What is perception?

 

"As the sun climbs across the horizon, the boy starts the long walk to the well. Slowly he is joined by other children with determined faces carrying plastic buckets. Although it is a long and arduous walk to fetch the water, none of the children grumble. Water is life, water is precious; a lesson learnt very early in their young lives."

"In a suburb of City X, the automatic sprinklers turn on as the paperboy throws the rolled up news paper on the well manicured  lawn. In the kitchen the kettle is boiling, the dishwasher mumbling, and in the laundry the washing machine is humming. Upstairs junior is having a shower in the children's bathroom while dad is having his in the on-suite. Katie is brushing her teeth with the tap running, while mom is rinsing a few delicates in the basin."

Water is water, in one instance perhaps perceived as a given, something that just is there in the taps, in another situation it may be perceived as something without which life isn't possible. (Of course, human beings, no matter what, where, who, or his/her perception of water, depend on it to stay alive.)

Perception, is one of those many ambiguous words we commonly use. ("Perception may be thought of as the orientation of your internal state of mind," says the Urban Dictionary) One way of viewing perception is to equate it with

our sensory experience of the world around us and how we then organise, identify, and interpret that information so we may understand it.

"You were rude to me," she said. "What do you mean?" he asked, "I was only telling you the truth".

"Well, it may be the truth to you, but it isn't to me!" she answered angrily.

"You said that the new doctor is really nice, I feel that he is really insensitive".

"I thought you said it was a short walk to the station, I hate to see what a long walk is for you then."

Perhaps in simple terms one could define it as such: There is a Perceiver (a person becoming aware of something), there is a Situation/Event/Person/Issue, and there is an Interpretation of the sensation/experience by the Perceiver.

The mechanisms that form our perceptions however, operate mostly below the level of consciousness, so basically we cannot sense how we sense. Consider optical illusions for instance, your eyes will have you convinced something is absolutely one thing, but the mind will tell you that it isn't. There are amputees that are sure that they can still "feel" their amputated limbs. (Phantom limb syndrome) How can we determine when our sense information is accurate?

Often our obliviousness to our act of interpretation of information, leave us insensitive to the possibility of error.

Is what we "see" what we want to "see", or are we oblivious to information we prefer not to "see"?

Is feeling that we "know" something the same as actually knowing?

Often when we claim to know something, we exclude the possibility that we may be wrong, however,

thing is, what method do we apply to know what we know?

Since we can't sense our minds reconstructing memories/information across the many regions of our brain, we may encounter the same problems with our memory that we have with perception. (Optical illusions, phantom limbs etc.)

We may know that the earth is round, that the stars can still be seen long after they have "died", that we are nano-specs in the sight of the cosmos, yet we stand on ground that is flat, watch stars that are stationary with the apex of heaven right above us; hence our perception may become at odds with what we know. On a quantum level, what does the world we know look like, feel like?

Perhaps perception can be defined as an "attitude/understanding based on what is observed or thought".

Most of us are prone to regard the ideas in our heads as direct reflections of reality, and interactions with others who challenge this notion may be asked to: "Get real!" "Check your facts!" "What planet are you living on" et cetera.

Before the age of five most of us are Naïve Realists (=the mind and the world, never diverge from each other), but we "grow out of it". We learn to determine what is probable based on our prior experience of the world; we choose the most likely answer to any given question based on our experiences from comparable situations.

Problem may be though, that much of our biases/belief formation does not take place in, nor leave any traces in conscious thought, so our biases become virtually invisible and exculpatory to us.

"Look at that kid with the hoodie, bet he's got something to hide why else would he have the hood up?"

(People wearing hoodies are suspect)

"Sheeesh, that woman in that short dress is asking for trouble."

(Women wearing short dresses are purposefully provocative)

For some of us "to know" something is akin to scientific method: observations leading to a hypotheses (must be testable)

the hypotheses are subject to experiments (results must be reproducible), outcome is a theory which is logically consistent, empirically tested.

If science says something is so, then we know it is so. For some of us.

For some of us to know is: I can touch it, see it, hear it, smell it, taste it, feel it...I know it to be so.

Yet others may conclude: I have researched, studied and been instructed, I have thought about this....I know it to be so.

