Crossroad moments.....new beginnings

Someone suggested that Christmas and new years holidays often provoke moments of reflection on ones life. We make new years eve resolutions, perhaps we call forgotten or "misplaced" friends and or relatives, perhaps we visit people we haven't seen in years, perhaps people seek us out, and so on. The more I thought about Christmas time being a time for reflection, the more it seemed to ring true.

Next I wondered about why we make New Year's resolutions......

A little history: The Babylonians, Romans and the knights of the medieval era, made promises at the start of the year(or end of the year) to be "good". Similar concept also exist in Judaism; one is to reflect on ones wrongdoings and seek/offer forgiveness. According to Wikipedia: "Regardless of creed, the concept is to reflect on how one can improve oneself annually".

So, perhaps, New Years Eve can be viewed as a yearly visit to the "fork in the road"; our crossroad's moment, where we can realign our choices and choose a different path/road to the one we are currently using. For many years New Year's Eve meant one thing for me; the night when the many of us hardworking musicians were paid a really decent wage. Often on such occasions, one would not crawl into bed until four or five in the morning and as far as resolutions go, the most potent one for me at that stage was "Must sleep more".

According to statistics and cynics alike; most of us don't end up keeping our resolutions.

Putting stats and cynics to the side, reflecting on how contented, fulfilled, et cetera we are with our lives can help us focus our attention on "things" we may want/need to change. Perhaps we can imagine ourselves standing at that fork in the road;  visualise that it represents the past and/or the future, what we know and/or what we can learn, where we have been and/or where we want to go to, who we were and/or who we want to be, and so on. If we do not eventually end up at a crossroads, perhaps we may consider whether we are actually "walking" in a circle?

"Time is just a human construct", some may say, "there is no such thing as a new year, all there is.... is movement".

(True enough perhaps, since some cultures vary from others. (Jewish new year, Chinese new year)

However, most cultures celebrates birth, and rebirth(death) in some form or another.)

Setting aside the philosophical debate on what time is, is not new years eve as good a day as any other to reflect on one's life; to reflect upon what is "working" and what is not?

 “Reflect upon your present blessings -- of which every man has many -- not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” (Charles Dickens)

What happens in the past stays in the past, it cannot be changed only forgiven.

What happens in the future cannot be known it can only be anticipated.

But what happens now is a choice we have been given.

“Our power lies in our small daily choices, one after another, to create eternal ripples of a life well lived.” (Mollie Marti)

Socrates put it very succinctly: "The unexamined life is not worth living".

Every new day, not only new years day, we have the opportunity to start afresh.

What may have seemed impossible yesterday, may well seem possible today...

"If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." (Lao Tzu)

The art of giving.........on finding the right gift

 

Christmas is almost here, and as I scurry about trying to buy gifts, a thought struck me. What is a gift, and what is involved in giving?

First, a definition of gift; a something given willingly to someone without payment; a present.

Apparently, there is an ongoing philosophical debate on whether human beings are actually able to truly give without any sense of reciprocity attached.

Charles Darwin was obsessed with the question of altruism(doing something for others without expectations of rewards) from the time he devised his theory of evolution; does altruism exist because it ensures the survival of our kin, or does it improve our standing in the "collective" (community) and so further our prospects?

According to findings by Dr Grafman the brain churns out a pleasurable response when we are engaged in altruistic pursuits. There is a now a body of scientific data (using fMRI)which reveals the workings of biological hardware that makes altruism possible. Parts of the midbrain lights up when people make decisions to donate to what they consider to be worthy causes. According to a study by Dr. Harbaugh, altruistic giving is neurologically similar to taking an addictive drug or finding out that you won on the lottery.

Simply put: giving to a charity/worthy cause/others makes you feel good not only because it's a good thing to do for others, but it also makes you feel good about you.

Dr. Harbaugh's  work suggests that giving without any sense of reciprocity attached, conscious or otherwise; is very rare, however, the more we give, the better we feel.

In her book "The How of Happiness", Sonja Lyubomirsky writes: “Being kind and generous leads you to perceive others more positively and more charitably.” Giving to others bring them closer to us, as us to them.

However, if we give to others predominately to make us feel good about ourselves, such extrinsic motivations may crowd out our intrinsic motivations for giving, and our interest in the welfare of others may decline. Some research suggests that individuals who devote money(time, effort) to pro-social giving(activities), reported a greater sense of happiness, in comparison to personal spending which showed no relation to their sense of happiness.

"Say what!?!" I hear you say?

Intrinsic; something is valuable for its own sake as opposed to extrinsic; being valuable for the sake of something else to which it is related in some way.

Giving for the sake of giving, not for a reward of any kind, is intrinsic in nature.

Giving in expectancy of a reward of some sort, is extrinsic.

With Christmas only a few days away, many of us are busily running about buying a multitude of gifts, but what sort of gifts are we buying?

As far as I understand it, a "good" gift is a gift that is what the receiver needs, wants, desires, and is given for the sheer joy of doing so.  To do so, however, necessitates us knowing the receiver.

Although all balls are basically round, if a basket ball is desired, a soccer ball will not hit the target. All books have words, but if a book of fiction is desired, a non-fiction one will not hit the target and so on. Giving someone a gift (whatever it is) that is something of value for the receiver, shows them that we understand what is valuable to them and has the potential of bringing us closer.

Gifts do not necessarily have to be things, we can give: our time, our attention, our support, our focus, our hands, our skills, to mention a few.

"The greatest gift you can give to others, is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance."

(Brian Tracy)

"A gift with a kind countenance, is a double present."

(Thomas Fuller)

In the middle of the Christmas frenzy, it can be easy to forget about the "gifts" we are surrounded by day after day....such as the air we breathe, the oceans with their beauty and their bounty, the trees that give us oxygen, the many splendid creatures that cohabits this planet with us, the wonders of nature with it's mountains, forests and rivers, the sky that never ends, the mystery of cosmos and micro cosmos, and let us not forget..........the gift of being able to appreciate it all.

But perhaps the greatest gift of all is life itself, and living our lives well, is our gift to life.

 

“Many people don’t realise that this lifetime is a rare opportunity… It’s a precious lifetime for every Soul who is here… We’ve come to solve the mystery of ourselves, the mystery of Soul – who we are. And it’s a wonderful journey.”

(Harold Klemp)

 

Transforming pain into love......

Third day...still no sleep. He looked in to the deep, black waters of the river. His heart was racing, his thoughts in-cohesive snippets of reflections, his body shivering. He pulled his coat tighter.

The last few days had blurred into timelessness; he felt as if he was suspended in a gasp.

A heart is no match for a petrified mind, he thought. With fingers stiff as chop sticks, he searched his pockets for his cigarettes. The pale orange light from the lighter for a brief moment separated the grey of the night and suggested life. He inhaled, and as the smoke filled his lungs he could feel his heart slowing down. The thought of returning to his dingy, empty, apartment filled him with dread. There was a time when he couldn't wait to get home, but that was when she was there. Something behind him made a noise. He turned around and starred straight into the eyes of scraggly looking dog.

