It takes courage to love...........

Slowly she lowers her arm holding the bow.

She raises her eyes and with as much disdain and

defiance as she can muster, she glares at the conductor.

There will be consequences, this she knows, but she

is so tired and hungry that she no longer cares.

For days she and her fellow musicians have rehearsed

the same five pieces of music over and over, so now,

they are all exhausted and at the brink of collapsing.

Head bowed and staring at the floor, she gathers up all her

 courage and then petitions the conductor for a few minutes

 rest and a cup of water for everyone.

Her petition is granted and as the ragtag little orchestra

sits down on the cold, dirty and inhospitable floor, the

conductor fills a battered tin cup with water and hands it to

her to pass around.

In an attempt at finding

 some warmth, they all sit close together

while silently passing the tin cup one to another.

With the music now silent they can hear the noise

from the goings on outside their so called ''rehearsal space''.

At the sound of the ratatatataa and a woman's scream,

she grabs her friend Vira's hand and together they quietly

say a prayer. But a few minutes later all the orchestra members

are holding each others hands and have joined in

in the prayer.

A few moments later their momentary reprieve from their 

harsh reality is broken as the conductor shouts Enough! 

and they are ordered to start playing again.

One by one they pick up their instruments

and as the conductor raises his baton and count them in,

 like a mist the music of Beethoven permeates the

cold stale air in Barrack 14 at the Theresienstadt

concentration camp.

*

The above graphite drawing is my interpretation

of a photo I found.

The photo was taken at the Theresienstadt

concentration camp, the story.....taken from

my imagination.

I wish 

that we would chose to stop the killing of each other

I wish

that we would chose to be more accepting of each other

I wish

that we would chose to care much more for one another

I wish

that we would chose to listen more to those we call ''others''

I wish 

that we would chose to be more caring sharing lovers

I wish

that we would chose to honour humans of all colours

I wish

that we would chose be kind to all of us who hungers

I wish

that we would chose to build, restore and lift each other

I wish 

that we would chose to learn much more about each other

I wish

that we would chose to focus more on what we all have

in common,

and take a moment to consider

that what hurts us,

 also hurts others.

''Love one another but make not a bond of love:

let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your

souls.''

(Kahil Gibran)

above painting: acrylic on canvas

Life is an analogue experience........

It was one of those days when the light was extraordinarily 

beautiful.

One of those days when for a brief moment in time

the light would fall on everything in its path

and turn even broken pieces of glass to the

most precious of jewels.

I loaded my Pentax analogue camera with a fresh

roll of film and headed for the beach.

Arriving at the beach, what I had hoped for

was immediately apparent in all its glory.

The rain had yet again managed to set the scene for

the sun to perform its magic as its rays enveloped

everything it touched.

Knowing that this very special light would only

last for another hour, I started to wander about

searching for that special shot.

I wasn't searching for a postcard image, I was

searching for that something that under normal

circumstances probably would be considered as

uninteresting and rather dull. 

Something that now, with the help

of this special light had become something

beautiful, something extraordinary,

something more ........ like a piece of art.

As I sat down on a bench, camera at the ready

and scanning the scenery, I noticed something 

 in the periphery catching the light in a most

spectacular way.

Knowing that time and therefore also the light

was slipping away, I aimed my camera at the

''whatever it was'', zoomed in and took a few

shots in quick succession.

With my finger still on the shutter button

it started to rain again.

I quickly put on the lens cap, shoved the camera

 in the camera bag, and ran for cover.

The photo session was over and so was

the extraordinary light.

Halfway home I realized that I had to wait

for the film to be developed before I could 

have a closer look at what those last few

frames of film contained.

But then again, part of the fun of using 

an analogue camera was (and still is in my view) 

the anxious anticipation of picking up a fresh

batch of photos from the developers.

*

These days we snap pics with our telephones.

We have immediate access not only to view

our pics but also to edit and print them.

Every moment can be ''frozen'' in time.

We no longer need to use our minds and

memory facilities in order to remember 

our special moments.

What I keep wondering about though,

is whether it's really that good for our

ability to remember stuff if we keep

relying on an i-Thingy to do the remembering

for us?

Insight: Once upon a time, photographs were often

used to authenticate experiences and events.