For some of us, perception is knowing, for others knowing is perception, yet some of us may conclude that "gut instincts" is knowing on a deeper level. On the other hand, for some of perhaps it is: "That's how I feel, so it is real."

My hunch is that for most of us, its a question of using a mixture of all the above.

I find it interesting that we use "scientifically proven" as some sort of guarantee for knowing (beyond scrutiny) since science have made some giant blunders. In the eyes of science, by knowing what is not so, we edge our way toward what is so.

For some of us perhaps perception is not about what is "real", but what is real to us....not about what is considered to be "true" as much as what we consider to be true to us.

Example: Your car brakes down on the way home. You find yourself stranded in a location you have never even stopped in before, little less at night. As far as you can see, there is no public phone and your cell phone has run out of battery.

You realise that you have forgotten to get petrol and that the tank is empty. Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, a kid in a hoodie taps on your side window, what do you do? What if the person tapping on the window is a priest, a policeman, a drunk, a nurse, a soldier, a person walking the dog, would you respond the same way?

 "There are things known, and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception." (Aldous Huxley)

 "Anybody who's ever gone through a hard time - any outsider's perception, no matter how much information they're given, they have no idea what the person's life is like." (Amy Grant)

 

"There is no truth, only perception." (Gustave Flaubert)

 

Acceptance is not the same as agreeing......

 

 

And then there was nothing.........no angry voices.......no accusing  eyes......no tears....... no "toing-and-froing"....no sounds........even time seemed to have stopped. This was the beginning.

First we probably tried denial. "Nothing is going to happen, everything is fine." "We've been through worse than this and it all got sorted." "I don't want to think about it."

All over this blue and green planet there are some of us for which time has stopped at some point or another. That which we feared most of all.......happened.

A child died, a best friend lost his battle with addiction, a partner found someone else, a marriage ended, a war broke out, drought swept the land, fire ravaged the farm, water raised its voice and reclaimed some of its earlier territories, a drunk driver lost control and his vehicle became a weapon of mass destruction, a brother/sister lost his/her battle with illness and ended his/her life, and so the list goes on.  Denial is used by many of us as a first line of defence against the unmentionables; the loss of a loved ones, the loss of ones home, ones job, ones mind, ones heart.

Albeit that denial can be used as a buffer for awhile, eventually most of us will find it lacking as a coping strategy.

Next we try anger. We may rage against the diagnosis, the injustice, the drunk driver, the crazy person with the gun, against nature, against GOD(whoever or whatever we perceive GOD to be), against drugs, crime, against despots, the randomness of life and death, against apathy, indifference and alienation; we rage against the machine. Anger is a powerful emotion, it can help us stay abreast of other emotions, it can motivate us into action, to climb the "barricades" and demand justice and fairness for all, for new research, better medications, better care and so on.

Anger can help us suppress nagging questions and keep the very persistent "but why?" at bay in order for us to instead concentrate our attention on who to blame. So some of us blame ourselves, some of us blame others, some blame society, some the "faceless men" etc. Although anger has its points,......it takes its toll on us, our family and friends.

Eventually we move on to bargaining.

We look for compromises. "Let's not brake up, surely we can find a compromise?"......"Maybe we should see another doctor, maybe there's another medication"?......  "Maybe if I go back and speak with the boss I can get my job back?"

"Let's stay friends?"....."Maybe if I could just understand why this happened, I could find a new solution?"

Perhaps we add some guilt: "If I would have only...xyx, then...?"..."I should have, could have....."

While we are bargaining, we are still clinging on to a false hope that we may be able to change the outcome, but eventually we realize that we can't.

Enter depression.

"What's the point?" may likely become a well used mantra.(favourite catch phrase) Denial didn't work, neither did anger or bargaining,  so what's left? For many of us what is left is profound sadness: "Who cares, why bother, what difference does it make";  phrases that at this point seem to make a lot of sense.

Perhaps silence may have become preferable? Words have lost their meaning, we may not be able to manage any interest for others and prefer to be alone. We could possibly find ourselves overwhelmed by emotions, tears, and incessant crying mixed with numbness. However, the "Why" ................has slowly begun to loose it's power.

Suddenly the struggle stops.

        Or so it seems. (We are all different)

We have arrived at acceptance.