The dog just sat there. "Now, where did you come from?" he asked as if the dog could answer.

The dog didn't move. Slowly he approached the dog. Still no movement. Gently he stretched out his hands while muttering "there, there". The dog allowed him to pat it but made no noise. He searched for a collar but found none. "You look hungry", he said to the dog. "Maybe the dog is hurt?" he thought. He hunched down and gently began to stroke the dog's back. The dog whimpered and as he pulled his hand back he discovered blood on it. "Geez, you are hurt" he said to the dog, "I better take you to a vet." Carefully he lifted the dog into his arms and walked to the taxi ramp he had spotted earlier. "Take us to the nearest vet, please" he said as he sat down in the backseat of the taxi with the dog in his lap. The dog whimpered but it seemed as if it understood that he was trying to help it.

"Is this your dog?" the vet asked as she looked over the dog, "she's been badly beaten" she continued.

"No, it's not my dog, I just found her", he said, "will she be okay?" "I think so, but she will need some bandaging and antibiotics. Will you pay?" the vet asked. "Yes, whatever it costs," he replied.

"Wait here", the vet said and disappeared behind a swing door. He sat down on a plastic chair which had obviously seen better days and looked around the waiting room. There were fraying posters on the walls of a myriad of different animals and a few handwritten leaflets for missing pets. An hour passed before the vet returned with the dog. "I have sutured the cut and given her an antibiotic injection. She has bruised ribs and you will have to change the bandages everyday, but she will be okay." He paid the bill, bought a red collar and some dog food. When they arrived at his apartment, he told the dog that her name from now on would be Millie and then gently laid her down on the couch. Millie looked at him as if to say thank you and then settled in to sleep. Suddenly the apartment didn't seem so dismal anymore. He walked into the kitchen and instead of reaching for the usual single malt, he poured himself a glass of water. He walked to the living room window, lit a cigarette, and noticed that the sun was just about to rise. Millie's slow breathing filled his apartment with sounds of life and he could feel a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He looked at the dog and thought; I think I can sleep now...a petrified mind is no match for a heart filled with love.

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”

(Rumi)

 

One of the amazing aspects of love, is that it often has the ability to transform if we so choose. The kind of love I am speaking of here is love that is patient, kind, that hopes all things, endures all things, and that doesn't keep a record of wrong doings. This may perhaps be seen as a tall order for some of us, but in the face of the alternative; indifference, hate, envy, et cetera, consider this; love offers forgiveness, tolerance, compassion, empathy, and hope. Hate or indifference may also transform, but rather than a transformation toward greater understanding, tolerance, and hope, it can stunt our growth and potential for a rewarding and life affirming living. In the words of Anne Frank: "Whoever is happy, will make others happy too." Or from the words of Nelson Mandela:

“No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

 

"A petrified, hateful, revengeful, or envious mind is no match for a heart filled with love" (Citizen X)

Are you in limbo?

Have you ever come across the word liminality? I must confess that until very recently the term has not been included in my vocabulary, although the experience of it, has.

So what is it? According to some it comes from the Latin word "limin" which translates to "the threshold of a doorway", and liminality refers to a "threshold period". (For a more in depth inquiry look up Arnold van Pennep and Victor Turner)

Perhaps one could describe liminality as being between different life stages; ready to move forward, to cross from what we were to what we may become, yet  somehow stuck. (I guess one may liken it to a metamorphosis: from caterpillar > pupa > butterfly)

Murray Stein, Jungian Analysis, Analytical Psychology, has this to say:

“In the state I’m calling psychological liminality, a person’s sense of identity is hung in suspension. You are no longer fixed to particular mental images in contents of your self or others. The “I” is caught up in a field that it cannot control, whose patterns it does not recognize as “me.”

A woman, retelling her experiences and emotions after surviving aggressive cancer treatment and subsequent recovery, used the term "a sense of liminality" a number of times to define her experience. Perhaps there are other traumatic and difficult times in our lives that can be described as a time of liminality? Teenage years, losing a job, dealing with serious illness, the loss of a loved one, moving house, divorce, getting married, having a child, changing jobs, et cetera?

Something happens, the impact is such that we can no longer be who we used to be, neither can we be what we are to become, so we remain on the "threshold". It can be hard to make decisions when we are standing on the threshold; we may see a great many options and possibilities, but we must choose them before we know how they will turn out.

I recently had to undergo a fairly serious operation and while laying in the hospital bed ready to be cut open, I experienced a sense of being in a liminal space, i.e.; a transitional space.

I knew that my body would be different after the op, but I did not know how all the drugs would affect me, and I was very unsure of how my emotions would be affected in recovery. In as much as that we try to prepare for a myriad of situations and possible outcomes, life seems to include periods of liminality regardless. And perhaps that is a good thing? Standing on a threshold it may be easier for us to envisage more possibilities, and experiencing a sense of uncertainty may assist us in seeking for "roads less travelled" with more hope and less fear.

When in Copenhagen with my family when I was a child, we went to an amusement park which had a big roller-coaster ride. (Well, it seemed big to me at that time) I asked my dad if he was going to ride it, but he said no. "Why not?", I asked. "Because, strange as it may seem to you right now, there will come a time when it no longer seems like fun to you", my father answered. This seemed impossible to me, I could not envisage a time when riding a roller-coaster would cease to be fun.

As we grow, we go through many "rites of passages", many liminal stages.

Starting school > finishing school, graduating college > joining the work force, changing jobs, getting engaged > getting married, the birth of a child > parenting, retirement, et cetera.

Each time we find ourselves on a threshold, we have the chance to view it as an opportunity for growth, for insight and a greater sense of awareness.

Who we are may not necessarily have to be set in cement because when we go through transitional times; threshold/liminal times, we are offered opportunities to discover new aspects of ourselves.

When my son wanted to join a basketball league, my intention was to just take him for the sign-up but somehow and in a blur, I came away from the sign-up with a clipboard and the title "coach".

Although not very confident and with little knowledge on how to be a basket ball coach, I embraced the role and learnt some invaluable lessons. When in my 20's, I went to a jazz club to listen to some music....at three am I walked out of there as the bar manager. (No time for metamorphosis, I had to just flap my wings and fly!) Although a shy person, I learnt to overcome it.

Perhaps liminality can be viewed as pausing while we ponder, reflect and digest, or as an opportunity for the discovery of new perspectives and perceptions.

There is more than one way to live a life................

 

"There are things known and things unknown, and in between them are the doors."

(Jim Morrison)

"People have a hard time letting go of  their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."