Today? Not so much, as we have figured out

how to ''deep fake'' and edit images in the

most genius of ways so that photos/pics/images can

 no longer be trusted.

*

Maybe if we focus our attention more on

experiencing the(a) moment instead of

capturing it, we may become the beneficiaries

of those precious moments instead of one of our

many Data Storage systems.

Just wondering...........

This is an acrylic on canvas painting made

from a close-up of the above photographic image.

What is it: it is broken pieces of glass from a green

 beer bottle on top of a water-soaked ledge

What makes our planet precious? Its scarcity.

When I started this blog over ten years ago, I decided to

stay away from two topics:

Politics and religion.

My aim with this blog since my first post is to write

about stuff that anyone, anywhere, may find helpful.

Stuff that may assist in some way to broaden

our understanding of others and ourselves.

Stuff that hopefully can offer some nuggets of hope 

and encouragement for those times when we

may find ourselves troubled, confused, and finding

it hard to articulate with words our true thoughts,

feelings and state of mind.

For all the books(and they are many) that I have

read and are still reading, there is one topic that

I find very challenging to read about.

That topic is that which we have named Universe.

Watching a documentary on Space in general, an

ex-astronaut was asked if the experience of seeing

earth from ''far, far away'' had affected him.

His answer was that he and other fellow astronauts

 no longer identify with a specific nationality or culture,

instead they see themselves, and all citizens on earth,

as one people, one world.

(There is a word for this, and it is ''Overview effect''.

Which means a cognitive shift that affects some

astronauts when they view the earth from space.)

The doco ended with our view zooming out from

earth until earth was no longer visible and me,

experiencing a bad bout of vertigo.

In 1987, Ronald Reagan gave a speech before the

United Nations in which he had this to say:

''Perhaps we need some outside universal threat

to make us recognize our common bond.''

Unfortunately when he said this, many of his loyal

supporters had come to the conclusion that he

had gone a bit ''batty''. 

I'm not so sure he was wrong.....batty or not. 

There's even a movie suggesting that Reagan

may not have been so batty after all:

''Independence Day.''

Many of the astronauts who have viewed earth

from space, have said that they experienced unexpected

 overwhelming emotions and an increased sense of

connection to other people and Earth as a whole.

Exploring species as we are, we keep exploring space 

in search for life on other planets. As we do so, we gain 

more and more understanding of just how vast space is

and how small our precious little blue planet is.

At this point in time, as far as we know, Earth 

is alone in harboring life. (As we define life),

A lonely little blue dot in the midst of an unending

cosmic darkness.

Such being the case, that makes Earth precious

in my view.

Yet, somehow we behave as if it isn't.

Our history of behaviour on this precious planet

bear witness to our carelessness, indifference,

and rampant abuse of the bounty and beauty

it has, and is, providing for us.

Are we so caught up in our own little worlds

that we are failing to acknowledge that perhaps the

greatest threat to our planet may not be aliens

..............but us?

We can do better.

''Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need,

but not every man's greed.''

(Gandhi)

Maybe if we were to invest time and practice into 

being compassionate, charitable and understanding.....

More considerate in the way we treat our ''home'',(earth)

our fellow humans, our fellow critters, maybe then

we would come to truly value just how

precious our ''little blue dot'' is.

Scarcity, as I understand the word,

 is what makes something precious.

But, so far, we have yet to discover another

planet just like ours.

''Earth is not our property to

do with as we please.

We are mere its tenants.''

(Citizen Z)

about the image: ink on paper, editing in Elements

Feeling sad sometimes? Good. It means you care.......

Once a year I go through my wardrobe and

pick out clothes I no longer use.

After having made sure that all the items are clean and up 

to the standard needed in order to be put on a shelf to

 be sold, I take them to our local Salvation Army

OP-shop.

Usually, after handing over my bag/s of items, I spend a bit of time

browsing the shop because I have discovered that sometimes,

one can come across some amazing bargains.

As the saying goes; one person's trash can be another person's

treasure.

Wandering about the shop just a few days ago I came

across a sad looking soft toy that I at first thought

was some sort of bunny, but after a closer look,  realized

that it was a bear in a bunny costume.

Whatever he/she? was, there was just something about 

the expression on his "face'' that made me feel that

 I just had to bring him home with me.

