Crossroad moments.....new beginnings

Someone suggested that Christmas and new years holidays often provoke moments of reflection on ones life. We make new years eve resolutions, perhaps we call forgotten or "misplaced" friends and or relatives, perhaps we visit people we haven't seen in years, perhaps people seek us out, and so on. The more I thought about Christmas time being a time for reflection, the more it seemed to ring true.

Next I wondered about why we make New Year's resolutions......

A little history: The Babylonians, Romans and the knights of the medieval era, made promises at the start of the year(or end of the year) to be "good". Similar concept also exist in Judaism; one is to reflect on ones wrongdoings and seek/offer forgiveness. According to Wikipedia: "Regardless of creed, the concept is to reflect on how one can improve oneself annually".

So, perhaps, New Years Eve can be viewed as a yearly visit to the "fork in the road"; our crossroad's moment, where we can realign our choices and choose a different path/road to the one we are currently using. For many years New Year's Eve meant one thing for me; the night when the many of us hardworking musicians were paid a really decent wage. Often on such occasions, one would not crawl into bed until four or five in the morning and as far as resolutions go, the most potent one for me at that stage was "Must sleep more".

According to statistics and cynics alike; most of us don't end up keeping our resolutions.

Putting stats and cynics to the side, reflecting on how contented, fulfilled, et cetera we are with our lives can help us focus our attention on "things" we may want/need to change. Perhaps we can imagine ourselves standing at that fork in the road;  visualise that it represents the past and/or the future, what we know and/or what we can learn, where we have been and/or where we want to go to, who we were and/or who we want to be, and so on. If we do not eventually end up at a crossroads, perhaps we may consider whether we are actually "walking" in a circle?

"Time is just a human construct", some may say, "there is no such thing as a new year, all there is.... is movement".

(True enough perhaps, since some cultures vary from others. (Jewish new year, Chinese new year)

However, most cultures celebrates birth, and rebirth(death) in some form or another.)

Setting aside the philosophical debate on what time is, is not new years eve as good a day as any other to reflect on one's life; to reflect upon what is "working" and what is not?

 “Reflect upon your present blessings -- of which every man has many -- not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” (Charles Dickens)

What happens in the past stays in the past, it cannot be changed only forgiven.

What happens in the future cannot be known it can only be anticipated.

But what happens now is a choice we have been given.

“Our power lies in our small daily choices, one after another, to create eternal ripples of a life well lived.” (Mollie Marti)

Socrates put it very succinctly: "The unexamined life is not worth living".

Every new day, not only new years day, we have the opportunity to start afresh.

What may have seemed impossible yesterday, may well seem possible today...

"If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." (Lao Tzu)

The art of giving.........on finding the right gift

 

Christmas is almost here, and as I scurry about trying to buy gifts, a thought struck me. What is a gift, and what is involved in giving?

First, a definition of gift; a something given willingly to someone without payment; a present.

Apparently, there is an ongoing philosophical debate on whether human beings are actually able to truly give without any sense of reciprocity attached.

Charles Darwin was obsessed with the question of altruism(doing something for others without expectations of rewards) from the time he devised his theory of evolution; does altruism exist because it ensures the survival of our kin, or does it improve our standing in the "collective" (community) and so further our prospects?

According to findings by Dr Grafman the brain churns out a pleasurable response when we are engaged in altruistic pursuits. There is a now a body of scientific data (using fMRI)which reveals the workings of biological hardware that makes altruism possible. Parts of the midbrain lights up when people make decisions to donate to what they consider to be worthy causes. According to a study by Dr. Harbaugh, altruistic giving is neurologically similar to taking an addictive drug or finding out that you won on the lottery.

Simply put: giving to a charity/worthy cause/others makes you feel good not only because it's a good thing to do for others, but it also makes you feel good about you.

Dr. Harbaugh's  work suggests that giving without any sense of reciprocity attached, conscious or otherwise; is very rare, however, the more we give, the better we feel.

In her book "The How of Happiness", Sonja Lyubomirsky writes: “Being kind and generous leads you to perceive others more positively and more charitably.” Giving to others bring them closer to us, as us to them.

However, if we give to others predominately to make us feel good about ourselves, such extrinsic motivations may crowd out our intrinsic motivations for giving, and our interest in the welfare of others may decline. Some research suggests that individuals who devote money(time, effort) to pro-social giving(activities), reported a greater sense of happiness, in comparison to personal spending which showed no relation to their sense of happiness.