(Thich Nhat Hahn)

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thichnhath531597.html#lCt12V287WIPfSXu.99

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#vVdXp5AxWKq4slDm.99

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#vVdXp5AxWKq4slDm.99

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#vVdXp5AxWKq4slDm.99

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#vVdXp5AxWKq4slDm.99

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/d/donaldrums148142.html#vVdXp5AxWKq4slDm.99

On understanding our personal boundaries.....and others

In the aftermath of WikiLeaks and the Snowden revelations, one may perhaps wonder if there are any boundaries left. According to some, once we use the Internet, we leave a trace that can never be extinguished which leads me to ponder whether perhaps we need a "Bill of Rights for the use of Digital Information/behaviour".

Are there any actual legal or other specified boundaries for the use of that nebulous thing we call the Internet?

So far I have discovered: "IT law, Cyber law, and Computer law", but I can't help but wonder how those laws can be reinforced since "freedom of expression" is included in the Cyber Law.

The freedom of expression to "say it like it is" regardless of the consequences to others.....

Which brings me to my topic; personal boundaries.

A definition: "the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others." (Essential Life Skills.net)

Boundaries are learnt; we learn what they are in the families (nurturing environment) we grow up in.

How well those boundaries work depends to a large extent on the respect and adherence to those boundaries. If we are regularly ignored when we say "No, stop or I disagree", we may conclude that we are powerless and that our opinion is of little or no consequence.

This in turn may lead to feeling that others are more important, that we have no rights, that if we say "no" we may put a relationship at risk, and that we don't really "know" ourselves.

Would you let someone else use your toothbrush, would you agree to do something against your own conscious just to keep a friendship, would you avoid voicing your opinion because you feel you don't have the "right" to it? I did. I went even further, I remained married for years although the relationship was nearly destroying me. I was clueless about personal boundaries, although I had very strong internal ones. What are internal boundaries?

Your relationship with yourself, self-discipline, your own rules for your physical and emotional well-being. Perhaps you have as a rule to "not ridicule anyone for any reason" that you stick to, yet when someone ridicules you, you find it hard to tell them that they upset you. Becoming aware of and recognizing what our internal and personal boundaries are assists us in shouldering the responsibility for how we allow others to treat us. Without strong boundaries to identify what we deem acceptable or not for ourselves, we may hinge our self-worth on how others view/respond to us.

So how does one constructively communicate to another that they have crossed one of our boundaries?

May I suggest doing so in a direct, firm and respectful way. Using clear, concise language and remaining calm.

If we have not verbalised what our boundaries are, how will people know when or if they have breeched them? And in order for us to clearly state our boundaries we need to know ourselves what those are.

Some suggestions of areas to which we apply boundaries:

physical=personal space, hygiene, body

mental=your thinking, opinions, values

emotional=knowing/understanding your feelings, how you relate to others

material=how you view your "stuff", will you lend your toothbrush?

meta-physical=your relationship to stuff of a meta-physical nature(things you think exist but can't be seen....)

How we come to have the boundaries we have not only depends on the nurturing environments we are raised in but also on a mix of our opinions, beliefs, experiences and cultural settings. In some cultures it may be considered acceptable to just "drop in" unannounced for a cup of coffee, to touch someone on the hand when speaking, to share personal experiences, whereas in another culture to do so could be viewed as crossing a boundary. If we desire for others to respect and understand our boundaries, we need to respect and understand theirs.

Sometimes no matter how clearly or firmly we set a boundary, someone else may still choose to ignore it. In such case perhaps the best option is to just leave,.. making it clear to the other that the consequence of ignoring or disrespecting your boundaries is that you will leave.

(As long as leaving is not a form of punishment but rather for your own protection and well-being.)

Some research suggests that people with "vague" or weak boundaries tend to ignore/fail to comply with others' boundaries, which suggests to me that knowing and acknowledging our own boundaries, we are more inclined to also do so for others.

 

"Responsibility to yourself means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and naming for you; it means learning to respect and use your own brains and instincts; hence, grappling with hard work."

(Adrienne Rich)

“Never esteem anything as of advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect.” (Marcus Aurelius)

 

No off switch for your busy mind? Try mindfulness.

"Some people seem to live in their heads and others in their bodies", my son said. (Having a vivid imagination I instantly envisaged people with huge heads and scrawny bodies, and vice verse.)

"What do you mean?" I asked.

In brief, he suggested that some of us become so preoccupied with what goes on in our heads that we may forget, neglect, to pay attention to what goes on with our bodies and some of us focus most of our attention on our bodies and forget, neglect to pay attention to the goings on in our minds.

A wise person suggested to me that practising "mindfulness" may help me to experience my body and mind as a whole rather than constantly "living in my head". Mindfulness?

I had heard the term on a number of occasions, I had even read about it, but I didn't seem to be able to grasp the concept so that I could apply it to my life.

Perhaps a definition:  "a present-centred awareness in which each thought/feeling/sensation that arises is acknowledged and accepted as it is." 

For some of us who "live in our heads" most of the time, awareness of our thoughts is a given, actually, it may even be difficult to stop the constant flow of them. My older sister once asked me: "Don't you have an off switch?" which lead me to become aware of just how "busy" my head is most of the time. So, how does one switch of a busy mind, I wondered? Some suggested meditation, others suggested to go for a long walk, listen to music, and so on, but none of it worked for me....my mind still kept on buzzing. Some say we have approximately 40.0000-60.000 thoughts each day (how exactly is that measured? was my first thought when I read that stat) and if that is correct, then no wonder ones head is so busy. The image(painting) I have used in this post is made from a photo of a man I took when rushing about in the city. In the midst of all the hustle and bustle, there he was, sitting quietly and peacefully with a "Monalisa" smile on his lips, totally still and what seemed to me to be in a state of contentment. Perhaps he was practising "mindfulness" I thought.

Have you ever been told; "you think too much, you think too deep, you live too much in your head", etc.? Or perhaps, the opposite; "you need to think more, you are too busy doing and not thinking enough", and so on. Is there a "right" amount of thinking then? one may wonder.

Perhaps at times we may prefer to not think too deeply about certain issues, in a sense postponing the thinking for another time when we may "feel" more ready to deal with it. On the other hand, at other times we may choose to stop "doing" in order to allow ourselves to process our thoughts.

As a person with no "off" switch, I often find my thoughts preoccupied with the future and the never ending "what-if's" but as an "antidote" I have found the words "Where ever you are, be there" to be highly effective. Which brings me back to mindfulness......

I struggled with the concept until one day, by accident it seemed, I found my own way of understanding it. Comfortable on the couch reading a book, a late afternoon, a bit windy, fairly warm and with a lingering sense of tranquillity, I noticed a cricket serenading outside the window.