"Then one morning, he saw the sun again. He heard music, children's laughter; he heard life, and then he took a deep breath. The sadness still hung in the air like a heavy mist, but carefully and with determination, he allowed himself to take a life affirming breath, one after the other, and then......he exhaled."

Arriving at acceptance, we no longer seek to alter, embroider, sugar coat, minimise or maximise our/the situation.

Albeit somewhat wobbly for some of us, we are ready to do the work of moving forward.

(The concept of acceptance is closely related to the Latin word "acquiescere" which means to "rest in".)

According toWikipedia: "Acceptance in human psychology is a person's assent to the reality of a situation, recognising a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit."

Having experienced a divorce and the loss of a brother and a number of very good friends, I have lived through these different stages a number of times myself.

E. Tolle writes in his book "The Power of Now" this about acceptance: "a "this is it" response to anything occurring in any moment of life. There, strength and serenity are available when one stops struggling to resist, or hang on to tightly to what is so in any given moment."

 With acceptance there is an opportunity to experience a sense of relief; one may not agree with a certain situation/points of views, but that is not necessary in order to accept it. Ageing happens, we may not like it, but it will happen to us.

Cosmetics industries may prefer us not to accept it or else they may loose huge profits, but eventually there are no amounts of cutting or slicing, cremes or magic potions that will stop humans from ageing.

If we try, we may find the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, change the things we cannot accept, and develop the wisdom to know the difference. (My interpretation of the Serenity prayer)

 

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” (Lao Tzu)

 

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn't try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn't need others' approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.” (Lao Tzu)

 

 

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.......

 

 Most of us probably feel that we can handle our own issues, problems and difficult situations, sometimes though,...we may benefit from asking for help.

Asking for help for some can be experienced as a sign of dependence, weakness, lack of inner strength, inability to shoulder ones responsibilities, poor coping skills.

When we speak of to help, the definition in the Free Online Dictionary defines it as; to give assistance, aid, support.

While shifting an upright piano with a friend, he lost his footing. Suddenly I had the whole weight of the piano on my right foot. So I cried out: "Help!!! get the piano of my foot, it's crushing it!" I could not lift the piano off my foot alone, so to ask for help in this situation caused no moral or emotional dilemma.

 In some circumstances/situations, to ask for help is a straight forward request and has no subtext or undertones.

Someone falls down, asking for help to get up most of us would consider void of moral implications. Asking for help with road directions, locations, what time it is, where the nearest toilet is, help with lifting something heavy, etc. I would also view as being without moral implications.

What if someone asks for help because: they are lonely, confused, conflicted, depressed, going through a divorce, lost their partner, lost their job, has a life-threatening illness, has a mental health issue, has a drug issue, etc.?

What if we are the ones who are afflicted with any of these issues?

When I was in training for crisis counselling, we had to do all-niters at a call-centre receiving many, many phone calls from people asking for help. These were anonymous callers, and we were anonymous counsellors.

More often than not, the callers began with: "Please, can you help me I have problems with.......or.....I have never called before but I need help."

Do we find it easier to ask for help from a stranger than friends and family?

Does asking for help undermine our sense of independence, our ability to cope, is it a sign of weakness?

If we view it as a sign of weakness, then why?

"If I ask for help, they may think less of me." If I ask for help I may seem vulnerable and incapable." "If I ask for help the other/s may use it against me."

"If I ask for help I will seem incompetent in handling my own affairs."

Self-sufficiency is highly regarded and asking for help may be viewed as a lack thereof so we often choose not to ask for help, but human beings are social creatures, we may consider ourselves as highly independent, but we still all belong somewhere, we all function in a social context with others, we are interdependent.

If the car does not work, we get help fixing it from a car mechanic.(Unless one is one) If we brake our leg, we get help from a doctor. If the house needs repainting, we get help from a painter. If a tooth starts to hurt, we get help from a dentist and so on. Independent as we may be, most of us do not do our own surgery, repair our own computers, build our own houses, pull our own teeth, grow our own food, etc.

What do we do when our hearts are broken, our souls need mending and our minds are fractured?

Most of the callers issues calling the helpline/call centre fell into the above broad categories, but perhaps the issues can be narrowed down even more into: "why doesn't anyone love me, what is so wrong with me, what am I doing wrong? I need help, but I don't know where to go."

