such as: answering the phone when it rings, stopping at red lights in traffic for instance. Number Two: We can make others do what we want them to do, even if they don't want to; others can do the same to us. Number Three: It is right, our moral obligation even, that we should punish or ridicule those who don't do what we tell them to do; or alternatively reward them when they do what we want them to do.

Commonsense beliefs perhaps for many of us, but do they work?

Perhaps instead of a punitive (forcing, punishing, blaming, compelling) stance we may fare better if we exchanged forcing and coercing for negotiation?

"If you make fun of me infront of your friends again, then I'm never going to go out anywhere with you ever again!" An example of trying to use punishment to force a change of behaviour in the other person; underlying belief may be: "you're making me feel bad about myself, so I want you to change". Another approach: "I feel bad about myself when you bring up certain subjects with your friends, can we come to some agreement on what subjects we will not bring up in the company of your friends?" This approach allows you to own your emotional response and offers the other person a chance to modify their behaviour bringing you closer rather than further apart from each other.

You make me angry > I feel angry when....

You make me upset > I feel upset when.....

You make me sad > I feel sad when...........

(Of course there are instances when a person is abusive and not open for any interaction at all, in such instances negotiation may not be possible and it may be safer to remove oneself from the situation.)

In simple terms: Something happens; we react/respond, but we do have a say in how we will react.

Choosing how we will react/respond, empowers us rather than render us powerless.

Back to Darren. So how did he manage to continuously make choices that were life affirming rather than destructive? When others got drunk, he had one or two drinks, when others got "off their faces", he didn't, when others became loud and obnoxious, he didn't. Not once at a gig that I did with him was he ever drunk, rude, obnoxious or less than his best.

This kid was something special. On the way to a gig one day I asked him how it was that he was so strong. "I know what I want", he answered. "What do you want?" I asked.

"I want to become a jet pilot in the air force", he answered.

 Patrick Ness wrote: "We are the choices we make." It seemed to me that Darren had figured that out very early in his life.

So how do we make our choices? A suggestion:

We decide what we want to achieve, then the value in achieving it. We then look at our different options, and pick the one/s we prefer. Strangely, studies suggest that the end of an experience influence us more than the memories of the overall experience; when asked, the study subjects chose a long unpleasant experience with a pleasant ending rather than a short pleasant experience without a "zing" at the end. On the other hand, us humans often have a weakness for the immediate gratification of a pleasant experience, even if it is a "bad" decision.

A person playing the One Armed Poker machine easily "forgets"  the losses when the machine finally spits out a win, "hang-overs" are "forgotten" in the face of a fun night, weight-gain "forgotten" when it tastes sooo... good, etc..

 Another aspect to our decision-making process is the information we gather to make a choice; what is the "quality" of our information, and is the "source" of our information of a high standard? May I suggest that "bad" information, often lead to "bad" choices?

"If we always do what we always done, we always get what we always got" so said Henry Ford.

If we want a different outcome, seems to me we may have to begin with choosing differently.

Perhaps a good starting point would be to challenge: "We can make others do what we want them to do, even if they don't want to; others can do the same to us" if that is our belief, and exchange it for "I don't want to make others do what they don't want to do, I want to understand why they want to do what they want to do". Likewise; "It is right, our moral obligation even, that we should punish or ridicule those who don't do what we tell them to do; or alternatively reward them when they do what we want them to do", we can perhaps exchange for: "It a right, a moral obligation, that we should NOT punish or ridicule those who don't do what we tell them to do just because we said so, rather we need to seek to understand why they hold the view they do."

I will let William Glasser have the last word: "To achieve and maintain the relationships we need, we must stop choosing to coerce, force, compel, reward, manipulate, boss, motivate, criticise, blame, complain, nag, badger, rank, rate and withdraw. We must replace these destructive behaviours with choosing to care, listen, support, negotiate, encourage, love, befriend, trust, accept, welcome, and esteem."

 

Darren, by the way, although I have not seen him for years, I have been told is a Jet Fighter pilot in the Air force and doing extremely well. Way to go Darren.

 

 

 

Illusions: helpful or destructive?

 

She calls herself "The American Geisha".