"Say what!?!" I hear you say?

Intrinsic; something is valuable for its own sake as opposed to extrinsic; being valuable for the sake of something else to which it is related in some way.

Giving for the sake of giving, not for a reward of any kind, is intrinsic in nature.

Giving in expectancy of a reward of some sort, is extrinsic.

With Christmas only a few days away, many of us are busily running about buying a multitude of gifts, but what sort of gifts are we buying?

As far as I understand it, a "good" gift is a gift that is what the receiver needs, wants, desires, and is given for the sheer joy of doing so.  To do so, however, necessitates us knowing the receiver.

Although all balls are basically round, if a basket ball is desired, a soccer ball will not hit the target. All books have words, but if a book of fiction is desired, a non-fiction one will not hit the target and so on. Giving someone a gift (whatever it is) that is something of value for the receiver, shows them that we understand what is valuable to them and has the potential of bringing us closer.

Gifts do not necessarily have to be things, we can give: our time, our attention, our support, our focus, our hands, our skills, to mention a few.

"The greatest gift you can give to others, is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance."

(Brian Tracy)

"A gift with a kind countenance, is a double present."

(Thomas Fuller)

In the middle of the Christmas frenzy, it can be easy to forget about the "gifts" we are surrounded by day after day....such as the air we breathe, the oceans with their beauty and their bounty, the trees that give us oxygen, the many splendid creatures that cohabits this planet with us, the wonders of nature with it's mountains, forests and rivers, the sky that never ends, the mystery of cosmos and micro cosmos, and let us not forget..........the gift of being able to appreciate it all.

But perhaps the greatest gift of all is life itself, and living our lives well, is our gift to life.

 

“Many people don’t realise that this lifetime is a rare opportunity… It’s a precious lifetime for every Soul who is here… We’ve come to solve the mystery of ourselves, the mystery of Soul – who we are. And it’s a wonderful journey.”

(Harold Klemp)

 

Transforming pain into love......

Third day...still no sleep. He looked in to the deep, black waters of the river. His heart was racing, his thoughts in-cohesive snippets of reflections, his body shivering. He pulled his coat tighter.

The last few days had blurred into timelessness; he felt as if he was suspended in a gasp.

A heart is no match for a petrified mind, he thought. With fingers stiff as chop sticks, he searched his pockets for his cigarettes. The pale orange light from the lighter for a brief moment separated the grey of the night and suggested life. He inhaled, and as the smoke filled his lungs he could feel his heart slowing down. The thought of returning to his dingy, empty, apartment filled him with dread. There was a time when he couldn't wait to get home, but that was when she was there. Something behind him made a noise. He turned around and starred straight into the eyes of scraggly looking dog.

The dog just sat there. "Now, where did you come from?" he asked as if the dog could answer.

The dog didn't move. Slowly he approached the dog. Still no movement. Gently he stretched out his hands while muttering "there, there". The dog allowed him to pat it but made no noise. He searched for a collar but found none. "You look hungry", he said to the dog. "Maybe the dog is hurt?" he thought. He hunched down and gently began to stroke the dog's back. The dog whimpered and as he pulled his hand back he discovered blood on it. "Geez, you are hurt" he said to the dog, "I better take you to a vet." Carefully he lifted the dog into his arms and walked to the taxi ramp he had spotted earlier. "Take us to the nearest vet, please" he said as he sat down in the backseat of the taxi with the dog in his lap. The dog whimpered but it seemed as if it understood that he was trying to help it.

"Is this your dog?" the vet asked as she looked over the dog, "she's been badly beaten" she continued.

"No, it's not my dog, I just found her", he said, "will she be okay?" "I think so, but she will need some bandaging and antibiotics. Will you pay?" the vet asked. "Yes, whatever it costs," he replied.

"Wait here", the vet said and disappeared behind a swing door. He sat down on a plastic chair which had obviously seen better days and looked around the waiting room. There were fraying posters on the walls of a myriad of different animals and a few handwritten leaflets for missing pets. An hour passed before the vet returned with the dog. "I have sutured the cut and given her an antibiotic injection. She has bruised ribs and you will have to change the bandages everyday, but she will be okay." He paid the bill, bought a red collar and some dog food. When they arrived at his apartment, he told the dog that her name from now on would be Millie and then gently laid her down on the couch. Millie looked at him as if to say thank you and then settled in to sleep. Suddenly the apartment didn't seem so dismal anymore. He walked into the kitchen and instead of reaching for the usual single malt, he poured himself a glass of water. He walked to the living room window, lit a cigarette, and noticed that the sun was just about to rise. Millie's slow breathing filled his apartment with sounds of life and he could feel a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He looked at the dog and thought; I think I can sleep now...a petrified mind is no match for a heart filled with love.