When I had another closer look at him the next morning,

suddenly out of nowhere a word from the dark

recesses of my mind popped up: ''Weltschmertz''.

He, now named Buddy, was looking to me as if he was

experiencing ''Weltschmertz''.

Weltschmertz is a German word and translates into

''world-weariness'', and or ''world-pain''.

It's not a word I can remember ever having used before,

but somehow, there it was.

Time for some research methinks.

Before I could speak any English, I could speak

some German. Though I grew up in Sweden, my mother

and the rest of her relatives are all of German origin.

During the early days of W. W. II, my grand-father 

realized that in order to survive the war, he and his family

 had to leave Germany. 

As Sweden was a ''neutral'' country at that time,

that's the country to which my grand-father took his family.

Although both my grand-parents had died by the time

I hit double digits, surprisingly I do remember a lot of German

words. Somewhere along my early years I guess I must

have heard the word Weltschmertz used.

Anyway, my understanding of the word is that

it is a kind of prevailing sadness rooted in thoughts

and worries about the precarious and volatile state

of our planet and its inhabitants.

Although one could ask: is it not the same as

feeling depressed or worried about life in general?

Those in the know suggest that it is deeper than that.

They suggest that it is more of an existential weight

of feeling that our ideals of how the world ought

to be, could be, should be, just don't line up.

This then may result in a profound sense of 

disillusionment and loss of hope for a predictable future.

Insight: every time we get stuck 

in thinking along the lines of ''should be'', do

we perhaps ''bind'' ourselves with perceived expectations of

thinking that we all share the same values, moral convictions,

ideals and fundamental notions of what's ''right'' and ''wrong''?

What if we were to let go of hanging on to hard to

''how things/the world/people should be'' and

instead loosened our grip on our expectations?

What if we were to let go of our limiting expectations of

 how life/things ''should be'', then perhaps we would

be able to experience how life/things could be?

Life, as far as I can ascertain, is the more precious

 because it consists of so, so, so, so many possible

ways of interpreting and understanding our

life experiences.

Standing in front of the mirror one day, it

suddenly dawned on me that I have only ever

seen my own face through something else, not

with my own eyes. Even when we look at a photo

of ourselves, what we see may be very different

to what someone else sees.

In other words, if something(an experience) is dependent on

a mind, then it is always subjective.

Why so? Because those in the know say that we interpret 

whatever we experience through a number of filters such as:

 biases, perceptions, opinions, previous experiences

 and belief-systems.

 

That is, by-passing our expectations, filters and biases

may prove to be very difficult, if not impossible.

However, whatever our expectations, filters and biases

may be, once we become aware of them, they can

be altered.

In my view, having moments when one feels 

disillusioned, sad and weary when pondering some of the 

things us humans do to the world and each other, is okay.

Actually, sometimes sadness can motivate us to

seeking change, not only for ourselves, but also for others.

''The good life is not one immune to sadness but one

in which suffering contributes to our development.''

(Alain de Botton)

''If sadness comes your way,

and you wanna push it far away,

maybe ask yourself instead:

what it may be trying to say.''

(Citizen Z)

 

about the image: ink on paper, some editing in Elements

Saying nothing is still saying something.......

When she opened the door I could see that she

was upset.

-What's happened Roslyn? I asked.

-I've finally done it. 

-What? What have you done?

-I've told him it's over and that ''Little miss Mouse

don't live in this house anymore.''

-So how do you feel now?

-Great. I feel great. I should have done this years ago.

-What stopped you?

-Fear, I guess. Fear of how he would react and what

he would do. But to be honest, perhaps more than anything else, 

I was worried about being on my own.

Now, I realize that I should have spoken up

years ago and not let fear keep me silent.

A few years later it became my turn to face

my fears and set out on my own.

Like Roslyn, I too had reached a point when

being on my own seemed less scary than staying in

a dysfunctional and loveless relationship.

I too should have spoken up and voiced my concerns.

Now, years later and with the wisdom of hindsight, I realize that by 

staying silent, I lost the very core of myself.

Speaking up and voicing our concerns on

matters that are of importance to us is important.

Important for our sense of self-worth and commitment

to our core values.