 

On the day she was born

there were no fanfares.

 

Her conception not planned

just an unfortunate result.

Yet there she was

a bouncing twelve pounds.

 

From the very first moment

it was very, very clear

this girl was determined

and she had no peer.

 

She wanted to shine

everywhere and all the time

she demanded attention

her methods sublime.

 

Going to school was such a bore

every lesson just a snore,

so at fourteen she had enough

.......... she left in a huff.

 

She knew she was destined

for a glamorous life

so she donned the tutu

and she started to dance.

 

But things didn't go the way she hoped

she ran out of money, she discovered dope

days became nights, caresses fights

disappointments and sadness an endless loop.

 

She started to hide behind her illusions

reality but another delusion

so she spiralled down, down and down

no more joy, no princess crown.

 

Her face once so young and pretty

now elicited only pity

her body once so beautiful

now only pitiful.

 

She decided to numb herself out of existence.

 

She awoke in hospital

feeling rather dismal

but with one redeeming factor:

nurses at her beck and call.

 

As fresh blood entered through her vein

so fresh thoughts entered her brain

she was special, she was great,

she was the princess once again.

 

She bought a tutu, a magic wand

 a set of fairy wings,

a princess crown

her girth growing

her soul glowing.

 

Seeking endless attention, from everyone and everywhere

a bottomless pit, a road to nowhere

this she now knew; she knew it's despair.

 

So she donned a mask; very white very bright

like a graceful geisha, a beautiful sight

on her wings; colours blue, red, and white

 no longer hiding, no longer trite.

 

She calls herself the American Geisha

as she dances through the nights

showered with attention, all lit up in lights

but when the show is over and its time to say goodbye,

she knows she's just plain Lisa

and that is now all right. 

 

"When you look in the mirror, what do you see? Do you see the real you or what you have been conditioned to believe is you? The two are so, so different. One is an infinite consciousness of being and creating whatever it chooses, the other is another imprisoned by its own perceived and programmed limitations." (David Icke)

Living in the Now...........where life happens

"If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.” (Unknown)

What happened in the past...we cannot change.

What will happen in the future....we can but guess.

What we can affect is: The Now

We can learn from the past so that we can perhaps deal with the future in a more helpful way, but generally life........and living "happens" in the now.

The Past and the Future may seem like great "hiding spaces" at times; Whatever painful and traumatic experiences we have from the past, (or joyful and exhilarating), if we spend too much time there "hiding" from the Now, we miss out on actually living in the present. Similarly; if we spend most of our time in the Future and all that we hope to experience there, we miss out on the experience of life happening to us right now.

Why use the word "hiding"? An example: "When I tried doing xxx before it didn't work, so why do it now?" Hiding behind past experiences with unwanted outcomes, may perhaps seem as a more secure position rather than showing up in the Now and trying again. Similarly; Hiding behind a projected favourable outcome in the Future may seem a more secure position than showing up in the Now where disappointment is a possibility.

Eckhart Tolle writes this: "Have you ever experienced, done, thought or felt anything outside of the Now? Nothing ever happened in the past, it happened in the Now. Nothing will ever happen in the Future, it will happen in the Now." The Past is memory and the Future; anticipation.

"Where ever you are be there" or "Life unfolds in the present moment", affirmations to help us be aware of each moment as we live/experience it.

When I was working as a musician night after night, eventually, while driving to a gig, all I could think of was when I would be driving home again. Some of us go to work and fantasise about when we get our holidays, some of us go to school/studies and imagine the day when we have our last exam, some of us go to work each morning fixed on when we go home, and so on....basically, never really present in the Now. Perhaps some of us are stuck in how things used to be and find it hard to see things as they are now; "I used to be slim,(now I'm not) I used to be a great ballplayer, (now I'm not) I used to be popular,...etc.."

To assist us in living in the Now, there is something called "Mindfulness": a state of active, open, intentional attention on the present, becoming an observer of our thoughts from moment to moment without judging them. Little things can help us stay in the Now if we focus our attention on them; feeling the water on our bodies when we have a shower, focusing our attention on each bite of food as we chew, smelling the aroma of the coffee as we drink it, closing our eyes when listening to music allowing the music to fill our minds, and so on. For some of us focusing our attention on our breathing only for a few minutes here and there can be helpful in helping us to relax and worry less.