There is no stigma attached to going to a doctor for a broken leg, but how do we view going to a psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor for a "broken heart/mind"? Most of us are not doctors, so when our bodies are not functioning properly we seek a doctors advice and help, but are we equally eager to seek the assistance and help from "mind/soul/heart doctors" (psychiatrists/psychologists) when our emotions/thoughts baffle and confuse us?

I hope so.

Most of us perhaps think that we should be able to cope alone, that we can manage on our own, the heroes in the movies certainly seem to do so, but even Batman had his Robin, Superman his Lois and Jimmy, John Lennon his Paul McCartney.

According to some research, one of the reasons Neanderthal Man did not survive as a species was due to a lack of a congenial social arrangement; i.e. "didn't play well with others", homo sapiens on the other hand flourished because they did. Helping each other procured their survival.

 

"When I studied music at Music School, I met a very talented musician. Barely out of his teen's, he played the saxophone like he was born with it in his hand. From a background of actors/performers and musicians/composers, we all thought he was destined for success.  He improvised flawlessly, we were all spellbound by his tone, his big sound and incredible melodic sense. But he was very anxious and restless, so to compensate he began to drink,.... lots.....and often. Classes became boring to HP, totally uninteresting so he joined a band. He started touring,... then he started drugs as well as drinking.....then he dropped out of Music School altogether...... Then he disappeared. Three years later I finished my studies and began working in a Jazz Night Club as a bar manager. HP suddenly showed up and asked for a job as a bartender. He was in a mess, so I gave him a job.

He needed help. He did not want any. I left the Night Club a year later and flew to Australia where I live today.

The last time I was back in Sweden, I asked about HP. According to Steve, HP no longer existed, rather what was left of him was a shell of a man, a homeless man, possessed by one thought only: where to get his next drink from.

I wish he would have asked for help."

 

Asking for help can be viewed as strength; it takes a strong person to accept his/her own weaknesses.

Asking for help can be viewed as giving; we give our trust, our confidence to another.

Asking for help can be viewed as learning; by conceding to not being "all-knowing", we are open to learn new ways of coping/understanding events and experiences that are causing us concern and/or confusion.

 

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself." (Harvey Fierstein)

 

"Asking for help does not mean that we are weak or incompetent. It usually indicates an advanced level of honesty and intelligence.” (Anne Wilson Schaef)

A boy was having difficulty lifting a heavy stone.

His father came along just then.

Noting the boy’s failure, he asked, “Are you using all your strength?”

“Yes, I am,” the boy said impatiently.

“No, you are not,” the father answered.

“I am right here just waiting, and you haven’t asked me to help you.”

- Anon

 

I want to let go, but I don't know how to................

 

Coping strategies.

We all have them, question may be what we do when they no longer work.

A coping strategy is basically a behaviour which helps us cope/function better in different situations.

We use our coping strategies to manage our personal and interpersonal relationships, to handle stress, our emotions, or conflicts. The nature of our coping responses are mix of personality, environmental factors and stressors, and social context.

Example: When it rains we use an umbrella to cope with the rain; the umbrella can be viewed as our coping strategy/tool.

The umbrella prevents us from getting wet, and even if it just looks like it is going to rain we may still prefer to have it on hand just in case; the purpose of the umbrella being that of protection.

It has been suggested that there are three main types of coping strategies:

Problem-focused  >  Emotion focused

Engagement  >  Disengagement

Cognitive(thinking)  >  Behavioural

Wayne Weiten ( a graduate of Bradley University, received his Ph.D. in social psychology from the University of Illinois, Chicago in 1981) in his psychology textbook provides following summary:

"Three broad areas such as: adaptive cognitive focus=appraisal focus, problem focus=coping behaviour directed at reducing/eliminating a stressor, emotion focus=directed towards changing ones own responses to a stressor."

All these strategies may work well, on their own or mixed together, and commonly they change over time.

What happens when none of our strategies seem to work any more?

Like in the painting, the umbrella(our coping strategy) is turned inside out and no longer protects us because the" wind" is too strong, then what?

We may appraise the situation and consider that we perhaps need to modify or change our thinking, our behaviour, our emotional responses which in turn may lead us to consider that we may have to "let go".

But isn't letting go the same as giving up, giving in, concede defeat, not standing ones ground?