I closed my eyes, put down the book, and focused all my attention on the cricket. Still conscious of the wind, the couch, and the ambiance of the space I was in, I found that by directing my attention like a laser beam to the sound of the cricket, it allowed for me to be truly present in the moment ....( present-centred awareness in which each thought/feeling/sensation that arises is acknowledged and accepted as it is)

It felt like I had put the mind into neutral, (like putting the gear in a car into neutral) and there was a sense of weightlessness about it. Since then I have used other sounds such as: different types of cooling fans, birds, the wind, a particular instrument when listening to music, the sound of the ocean, and so on. The cricket helped me to find a way to put my mind in neutral.......to learn how to enjoy mindfulness. If this is something that sounds good to you, may I suggest that you seek for your own  "cricket"....whatever it may be.....:))))

Is this not just like meditation? you may ask. My answer is; not to me...I could not meditate for the life of me, even using a mantra...my thoughts would not settle. Meditation seemed to me to be a mental exercise with the purpose of  achieving an increased level of spiritual awareness, whereas mindfulness is more about attention and awareness, of experiencing the moment. (non-judgementally)

If you are a person who prefers to be doing rather than thinking, may I suggest grabbing a moment to sit down and wait for your mind and soul to catch up with the rest of you?

And if you find it hard to switch off your busy mind, may I suggest mindfulness?

“Don't believe everything you think. Thoughts are just that - thoughts.”

(Allan Lokos)

“Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).”

(James Baraz)

How to get motivated......

 A chat room friend asked me if I felt that there is a "tiredness" in society nowadays, an indifference, a lack of motivation for being bothered about the goings-on in ones society.

This lead me to ponder the subject of motivation. What motivates us? What is motivation?

On a basic level; it is the reason or reasons for acting or behaving in a particular way; the willingness to do something often supported with a level of enthusiasm.

According to some, our motivations are often extrinsically or intrinsically driven. Put another way; external rewards/validations/recognitions from outside of the self, and internal rewards in the form of personal gratification and or satisfaction within the self. Winning  trophies or receiving praise from ones team members, doing charity work, volunteering, et cetera may be viewed as "extrinsically motivated" and learning a new language, how to play an instrument, run a marathon, and so on, may be viewed as "intrinsically motivated".

"Why do you go to the gym?" "Because I want to be healthy and feel good about my body."

"Why do you work 18 hour days?" "Because I want a promotion."

"Why do you work in a soup kitchen?" "Because I want to help others."

"Why do you want to get into politics?" "Because I want things to change'"

"Why did you become a nurse?" "Because being a nurse I get to assist and help others, and doing so, makes me feel good about me."

Perhaps much of what we do, we do for both extrinsic and intrinsic reasons. There may be a problem though if we can find no reason/motivation for doing anything and we conclude: "why bother?"

(Why wash the dishes, they're just gonna get dirty again? Why clean the place, it's just gonna get messy again? Why put any effort in, someone is gonna do it better anyway?)

Watching a documentary on binge drinking among teens, I was struck by the reply from one of the girls when asked why do you binge drink she answered: why not?

For me there is a number of health and safety reasons for why binge drinking would be better avoided, so I have to admit that the girl's answer had my mind working overtime.

Was her motivation for binge drinking the lack of a motivation for not doing so?

Or was there a subconscious motivation? Was it possible that her motivation for binging was to rebel, throw caution to the wind, push the boundaries, to numb her emotions, to do crazy stuff and put it under the rubric: "I was so drunk, I can't remember?"(So I am not responsible)

Is it possible to act/do something, anything, without there being a reason for it, be it conscious or unconscious?

When we say "Why bother?" is our motive for saying so driven by a sense of powerlessness, helplessness, a sense of feeling unable to affect the outcome rather than a lack of motivation?

Bothering about something tends to involve participation of some kind, and that may require effort, and to put effort in, one may need the motivation to do so. Catch 22?

In the view of the information available 24/7 of disasters; natural or human, of murders, accidents, crimes, poverty, starvation, diseases, etc. it may be easy to conclude that bothering is not viable, (like being a flea on the back of a rhinoceros) however, as the Dalai Lama says: Be optimistic, it feels better" perhaps one may also say: "Do something, it feels better than doing nothing".

When we bother we may not always be rewarded (extrinsically) with trophies or money, or status, but when we bother, more often than not, we are intrinsically rewarded.

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." (Francis of Assisi)

"Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”

(Jon Krakauer)
 

We can't outrun pain, suffering, or disappointment,

we can't hide from sadness, fear or sorrow,

all we can do is experience it

and then match it with

hope, joy, beauty,

courage

and

love.

 Why bother? Because it feels better.



 

What does being "positive" really mean?

When I was going through a particularly difficult time in my life, I was often advised by my friends to be more "positive".

It used to bug me no end, because I couldn't see how just "being positive" would change anything.

In my mind, facts were the way they were regardless of whether I was positive or negative about them.

Actually, trying to be more "positive" seemed to me at that stage like a cop-out, like a pretence and a form of denial. I felt like I was haemorrhaging and people, with the best of intentions, seemed to think a Band-Aid (=slip on a positive attitude) would do the job. (In hindsight, I understand that they were trying to help me perceive my situation from a different perspective.)

What did it mean anyway, to be "positive"? As I saw it, I wasn't being "negative", just plain realistic.

Until I started to question what "realistic" meant, and if it was possible that it too may have a "charge".

A life is full of events and experiences, whether we view those as challenges or opportunities, lessons or hindrances, possibilities or closed doors, depends to a large extent on our outlook.

According to Martin Seligman we have different ways to explain to ourselves why things happen.

If we have an optimistic/positive explanatory style, we tend to view negative/unfavourable events as temporary and atypical, and if we have a pessimistic/negative explanatory style as expected and lasting.

 Abraham Lincoln said: "Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Winston Churchill has this to say: “A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” Whether one may view oneself as either an optimist or a pessimist, both may still consider themselves as a realists from their perspective.

What are the advantages of being positive/thinking positive/being an optimist?

It has been suggested that positive thinkers rather than dwelling on their frustrations and on things they can't change focus on devising plans and strategies of action for those things they can change, including asking for advice and assistance from others. Negative thinkers, some say, often assume nothing can be done and that they are powerless to affect change.

Suzanne Segerstrom, a positive psychology researcher, writes:

  "Setbacks are inherent to almost every worthwhile human activity, and a number of studies show that optimists are in general both psychologically and physiologically healthier."

By nurturing positive emotions, we may be able to improve our current coping skills and develop new ones.

Some "positive" emotions: empowerment, compassion, connectedness, authenticity, capability, patience, appreciation, beauty, hope, faith, etc.

Although most of us would probably prefer to be experiencing pleasant, positive emotions most of the time, unpleasant/negative ones are just as crucial in assisting us to make sense of the ups and downs of life.

Emotions, whether pleasant or unpleasant assists us in evaluating and making sense of our experiences. If we feel "bad" about something, it is often an indication that it needs our attention.

(Bad/negative emotions: hopelessness, powerlessness, impatience, bitterness, desperation, fear, insecurity, indifference, disconnectedness, etc.)