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”

(Rumi)

 

One of the amazing aspects of love, is that it often has the ability to transform if we so choose. The kind of love I am speaking of here is love that is patient, kind, that hopes all things, endures all things, and that doesn't keep a record of wrong doings. This may perhaps be seen as a tall order for some of us, but in the face of the alternative; indifference, hate, envy, et cetera, consider this; love offers forgiveness, tolerance, compassion, empathy, and hope. Hate or indifference may also transform, but rather than a transformation toward greater understanding, tolerance, and hope, it can stunt our growth and potential for a rewarding and life affirming living. In the words of Anne Frank: "Whoever is happy, will make others happy too." Or from the words of Nelson Mandela:

“No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

 

"A petrified, hateful, revengeful, or envious mind is no match for a heart filled with love" (Citizen X)

Are you in limbo?

Have you ever come across the word liminality? I must confess that until very recently the term has not been included in my vocabulary, although the experience of it, has.

So what is it? According to some it comes from the Latin word "limin" which translates to "the threshold of a doorway", and liminality refers to a "threshold period". (For a more in depth inquiry look up Arnold van Pennep and Victor Turner)

Perhaps one could describe liminality as being between different life stages; ready to move forward, to cross from what we were to what we may become, yet  somehow stuck. (I guess one may liken it to a metamorphosis: from caterpillar > pupa > butterfly)

Murray Stein, Jungian Analysis, Analytical Psychology, has this to say:

“In the state I’m calling psychological liminality, a person’s sense of identity is hung in suspension. You are no longer fixed to particular mental images in contents of your self or others. The “I” is caught up in a field that it cannot control, whose patterns it does not recognize as “me.”

A woman, retelling her experiences and emotions after surviving aggressive cancer treatment and subsequent recovery, used the term "a sense of liminality" a number of times to define her experience. Perhaps there are other traumatic and difficult times in our lives that can be described as a time of liminality? Teenage years, losing a job, dealing with serious illness, the loss of a loved one, moving house, divorce, getting married, having a child, changing jobs, et cetera?

Something happens, the impact is such that we can no longer be who we used to be, neither can we be what we are to become, so we remain on the "threshold". It can be hard to make decisions when we are standing on the threshold; we may see a great many options and possibilities, but we must choose them before we know how they will turn out.

I recently had to undergo a fairly serious operation and while laying in the hospital bed ready to be cut open, I experienced a sense of being in a liminal space, i.e.; a transitional space.

I knew that my body would be different after the op, but I did not know how all the drugs would affect me, and I was very unsure of how my emotions would be affected in recovery. In as much as that we try to prepare for a myriad of situations and possible outcomes, life seems to include periods of liminality regardless. And perhaps that is a good thing? Standing on a threshold it may be easier for us to envisage more possibilities, and experiencing a sense of uncertainty may assist us in seeking for "roads less travelled" with more hope and less fear.

When in Copenhagen with my family when I was a child, we went to an amusement park which had a big roller-coaster ride. (Well, it seemed big to me at that time) I asked my dad if he was going to ride it, but he said no. "Why not?", I asked. "Because, strange as it may seem to you right now, there will come a time when it no longer seems like fun to you", my father answered. This seemed impossible to me, I could not envisage a time when riding a roller-coaster would cease to be fun.

As we grow, we go through many "rites of passages", many liminal stages.

Starting school > finishing school, graduating college > joining the work force, changing jobs, getting engaged > getting married, the birth of a child > parenting, retirement, et cetera.

Each time we find ourselves on a threshold, we have the chance to view it as an opportunity for growth, for insight and a greater sense of awareness.

Who we are may not necessarily have to be set in cement because when we go through transitional times; threshold/liminal times, we are offered opportunities to discover new aspects of ourselves.

When my son wanted to join a basketball league, my intention was to just take him for the sign-up but somehow and in a blur, I came away from the sign-up with a clipboard and the title "coach".