Not necessarily. It can mean just leaving it be, detaching oneself from whatever attachments one may have to a person/s, situation/s, emotion/s.

One definition of a fool is someone doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting a different outcome.

Habits can perhaps be viewed as coping strategies, but if those habits begin to control our thinking, behaviour and emotions, they no longer help us to cope, and we may need new coping strategies to cope with those habits.

There are aspects of "letting go" which may be difficult, even painful, because change for most of us is tricky.

At times letting go can be scary and may even feel like a loss of a part of oneself.

If I am not the clown, then who am I?

If I am not the broody, sarcastic artist, then who am I?

If I am not the fast-talking, hard-drinking, no-nonsense person, then who am I?

If I am not the self-sacrificing always at hand parent, then who am I?

If I am not the skinny/fit/muscly/over weight/etc. etc. person, then who am I?

Sometimes life takes unexpected turns, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse, whatever comes our way we have our own ways of dealing with the events, but when those ways no longer help us, it may be time to consider finding new ways, of letting go of the no longer working coping strategies.

According to Folkman and Lazarus we use five emotion-focused coping strategies:

Adaptive coping: We disclaim, escape/avoid, accept responsibility or blame, exercise self-control, and/or positive reappraisal.

Adaptive coping strategies improve functioning, while maladaptive coping strategies just reduce symptoms. (They maintain rather than improve)

Maladaptive behaviours such as: self-medication, anxious avoidance, dissociation, risky behaviours, denial, safety behaviours( must check the doors) etc.

 

If the past haunts you, perhaps its time to let it go and focus on the now. If resentment, regret and guilt comes knocking on your door, send hope, joy and compassion to answer it. We can't change the past, but we can affect the now and our future. At times a positive affirmation can be helpful; "I choose to focus forward." "I choose to let go of the past."

If the loss of someone you loved prevents you from allowing new love into your life, let go and open your heart for the possibility of a new connection. There is no statute of limitation on love, its endless.

If the future scares you and it seems like the world is on a self-destruct course, let go of worrying and do something positive for your community today. "Be the change you want to see in the world" is Gandhi's advice.

Change is not possible without change: if, whatever it is, is keeping you stuck, let go, change the "record".

If the "umbrella" no longer protects you, or keeps the rain out, perhaps it's time for a new one, or get out of the "weather"?

Every new day presents you with a new opportunity for new thoughts, new coping strategies, a new present.

 

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”   (Steve Maraboli)

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't.”   (Steve Maraboli)

 

How can I make myself more understood?

 

"That's what you said," he exclaims.

"No, it isn't!" she responds.

"Don't lie, I heard you," he answers.

"You never hear what I say", she says quietly and walks away.

Through language; talking; (I am excluding writing language at the moment) we communicate with each other and one could perhaps say: "Yeah, and so....?"

Is it as easy as an exchange of words, information? Is communication the same as speaking?

Some definitions perhaps:

Speaking/talking = an oral projection of someone's voice; one does not need a listener to speak/talk, it can be done regardless.

Communication = we can communicate using the spoken or written word, it can be done with hand gestures, body language, or images, and for visually impaired people it can be done through Braille.

Communication comes from the Latin word "communis" which means to share, so basically it is an interactive exercise.

Some common sayings: "They were speaking at crossed purposes", "Speaking to oneself", "It's easy to do the talk, can you do the walk?" "It's easier to say what you mean than to mean what you say"......and so on.

Communication theory suggests that communication involves a sender and receiver conveying information through a communication channel. (Visual, oral or non-verbal)

The optimal outcome is understanding. An example:

Have you ever watched a baby with a rattle? The baby throws it, you pick it up, immediately the baby throws it again, you pick it up, etc. etc. etc. Is the baby missing the point? Is the baby making a point? Is the point the throwing and subsequent picking-up? Is the baby communicating?

So the baby is the sender, you are the receiver, the rattle throwing/picking up, is the message.

But what does it all mean? Why does the baby keep throwing away the rattle?

What is the meaning of the message?

The sender encodes the message/information, into a form that is appropriate, and the receiver decodes it in order to understand the meaning.

The baby throws the rattle, you pick it up. The baby is amused and feels connected to you, so the rattle is thrown again.

It becomes a "game", a communication between the baby and you, you understand each other.