Standing eye to eye with a lion, you may experience the positive feeling of beauty, but unless the lion is behind bars, your survival may hinge on allowing the negative feeling of fear to

control your actions.

Is it possible to live a life without experiencing negative emotions? Is it possible to be or have a 100% positive outlook at all times? Is it possible to be or have a 100% negative outlook at all times?
Hmmm......personally I doubt it.

Experiencing positive emotions may motivate us to seek for the "silver lining" in difficult situations, to discover other/new options/methods/ behaviours/solutions, but

suffering/fear/pain/insecurity/anger may also motivate us to do/think/behave differently.

Example: "Now when they have cut back my hours at work, I will have more time to cook, read, write, play with the kids, etc."

"The pain in my back is really getting to me, maybe I need to have an x-ray to find out what's causing it?"

Being positive, in my view, is having a positive outlook, and being an optimist is more than a mantra, it is an approach and often involves some kind of activity; it is a choice.

 Being negative, in my view, is having a negative outlook, and being a pessimist often involves inactivity, but is also a choice.

"What's the point, people never change," says the pessimist.

"I believe people can change, all they need is a bit of encouragement," says the optimist.

"Why vote, nothing ever changes," says the pessimist.

"I am going to vote, I believe in change," says the optimist.

"I'll never fall in love again," says the pessimist.

"Love is a constant, only the objects change," says the optimist.

 How we have come to be either an optimist or a pessimist, (or realist)........perhaps matter less than how comfortable and happy we are with our outlook at this present time.

If we are not happy with our outlook, we need to change it.

 “Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.” (Mahatma Gandhi)

 

"Choose to be optimistic, it feels better." (The Dalai Lama)

 



Why we need artists......

 

Every now and then people ask me to write about something in specific. My latest request comes from my father and is on the subject of art and who really reaps the benefits from the artist's hard labour. (Money, fame, prestige, status, et cetera.)

Does an artist have to be poor, suffering, starving, complicated, difficult, myopic, or perhaps, cut off an ear, to be considered a real artist? Or maybe even die, to become recognised and validated as a "true" artist?

Perhaps a definition of art is a good place to begin: "art is an outer expression of an inner experience." This may be expressed thru architecture, sculpture, music, writing, painting, dance, installation, film, et cetera.

Art can be viewed as a creative human skill, as a communication of the self and the world using a myriad of different expressions to do so.

Some quotes: "

"Art is not, as the meta physicians say, the manifestation of some mysterious idea of beauty or God; it is not, as the aesthetical physiologists say, a game in which man lets off his excess of stored-up energy; it is not the expression of man’s emotions by external signs; it is not the production of pleasing objects; and, above all, it is not pleasure; but it is a means of union among men, joining them together in the same feelings, and indispensable for the life and progress toward well-being of individuals and of humanity." (Leo Tolstoy)

"Above all, artists must not be only in art galleries or museums — they must be present in all possible activities. The artist must be the sponsor of thought in whatever endeavour people take on, at every level." (Michelangelo Pistoletto)

How important are artists to society?

Can we do without them? Some may say: "no problem", others may say: "meh, artists are such tricky creatures, but perhaps some of them may be good to keep?" Some of us, on the other hand, may consider artists to be offering: Inspiration, helping us to view humanity through many different perspectives, allowing us to have moments of transcending the physical and experience the meta-physical, to offer metaphors for the human experience, to help us connect with our inner experiences, and to record how each new generation views life and living it.

In my view, there is a paradox at work in regards to art. Being an artist is often regarded as not doing a "real" job, yet millions of dollars are spent in the pursuit of acquiring "gold plated" (=the "brand" must seem to the consumer more than the thing itself) works. Van Gogh died a poor man, yet today his works are sold for six figures. Mozart was buried a pauper in a mass grave, yet his music is often performed in highly prestigious spaces (and at times for hundreds of dollars a ticket).

There are numerous examples of artists who dedicated their lives to their artistic expression without much recognition, validation or monetary rewards. There still are.

How is it that to be an artist can be viewed as not being a "real" job yet at the same time many are willing to spend "real" money on acquiring items made by an artist? (Gold-plated artists usually)

What is the "real" value of a first edition "Superman" comic book, a sculpture by Alberto Giacometti, a painting by Vincent Van Gogh, an original hand written piece of sheet music written by Ludwig Van Beethoven, a first hand drawn draft by Frank Lloyd Wright, a hand written original script by Shakespeare, an original reel of "To Kill a Mockingbird" and so on?

For many of us, perhaps art seems to be of little consequence, especially compared to science, the economy, environmental issues, manufacturing, the medical areas, politics, and so on, however, if we dig a little deeper, we may find that often some form of "artistic" expression has been used to concretize ideas. Graphs, diagrams, sketches, drawings, photos, models, writers, lyricists, musicians, make-up artists, special effects artists, conceptual artists, etc. are often used for such purposes.

What would the advertising business be without artists, and is not advertising potentially one of the most powerful tools for the promotion of consumerism?

And consumerism, is that not one of the cornerstones of most societies today?

Thing is, to buy a Van Gogh painting will today cost you millions of dollars, to buy one of mine, a few hundreds.  But when Van Gogh was alive, nobody was really interested in buying any of his paintings, so his life was one of poverty, suffering and unpaid hard work. His work was not viewed as a "good" investment, it was just pigments on a canvas, however, today, he is recognised as one of the greatest painters who ever lived and a very (!) good investment.... What he painted stays the same, but how it is assessed, has changed.

Whether we think of it in these terms or not, may I suggest that art in the form of one expression or another, touches most of us everyday be it thru watching television, going to a movie theatre, listening to music on an iPod/iThingy and or radio, reading the comics in a news paper, reading the newspaper, surfing the net, writing emails, taking photos with the cell/mobile phone, downloading, playing video games, reading a book, and so on. Behind all those, someone used his/her imagination (artistic expression) and concretized it so that we can now all enjoy it.

Perhaps it is time to start calling being an artist...a real job? After all, when one thinks of it, are not most eras defined by its art as well as its other human endeavours?

 

"We can introspect on the role of art in our own lives and on how much we feel we need it.......... Art-and indeed all the traditional forms of art, including story-telling, poetry and song; music and dance; drawing and sculpture-exist in every human culture. And there is economic evidence, too: the amount of money people spend to acquire and experience art."

(Ayn Rand) 

 

What do you need? Wanting and needing may be far apart......

As an artist, I am often asked if I do nudes. To which my answer is; not really.

Is there a difference between naked or nude?

I believe so. To be nude is to be unclothed but to be naked is to be unclothed and vulnerable.

This image I classify as a nude, because the stance of this woman indicates to me that she does not feel vulnerable, rather, the opposite.

According to some statistics, there are millions of people with eating disorders ranging from compulsive over eating to hardly eating anything at all.

(Some stats from WHO on overweight and obesity: Globally, around 35% of adults aged 20 and over were overweight in 2008. Globally, around 12% of adults aged 20 and over were obese in 2008.)