As I understand it, Mindfulness is not about where we've been or where we are going, rather it is about being aware/present of where we are already.

If we are finding that some aspects of our Past keeps us from moving forward in a positive and life affirming way, it may be helpful to ask ourselves why those things/events from the past matter to us now, is there a way to reinterpret those memories, can I accept what happened and still move forward? (Accepting is not the same as agreeing, in my view, more of an acknowledgement)

In my own life there where some places that were very painful for me to visit, so for a long time I avoided them until one day I decided to take my "power" back. I went to those places, allowed those painful memories to "flow" through me without lingering, then I said out loud "That was then, this is now, and now I take my power back and release those memories. From now on I will exchange those painful memories with this memory of me standing here strong, no longer that person".

For some of us the thoughts of what may happen in the future perhaps prevent us from experiencing the Now; a million "what-ifs" or "what-if-not's" distracting us from the present. If our focus/attention is on our current activity we can prevent our thoughts from rushing ahead, but if they do, then we refocus. (It may be easier to do this if we are not engaged in too many things at the same time.)

If you become inundated with distracting thoughts perhaps it may be helpful to question those thoughts? Example: Is there any truth to these thoughts? What are the facts? Do I know this for sure?

To live in the Now, to experience the moment as it presents itself; becoming aware of our internal "chatter" may be necessary, we may also need to take notice and savouring the "little" things around us in that moment; listening to the soundscape of where we are, observing without judgement, turning off our i-thingy's. Personally I have also found it helpful to carry around with me a "Gratitude Stone".

I found a small stone and on it I wrote "Gratitude". Realising how much I had to be grateful for I thought it good to remind myself of it everyday so I put it in my pocket as a reminder. Beginning the day with reminding myself of all the things I am grateful for has been a great tool for me to stay in the Now, perhaps.... it may be helpful for you too?

“Life is the thing that happens to you while you're regretting the past and worrying about the future.”

(Dylan Ozmore)

“Existing is going through the motions of life with no zeal and feeling you have no control; living means embracing all that this large world has to offer and not being afraid to take chances. The beauty of living is knowing you can always start over and there's always a chance for something better.” (J'son M. Lee)

 

(About the painting: This is one of a series of 5 paintings with the little girl. The girl in this one is holding a flag with the apple symbol, although with bones through it looks like a pirate flag. It represents ...........(insert here what you think)............)

How to become a story teller.......



 

His head slightly tilted, sitting in his chair

He cuts a lonely figure; an old man with very little hair.

Day after day, and all day long

from early morning to evensong

There he sits
 an old man

pondering life
 and where its gone.

Image after image like on a big screen
memories roll by, reel after reel
Time; once a deep and endless ocean
silently slipping away without commotion.

Inside his mind, he is still so young

inside his mind, he is still so strong.
Outside his mind, the world has changed
Outside his mind, it's all so strange.