Talking/speaking, is a primary way us humans use to establish, maintain, monitor and adjust our relationships.

However, words, can be very ambiguous, and although we may think we are very clear when we speak, there can be many misunderstandings because words can have so many different meanings to different people. A table can be a piece of furniture but it can also be a mathematical term as in multiplication table. Funny comical or funny peculiar, hot as in looks or in temperature, bored as in uninterested or drilled, etc. etc.

"You look funny, what's happening?" she says.

"What do you mean with funny, do you mean I look strange or what do you mean?" he asks.

"Forget it," she answers.

Often we assume that others meaning is the same as ours, that our interpretation of the message is the same as the receivers. The sender: Message: "You look funny". Meaning = you look whimsical. Receiver: "I look funny". Meaning = I look strange.

When we say something, we may experience that as just talking, but what we say and how we say it are chosen from a lot of possibilities. The tone of voice, the body language, the choice of words, the volume.

Some people use gestures when they speak, some people like to move about, some people speak animatedly, some people speak softly others loudly, some people speak with few breaks in between sentences, some with long pauses, etc. etc.

On top of this there are also differences between different countries, cultures, ethnicity's, socio-economical backgrounds, regions and so on.

Some suggest that "Western" (not the cowboy type) men (other cultures may differ) prefer to exchange information, to not "beat around the bush, get to the nitty-gritty", i;e information is more important than the "meta-message"; the subtext/meaning. Stereotypically women are portrayed as talking at length without conveying any significant information (not my opinion!), yet women's ability to keep "talking", communicating, aids in establishing and keeping close friendships. Richard Cohen, a columnist at The Washington Post, observed that he and other men he knows only speak to each other if they feel they have something substantive to speak of, and as a result of this, many men may find themselves without personal contacts when they retire. If a person concludes that only conversation of the information kind has any real value, then that attitude/view will affect his/her relationship with other people. We need to get close to each other to have a sense of community, but to be independent beings, we also need distance. We use communication to keep the balance.  This is an ongoing pursuit: we balance independence and involvement, freedom and security, what we know with what we don't know.

Language with all its imperfections, is one of the tools we use to make sense of ours, and others world.

When we speak we are the sender, those we speak with, are the receivers, what we speak of, is the message.......but how the message is understood, is determined by the meaning the receiver applies to the message.

Sender: "Would you like to meet up for coffee later?"

The message according to the sender is a request for a some time with the receiver to have a coffee and chat.

Receiver's possible interpretations: He/she wants to have a chat over a coffee

                                                           He/she has something to tell me in private.

                                                                He/she is interested in me on a personal level.

Of course, the receiver could also ask the sender: "Is there any particular reason on your mind?"

Asking for clarification if something seems ambiguous can be very helpful.

"When you said that, what did you mean"?

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean, can you please explain"?

"What does that word ..xyx....mean to you?"

The message and the meaning are two very separate aspects. If the message is mainly information as in: How many? So many, Where?, there, etc. etc. then there is less room for error or misinterpretations, but exchanging only information is not very effective in creating connections with others, or maintaining personal relationships.

Often we assume that what we feel in reaction to a message, is what they (the senders) wanted us to feel; I feel overpowered=he/she wants me to feel that way, I feel disrespected=he/she wants me to feel that way, I feel angry=he/she wants me to feel that way. Before we assume or jump to any conclusion, perhaps we would benefit more from just asking

 for clarification, for the sender to explain their meaning to the message?

When we speak to each other face to face, we can see the others facial expressions, hear their intonations, watch their body language, sense their presence, and yet we often misunderstand each other.

"I'm a great believer that any tool that enhances communication has profound effects in terms of how people can learn from each other, and how they can achieve the kind of freedoms that they're interested in." (Bill Gates)

 

 "To effectively communicate, we must realise that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others." (Tony Robbins)

Indifference is the opposite of love

In barrios, favelas, ghettos, shanty towns, people live hard lives.

Which is not to say that suffering is exclusive to the poor, suffering is no respecter of persons, suffering may happen to anyone, at any time, anywhere. None of us are immune.

I guess one may ask if suffering happens to some more than others, and if so, why?

One may possibly suggest that ultimately we are all responsible for our own lives, so if we suffer more than some, we deserve/own it, and if one suffers less than some, we deserve/own it as well.