What is happening to us? While millions upon millions of people die from not enough food, others die from too much food. 

When I was living in the UK for a few years, I became friends with someone who called herself a "food addict". I had never come across the term before, so when she called me one afternoon and asked if I could come and speak with her because her food addiction was out of control, I was perplexed. Granted she was not a what I would call a "skinny" build, but in my view and considering that she had two very young children, she was still in the process of "getting back to normal".

"What do you mean with food addict?" I asked her.

"I can't seem to stop craving food," she answered. She continued with explaining to me how she would eat packet after packet of biscuits, cakes, muffins, etc. even at times frozen "sweet" foods straight out of the freezer. She was beside herself with shame, guilt and self-loathing.

"I do this behind every ones back, my husband doesn't know and neither does my parents", she explained. "Why, do you think you have this need to eat all the time?" I asked.

"I don't know, I don't know!!" my friend answered and began to quietly cry.

I asked her if you could describe what it was like for her growing up, was she over weight as a child, was she rewarded with food if she was upset, did she have any siblings with similar problems, when did she first begin to think of her eating habit as a food addiction and so on.

As we were talking about how food was treated in her home, she realised that food was used as cure-all-that ails-you solution. To cut a long story short; when ever she felt the urge to binge, she would phone me instead and we would talk about what/how she was feeling.

According to statistics, over-eating and other eating disorders, affects more and more people. (There are many sites)

Behind many compulsive behaviours, there is an unmet need. According to Wikipedia: "Compulsive behaviours are a need to reduce apprehension caused by internal feelings a person wants to abstain or control."

At times exactly what those needs are however, may be difficult to specify. Abraham Maslow suggests: A) physiological needs= basic survival needs such as food, shelter, air and water, B) security needs= feeling safe in ones environment, having work etc. C) social needs= belonging, friendship, love, affection D) esteem needs=  self-esteem, personal worth, social recognition, accomplishment E) Self-actualisation= self-awareness, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others, and interested fulfilling their potential.

My friend used food as a way of self-soothing, others of us may use/choose alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, and so on, thing is, what may originally be a momentary coping strategy, can easily become a habit with a whole new set of "needs" to be catered for.

No matter how many cookies my friend ate, it did not fill her need for self-acceptance or self-worth.

If you drink alcohol because it numbs your feelings of loneliness, perhaps it may be worth your while to consider another coping strategy that is emphatically connected to what you are feeling and needing and brings new friends into your life.

If you gamble because it brings feelings of excitement into your life, perhaps it may be worth your while to consider if there are other activities that can bring feelings of excitement into your life and or perhaps enquire why you feel there is a lack of excitement.

If you have a constant need for shopping, perhaps it may be worth your while to consider if perhaps shopping is a momentary solution to an underlying feeling of lack of substance in your life.

Understanding what our underlying unmet needs are may help us find coping strategies that enrich our lives rather than exponentially deplete them.

When my friend realised that she was trying to satisfy her "hunger" (need) for self-acceptance and feelings of self-worth with food, she also realised that there was not enough food in all the world to fill that need.

The "food" she needed, she decided, was to stop talking negatively to herself, to stop comparing herself with others, to acknowledge the positives, to be assertive, to have some fun, to take time out to enjoy her own company and to focus on the now.

 

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”  

(Gautama Buddha)

 

“One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalised and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.”  

(Michael J. Fox)

 

In search of morality and a moral code......

Father McKenzie sighs. "What's the use" he mutters to himself, "it's not like anyone is going to hear this sermon". Slowly he closes his well used Bible and takes off his glasses. For a moment he just sits there breathing slowly and evenly. He shuts his eyes and listens to the city. "All the lonely people, where do they all belong?" he asks no one. Finally he stands up, puts his things in a plastic bag then grabs his coat. Carefully he turns off the lights and walks up the stairs to the nave.

He still loves spending a few minutes each night before he goes home in silent contemplation, just sitting there in one of the pews. The church smells of candle wax and matured wood. He inhales the familiar smell and leans back. "Help," a voice barely more than a whisper from the front pew.

"Hello, anyone here?" Father McKenzie asks as he slowly walks to the front of the church.

"Help me please" pleads the voice.

Father McKenzie hurries up the chancel to the altar. Behind it he finds a young woman. She is curled up in pain, her body is shaking and Father McKenzie realises that she is barely alive.

"My dear child, what has happened to you?" He kneels next to the woman and gently lifts her into his arms.

"We need to get you to a doctor immediately, just rest dear child," he comforts the young woman as he hurries to his office with her in his arms. "911? Please, we need some help right away!!!"

Father McKenzie puts down the receiver and gently lowers the hurt woman on to the well-worn-

 hand-me-down couch in his office. From the cupboard he grabs a woollen blanket, covers her body with it then sits down next to her with her hand in his and quietly prays for her while he waits for help to arrive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What if this woman would have dragged herself inside a coffee shop, restaurant, post office, pub, club, news agency, et cetera?

What would be our first response I wonder. Is there a "moral" knee jerk reaction to want to know why someone needs our help before we ask how we can help?

Is our sense of morality changing, or is morality dependent on the Zeitgeist of our times?

"The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they allow disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children now are tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannise their teachers.” Sound familiar? These words were spoken by Socrates and he died in 469 BC.

So what are morals? According to The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy:

"descriptively refer to some codes of conduct put forward by a society or,

some other group, such as a religion, or

accepted by an individual for her own behaviour or

normatively to refer to a code of conduct that, given specified conditions, would be put forward by all rational persons." (According to some, morality can not be defined, only be acted out.)

Some may say: "Easy, morality is doing what's right for most people."

Well, there is a problem with that, because apart from the idea that harming others is morally wrong in almost all societies, ........ morality can differ quite a bit from society to society; which means that your "right" may be my wrong and so forth.  

Laws are often evaluated on moral grounds, however, in difference to morality, a legal system has explicit written rules and penalties, and with it officials who interpret the laws(rules) and apply penalties. Failing to live up to a society's moral standards on the other hand, does not necessarily involve any punishment. As in, although perhaps morally reprehensible, stealing your friend's car will probably have legal consequences, but "stealing" your friend's girlfriend will not.

The more I researched the concept of "morality" the more confusing it became.

I didn't seem to be able to find a unified "code of morals" yet there seem to be an intuitive sense of such in most of us, I mean, how else could we function together at all?

Perhaps there are some notions such as: do no harm, be honest, accept a duty of care, accepting responsibility for ones actions and consequences of those actions, honour and respect agreements made, treat all relationships with integrity, and so on that could be viewed as belonging in a "code of morals"?

Could be that one of the most important aspects of morality is that we each recognise our own moral values and can define them clearly to ourselves regardless of what the moral "Zeitgeist" of our time says.

Upon writing this I realise that I forgot to include "compassion" in my suggest code of morals.