Although not very confident and with little knowledge on how to be a basket ball coach, I embraced the role and learnt some invaluable lessons. When in my 20's, I went to a jazz club to listen to some music....at three am I walked out of there as the bar manager. (No time for metamorphosis, I had to just flap my wings and fly!) Although a shy person, I learnt to overcome it.

Perhaps liminality can be viewed as pausing while we ponder, reflect and digest, or as an opportunity for the discovery of new perspectives and perceptions.

There is more than one way to live a life................

 

"There are things known and things unknown, and in between them are the doors."

(Jim Morrison)

"People have a hard time letting go of  their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."

(Thich Nhat Hahn)

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thichnhath531597.html#lCt12V287WIPfSXu.99

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#vVdXp5AxWKq4slDm.99

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#vVdXp5AxWKq4slDm.99

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#vVdXp5AxWKq4slDm.99

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#vVdXp5AxWKq4slDm.99

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#vVdXp5AxWKq4slDm.99

On understanding our personal boundaries.....and others

In the aftermath of WikiLeaks and the Snowden revelations, one may perhaps wonder if there are any boundaries left. According to some, once we use the Internet, we leave a trace that can never be extinguished which leads me to ponder whether perhaps we need a "Bill of Rights for the use of Digital Information/behaviour".

Are there any actual legal or other specified boundaries for the use of that nebulous thing we call the Internet?

So far I have discovered: "IT law, Cyber law, and Computer law", but I can't help but wonder how those laws can be reinforced since "freedom of expression" is included in the Cyber Law.

The freedom of expression to "say it like it is" regardless of the consequences to others.....

Which brings me to my topic; personal boundaries.

A definition: "the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others." (Essential Life Skills.net)

Boundaries are learnt; we learn what they are in the families (nurturing environment) we grow up in.

How well those boundaries work depends to a large extent on the respect and adherence to those boundaries. If we are regularly ignored when we say "No, stop or I disagree", we may conclude that we are powerless and that our opinion is of little or no consequence.

This in turn may lead to feeling that others are more important, that we have no rights, that if we say "no" we may put a relationship at risk, and that we don't really "know" ourselves.

Would you let someone else use your toothbrush, would you agree to do something against your own conscious just to keep a friendship, would you avoid voicing your opinion because you feel you don't have the "right" to it? I did. I went even further, I remained married for years although the relationship was nearly destroying me. I was clueless about personal boundaries, although I had very strong internal ones. What are internal boundaries?

Your relationship with yourself, self-discipline, your own rules for your physical and emotional well-being. Perhaps you have as a rule to "not ridicule anyone for any reason" that you stick to, yet when someone ridicules you, you find it hard to tell them that they upset you. Becoming aware of and recognizing what our internal and personal boundaries are assists us in shouldering the responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. Without strong boundaries to identify what we deem acceptable or not for ourselves, we may hinge our self-worth on how others view/respond to us.

So how does one constructively communicate to another that they have crossed one of our boundaries?

May I suggest doing so in a direct, firm and respectful way. Using clear, concise language and remaining calm.

If we have not verbalised what our boundaries are, how will people know when or if they have breeched them? And in order for us to clearly state our boundaries we need to know ourselves what those are.

Some suggestions of areas to which we apply boundaries:

physical=personal space, hygiene, body

mental=your thinking, opinions, values

emotional=knowing/understanding your feelings, how you relate to others

material=how you view your "stuff", will you lend your toothbrush?

meta-physical=your relationship to stuff of a meta-physical nature(things you think exist but can't be seen....)

How we come to have the boundaries we have not only depends on the nurturing environments we are raised in but also on a mix of our opinions, beliefs, experiences and cultural settings. In some cultures it may be considered acceptable to just "drop in" unannounced for a cup of coffee, to touch someone on the hand when speaking, to share personal experiences, whereas in another culture to do so could be viewed as crossing a boundary. If we desire for others to respect and understand our boundaries, we need to respect and understand theirs.

Sometimes no matter how clearly or firmly we set a boundary, someone else may still choose to ignore it. In such case perhaps the best option is to just leave,.. making it clear to the other that the consequence of ignoring or disrespecting your boundaries is that you will leave.

(As long as leaving is not a form of punishment but rather for your own protection and well-being.)

Some research suggests that people with "vague" or weak boundaries tend to ignore/fail to comply with others' boundaries, which suggests to me that knowing and acknowledging our own boundaries, we are more inclined to also do so for others.