I personally do not adhere to that way of thinking, I personally do not think we necessarily get what we deserve.

My view is that no one deserves to suffer, suffering is a consequence to a set of circumstances which a person may have had a hand in or not. Is not one of many amazing aspects of a human her ability to rise above, to regroup, to learn, to find courage in the midst of experiencing unmentionable suffering, her own as well as others?

But what will happen if we become indifferent?

What happens to a society in which its citizens no longer has the time or inclination for compassion, understanding or empathy?

If we get what we deserve, then what about natural disasters, genetic mishaps, accidents, unforeseen incidents, etc.?

Does it really matter who or what instigated the suffering, would it not be more productive perhaps to concern ourselves with what can be done to help alleviate it?

A child has nothing to do with who his/her parents are or into what set of circumstances he/she is born into;

 we were all born(or adopted) into our circumstances; we did not choose them, neither did we choose our genetic makeup.

Are we becoming desensitised, indifferent to others suffering in pursuit of our own peace of mind?

Some suggest that with this age of technology and information, we are at risk of becoming desensitised to the plight of others less fortunate since we have it displayed on screen 24/7. We watch "live to air" as bombs fall, bullets being fired, buildings burning, people frantically searching for cover to save their lives, walls of water destroying villages, hurricanes and tornadoes ripping up everything in their way, fires devastating land, creature and property, earthquakes disintegrating whole cities, and much more. We also entertain ourselves by pretending all matters of devastating scenarios with games so graphically elaborate that it seems "real". All at arms length, until it happens to us.

After an experience of having our car stolen, our houses burgled, a close encounter in a mugging, getting caught in a brawl we had nothing to do with, having our pin number hacked, being run off the road due to a car chase, etc. etc. indifference is no longer an option, we become involved emotionally.

On the way home from a late night gig(music) I was almost run off the road by a car travelling at a very high speed.

A few kilometres later I saw the driver of the car loose control, flipping the car across the highway and then jack knife around a tree. Seconds later it exploded and started to burn. Weak at the knees I drove to the nearby gas station, ran into the building shouting "Help, help, there's been a terrible car accident, call the ambulance, fire brigade and police!!".

By the time the ambulance arrived the 17 year old passenger was dead, but the very, very drunk driver, unscathed.

When the police was taking my statement, I was told that I would be required to give an eye-witness account in court.

Waiting to be called to appear in court prolonged the memory, the image, of what I had seen and for months it was the last thing I "saw" before I fell asleep at night.

Since I had never witnessed anything like this before, ........ it took me a long time to process.

The event led me to ponder:

What happens to people who witness traumatic events/situations on a daily basis? What happens to a person emotionally who has to deal with horrific scenes regularly? What happens to a child in such circumstances?

What happens to a person emotionally who plays games on a daily basis which involves violence and death?

What happens to people emotionally who live lives under a constant threat of death, starvation, eviction, deadly diseases, poverty?

What happens to people emotionally who don't?

What happens to a human's sense of compassion if we can choose away all the "bad" stuff?

"I know there is a lot of suffering, but what can I do?" "There's always going to be people suffering."

"All that is necessary for evil to succeed, is for good people to do nothing." (Edmund Burke)

Is there an "emoticon" for compassion?

Have we reduced the complexity of emotions to a mere circle with a few lines?

Perhaps we prefer indifference rather than love and compassion, it is certainly more "time-effective".

On the other hand, how do we feel about others being indifferent to our needs and desires?

Regardless of our nationality, tribe, gender, social ranking, material possessions, political or philosophical views, we are all humans and we all desire to be loved, to love, to be included, to belong, to be cared for and to care for.

If you want to be treated with respect, chances are that so do others. If you want to be loved and to love, chances are that so do others. If you want to be heard and listened to, chances are that so do others. If you want the opportunity to pursue happiness and contentment, chances are that so do others.

If you deserve a "good life", do not others?

Every new moment offers us the opportunity to show some kindness, compassion and consideration.

This is the moment.

 

“Whenever you feel like criticising any one...just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had.”   (F. Scott Fitzgerald)
“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

(Leo Buscaglia)

 

Why did I do that? If I only could take it all back....