A definition of compassion from the Free Online Dictionary: "Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it"

The Dalai Lama puts it this way:

"The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the ultimate source of success in life."

If you like me at times suffer with a knee jerk reaction to want to know why someone needs help rather than asking how you can help, perhaps we may both do well to remember the Dalai Lama's words........"The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. It results from the profound interdependence we all share with one another."

 

 

"I know my rights! The problem with a sense of entitlement.........

(this is a painting of my son's friend Zac, although for some it is the Nazarene)

 

Have you ever heard someone say: "I know my rights, I have the right to...., it's my right to..." et cetera? Personally I have heard it voiced many times and it made me consider what "rights" this may refer to.

This is what some say a "right" is: "an entitlement associated with a moral or social principle, such that an "entitlement" is a provision made in accordance with a legal framework of a society."

Typically, entitlements are based on concepts of social equality or enfranchisement's.

On a more personal level, the term "entitlement" often refers to a belief (notion) that one has a right to a certain benefit/reward  regardless of the presence or not of a legal or principled cause. (A "sense of entitlement")

If we are all entitled are we all also responsible?

Do we feel that others are just as entitled as we are to be treated decently, to be respected, to have access to good medical care, to be able to study, to be able to live peacefully, and so on?

Or are some of us more entitled than others?

How do we learn about responsibility and entitlements?

According to some research, we learn to be responsible, or feel entitled, according to what we are rewarded for; the consequences of our behaviour so to speak.

Example: If I am entitled to "free speech" does that mean I do not have to consider how speaking my mind may affects others? A child who grows up with a great sense of entitlement may conclude that the parents owe him/her the desires of his/her heart, unconditional love, patience, forgiveness, support, and so on... and all he/she is responsible for is to just "be",.... "Hey, I didn't ask to be born so why should I be responsible for anything,...you owe me what I need and want."

Perhaps expectation and reciprocity may factor in to the equation of entitlement?

"I treat people with respect so I should be treated with respect in return", "I was there for you when you needed me, so you have to be there for me when I need you", "I am a loyal friend, so you have to be loyal to me", "I do the same job as you, so I should be paid the same", and so on.

This probably seems fair to most of us, but what if what you consider to be "respectful behaviour" is viewed differently by the other?

What if your sense of loyalty differs from your friend?

When it comes to the aspects of legal entitlements, there are clear boundaries but when dealing with emotions, mindsets, belief systems, etc. it is much more complex.

"In the olden days, one started with a broom and worked ones way up...today's generation wants to start at the top."

"In my days you only got a prize when you won, nowadays the kids get one just for showing up."

"Back in the days, young people used to respect their elders, now they barely say hello."

Or.....

"Why, I finished school so I deserve a reward, like a car or something."

"Just because my folks started at the bottom don't mean I have to."

"Get with the technology, things are different now."

Lets look at the word "entitlement" again......

Merriam and Webster: the condition of having a right to have, do, or get something,

 the feeling or belief that you deserve to be given something (such as special privileges).



The Urban dictionary: someone who thinks something is owed to them by life in general; or because they are who they are.

If we are owed, who owes us?

Life owes us?

Hmm.......

If "life" owes us something, does that mean us as in mankind or us individually?

As beings, scratching out a living on the thin crust of a planet hanging in the vast universe, I wonder if perhaps we should give "entitlement" the boot (except for as a legal concept)?

I mean, we didn't make the planet, the air we breathe, the water we drink, the amazing fauna and flora that surrounds us, the sun, the moon, the stars, and the list goes on.

Perhaps instead of feeling entitled, we may consider entertaining the notion of feeling responsible... and why not throw in a bit of grateful as well......

“Reflect upon your present blessings -- of which every man has many -- not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” (Charles Dickens)

“You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can be grateful that thorn bushes have roses.”

(Tom Wilson) 

Thoughts of a parent........

A father worried about his son's safe return calms himself by jotting down his thoughts.

 

"It's early in the morning, I have had at least three big mugs of coffee....I feel all jittery. My nerves are on edge, I can't think straight and it feels like I've got ants under my skin. I really shouldn't have lost my temper with Justin, seems like all we do nowadays is argue. I would never have spoken to my dad the way he speaks to me.......it's like he has no respect for me, and it hurts.

I keep looking at the phone hoping he will call or text and let me know he is alright. I tried to watch a movie but couldn't focus...the coffee probably haven't helped....but I'm trying to stay alert in case he phones and needs my help. Sheeesh, where did I put that packet of smokes for emergencies?

I keep going over the conversation we had before he took off in my mind......what does he mean with "You never listen!"? Sure I do. Hmmmm....I just remembered when I said the same thing to my father. Maybe this is just something that is part of growing up....

I guess I didn't feel understood by my father either.

Hang on, I can hear a car.....nah, just the neighbour. Is it to much to ask that he just sends a text to say he is okay? I mean, how long would that take really? Perhaps he is right, perhaps I don't listen?

Sometimes it seems as if kids think parents have never been young, like we skipped from being children to being parents.......

Hmmm...it is helping a bit writing this...better out than in I guess...now where was I?

It's that girlfriend of his making him crazy. Just because she comes from a dysfunctional and chaotic home, why does she have to inflict her skewed views on Justin?

He was never this disrespectful toward me and his mother before he started to go out with her.

Now it's like nothing is as important as her. Wait a minute, what was the name of that girl that used to drive me crazy during my last year of high school? Bianca. That was it, Bianca,...she was as beautiful as her name. My folks didn't like her either, they thought she was bad news. Granted, she had a different upbringing to me; she spoke fluent French, she ate strange food that smelled of garlic, but she was everything to me regardless of my folks views. She was a hippie, and my family was seriously middle class. Thinking back on it, I used to have lots of arguments about her with dad.

Think I stormed out of the house a few times too, dismayed with my folks inability to understand how special Bianca was....

I just got a text message...not from Justin mind.....from Vodaphone telling me to recharge....at this time!?

It is so quiet in the house that I can hear my heart beating. Way too fast.....no more coffee.

This worrying thing is scary.....I don't want to worry, but I can't stop, all I can do is distract myself a few minutes at the time. My throat feels dry.... Right, time for some deep breathing, it is supposed to be calming.

It helped a bit. I still feel angry though. I keep swinging between feeling angry and scared.

I have images flash before me of Justin in his car wrapped around a tree, the next minute of him as a boy shooting hoops. Man, being a parent is hard, I mean, they grow up but somehow they still remain little kids at the same time. Huh, it just dawned on me that my parents probably feel the same way about me......Light bulb moment.

Okay, so it's 3:30 am, and still no word. Right, time for bargaining...if there is a God, please keep my boy safe...I promise I will learn to be a better listener.

I am going to try his mobile now.....I'm not angry anymore, I just want Justin to be safe.

He will probably get angry with me, but I don't care, I just want to know that he is okay."