"Waiting in line at the shops, an older gentleman fumbles as he tries to find his wallet in his coat pocket. The people in line behind him impatiently stir. "Come on old man, we haven't got the whole day!" somebody shouts from the back of the line. The old man finally finds his wallet and with shaky fingers pulls out a bill and pays for his items.  Plastic bag with his purchases in his hand, he turns around, looks at the line of people, tips his hat while softly saying "I am so sorry for holding you up", then quietly exits the shop."
"There is a park bench under a large maple tree in the park and on it is a plaque with the words:  "In honour of Dorothy Schwimmel". On a hot summers day, I sit down for a rest. An elderly woman comes up to me and asks if I mind sharing the bench with her. "Not at all, be glad for the company", I answer. Before long we start a conversation. The elderly woman asks me if I would like to hear a story. "Please, I would love that very much," I answer. For an hour and a half I listen to her while she tells me the most amazing story of how she used to be a violinist in a symphony orchestra and travelled the world, how she raised three daughters who all became musicians, and how she lost her husband to cancer. She tells me how she has given lectures on the "language of music" in many cities, how she has visited many hospitals and given concerts for those on the oncology wards. She tells me how when she was just a small girl she had to play her violin for the entertainment of drunken Nazi officers at the Treblinka Concentration camp. After she finishes her story she gently smiles at me and says "Thank you for listening, I hope you have a nice day, enjoying every minute of it, because life is so short". She stands up, takes a few steps, then turns around and says "By the way, my name is Dorothy Schwimmel, I hope we meet again some day" then slowly walks away."
Some things we treasure more as they mature i.e. get older; such as wine, cheese, architecture, certain artefacts, music, art in general, and so on...but strangely the same is often not the case of human beings. How do we treat our mature/elderly people? In some cultures, the elderly play an important part and their stories are highly valued. In others, the elderly hardly count at all it seems.
Some will gladly spend a huge amount of money for a "good bottle" of wine, but have no "time" to spend on their elders. There are many good aspects to being young and full of energy, are there any good aspects to being "old"?
A few suggestions: While the body may be deteriorating, the mind and soul re-energises for some of us through the understanding of our time-limitations; our time on earth grows shorter.
No longer in a rush to accumulate "stuff", we  may have more time to work on our relationships and to use what we have learned along the way to improve those in need of attention.
"Hindsight" can help us make better(more helpful) choices in the present.
We may be able to see "the bigger" picture (the meaning/purpose) easier and for many of us quality may become more important than quantity. For some of us, our level of self-confidence may increase having "come out the other end" through difficult times. As we grow older, many of us become more interested in others, in supporting charities, joining clubs, and meeting new people through common altruistic goals. Understanding our time constriction, "little things" may become "big things", and big things may become little things. (Whatever our definition's of what we view "little" or "big")
Whether young or old, in my view validation is important for most of us, and with validation I mean
  the recognition and acceptance of another person's thoughts, sensations, feelings and behaviours as understandable to us. Although a person may do things at a slower pace, take more time to make a decision, need more time to give an answer, this in my opinion does not mean they are less worthy of our respect, consideration, or validation.
Before we had the written word, we had the spoken word, and people learned from each other through telling stories. This is still the case, we all have stories to tell, and stories to listen and learn from,  and the longer we live the more stories we have to share.
When we give of our time to listen to people telling us their stories, we validate them whether they are young or old. (Most of us probably enjoy sharing our stories with others so chances are that others feel the same way.)
Some of us tell our stories through writing books, making movies, writing songs, some tell stories through science, history, religious texts, discovery journals, news...media...
If we see value in a "mature" bottle of wine, in the "old" Masters, in ancient artefacts, in old buildings, old maps, old cars, etc.. may we not also see value in old(mature) people?
If mass media is to be believed, then being old is a bad, bad, thing. Wrinkles and increasing waistlines the enemy, receding hairlines and "muffin tops" unacceptable, so we are urged into denial by using product X, product Y,  just buy, buy, buy. Since ageing is inevitable and begins from the moment we are born, perhaps in these "enlightened" days of ours it may be helpful if instead of viewing ageing as a "bad thing" we would view it as a passage of gaining greater understanding?

"The spiritual eyesight improves as the physical eyesight declines." (Plato)

"Respect the elderly when you are young. Help the weak when you are strong. Admit your mistakes when you are wrong. Because one day you will grow old, become weak, and expect others to show you some respect."
Every human being is a story teller.

In the dock, the accused: Mankind........

The courtroom was filled to the brim.Yet there was no sound.

In the dock, the accused: Mankind

For the prosecution: Existence

For the defense: Human Being X

The Judge: The Unknown.

Witnesses: The animals of land and water, the winged creatures of the air, the inhabitants of the micro cosmos, the rivers, the oceans, the forests, the lands, the mountains.

"Let us begin", said the Unknown. Prosecution, bring your first witness."

"Judge, for my first witness I call the animals of land and water," said the Prosecutor.

"Now, animals of land and water, is it your testimony that the Accused has and still is destroying your habitat with indiscriminate pollution, hunting, and decimation of your offspring?" asked the Prosecutor.

"Yes, it is", said the Lion speaking on behalf of the animals of land and water.