 

 "Oh man, I shouldn't have done that", he mutters under his breath as the sunlight penetrates the drawn curtains and the jackhammer in his head pries loose bits of his brain."

"As soon as she said it, she knew she shouldn't have done so, yet she remained silent." 

"As he drove away he knew that he should have stayed and made sure she was safe, yet he keep on driving."

 

Why do we do things we don't want to do, and the things we want to do, we don't do?

And then when we have done what we didn't really want to do, why do we find it so hard to undo them?

We may want to be "angels", but some how we behave like "trolls". Put another way: why do we do "bad" things when our intention is to do "good"? Bad, as in hurtful to others and/or one self, and good, as in kind/generous/loving to others and/or one self.

Personally I believe there are many plausible reasons but in this blog I am only going to focus on one: the ego.

Definition of Ego: "The self, as distinct from the world and other selves, a persons sense of self-esteem and self-importance, pride about oneself."

(For those interested in the deeper aspects, According to Freud, the ego is the part of personality that helps us deal with reality by mediating between the demands of the id, superego, and the environment.)

Commonly, anything to do with the ego is often viewed as a trait more on the negative rather than the positive side; egotistical=someone who thinks they are the best and are never wrong(urban dictionary)egocentric=the ego is the centre, object and norm of all experience.

I have been fascinated all my life by the fact that children don't seem to have to be taught how to be ego-focused. From the get-go it appears, they will instinctively hold on to their rattle(whatever toy)and any attempt by some other child to have a turn is often met with a stern NO! or pulling the toy closer to themselves. Like Golem caressing the "Precious", it appears we caress our egos. The ego is very strong, it has power, and at times we may find ourselves under its spell.

Someone parks their car in "our" spot, how dare they? Someone cuts in line at the grocery store, the audacity! Someone eats our last bit of chocolate, the nerve! Someone else gets the promotion we worked so hard for, how unfair!

We have very strong feelings about what is ours, be it material possessions or relationships and infringements often incur intense emotional reactions. We may view ourselves as open minded and generous, tolerant and accepting, only to find ourselves challenged when someone tries to have a go with our "rattle". Before we know it, and sometimes we may be just as perplexed by our outburst as others, we snatch back the "rattle" and all intentions of "sharing" are gone.

Intellectually we may conclude that what we did was very childish, stupid, and egotistical, yet at the same time we don't seem to be able to alter our behaviour, .......the ego has us spellbound.

Why is it at times so hard to say sorry? To say I was wrong? To say I shouldn't have done that?

Some of us may find it easier than others, but most of us find it difficult to say: "I was wrong, I am sorry."

Where does the resistance come from? Is there a Golem inside of each of us protecting our precious ego?

  Even when we know we did something wrong/bad, we often experience resistance to admitting to such. "Okay, I was wrong, but......", "I realise that now, but....."You're right, but....."
According to M. Scott Peck, we experience resistance because more than anything else, we humans want to be right, and to admit to being wrong diminishes our sense of self. (The ego part)
 So here we are, we did something, said something, we knew was hurtful to the other yet we still did/said it.

Can we take it all back? Unless our lives has a "do-over-button", no we can't, but there are other things we can do because  we have a choice in the matter of how much we listen to our egos.

There will probably always be times in our lives when our emotions will get the better of us, when listening to the ego seems to make more sense than to our conscience(inner self), but we can put up a fight.

One of the amazing aspects of ignoring the ego and listening to the inner self (who seeks to do no harm), is that when we do "good" we feel good, which in turn helps us to ignore the seductive whispers of the ego.

(The ego may whisper to love yourself (me, me, me) excessively and foremost, that greed is good, and that being overambitious is just another word for being focused.)

The inner self, (True Self) however, knows that there are opportunities for growth, healing and evolution presented in both painful and joyful experiences.

 

"After the ego has perished,
the true self rises from its dust
like desert flowers
after spring showers
have swept across arid plains."

(The Tao is Tao, 21)

 

Even though we can not take back "bad" things said or done, we can mend.

We can learn. We can change. We can apologise. We can forgive.

We can try again.

 

"The wise are wary of words,
which corrupt rather than cure.
They know
verbosity
is the obesity of the ego,
the symptom of ignorance."

(The Tao is Tao, 93)

 

(about the painting: "The ego is no angel")