Staying silent and not speaking our mind

when our inner voice/core urges us to speak up, those

in the know suggest can have a negative affect on our

mental and physical well-being.

Mind you, it can be easy to come up with a lot of (in our

view) very rational reasons for why we should stay

quiet rather than speaking out, however, in my experience

this often result in taking

us further away from our core values.

Why are core values important to us?

You may ask.

As pertaining to this post and to not be long-winded, 

I am speaking here of Personal Core values.

Such as: Loyalty, honesty, reliability, dependability,

consistency, transparency, etc. etc.

Basically the framework/belief-system through

which we view the world and the people/critters which

inhabits it.

''Your core values are/is the compass

that keeps you moving in the

right direction.''

(Susan David)

(Right as in: in harmony with your core values)

Part of the ''speaking up'' is also the part of how we do it,

and what words we use. (In my experience, just as

important.)

What I found is that being mindful of the time

and place, the tone of voice, the choice of words,

body-language, sticking to facts more so than emotions 

and using ''I feel....'' rather than ''You make me....'' statements 

often tend to have the most favourable outcomes.

I also find that it can be helpful to ask questions.

So what I hear you saying is.........is that correct?

I take what you said to mean..............am I right?

I'm not sure that I agree, can I get back to you on

this?

When we ''speak up'', I've concluded that it is important

to remember that there can be times when ''What's said '' 

and ''What's heard '' can vary. (A lot, sometimes)

Ex: ''Son, can you take out the rubbish, please?''

Son: ''Are you saying that I never take out the rubbish?''

Wife: ''Please don't be late.''

Partner: ''What?? Are you saying that I'm always late?''

Insight: Don't assume that what I said is what

you/they heard. 

Good communication happens when what I say, 

is what others hear.

''Saying nothing is still saying something.''

( ? )

about the image: a small graphite sketch on paper

When you feel sad, upset, angry......what is your body trying to tell you?

''Can you tell me what that means please?

I'm not sure I understand,'' I asked.

''When we experience something we do so 

cognitively and physiologically.

Cognitively, as in how we think about and interpret

 situations, and physiologically as in how our bodies

respond/react to our emotions,'' he answered.

How our bodies respond?

Being (some say) a ''neurally diverse'' person, my brain

never stops with the thinking so whatever is going in

my body while I'm thinking, usually, I only discover after 

the affect. 

I first heard of Cognitive Behaviour Theory years and years

ago but I was instantly drawn to it and neurally diverse as I

(apparently) am, I found myself devouring book

after book on the subject.

CBT made, and still does make so much sense to me, but

 what I have come to realize recently is that somehow I

seem to have overlooked/forgot about the body

 sensation/physiological aspect.

I've probably read the line ''Be in your body'',

 ''Practice Mindfulness'' and the importance of ''Focusing

attention on what is happening in your body when

you feel xyz'' numerous times without actually

doing any such thing.

''Being in your body'', what does that really mean?

As far as I can ascertain it means that when we

experience anger, sadness, fear, worry, joy, etc. etc.

we don't just experience it with our thoughts but

also with our bodies.

Our heartrate may go up, we may feel weak in the knees,

short of breath, tight in the chest, dizzy, and or an urge to cry,

etc. to mention a few examples.

''Stop, stop. Slow down'', he said. Stay focused on what

is happening internally. Stay with your bodily sensation

right now.''

What was my bodily sensation?

Tears. I was perplexed. 

Why was I crying? It felt as if my mind and

body were out of sync. My mind told me that

tears were unnecessary but my body ignored

 the mind and the tears kept coming.

Have you ever experienced that?

You see something, hear something, remember

something, and then

seemingly out of nowhere tears well up?

What's your kneejerk reaction?

Do you try to suppress the urge to cry or do you allow it?

Personally, I learned very early in life to suppress my

tears and instead use my brain to figure out

how to disguise my true emotions.

According to those in the know, there are many

of us who grew up in social settings in which

tears, sensitivity, gentleness and kindness 

were viewed as signs of weakness and therefore

such expressions of emotions were discouraged.

Insight: Maybe this may be a clue as to why

some of us may at times find it difficult to ''be in

our bodies''?