"On the behalf of my brothers and sisters of land and water, I can attest to the fact that the Accused with her desire for control and self-interests continuously keeps killing us off in her pursuit for more: more space, more food for her own offspring, for what she calls "sport", for our coats, for whatever she thinks may be beneficial to her and hers; she kills many of us out of ignorance and without a deeper understanding of how her actions will affect all that is alive."

Defense Counsel; (Human Being X), slowly walked up to the Lion still in the witness seat and asked: "Is it not true that many of you animals on land and in water kill each other? Do not many of you fall into the category of either predator or prey? Does not the cycle of life include dying? Is not the culling of the weak and sick a way to keep many of your species strong and healthy?"

The Lion slowly shook his head then answered: "The culling of the weak and sick, as you call it, is your interpretation of our cycle of life. If we kill, we never do so for any other reason than that life requires it. Us animals of the land and water; different to you; do not cull off your young and weak, we do not throw large nets over your villages and homes and with one tug kill all caught. We do not hunt with unfair advantage, we hunt using our own strength, instincts and intuition. Besides, many of us do not hunt, many of us peacefully graze and live in harmony with our brothers and sisters."

Next to be called to the stand: The winged creatures of the air, represented by the African Grey Parrot.

"Now, Parrot, is it your testimony that the Accused has caged and kept you and many of your fellow creatures of the air hostage for millenniums?

"Indeed, not only caged us, but also stuffed us, breed us on huge farms, killed us for fun and sport, not to mention those of us raised for only the purpose of being egg producing machines" answered the Parrot.

"Defense, what is your response?", asked the Judge.

Human Being X: "But there are so many of you winged creatures, what difference would the death of a few of you make?"

The Parrot looked at the Defence Counsel with sadness in his eyes and then answered: "Not so many of us any more. Many of our voices have been silenced for ever."

Next we call the Cockroach to the witness stand to represent the Micro Cosmos.

"Now, Cockroach, is it true that the Accused view your existence as a scourge, a pest, a carrier of disease and without point to your existence?" asked the Prosecutor.

"Yes, Prosecutor, not only my kind, but many of my fellow Micro Cosmians. As the Judge knows, and also you Prosecutor, we each have a function and a purpose to our existence although it seems that the Accused has been slow in grasping this," answered the Cockroach.

At this the Defense stood up and began: "What is your purpose? You carry diseases, you multiply at an exorbitant rate, you putrefy food sources, you sting, you bite, some of your fellow Micro Cosmians even kill."

"Human Being X, we do what we are supposed to do, and if we did not, life itself would not be sustained. We also belong to the cycle of life, we all share the same planet, each with our special contributions," said the Cockroach.

"Next, I call to the stand: The rivers, the oceans, the forests, the lands, the mountains represented by the Eagle, who soars above and with her keen eyes views it all," said the Prosecutor.

"What have you observed Eagle?" asked the Prosecutor.

"I have observed Prosecutor, that there are less and less great creatures gracing the oceans, less and less fish, less and less corals, less and less of the many and varied species that for eons have inhabited the oceans. I have observed that the forests are decimated, cut down, ravaged by fires and logging. I have observed that the lands are becoming barren, depleted, yielding less and less of its fruits. I have observed that there are large spaces where tents and ramshackle structures are erected for miles on end on grounds that are all but dead. I have observed where once blankets of ice covered the mountains, there now is less and less, and in some places; none. I have observed that the air has grown heavy and I have to soar higher and higher to avoid losing my breath.

After the Eagle had finished stating his observations a heaviness descended on the courtroom.

All eyes fell on the defense counsel; Human Being X.

"Now then, Defense, what is your response to the observations of the Eagle," asked the Judge.

The Defense counsel remained silent for many minutes then spoke: "Eagle, have you also observed the many wondrous creations of the Accused? Have you seen the many magnificent structures the Accused has made such as for instance the Taj Mahal, the Great Wall of China, the many Churches, Cathedrals, Temples? Did you observe the many Institutes for higher learning, for the treatment of the sick, the many Galleries and Museums displaying the Accused's creativity through a multitude of expressions? Did you hear music, one of the Accused's most creative contributions? Did you observe what the Accused calls "Art" and "Culture"? Did you observe those of the Accused who dedicate their lives to the pursuit of preserving the animals of land and water, the winged creatures of the air, the inhabitants of the micro cosmos, the rivers, the oceans, the forests, the lands, the mountains?"