 

"Responsibility to yourself means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and naming for you; it means learning to respect and use your own brains and instincts; hence, grappling with hard work."

(Adrienne Rich)

“Never esteem anything as of advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect.” (Marcus Aurelius)

 

No off switch for your busy mind? Try mindfulness.

"Some people seem to live in their heads and others in their bodies", my son said. (Having a vivid imagination I instantly envisaged people with huge heads and scrawny bodies, and vice verse.)

"What do you mean?" I asked.

In brief, he suggested that some of us become so preoccupied with what goes on in our heads that we may forget, neglect, to pay attention to what goes on with our bodies and some of us focus most of our attention on our bodies and forget, neglect to pay attention to the goings on in our minds.

A wise person suggested to me that practising "mindfulness" may help me to experience my body and mind as a whole rather than constantly "living in my head". Mindfulness?

I had heard the term on a number of occasions, I had even read about it, but I didn't seem to be able to grasp the concept so that I could apply it to my life.

Perhaps a definition:  "a present-centred awareness in which each thought/feeling/sensation that arises is acknowledged and accepted as it is." 

For some of us who "live in our heads" most of the time, awareness of our thoughts is a given, actually, it may even be difficult to stop the constant flow of them. My older sister once asked me: "Don't you have an off switch?" which lead me to become aware of just how "busy" my head is most of the time. So, how does one switch of a busy mind, I wondered? Some suggested meditation, others suggested to go for a long walk, listen to music, and so on, but none of it worked for me....my mind still kept on buzzing. Some say we have approximately 40.0000-60.000 thoughts each day (how exactly is that measured? was my first thought when I read that stat) and if that is correct, then no wonder ones head is so busy. The image(painting) I have used in this post is made from a photo of a man I took when rushing about in the city. In the midst of all the hustle and bustle, there he was, sitting quietly and peacefully with a "Monalisa" smile on his lips, totally still and what seemed to me to be in a state of contentment. Perhaps he was practising "mindfulness" I thought.

Have you ever been told; "you think too much, you think too deep, you live too much in your head", etc.? Or perhaps, the opposite; "you need to think more, you are too busy doing and not thinking enough", and so on. Is there a "right" amount of thinking then? one may wonder.

Perhaps at times we may prefer to not think too deeply about certain issues, in a sense postponing the thinking for another time when we may "feel" more ready to deal with it. On the other hand, at other times we may choose to stop "doing" in order to allow ourselves to process our thoughts.

As a person with no "off" switch, I often find my thoughts preoccupied with the future and the never ending "what-if's" but as an "antidote" I have found the words "Where ever you are, be there" to be highly effective. Which brings me back to mindfulness......

I struggled with the concept until one day, by accident it seemed, I found my own way of understanding it. Comfortable on the couch reading a book, a late afternoon, a bit windy, fairly warm and with a lingering sense of tranquillity, I noticed a cricket serenading outside the window.

I closed my eyes, put down the book, and focused all my attention on the cricket. Still conscious of the wind, the couch, and the ambiance of the space I was in, I found that by directing my attention like a laser beam to the sound of the cricket, it allowed for me to be truly present in the moment ....( present-centred awareness in which each thought/feeling/sensation that arises is acknowledged and accepted as it is)

It felt like I had put the mind into neutral, (like putting the gear in a car into neutral) and there was a sense of weightlessness about it. Since then I have used other sounds such as: different types of cooling fans, birds, the wind, a particular instrument when listening to music, the sound of the ocean, and so on. The cricket helped me to find a way to put my mind in neutral.......to learn how to enjoy mindfulness. If this is something that sounds good to you, may I suggest that you seek for your own  "cricket"....whatever it may be.....:))))

Is this not just like meditation? you may ask. My answer is; not to me...I could not meditate for the life of me, even using a mantra...my thoughts would not settle. Meditation seemed to me to be a mental exercise with the purpose of  achieving an increased level of spiritual awareness, whereas mindfulness is more about attention and awareness, of experiencing the moment. (non-judgementally)

If you are a person who prefers to be doing rather than thinking, may I suggest grabbing a moment to sit down and wait for your mind and soul to catch up with the rest of you?

And if you find it hard to switch off your busy mind, may I suggest mindfulness?

“Don't believe everything you think. Thoughts are just that - thoughts.”

(Allan Lokos)

“Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).”

(James Baraz)