Emotional experiences, regardless of ''flavour/type'' 

 is believed to consist of three different components:

It is subjective, it is physiological and it is a

behaviour/expressive response.

Some of us may find it trickier than some others

to stay in tune, connected and able to focus on

our internal bodily sensations, but if those in the know

are correct, we can learn how to get better at it.

''Emotions are not set in cement.

They come they, they go, 

they stay only as long 

as we allow them to.''

(Citizen Z) 

about the image: acrylic on large cardboard

Title: ''Mia holds off turbulence''

Good news, everybody! There's no such thing as failure, only a ''less hoped for outcome''.

-What are you doing? he asked.

-Taking a photograph of you, I answered.

-Why?

-I like your face Darren, I answered.

A few years later I painted that moment,

that memory, onto a canvas.

What are memories?

Okay, let's go with: Memories is what we call

the information that the part of our mind that stores it

 hangs on to and also makes available to us when we need it.

Or: The psychological processes of acquiring, storing

and retaining, and later retrieving information.

Vague isn't it?

Especially since there are those in the know who

reckons that every time we recall a memory we

alter it in line with the state of mind we are in

when we tell our stories.

 Some suggest that we often (unknowingly) add, 

subtract, exaggerate, or diminish the ''character'' of 

our memory.

Another thing that often affects the way

we memorize something is the way people responded

when we were sharing something with them.

-How big was the fish?

-I thought you said it was smaller than that.

Some in the know even suggest that basically

all our memories are subjected to manipulation.

(Memory distortion)

Although we may not know exactly all the what, where and

 how on the subject of memories, we are gaining more

 and more solid insight and knowledge on just how

much damage a flailing memory can cause not only 

the person experiencing it but also his/her family

members and other loved ones.

Memories are extremely important to us because it helps

us to make sense, to understand and to function in

our worlds. It helps us to learn from our mistakes,

to establish new connections, to increase our knowledge-

bases and to further our critical thinking skills.

It is also suggested that our memory plays a paramount

role in making it possible for us to navigate, 

understand and make predictions about

possible future scenarios.

Basically speaking, our memories may be viewed as

the ''framework'' around which we create 

that which we call/interpret as our ''worlds''.

What if one happens to have a lot of bad

and traumatic memories?

As I understand it, just as ''good'' memories may be

 the framework through which we interpret our ''worlds'', 

so may also ''bad'' and or traumatic memories be.

Memories, whether ''good'' or ''bad'', recent research

now holds, are malleable.

Scientific inquiry into memory distortion is indicating

that memory is not fixed, rather, it is subject to distortion,

change and exaggeration.

Speaking from personal experience with PTSD

and GAD, I once asked a psychologist how to

best deal with my bad/traumatic memories.

He suggested that I pair my bad memories with

 good ones.

With this he meant that:

Instead of thinking about the times when I felt

betrayed, sad, lost, confused, hurt, etc. etc. he told

me to replace those thoughts with thinking of the

 times when I felt strong, competent,

able, successful, capable, etc. etc.

Though we can't travel back in time and re-write our

memories, we can re-frame and re-interpret them.

The brain, the place where our memories hangs about,

 is plastic and keeps on changing. (Neuroplasticity)

That means that every new thought we think creates a new

neural pathway. How awesome is this!!! Blew

my mind when I first found this out.

So if instead of remembering things that didn't turned

out the way I planned it as ''failures'', but instead as

''less hoped for outcomes'', maybe those memories

will no longer be an issue?

Done. The word failure will no longer exist in 

my vocabulary.

There are a few words/lines that I have found to be very useful

when I want to re-frame a bad memory.

Hopefully they may be of use for you too should you

want them.

1. Put another way.......

2. All possibilities entertained......

3. Maybe.....?

4. Is it possible that......

5. Toss ''Failure'' and insert instead: 

less hoped for outcome.

Finding out that memories are malleable and

not set in cement, isn't that just great?

Methinks it definitely is.

''Memory's truth, because memory has it's own

special kind. It selects, eliminates, alters, exaggerates,

minimizes, glorifies, and vilifies also; but in the

end it creates its own reality, its heterogenous but

usually coherent version of events; and no sane

human being ever trusts someone else's version

more than his(/her) own.''

(Salman Rushdie)

about the image: acrylic on large canvas