The Eagle responded: "Yes, Human Being X, I observed those things too, but I believe that the Accused can do better. The Accused is guilty of inflicting great harm on our shared living space."

After the Eagle spoke those last words the sadness in the court room was palpable.

Neither Defense or Prosecutor had any words to offer.

The Judge finally spoke.

"This planet named by the Accused "Earth", is the shared living space for the animals of land and water, the winged creatures of the air, the inhabitants of the micro cosmos, the rivers, the oceans, the forests, the lands, the mountains, but also the Accused. Although there are many accounts that speak against the Accused and may weigh heavily on the side of the Prosecution; even to the extinction of the Prosecution itself; the Accused is capable of introspection and so also correction.

The Accused although at times very destructive, belligerent, and ignorant to the utmost extent, is also capable of great creativity, imagination, and compassion. The Accused perhaps unlike many other creatures on Earth are capable of conscious change; the Accused through different methods has the ability to gain insight and in doing so can change destructive behaviours to constructive behaviours.

A correction of behaviour is called for as attested to by the many witnesses; so this is the verdict of the court. All rise: Accused, you are found wanting in your treatment of Earth and is hereby instructed to change your behaviour immediately. You are ordered to change the way you treat the animals of land and water, the winged creatures of the air, the inhabitants of the micro cosmos, the rivers, the oceans, the forests, the lands, the mountains, you are to regard them with the same respect, care, and compassion that you have for yourself. Bearing this in mind; all life is precious."

Bang! went the gavel.

"All rise."

"The adventure of life is to learn. The purpose of life is to grow. The nature of life is to change. The challenge of life is to overcome. The essence of life is to care. The opportunity of life is to serve. The secret of life is to dare. The spice of life is to befriend. The beauty of life is to give." (Prince)

 

An eye for an eye only ends up with all of us blind......

Unrelenting rain, unendurable pain.

Two small boys trudging through hazardous terrain.

Snatched in the middle of the night,

life as they knew it destroyed before the first morning light. 

Sister and brother, father and mother,

 gunned down in a hail of fire; crack! crack! crack!

now all they have is each other.

Bare feet, nothing to eat,

just mile after mile, walking.... in blistering heat.

 

With each step taken;

fun and games, their childhood and innocence forsaken.

With innocence gone, a new resolve;

survival at any cost so lets bide our time,

one day we will hold the guns, and to the very top we will climb.

We will revenge our sisters our brothers, our fathers and our mothers

What was taken from us, we will one day take from others.

 

Violence begets more violence.

The abused often becomes the abuser.

"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent." (Isaac Asimov)

 

Violence: "The intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, that either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, maldevelopment or deprivation." (WHO=The World Health Organisation)

Violence is believed to be directed to and by: the self, from individual to individual, to and or by groups/organisations. In most cases, violent behaviour is learned through experiencing it and or witnessing it. Is being violent the same as being aggressive? Aggression perhaps can be defined as a behaviour with intent to injure or hurt another(or property, or group) in one way or another, violence perhaps can be defined as aggression in action; the physical manifestation of aggression.

Much has and is being published on how violent behaviours are on the increase and mass media is often suggested to be one of the major factors. Some research suggests that whether we like it or not, mass media greatly influences our values, beliefs and behaviours.

Experiments done with children before and after viewing violence on TV, Movies or violent Video games, indicate a likelihood of those children to behave in an aggressive manner immediately after the viewing. Similar experiments have been done with young adults and older adolescents which show the same result. There is strong empirical data that indicates that exposure to media violence increase a risk of aggressive and violent behaviour in the observer.

Whether through a screen or in actual life, constant exposure to violence and aggression, research suggest promote desensitisation yet also an increase in aggressive and violent responses. If violence is portrayed as justified behaviour the more likely it is to be perceived as an "appropriate" behavioural response.