The worried father calls his son and finds out that he is at his girlfriends place. Everything is okay, they just fell asleep while they were watching a movie.

We are all someone's child...no matter how young or old we are.

"Most of us become parents long before we have stopped being children", writes Mignon McLaughlin. Being a parent does not come with an instruction manual, many of us have to learn as we go along. Parents make mistakes, fumble, use the "wrong" words, misunderstand, etc....basically do the things most people do whether they have children or not.

There is a saying : "A child is father of the man and child is father to the man."

I would like to add to that: "A child is mother of the woman and child is mother to the woman."

(Our personalities mostly form when we are children, and we often keep those qualities when we become adults.) Once we become parents it can be helpful to remind ourselves of how we experienced life through the different life-stages, and as children(of parents) it can be equally helpful to remember that our parents were also once children, teenagers, budding adults, and so on.

I worry at times about my son's safety and happiness, but so do my parents about mine, as did theirs about them.

"We never know the love of a parent till we become parents ourselves"
(Henry Ward Beecher)

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom," writes Victor Frankl.

This, in my humble opinion, probably applies to us all...as children, as teenagers, as budding adults, as adults, as parents, as grand parents ........

If you feel that your parents worry too much, may I suggest considering choosing kindness and patience as your first response,

If you as a parent worry about your children, may I suggest considering choosing kindness and patient listening as your first response.

 



Realise your potential; do an emotional stock take

"Now close your eyes and just listen to my voice," said the counsellor.

Jossie closed his eyes and exhaled.

"At this point", continued the counsellor, "it's going to be important that you manage to create a virtual image in your mind".

Jossie closed his eyes tighter and took another breath while muttering to himself, "Sheeesh, I get it, it's important".

"Okay, Jossie?" asked the counsellor.

"Uhu", Jossie replied.

"Imagine an old shop with wooden framed shop windows, a rustic door, and a weather worn sign saying "Gifts".

"Can you see it Jossie?" continued the counsellor.

"Yes, I can see it", answered Jossie.

"Now, open the door and enter...there is wooden shelving up and down the walls. Every space in the shop is covered with shelves except for a big painting of two ballet dancers with their backs turned, hanging slightly eschewed in the only shelf less space in the shop". 

"Can you see it Jossie?"

"Uhu, yeah, I see it."

"Right, now what we are going to do is a stock take."

Jossie opened his eyes and looked at Bill (the counsellor) bewildered.

"How Bill, can I do a stock take when there's nothing in the shop?

"You are going to put in the stock Jossie."

"What stock?", Jossie asked exasperatedly.

"Close your eyes again Jossie and let's carry on," Bill said calmly.

"Are you back in the shop?"

"Yeah, Bill, I am," replied Jossie.

"Now visualize a door at the back of the shop with a sign saying "Storage Room", open the door and in there you find a lot of empty boxes. You are going to fill and label them."

"Okay, got it Bill."

"Here is your first label, on it is written "Regrets".

Jossie imagined receiving the label and sticking it on one of the empty boxes.

"What will you put in the box Jossie?"

Jossie thought for a moment and then he answered: "Not travelling, not standing up to my father, not pursuing my interest in music, not sticking up for the kids that were bullied at school, not spending more time with my brother, not being there for some of my friends when they needed me, and so on Bill...the list is long."

Second label: "Anger". "This one is easy Bill, I have a short temper and seem to get angry with much; I get angry with slow drivers, with the government, the politicians, the economy, the prices of everything, the young generations, todays music, people cutting in line, bad workmanship...the box full yet?"

Third label: "Bitterness/Resentment". Jossie took a deep breath then said; my folks never supported my interest in music, I was passed over for a promotion promised to me, my siblings made fun of my size, my best friend pursued my ex-girlfriend after we broke up, my mother laughed at me when I asked what it's like to be a woman, and when I was heartbroken when my dog died, the whole family called me soft."

Fourth label: "Loss". "This one is difficult, take your time Jossie," said Bill.

Jossie swallowed and then continued; I lost my dog Scampi, my first girlfriend committed suicide, my grand-father whom I loved very much, was run over and killed by a drunk driver, one of my closest friends died from an overdose, my youngest sister got cancer and died very young, and last year I lost my job, a job that was very important to me."

After the last word was spoken, both men stayed quiet until Bill said "Thanks Jossie, I realise that to do this must have been tough for you, but lets move on to the next label.

Fifth label: "Joys". "What can you put in the box of Joys, Jossie?" Jossie sat up straight and a smile fluttered across his face. "The smell of freshly cut grass in summer, listening to good music, watching a good movie, being with friends, having a nice meal with my beloved, clear blue water, laughing, swimming, good coffee, good food, Christmas lunch with the whole family, the list is very long Bill, I am happy to say."

Sixth label: "Hopes". Jossie sat quiet for a second, then continued: "To play the piano, to learn a new language, to help my younger brother get over his divorce, to find a fulfilling job, to always be supporting to my beloved, to have kids one day, to become more understanding and compassionate, to do something good for others, to mention a few."

Seventh label: "All things new". Jossie moved his head to face Bill with eyes still shut. "What does this mean?" he asked.

"In this box you can put all the new things you desire," Bill responded.

"Okay then, in that case: new insights, new experiences, new friends, renewed relationships with old friends, new discoveries, new hopes, new joys, new ways of seeing things," Jossie replied.

"Before you open your eyes, I would like you to put the seven labelled boxes on the shelves in the shop, can you do that Jossie?"

Jossie visualised putting the boxes on the shelves then opened his eyes.

"Every now and then it can be good to do an "emotional stock take", said Bill. Imagine if you will that we all have a small "shop" within. On the shelves are boxes containing a variety of items, and by that I mean, emotions. When a stock take is performed the "items" that don't sell usually gets discontinued, and for those that work well, a new order is made. At times it can be beneficial to open our "boxes" and find out whether we benefit from keeping the items (emotions) or if they are just crowding the space. Perhaps we may even need new boxes, with new labels? Now when you have visited "the shop" Jossie, do you feel or believe that a "stock take" may be a good thing?" Bill asked.

"Well, you've certainly given me something to ponder Bill, just one question, can an "emotional stocktake" be likened to a garage clean-up? I mean, I have boxes of stuff in my garage, ...some stand untouched for years, other boxes with stuff I don't have a need for anymore I usually throw out, but some stuff, seems to always come in handy, I mean, that stuff don't even get to be put in a box...that sort of thing?"

"Basically yes, Jossie, however you see it........as long as it makes sense to you." said Bill. 

 

Most of us have a number of "labels" attached to ourselves, some we are conscious of and others not, but if we perform a "stock take" every now and then, we may be able to remove a few hurtful ones and replace them with positive, encouraging ones. Our potential is often much greater than we believe or think it is.

                         "With realisation of one's own potential and self-confidence

                             in one's ability, one can build a better world."

    (Dalai Lama)

"Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!"

(Anne Frank)