Although pathology may play a role in some instances, violence can be viewed as a result of a number of factors such as social, psychological, financial (poverty) in nature. Other factors that may play a role is a sense of  helplessness, powerlessness, insecurity, vulnerability and shame. (Not to mention exposure to continuous armed conflicts, wars of any kind, terror attacks, and so on)

If violence begets violence, then perhaps compassion begets compassion? Monkey see monkey do?

If  research shows us that exposing ourselves to violence through video games, violent movies, etc. increases the likelihood of us becoming more aggressive and violent ourselves, perhaps it may be worthwhile to watch less violent movies, play less violent video games, in short, minimise the amount of violence(over which we have a choice) we subject ourselves to?  And if we are faced with aggressive behaviour in our day-to-day lives, perhaps learning how to diffuse aggressive situations may be helpful?

Some suggestions: Assess the behaviour of the aggressor....is calmly leaving the best option or is verbal communication possible?

Is there a trigger.....what sparked the aggression? Ask, using non-judgemental words: what are you feeling right now? what is happening in you right now? in a calm voice.

Questions we can perhaps ask ourselves if we are the "angry" ones....

Why am I angry? How do I deal with it? Is it working or do I release my anger on others and in doing so, causing them pain?

"An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind." (M. Gandhi)

 

"The Roots of Violence: Wealth without work, Pleasure without conscience, Knowledge without character, Commerce without morality, Science without humanity, Worship without sacrifice, Politics without principles." (M. Gandhi)

"If you succumb to the temptation of using violence in the struggle, unborn generations will be the recipients of a long and desolate night of bitterness, and your chief legacy to the future will be an endless reign of meaningless chaos." (Martin Luther King Jr.)

"Much violence is based on the illusion that life is a property to be defended and not to be shared."

(Henri Nowen)

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral; returning violence with violence only multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already void of stars."

(Martin Luther King Jr.)

If you are in a prison of fear....break out!

Although she was scared to the extent of feeling ill, she knew, she had to do it.

She was sick of feeling imprisoned by her fears. The path with the burning, glowing coals lay before her. "I can do this, I can do this", she told herself and with the others shouting words of encouragement, she walked.

Not only had she managed to walk on burning coal, but earlier in the day she had also smashed a thick piece of wood in half with her bare hand.

She was excited and very pleased with herself, because she had overcome a multitude of fears and self doubt to get to this point.

"Fear can hold you prisoner, hope can set you free", so writes Stephen King.

So, what is fear? Wikipedia: "an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm."

Or/and: fear is a human reaction that signals danger and awakens in us the "fight-or-flight" response.

When we experience fear our bodies go into protection mode and chemicals such as adrenalin and cortisol are released. The affect these have on us are: increased heart rate, our senses are sharpened, our muscles tightened, we breathe faster, our eyes (pupils) dilate, we sweat; basically our bodies are in an "action" mode.

Some of us may also experience a sense of "calm" allowing us to instinctively do what "needs to be done" in order to protect ourselves or others from danger and thus increasing our chance of survival. Some fears we experience may be helpful(rational) and others less helpful(irrational).

At times what starts out as a helpful or adaptive form of fear.... an example: being fearful of speaking/performing in public, you spend hours in preparation which increase your self-confidence; can become maladaptive(not helpful): being fearful of speaking/performing in public you spend hours in preparation, but the more hours you spend the more hours you need, and instead of feeling more confident you feel less confident. "What if I fail" pops up and refuse to leave.

Most of us have areas/things we are fearful of, but if those fears prevent us from doing things we would like(or need) to do, then it may be helpful to ask ourselves what drives those fears. (For clarity; I am not speaking of things that are either unlawful or can cause others pain and suffering)

For example: you would like to join a choir/sports club/etc., but you fear that you are not good enough, you would like to socialise more with people, but you fear that you are not good with people, you would like to speak up more at work/school/etc. but you fear that you don't have the vocabulary skills to do so, you would like to travel to other countries but you fear that you will not cope with being in an unfamiliar setting, and so on.

Some fears we experience may be more nebulous: fear of the unknown, fear about failure, fear about the future, fear about what could happen, "what-if" fears, to mention a few.

Whatever the fear may be that is inhibiting/affecting our lives in some way, if we can find out what the "root" cause of it is, we have an opportunity to overcome it. According to some, the underlying fear that is most common to most of us, is the fear of losing control. Why do we seek control? In the hope that we may be able to manage what is happening, or what could happen in the future.

This often poses a problem in a world that is full of uncertainties and complexities.

If you fear ...(insert here your fear).........do you know why? Can you remember how it began? Do you know what triggers it? How do you deal with it? Does it work?

Being able to recognise the fear is a good beginning to being able to come to grips with it.

For many of us however, our first response is often avoidance.

Example: I fear confrontations, so I will avoid it by removing myself from such situations, I fear public speaking, so I will avoid being asked, I fear rejection so I will avoid it by never putting myself in a situation where I can be rejected, I fear being alone, so I will avoid it by always being involved with someone, I fear failure, so I will avoid it by never committing myself fully, and so on.

One by one, our fears can become like "bars" in a prison cell leaving us with less freedom to pursue activities, events, etc. which could bring meaning, satisfaction and happiness in our lives.

To remove those "bars", we need courage.

Courage, wise people say is not the absence of fear, rather, it is "feeling the fear and doing it anyway" writes Susan Jeffers. To develop our courage we may have to start small, but we need to start somewhere. Because every time we succeed, no matter how small the step, we strengthen our courage.

Perhaps a good place to begin is to value courage as an asset. Next, it may be helpful to differentiate between fears and prudence. (Walking down a dark alley at night can be dangerous, so fearing that would be prudent) Finally, sometimes facing a fear can be exciting; walking bare feet on burning coals, smashing a lump of wood with your bare hand.

If we find ourselves imprisoned by our fears, the good news is that we can free ourselves from those fears by removing them, one at the time with the help of a measure of courage.

"When you are scared you stay as you are." (Stephen Richards)

"If you are in a prison of fear... break out!" (Stephen Richards)

Pondering seasons............

Autumn.

After; Summer is over, autumn is here, the shadows are longer, the air is clear.............................

Umber; once so very yellow, red blue and green, plants change their colours, a marvellous scene

Tender; conducive to thought, mellow the light, fresh the winds, cool the nights..........................

Undeniable; spectacular the change, hard to deny, an artists palette, a Van Gogh sky...................

Melancholy; leaves fall, nights grow longer, winds blow, mood becomes sombre........................

Numerous; days of rain, clouds and thunder, migrating birds, leaves in umber.............................

 Winter

White; the colour that covers, the colour of snow, sub zero temperatures and further below

Inside; warm open fires, muted tones, layers of clothing for freezing bones........................

Nights; all so long and so very dark, flickering candles, that barely makes a mark...............

Tradition; once a year, on a midnight clear, gifts exchanged carried by a deer.....................

Ennui; longing for the sun and clear blue skies, white fluffy clouds and strawberry pies.....

Reminiscing; another year gone where did it go, vanished forever in life's ebb and flow.....

 

 Spring

Sensation; gone is the white, replaced with colour, warming winds; its almost summer....

Plentiful; manifestations of budding new life, mother nature, endures the strife.................

Revitalised; the frozen lakes, the frozen earth, the barren trees, a hopeful birth..................

Intense; the rays of the sun on uncovered skin, the sound of the lark as she begins to sing

New born; from under the cover, sprouts a new flower, all dressed in blue, just for you....

Glad; the cold is gone, the days are longer, more time to spend, more time for wonder.....

 

Summer

Sun; loose fitting clothes, uncovered feet, picnics and games, sweltering heat..............................

Under cover; umbrellas and hammocks, big shady trees, awnings, tarpaulins, under we squeeze 

Melting; ice creams and sundaes, chocolates and sweets, gone in a flash, gone in a beat..............

Mesmerising; a wide open ocean, slow rolling waves, shimmering lights, summer haze..............

Enchanting; long summer nights, summer romance, walks in the evenings, a meeting by chance

Relaxing; days off work, an afternoon sleep, a swim in the ocean, no time to keep......................